By Ox Drover
One of the themes that seems to run throughout the stories of many of, if not most of, the people who have had experiences with psychopaths is that we have either had repeated episodes of being abused by the same psychopath, even after we saw their dishonesty, or had episodes of being sucked into the webs of multiple psychopaths. Or, we have both of these—multiple episodes with multiple psychopaths.
Most of the people I have known who were formerly victims of psychopaths are not stupid. In fact, some of the smartest, most accomplished people I know are former victims, and have been repeatedly victimized by one psychopath after finding out that this person was dishonest and abusive. Somehow, they kept on going back to the relationship, even after multiple attempts to disengage from the abuser. Why? Why does a person who is smart, accomplished, and otherwise successful in life and business keep repeating the same behavior that allows them to be hurt?
There is an often-used quote, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” It seems by this definition that the victims of psychopaths are “insane,” because we keep on trying to have a relationship with someone who is repeatedly abusive. There must be some reason that otherwise smart and successful people keep repeating the behavior that is unsuccessful in its outcome. There must be some common thread among victims and former victims that makes us susceptible to frequently returning to an unsuccessful and painful relationship.
Here’s a little story that may contain what may be a grain of truth that might point us toward the answer to the question of. “Why?”
The Chief and the Snake
Once upon a time there was a very wise and kind Indian chief. One day as the chief was walking through the forest, he came upon a rattlesnake in the path. He stopped and started to go around the snake, not wanting to hurt it, but not wanting to be bitten either.
As the chief started to pass around the snake, the snake spoke to him (not an unusual thing in those days) and said, “Chief, please have mercy on me, my wife and family are on the other side of yonder river, and I can’t swim, and I can’t get to them. Won’t you please pick me up and carry me across the river?”
The chief looked at the snake and laughed a bit and said, “Why, if I tried to pick you up you would bite me and I would die. I am sad that you have a problem but I must not be bitten, or I would die and my own children would starve because there would be no strong man with a bow to hunt brother deer to provide meat to my little ones. Though my heart feels sad for you, no, I must refuse to pick you up.”
The snake then spoke to the chief saying, “But such a brave man as you should not be afraid of such a small snake as I, and I promise from the bottom of my heart that I would never harm you if you were to help me across yon river. I am so afraid that if I am not able to get across, my wife and children will perish. Please help me in my hour of need.”
The chief looked at the snake and his heart was sad because he knew what it was like to have one’s children without food. His heart took pity on the snake, and he agreed to take the snake across the river, if the snake would agree not to bite him.
The chief reached out to pick up the snake and held him high over his head as he waded the swift and cold waters of the river. About half way across the river when the chief was doing his best to protect the snake from the cold waters, the snake reached down and bit him on the neck, sinking his poison fangs deep into the chief’s blood stream.
The chief was surprised and said to the snake, “Brother Snake, why did you bite me, now I will die and you will drown as well. You promised on your honor not to bite me if I would have mercy on you and help you, now we shall both die and our children starve. You promised me.”
The snake replied, “Ah yes, I promised, but you knew what I was when you picked me up,” as they both sank under the swirling cold water of the river.
What we have in common with the chief
What caused the chief to reach out and pick up a snake that he knew was poisonous, that he knew had the power to harm him, and that if he was wrong in making this decision to pick up the snake, and the snake did bite him, that his own children would suffer because of his decision?
Empathy is what the chief had, empathy for the children of the snake. Because the chief loved his own children, he assumed that the snake must also love its children. Just as the chief would do what was best for his children, he empathized that the snake would also do what was best. Since the chief knew that he would never do anything deliberately to cause consequences for his children, he did not see that the snake would deliberately do something that would cause problems for his own offspring.
Thinking that others have the same motivations that we have can get us into the same problems that the chief got into. The chief wanted to help the snake. He felt pity for the snake. He knew that he would not want someone to refuse to help him if it meant that he would die and his children would go hungry, so it never dawned on him that the snake would be willing to make a decision to do a deed that would insure that the snake-children would go hungry.
The chief’s empathy and his thinking that others had the same empathy, the same motivation for their behavior, and no reason to hurt another, even at the cost of hurting themselves or their near and dear, caused him to want to believe the snake’s promise not to bite.
The snake, however, was right. The chief knew what he was when he picked him up. When we allow ourselves to believe the promises of people who have proven that they are dishonest, we open ourselves to be repeatedly injured or even killed. When someone shows you what they are, believe your eyes. Believe what you see, not what you hear.
No Contact
“No contact” is the commonly accepted “treatment” for any abusive relationship. This means that only contact that is required by law (such as meeting that person in a courtroom due to a law uit) or the minimum amount of contact required by law to co-parent with such a person, is the only interaction between you and your former abuser. No contact allows the injuries to cease, and keeps you safe from new and repeated injuries from the abuser.
