By Ox Drover
One of the themes that seems to run throughout the stories of many of, if not most of, the people who have had experiences with psychopaths is that we have either had repeated episodes of being abused by the same psychopath, even after we saw their dishonesty, or had episodes of being sucked into the webs of multiple psychopaths. Or, we have both of these—multiple episodes with multiple psychopaths.
Most of the people I have known who were formerly victims of psychopaths are not stupid. In fact, some of the smartest, most accomplished people I know are former victims, and have been repeatedly victimized by one psychopath after finding out that this person was dishonest and abusive. Somehow, they kept on going back to the relationship, even after multiple attempts to disengage from the abuser. Why? Why does a person who is smart, accomplished, and otherwise successful in life and business keep repeating the same behavior that allows them to be hurt?
There is an often-used quote, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” It seems by this definition that the victims of psychopaths are “insane,” because we keep on trying to have a relationship with someone who is repeatedly abusive. There must be some reason that otherwise smart and successful people keep repeating the behavior that is unsuccessful in its outcome. There must be some common thread among victims and former victims that makes us susceptible to frequently returning to an unsuccessful and painful relationship.
Here’s a little story that may contain what may be a grain of truth that might point us toward the answer to the question of. “Why?”
The Chief and the Snake
Once upon a time there was a very wise and kind Indian chief. One day as the chief was walking through the forest, he came upon a rattlesnake in the path. He stopped and started to go around the snake, not wanting to hurt it, but not wanting to be bitten either.
As the chief started to pass around the snake, the snake spoke to him (not an unusual thing in those days) and said, “Chief, please have mercy on me, my wife and family are on the other side of yonder river, and I can’t swim, and I can’t get to them. Won’t you please pick me up and carry me across the river?”
The chief looked at the snake and laughed a bit and said, “Why, if I tried to pick you up you would bite me and I would die. I am sad that you have a problem but I must not be bitten, or I would die and my own children would starve because there would be no strong man with a bow to hunt brother deer to provide meat to my little ones. Though my heart feels sad for you, no, I must refuse to pick you up.”
The snake then spoke to the chief saying, “But such a brave man as you should not be afraid of such a small snake as I, and I promise from the bottom of my heart that I would never harm you if you were to help me across yon river. I am so afraid that if I am not able to get across, my wife and children will perish. Please help me in my hour of need.”
The chief looked at the snake and his heart was sad because he knew what it was like to have one’s children without food. His heart took pity on the snake, and he agreed to take the snake across the river, if the snake would agree not to bite him.
The chief reached out to pick up the snake and held him high over his head as he waded the swift and cold waters of the river. About half way across the river when the chief was doing his best to protect the snake from the cold waters, the snake reached down and bit him on the neck, sinking his poison fangs deep into the chief’s blood stream.
The chief was surprised and said to the snake, “Brother Snake, why did you bite me, now I will die and you will drown as well. You promised on your honor not to bite me if I would have mercy on you and help you, now we shall both die and our children starve. You promised me.”
The snake replied, “Ah yes, I promised, but you knew what I was when you picked me up,” as they both sank under the swirling cold water of the river.
What we have in common with the chief
What caused the chief to reach out and pick up a snake that he knew was poisonous, that he knew had the power to harm him, and that if he was wrong in making this decision to pick up the snake, and the snake did bite him, that his own children would suffer because of his decision?
Empathy is what the chief had, empathy for the children of the snake. Because the chief loved his own children, he assumed that the snake must also love its children. Just as the chief would do what was best for his children, he empathized that the snake would also do what was best. Since the chief knew that he would never do anything deliberately to cause consequences for his children, he did not see that the snake would deliberately do something that would cause problems for his own offspring.
Thinking that others have the same motivations that we have can get us into the same problems that the chief got into. The chief wanted to help the snake. He felt pity for the snake. He knew that he would not want someone to refuse to help him if it meant that he would die and his children would go hungry, so it never dawned on him that the snake would be willing to make a decision to do a deed that would insure that the snake-children would go hungry.
The chief’s empathy and his thinking that others had the same empathy, the same motivation for their behavior, and no reason to hurt another, even at the cost of hurting themselves or their near and dear, caused him to want to believe the snake’s promise not to bite.
The snake, however, was right. The chief knew what he was when he picked him up. When we allow ourselves to believe the promises of people who have proven that they are dishonest, we open ourselves to be repeatedly injured or even killed. When someone shows you what they are, believe your eyes. Believe what you see, not what you hear.
No Contact
“No contact” is the commonly accepted “treatment” for any abusive relationship. This means that only contact that is required by law (such as meeting that person in a courtroom due to a law uit) or the minimum amount of contact required by law to co-parent with such a person, is the only interaction between you and your former abuser. No contact allows the injuries to cease, and keeps you safe from new and repeated injuries from the abuser.
“No contact” also includes not stalking the person’s Facebook page or other social media. It means blocking or deleting any text messages, phone calls, e-mails or any other form of communication, including having others tell you what the former abuser is “up to.” Refusing to engage in tale carrying, gossip, or drama involved with the former abuser is also essential. If you must speak about the relationship, do it ONLY with a trusted friend or family member who sees that the relationship was/is abusive, and with assurances that the person will keep your information in absolute confidence. This process can be likened to “not renting them space in your head,” which includes wondering if they have a new relationship, and if they are making this new person happy o,r if they will change for this new person, or wondering if you were wrong about what they are.
You know what they are now, so don’t pick them up. NO CONTACT WORKS.
LL ~ You’ll get there. Just keep on keepin’ on. We’re all here to help each other. Lean when you need to. Post what you’re feeling. It truly does help to “vent”.
