By Ox Drover
One of the themes that seems to run throughout the stories of many of, if not most of, the people who have had experiences with psychopaths is that we have either had repeated episodes of being abused by the same psychopath, even after we saw their dishonesty, or had episodes of being sucked into the webs of multiple psychopaths. Or, we have both of these—multiple episodes with multiple psychopaths.
Most of the people I have known who were formerly victims of psychopaths are not stupid. In fact, some of the smartest, most accomplished people I know are former victims, and have been repeatedly victimized by one psychopath after finding out that this person was dishonest and abusive. Somehow, they kept on going back to the relationship, even after multiple attempts to disengage from the abuser. Why? Why does a person who is smart, accomplished, and otherwise successful in life and business keep repeating the same behavior that allows them to be hurt?
There is an often-used quote, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” It seems by this definition that the victims of psychopaths are “insane,” because we keep on trying to have a relationship with someone who is repeatedly abusive. There must be some reason that otherwise smart and successful people keep repeating the behavior that is unsuccessful in its outcome. There must be some common thread among victims and former victims that makes us susceptible to frequently returning to an unsuccessful and painful relationship.
Here’s a little story that may contain what may be a grain of truth that might point us toward the answer to the question of. “Why?”
The Chief and the Snake
Once upon a time there was a very wise and kind Indian chief. One day as the chief was walking through the forest, he came upon a rattlesnake in the path. He stopped and started to go around the snake, not wanting to hurt it, but not wanting to be bitten either.
As the chief started to pass around the snake, the snake spoke to him (not an unusual thing in those days) and said, “Chief, please have mercy on me, my wife and family are on the other side of yonder river, and I can’t swim, and I can’t get to them. Won’t you please pick me up and carry me across the river?”
The chief looked at the snake and laughed a bit and said, “Why, if I tried to pick you up you would bite me and I would die. I am sad that you have a problem but I must not be bitten, or I would die and my own children would starve because there would be no strong man with a bow to hunt brother deer to provide meat to my little ones. Though my heart feels sad for you, no, I must refuse to pick you up.”
The snake then spoke to the chief saying, “But such a brave man as you should not be afraid of such a small snake as I, and I promise from the bottom of my heart that I would never harm you if you were to help me across yon river. I am so afraid that if I am not able to get across, my wife and children will perish. Please help me in my hour of need.”
The chief looked at the snake and his heart was sad because he knew what it was like to have one’s children without food. His heart took pity on the snake, and he agreed to take the snake across the river, if the snake would agree not to bite him.
The chief reached out to pick up the snake and held him high over his head as he waded the swift and cold waters of the river. About half way across the river when the chief was doing his best to protect the snake from the cold waters, the snake reached down and bit him on the neck, sinking his poison fangs deep into the chief’s blood stream.
The chief was surprised and said to the snake, “Brother Snake, why did you bite me, now I will die and you will drown as well. You promised on your honor not to bite me if I would have mercy on you and help you, now we shall both die and our children starve. You promised me.”
The snake replied, “Ah yes, I promised, but you knew what I was when you picked me up,” as they both sank under the swirling cold water of the river.
What we have in common with the chief
What caused the chief to reach out and pick up a snake that he knew was poisonous, that he knew had the power to harm him, and that if he was wrong in making this decision to pick up the snake, and the snake did bite him, that his own children would suffer because of his decision?
Empathy is what the chief had, empathy for the children of the snake. Because the chief loved his own children, he assumed that the snake must also love its children. Just as the chief would do what was best for his children, he empathized that the snake would also do what was best. Since the chief knew that he would never do anything deliberately to cause consequences for his children, he did not see that the snake would deliberately do something that would cause problems for his own offspring.
Thinking that others have the same motivations that we have can get us into the same problems that the chief got into. The chief wanted to help the snake. He felt pity for the snake. He knew that he would not want someone to refuse to help him if it meant that he would die and his children would go hungry, so it never dawned on him that the snake would be willing to make a decision to do a deed that would insure that the snake-children would go hungry.