“No contact” also includes not stalking the person’s Facebook page or other social media. It means blocking or deleting any text messages, phone calls, e-mails or any other form of communication, including having others tell you what the former abuser is “up to.” Refusing to engage in tale carrying, gossip, or drama involved with the former abuser is also essential. If you must speak about the relationship, do it ONLY with a trusted friend or family member who sees that the relationship was/is abusive, and with assurances that the person will keep your information in absolute confidence. This process can be likened to “not renting them space in your head,” which includes wondering if they have a new relationship, and if they are making this new person happy o,r if they will change for this new person, or wondering if you were wrong about what they are.
You know what they are now, so don’t pick them up. NO CONTACT WORKS.
There is a lot to learn about enabling or “dupes” who help the psychopath, and sometimes dupes can be co-abusers abusing or helping the P abuse another victim….or sometimes they are also co-victims.
The book “Games people play” by Dr. Eric Berne might be of help to you, it was a great help to me, to see how my own and other’s enabling helped the psychopaths. Realizing that I was part and parcel by enabling the psychopaths (giving them more chances etc) allowed them to abuse me over and over.
It is the VICTIM-PERSECUTOR-RESCUER triangle where each party plays all 3 roles in turn. It is like musical chairs where each party may have a “favorite” chair but still gets to sit in all 3 of the chairs in rotation.
NO CONTACT stops the “music” and stops the “games” and stops the abuse and it is all that we can do. Even if we listen to them we get sucked back into the game. Your X’s ex-wife (or what ever the strange relationship can be called) is as much a part and parcel as he is, but she may be more victim than co-abuser or she may be more co-abuser. It is not uncommon for two Ps to hook up together to abuse someone else or a group of others…then turn on each other like a pack of feral dogs.
Why do we stay? Why do they stay? The GAME has to have someone in order to continue and we are determined to continue the “game”—whatever our primary role is. The only way to survive is to QUIT PLAYING. Quit dancing around the various “chairs” in this musical game of MADNESS.
Dear Oxy,
super, super, excellent.
this game of musical chairs analogy.
the jerk has to play the game with someone, with the separation and impending divorce, I remember he told me – he can go to the family house, visit the kids, only as and when the wife permits him to do so, Meaning – he has lost the power and control over her – she has quit playing the game with him and will only enter the game if he agrees to her terms – meaning going for counselling and reading books on how to deal with a narcissistic parent with the kids.
so – this means he has lost power and control, no game there with wife anymore.
yes, there was a game with me, which I pulled out of in Jan 2011, until I got sucked in 2 weeks ago.
so he must have an ongoing game, (even though he maybe having all the time, low impact more subtle power games with the kids where he controls them but it still ends up with “my Dad is wonderful”).
I agree Oxy, no game for me. no game of musical madness. I think I was all the 3 roles to him for a while, but now I will not enter the game.
Let somoene else enter the game of musical chairs with Satan.
petite
Dear Petite,
I am so glad that you are doing better and feeling stronger and are not willing to play this musical madness game any more! That’s what it is all about MADNESS and control. As long as we interact with them we end up in one of the chairs, either as the victim or the rescuer feeling sorry for them, or we become angry and strike out at them for what they have done. THERE IS NO WAY TO WIN in the game as long as we march around and around the chairs in the madness….it sounds like his wife has set some boundaries for him and is not playing the game any more. I wish her well, she is dealing with “Satan” for sure. She still has I think some years of co-parenting with him left too, and is I assume still financially dependent on him as well, but I wish her well and I hope that she can continue to remain strong and keep her boundaries strong and protect herself and her children from this man’s narcissistic control games.
You have done well to get away from this man, he would have been nothing but more heart ache and games of pain as long as you were involved with him. He is nothing but a serial cheat and a liar. You deserve much more than that from a relationship. (((hugs)))
LL, Sky, Schic, Star, H2H.
where is everyone tonight.
looks like we all are getting stronger together.
petite
Hi Katy and Oxy,
yes, the wife has co-parenting for another 6-7 years with him and she is finacially dependent on him. he cannot escape – the court will give her a fair settlement.
One of the other red flags – I noted was – that his wife never worked since they have 4 kids, so now he has to pay her based on a non-working spouse, versus a working spouse.
He told me – she is an able womoan, she should find a job.
I will be working as hard and as stressed at work as my other colleagues (the other surgeons) and they will get to take home their whole salary and I will have to give her a part of it and all she has to do is pick up the cheque.
I did not want to poke my nose into his affairs, but in my mind I thought – she is entitled to it, and the reason you have to split the salary is becoz you cheated on her and were deceitful.
he never even considers the fact that if he did not cheat and was a good husband, the family would have never seen this day.
Instead it is – oh, this is unfair to me, to have to work hard and give her a part of my salary. poor me, I am so tormented.
Now I see this so clearly, so narcissistic, it is all “her” fault. he is such a pitiable victim.
Katy, I think you will laugh on this one. are you awake and hope you are doing well.
petite
SuperKid
Your questions have also been on my mind a lot lately – more so than usual.
The answer I’ve come up with is the same for both questions: human beings are attracted to drama. The strength of the attraction is directly correlated to the emotional immaturity of the individual (no offense intended to anyone, we were all stuck there at some time)
You’re first question was: 1) Why do all of us struggle in getting away from and actually letting go of our sociopaths?
