By Ox Drover
One of the themes that seems to run throughout the stories of many of, if not most of, the people who have had experiences with psychopaths is that we have either had repeated episodes of being abused by the same psychopath, even after we saw their dishonesty, or had episodes of being sucked into the webs of multiple psychopaths. Or, we have both of these—multiple episodes with multiple psychopaths.
Most of the people I have known who were formerly victims of psychopaths are not stupid. In fact, some of the smartest, most accomplished people I know are former victims, and have been repeatedly victimized by one psychopath after finding out that this person was dishonest and abusive. Somehow, they kept on going back to the relationship, even after multiple attempts to disengage from the abuser. Why? Why does a person who is smart, accomplished, and otherwise successful in life and business keep repeating the same behavior that allows them to be hurt?
There is an often-used quote, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” It seems by this definition that the victims of psychopaths are “insane,” because we keep on trying to have a relationship with someone who is repeatedly abusive. There must be some reason that otherwise smart and successful people keep repeating the behavior that is unsuccessful in its outcome. There must be some common thread among victims and former victims that makes us susceptible to frequently returning to an unsuccessful and painful relationship.
Here’s a little story that may contain what may be a grain of truth that might point us toward the answer to the question of. “Why?”
The Chief and the Snake
Once upon a time there was a very wise and kind Indian chief. One day as the chief was walking through the forest, he came upon a rattlesnake in the path. He stopped and started to go around the snake, not wanting to hurt it, but not wanting to be bitten either.
As the chief started to pass around the snake, the snake spoke to him (not an unusual thing in those days) and said, “Chief, please have mercy on me, my wife and family are on the other side of yonder river, and I can’t swim, and I can’t get to them. Won’t you please pick me up and carry me across the river?”
The chief looked at the snake and laughed a bit and said, “Why, if I tried to pick you up you would bite me and I would die. I am sad that you have a problem but I must not be bitten, or I would die and my own children would starve because there would be no strong man with a bow to hunt brother deer to provide meat to my little ones. Though my heart feels sad for you, no, I must refuse to pick you up.”
The snake then spoke to the chief saying, “But such a brave man as you should not be afraid of such a small snake as I, and I promise from the bottom of my heart that I would never harm you if you were to help me across yon river. I am so afraid that if I am not able to get across, my wife and children will perish. Please help me in my hour of need.”
The chief looked at the snake and his heart was sad because he knew what it was like to have one’s children without food. His heart took pity on the snake, and he agreed to take the snake across the river, if the snake would agree not to bite him.
The chief reached out to pick up the snake and held him high over his head as he waded the swift and cold waters of the river. About half way across the river when the chief was doing his best to protect the snake from the cold waters, the snake reached down and bit him on the neck, sinking his poison fangs deep into the chief’s blood stream.
The chief was surprised and said to the snake, “Brother Snake, why did you bite me, now I will die and you will drown as well. You promised on your honor not to bite me if I would have mercy on you and help you, now we shall both die and our children starve. You promised me.”
The snake replied, “Ah yes, I promised, but you knew what I was when you picked me up,” as they both sank under the swirling cold water of the river.
What we have in common with the chief
What caused the chief to reach out and pick up a snake that he knew was poisonous, that he knew had the power to harm him, and that if he was wrong in making this decision to pick up the snake, and the snake did bite him, that his own children would suffer because of his decision?
Empathy is what the chief had, empathy for the children of the snake. Because the chief loved his own children, he assumed that the snake must also love its children. Just as the chief would do what was best for his children, he empathized that the snake would also do what was best. Since the chief knew that he would never do anything deliberately to cause consequences for his children, he did not see that the snake would deliberately do something that would cause problems for his own offspring.
Thinking that others have the same motivations that we have can get us into the same problems that the chief got into. The chief wanted to help the snake. He felt pity for the snake. He knew that he would not want someone to refuse to help him if it meant that he would die and his children would go hungry, so it never dawned on him that the snake would be willing to make a decision to do a deed that would insure that the snake-children would go hungry.