The chief’s empathy and his thinking that others had the same empathy, the same motivation for their behavior, and no reason to hurt another, even at the cost of hurting themselves or their near and dear, caused him to want to believe the snake’s promise not to bite.
The snake, however, was right. The chief knew what he was when he picked him up. When we allow ourselves to believe the promises of people who have proven that they are dishonest, we open ourselves to be repeatedly injured or even killed. When someone shows you what they are, believe your eyes. Believe what you see, not what you hear.
No Contact
“No contact” is the commonly accepted “treatment” for any abusive relationship. This means that only contact that is required by law (such as meeting that person in a courtroom due to a law uit) or the minimum amount of contact required by law to co-parent with such a person, is the only interaction between you and your former abuser. No contact allows the injuries to cease, and keeps you safe from new and repeated injuries from the abuser.
“No contact” also includes not stalking the person’s Facebook page or other social media. It means blocking or deleting any text messages, phone calls, e-mails or any other form of communication, including having others tell you what the former abuser is “up to.” Refusing to engage in tale carrying, gossip, or drama involved with the former abuser is also essential. If you must speak about the relationship, do it ONLY with a trusted friend or family member who sees that the relationship was/is abusive, and with assurances that the person will keep your information in absolute confidence. This process can be likened to “not renting them space in your head,” which includes wondering if they have a new relationship, and if they are making this new person happy o,r if they will change for this new person, or wondering if you were wrong about what they are.
You know what they are now, so don’t pick them up. NO CONTACT WORKS.
Nolarn,
Did you ever see the movie Eat, Pray, Love? The main character has just come out of a divorce and is traveling around the world to “find herself”. She finds a guru in Bali who helps her on her spiritual path. At the end she falls in love with a guy. But she breaks it off with him because she is afraid of losing herself. Feeling miserable but like she has done the right thing, she visits her guru. He tells her that when you are in a relationship, it is okay to lose yourself. So at the end, she reconnects with the guy and chooses the path of relationship. There are things you can only learn and joys you can only have by being in a relationship. Not that there is anything wrong with being alone. But that does not need to be everyone’s choice who has ever been hurt. All relationships involve risk of being hurt (boy could I write a book on this). But to me, these risks make life worth living. I also didn’t plan to fall for the guy in Costa Rica or for my rock star neighbor either. I know people who have chosen the ascetic path and have been alone and celibate for many years. They seem relatively peaceful. There is nothing wrong with either choice.
Regarding the sexual orientation thing, I personally believe we all fall along a continuum. I used to think it was more black and white until I once went to a women’s retreat and found myself having a crush on a woman at the retreat. Nothing ever happened, but it really surprised me. I’ve also had very detailed dreams where I’ve fallen in love with women, though in real life, I’ve mostly only ever been attracted to men. I honestly wish I could be more attracted to women, as I’m going through so much heartache over men right now. Granted, I’d probably go through the same heartache with women, but at least I understand them and how they communicate. Dealing with men is like trying to learn to speak a foreign language underwater with the lights off.
P.S. Nolarn – about the work situation. It sounds like you are not obsessing over your evil ex-coworkers any more and this sounds very positive to me! At the end of the day, you can only do your best and then move on, as you are doing – and you seem to be doing very well at it! Life can be pretty unfair and most people never get justice against their spaths. Even when they do, the spaths remind relatively untouched inside anyway. I don’t think getting justice is necessary to living a happy life.
On a positive note, the Security job and wedding singer job sound fabulous! And maybe you’ll get your police job yet. I still bet that one day you will look back and realize that getting fired was the best thing that ever happened to you.
Star,
Responding to your above post re. Eat Pray Love.
Felt envious of her journey–though hard, all fell into place like a perfectly arranged puzzle. Also envious of having the luxury to travel the world while recovering from a divorce and finding herself. I know at the same time that each individual’s suffereing is significant and real to them, so I relate and appreciate her growth.