When you check for his email you are bound to get some drama and you know it. It is partly an addiction to our own adrenalin, just like any other addiction (our spaths have conditioned us to all that excitement) and it’s partly just how our brains are wired, perhaps because we were raised by drama queens.
Your second question is so much more complicated and difficult: 2) I would really, truly like some understanding of the people who enable sociopaths.
This is difficult because there are different types of enablers. The ones that have confounded me the most are the ones who take pleasure in watching the sociopath’s malice. In their daily lives they don’t seem malevolent themselves, but when a spath shows up in their lives and schemes to hurt or kill someone else, they get giddy with glee!!
WTF? is that all about? I’ve been contemplating it for over a year. I am starting to form an opinion based on the examples of people that I know who fit this profile. The ones I know are meek men or they are women, and one is lazy but can get his full spath on, when he wants to. None of them come close to the evil machinations of my uberspath, the poster child of evil con men. But he inspires them easily to join him in murder or mayhem.
I think that they are just as bad as a spath but they just don’t have his BALLS. Just like any other continuum, there is the AUDACITY continuum. What we are currently describing as a spath is someone who rates high in both evil AND audacity. There are many evil people who are not audacious and won’t go out of their way to harm others, but also won’t lift a finger to help others because they like human suffering. Lots of drama there. The spath is like the serpent who shows up to tempt the other evil ones. He is looking for coherts and patsys.
That is what I’ve come up with, based on those evil ones that I’ve had the misfortune to know personally, to answer these questions. I’m not sure it’s a complete picture and I’ll probably keep searching for the complete answer, but for now it’s all I’ve got to help me make sense of the idiots.
Edit: I just remembered something that really gave me an AHA! moment on this question. I was talking to Claudia (Claudia I hope you don’t mind that I paraphrase you here) and she told me that before she knew that her spath WAS a spath, she noticed that he tended to have a lot of narcissistic friends. When she asked him WHY he would want to have this type of friends, he said something to the effect that it’s because they provide better “covers”. The spaths DO recognize each other and they DO understand when someone is more likely to add to their drama. Just like a drug addict can spot another drug addict and KNOWS they want to be friends with someone who is likely to be a source of supply.
Hi Petite,
Yes, you are seeing that he is never responsible for what happens to him – it will always be a woman’s fault. They hate women most especially. And the idea of marrying you so he could take your money, it’s just perfect isn’t it? Then he would have YOU paying his alimonly and child support for him. Just perfect spath logic. He is surely Satan and I’m sooooo glad you dumped his ugly ass. You’ve scored a win for us Petite, thank you.
Hello Ox,
Thank you for this article and for your additional posts within the thread. I am recently becoming aware of a new aspect of my situation that had not come into play before just a few weeks ago. Just to reiterate, I was in the relationshit for 9.5 months, and I have been 100% NC (on my part) for the past 4 months, straight. What has been occurring most recently is that I have been randomly running into P and his new victim/girlfriend when I am out viewing properties on Broker’s Caravan. I had not gone on Caravan for months, because I possessed fear of what seeing him would stir in me. I got to the point where I felt strong enough (mostly from all of the knowledge I have gained) that my fear was over powered by the knowlege, and the wisdom, itself.
Although I do not fear him any longer, I am learning (seeing a pattern) that when I have this (involuntary) contact with him, it brings up (triggers) thoughts of the past and causes me to obsess, ruminate for a few days after encountering him, in person (each and every time). I go backwards in my healing, so to speak.
Yesterday, I decided that I best not go on Caravan any longer. When I had been avoiding it, previously, There was no sign of him, therefore I was progressively healing at a slow but steady pace, without all of the ups and downs, obsessive thoughts, random heart-beat excellerations, etc. I do not wish to think of this as giving P control over me. I truly feel that in order to heal further, I must stop puting myself in the position of running into him. I would like to think that the day will eventually come that I will no longer be affected by merely running into him briefly, here and there.
I read what you expressed to Star, and I am wondering, in your opinion, do you think that I would be giving my power to the P. I personally do not see it this way, and I do know that it takes practice to gain strength, and that many times, the healing comes from NOT running from the issue at hand. Do you see it as this, or do you think that I would in fact be better off keeping myself from having to come in contact with him, until I reach the next level, of sorts?
I truly appreciate your support.
Thank you so much for everything!
Eden
Dear Sky,
thanks for the words of encouragement.
It is weird – in his case, as he draws a decent salary, he likes to bring home the bacon and use that financial power and control over her. if he lived on the woman’s salary or if he even was earning- he would have to bow to her whims to some extent and she would have control and power, at least to some extent, and my jerk will not want it that way.
So, he wants to have sole financial control and is cribbing of having to pay her – as from his point of view, her utility value for him is over. He could care less for her comfort.
as they say – a narcissist appears to care for you and will support you financially as long as you are of some use to him. Meaning that in his equation – reward should always be more than investment. after that he won’t even bat an eyelid.
is my thinking correct.
petite
Hi Eden,
how are you. seems you are doing well.
you must have read my posts as to how I slipped and got burnt and now have decided not to play the game of musical madness ANYMORE.
petite