The chief’s empathy and his thinking that others had the same empathy, the same motivation for their behavior, and no reason to hurt another, even at the cost of hurting themselves or their near and dear, caused him to want to believe the snake’s promise not to bite.
The snake, however, was right. The chief knew what he was when he picked him up. When we allow ourselves to believe the promises of people who have proven that they are dishonest, we open ourselves to be repeatedly injured or even killed. When someone shows you what they are, believe your eyes. Believe what you see, not what you hear.
No Contact
“No contact” is the commonly accepted “treatment” for any abusive relationship. This means that only contact that is required by law (such as meeting that person in a courtroom due to a law uit) or the minimum amount of contact required by law to co-parent with such a person, is the only interaction between you and your former abuser. No contact allows the injuries to cease, and keeps you safe from new and repeated injuries from the abuser.
“No contact” also includes not stalking the person’s Facebook page or other social media. It means blocking or deleting any text messages, phone calls, e-mails or any other form of communication, including having others tell you what the former abuser is “up to.” Refusing to engage in tale carrying, gossip, or drama involved with the former abuser is also essential. If you must speak about the relationship, do it ONLY with a trusted friend or family member who sees that the relationship was/is abusive, and with assurances that the person will keep your information in absolute confidence. This process can be likened to “not renting them space in your head,” which includes wondering if they have a new relationship, and if they are making this new person happy o,r if they will change for this new person, or wondering if you were wrong about what they are.
You know what they are now, so don’t pick them up. NO CONTACT WORKS.
Oxy and DW, you can live in Costa Rica for about $250 a month including your rent. It won’t be fancy, but hey, it’s a tropical paradise! You don’t need luxury. Also, if you look for good deals on plane fare, you can fly there for cheaper than flying many places in the US. But there are all kinds of tricks to having your trip financed. For instance, there are grants you can apply for to study….say….the mating habits of Costa Rican turtles…for 6 months. Some of these places do not even require you to write anything or report to them. There are also souvenirs you can buy there and bring back that are worth a lot of money here. You can even make a business out of it. English speaking people do very well abroad because there is a huge need for website translation, or even international travel business – finding flats to rent in other countries for Americans. You can also do vacation shares with people in other countries and have a free place to stay for a few weeks.
My plan is to teach English 8-15 hours a week to pay my room and board. It will be a semi-retired lifestyle. I am looking at Costa Rica, Panama, Ecuador, Peru, or even Colombia. For how cheap it is to live there, you can pick up a second job here for a few months and live off that money for 2 years in Central or South America.
I was an exchange student in Scotland for a year when I was in my 20’s. The entire trip was funded by grants, scholarships, and student loans. I also got jobs in every place I lived. I traveled to the continent and landed on a Greek island eventually where I paid my way by cleaning pensions and serving drinks in a bar. I have been poor my whole life, but you know, even poor people need a vacation sometimes. I just take my vacations in other countries. It’s the best kept secret in the world how cheap it is to do that. You can stay for a year in Costa Rica for the price of a luxurious one-week Las Vegas vacation.
Dear Kim,
I was gone off the farm the entire weekend, and am tired and trying to catch up….and neither of the lawn mowers work! UGH. Yes, I saw your thank you….and should have answered but didn’t.
Sugar, you are one of the most table and sane voices here on LF—and yes, in the past you were nuttier’n christmas fruit cake, but you are a caring and good person who like many (most?) of us has just made some poor decisions…..and excused them, like DUH? why do you think I’m here? because I’m perfect and made great decisions in my 65 years? NOOOOOOO!!!! CAUSE I MADE POOR DECISIONS and didn’t set boundaries and a lot of other stuff I should have not done, or should have done.
Your drinking is your waterloo, and you are going to have to control that or let it control you….I don’t have to preach to you about that…you preach enough to yourself, so just start ACTING on that preaching that YOU do. I preached to myself about the food, weight, salt, and cigarettes and so now I am ACTING on it…most of the time. Did eat some stuff at the pot luck Saturday night I shouldn’t have done…but back on the wagon again today. Spent most of the day cooking cleaning kitchen and working around here (exercise! and productivity) so it is LIFE SWEETHEART!