Hi EB,
How are you? Haven’t seen you in a while (I come sporadically).
Level headed advice to 2Bcop above re. fantasy and distraction from reality.
I like this “Think about what your doing”..and get back in focus.
Give more to YOU.”
Yeah…the pain, confusion, loss, sadness…all are so heavy, who wouldn’t want something uplifting and enlivening in their life? (For me, I’m exhausted after three effin years of nonsense with an N. Just drained to nothing)
And it’s hard work to “get back in focus and give more to you”. Isn’t that precisely why I chose a relationship with an N? I focused on him, his needs, his drama, his need to be “fixed”. Now I don’t know what to do with myself. I can’t just pull a switch, and now it’s “me” time. I am that empty self, the empty vessel that let the N fill all his nonsense in. And it ain’t easy to fill me with my own stuff.
It’s like giving birth….painful and long.
Thanks for the great advice above, a great reminder.
DW
I hear you, DW. And also she had the most gorgeous ethnic clothes for every occasion. I’ve been poor my whole life and had to do some very creative things to be able to do the little traveling I’ve done. I recently went to a class called “How to support your wanderlust” that gave me some ideas for ways to travel without spending money. So I have a plan in the works for this. If you really want to travel, I hope you will find a way to do it.
I have often felt envious of my friends who GO through divorces because they have often ended up with a house and a settlement. One such friend just took some of the settlement and had some cosmetic surgery and looks amazing now. I cannot do those things, but I’ve been fortunate to find ways to do a lot of traveling abroad. I guess it’s all relative.
Skylar,
Pity ploy re. the ring you mentioned. Hmm
Didn’t think before–the Xbf had sinus issues and uses non scented “free and clear” detergents. I respect people’s health needs, and allergies are no fun I’m sure. The WAY he’d influence me to accommodate his needs was sort of like the ring. He’d act so miserable, and play up the feeling sick or sneezing or having a headache, and never directly say XYZ bothers me, would you consider using such and such to help me? I ended up buying the nonscented detergent only due to all the “poor me look how I suffer” hints.
Irony is stbx H had the obsession with germs in the bathroom and clean toothbrushes. This one has a thing for detergents. Now I’m paranoid that anyone who has ANY kind of preference is automatically OCD or an N or dangerous. LOL
Pity ploy. Never knew about it before.
Star,
Good for you to find these ways to travel.
You say, WITHOUT spending money?
How do I get to talk to you about this? Are you willing to share?
Oxy ~ also wishing you the best on the interview. Is there a way we can all hear your interview? I’m pretty sure that we’re not in the same area… NE Wisconsin is where I am.
Star-after the prior relationship that I had with the woman I learned that relationships with women and men are not a whole not different. I learned from that particular one that women are capable of being spaths and narcissists too-although I didn’t know about those terms yet. I just knew that there was something WRONG with her and that I felt emotionally abused and wrecked when I was in it and it weakened me-like this last spath. Once I got here and learned, I looked back on her and knew what she was.
I am not WANTING to be in a hurry with this woman but for some reason I am having that hormonal reaction-like I said, kinda like a guy. I am feeling very strong chemistry and physical attraction. She is very beautiful and so smart. It’s a strange feeling for me. It’s been a long time since she’s dated anyone and it might do her some good cuz she admitted to me that she is spending too much time alone. It just makes me feel bad that people would think that I am trying to use her or pray on her. That’s spath behavior and that really hurts my feelings. I have such a strong protective instinct for her. She’s older than me and I wanna take care of her and that is part of the reason that it’s hard not to have a job.
DW,
In brief, you can volunteer overseas with various groups, and you can also teach English. There are also ways you can get grants to travel or collect objects in your travels you can sell here that will pay for your trip. You may also have a business you do or can learn to do (there are many in demand) that will earn you money while you travel.