I also had a “living history garage sale” while I was at the event this weekend and took a lot of the extra stuff son D and I have accumulated that we do NOT need, and I sold $400 worth of items that I didn’t have to bring home, everything from a hand sewn corset to pewter mugs (set for 8, don’t need that many!) and donated some stuff to a living history Boy Scouts of American Venture Scout Crew (co-ed 14-21 age of kids) and these kids are awesome….they are making their own clothing after researching it, and even their own knives and shoes….or working and earning the money to purchase authentic outfits. I was sooooo impressed and they had driven 4 hours to be at this event. I was also impressed with the caliber of the parents who were involved including two men who were custodial parents of their kids after long hard battles with their P-like X’s…
Kimmy, darling, you are one of the best people here for a resource for people who DO need AA…and while there are plenty of “dry drunks” in AA, AA as a whole has done some great things for many many people…it’s just good that people do know that someone can be a Drunk AND a psychopath and getting sober only fixes the DRUNK part!
I’m always in your corner sweet cheeks! ((((hugs)))) That’s what friends are for, ytou’ve been a good friend to me as well. God bless.
A greenbean,
It sounds like you’re moving on to another phase of grieving. Maybe it’s your mind telling you it’s time for acceptance and that’s hard. Accepting that it’s over and it never was anyway. Accepting that you chose life without drama and the consequences of that is that he is gone. Accepting that life without drama is different than it was before. Accepting that you will move on and he will not because he is going to stay stuck in the same cycle but with a different person, while you are growing and changing, becoming your destiny. It’s melancholy.
Eden, Not all spath’s have all the symptoms.
I never saw mine use the smear campaign. That doesn’t mean he’s not a spath, though, bcause his MO was to keep all his x’s as “friends.”
Also, a super macho typ spath may not use the pity ploy because he might think it makes him look weak, or unsuccessful or something of that nature. It might not mesh with his image.
I forgot to mention, there is a woman named Barbara Winters who teaches classes in how to fund your wanderlust. She is a very feisty woman in her 60’s or so, who has been traveling her whole life. She is a travel writer and travels around the country doing these classes. She also wrote a book about how to make money without having a job. I haven’t read it but it’s for people like me who don’t want a 9-5 job. If you google her, I’m sure you will find her website.
She also mentioned that it’s good to have friends in other countries, because then you will have a place to stay and connections there. I have a friend in Jamaica from my reptile website whom I will visit some day. We recently raised $1300 for her to fix her roof that was damaged during the hurricanes. So if I ever visit her, I will be considered a guest of honor in her family. It’s dangerous for Americans to travel in Jamaica unless you are in an all-inclusive resort. But if you are being escorted by a native Jamaican, you can see the real Jamaica without fear.
Warrior;
I’m good girl…….Keep your head out of the weeds….it DOES get better!!!!
2BCop;
Sorry, (I have no idea who the ‘other one’ is), no harm meant.
Look straight ahead……and capture your dreams!
Hens:
What, are you in that alter ego cycle again? I looked out at the moon last night before bed…….and guess who I thought of!!!???!!!!! YOU BABY!!
Ya’ll make it a good day……work is picking up for me again…..YES!!!!!
Foxy Loxy – sounds like you’ve been having a good time. Yahooooooooo. We’ve missed you. Welcome back:)
Hand sewn corsets……..OH MY!!!!!!!
(that would have made a perfect outfit with the feather hat for the radio interview!) 🙂
Kimmy;
XXOO to you darlen.
Greenbean;
What your feeling is remorse brought on by guilt that you don’t OWN!
This is the seed he planted. Don’t nurture that seed.
You are moving in the right direction…..don’t get caught up in his sidetracking ways…..this is what they do.
They ‘keep ahold’ on you.
Allow the two steps forward……knowing that you will always take one back.
When your walking forward…..take mental snapshots on your feelings and emotions and days……and KNOW…..when you take that step back….you KNOW what it feels like in your minds eye to move forward and that will come again.
Know that what your experiencing ‘today’ is temporary……and trust in this.
Keep NC…….your doing well!