Hang in there baby! Things will get better. (((hugs)))
LL,
Thank you for your sincere compliment. Yes you CAN recover. Let’s take where you are at and put it into perspective. I call it “putting parentheses around it” because I’m such a grammar freak. You are a lovely, lovely human being (I think LL should stand for Lovely Lady). You are in a great deal of pain because you are grieving. You also have thoughts and beliefs about the pain you’re in and about yourself in general that may not be completely accurate, and those are probably causing you mental pain. You CAN process some of it alone, and you can do it right now in the privacy of your own home.
One of the things that you might look out for is the “story” you create about where you’re at. My story was something along the lines of….”I’m so screwed up. I will never get better. There is something fundamentally wrong with me. I am not capable of love. It will take years. My parents really did a number on me.” I used to tell people that my personality rests in sadness. It became part of my imagined identity. None of these things are true. But I believed them for many years. The cognitive part of therapy – either with yourself or with your therapist – is to identify the beliefs you have about yourself and your situation. You can do this on your own right now. Then you can sit very quietly and feel into your pain. Try to feel exactly what it is and put a label to it: anger, sadness, fear, etc. Don’t try to get into the story of it too soon – the whys and the hows. Just feel the actual feeling in your body. Where is it? How big is it? What exactly does it feel like? It will be one of the emotions, but it might take a while to identify it and really feel into it. Once you can really feel it and identify it, it will come to the surface and you will be able to process it. But you need to get very quiet with no distractions. You actually need to tune out the outside world and go inside. Remember you are grieving a 10-year relationship right now. Just because it was an unhealthy relationship doesn’t mean you don’t have the right to grieve. You probably need to have a really good cry. Be careful about the story you tell yourself about where you’re at. If you tell yourself it will take many years, it will. A better thing to tell yourself is that you are open to transformation, and transformation can happen in a second. It is always happening.
You can start this process on your own, LL. Don’t feel you have to be dependent on a therapist to heal. It will greatly speed your process if you find a good one, but you can do a lot on your own, too. You are in charge of your own healing process. And BTW, if you need to talk, you can call me.
Nolarn, NOTHING is going on with the neighbor boy. That’s the problem. I’m not ready to let him go, but I don’t quite have the confidence to talk to him. I will soon, though. I keep waiting till I run into him but I rarely ever see him.
Star-what happened with him before though, can you refresh my memory. I have been so caught up with my own joblessness and crap that sometimes I have can’t remember shit and it scares me. The doc says I may be in early menopause at 38 and I feel like there’s something wrong with my brain-my memory is a little foggy. Did he blow you off or something? I know you told me the story and I hate to make you say it again.
Court was hell today. However, it made me feel and realize I am truly MUCH saner than I thought I was. Everyone thinks I am paranoid but I watched “my” psycho lie through his teeth, everything from never having sex with me (we first had sex in high school) to having two years sober (when we went out for beers on Thanksgiving and I footed the tab.)
It was hell. Him and his attorney flipped everything around, calling ME paranoid, a stalker, and even accused me of trying to extort money from his family. I’m the one who footed the bill for everything, I never asked for a dime back.
We have two character witnesses and one cross-examination waiting. His mom and my ex-business partner. They’re going to call me crazy, drug addicted (I haven’t touched alcohol or pot for two months, and probably never will again) and, on top of that, a slut.
Even though we never had sex this time around. And HE says we never had sex at all, ever. What bs.
I was feeling guilty last night, feeling sad about the good times. According to him, we were never close, there were never good times. I don’t feel anything about it anymore. Except MAD. And happy I made it through 3 hours of questioning — putting my life on trial — and I still feel whole. Watching him lie about the most obnoxious things in the world, lie just for the hell of it, and lie because he is about to be put in violation of his parole if I get a protective order. I am STILL leaving town after this, I am still scared, but the atty general is amazing.
However, that’s no guarantee that I will win the protective order. I don’t care anymore. Thank God I have the ability to pay off my debts, have access to a little cash, and will be able to bail when the time is right.
With all this evil, I am really blessed, and I keep reminding myself of that.
I MADE IT through hell many times before, but now I am staring the devil in the face in court again next week, and he’s going to slip with his lies, there are facts on paper that can’t be ignored. Thank God the atty general took my case. Thank God that even though my mom is a crazy alcoholic, she’s mustered some support for me. Thank God that these forums really remind me that I’m not alone, and that I WILL GET OUT and away as soon as possible.
mysmys-I hope it gets better for you.
Dear Mysmys,
So glad to hear that your strong and standing tall in the face of all the lies that the spath is telling. If he slips and gets caught with his lies, that is like retribution for all of us here who haven’t been believed when we try and tell everyone “He’s lying!!!”.
Boy oh boy, I hope he gets caught in his own little lying web of crap.
Good for you for being able to get away from him. I wish you much happiness and peace in your journey. It’s only bliss when we are away from their crazy making. Pure bliss.
Nolarn:
The neighbor boy and I have been friendly and neighborly for 7 years. I think we always respected each other but were very different people. He is a rock star and successful guitar instructor. He had given me a few guitar lessons and even pet sat for me once. It was all very innocent, and it never occurred to me to think of him as more than a friend. He never flirted. I was starting to wonder if maybe he was gay. But anyway, I only see him once every 6 months or so, even though my front door looks out onto his back patio.
Then one day last summer, it all changed. He started flirting with me at the pool and said we should get together and do something. But he told me to call him. Well, I don’t call men and didn’t have his number any more. He told me it was on his website. I just forgot about it.
Then one day about two weeks later, I looked at his website for the first time. I saw that not only is he gorgeous, but he is very educated, successful, interesting, and intelligent. That he is someone I would actually be interested in. So I called him but didn’t leave a message. The next day, I saw him sitting on his patio. I asked if I could see his remodeled place (which was gorgeous). We were having a friendly chat and he asked me what I was doing later on. We ended up having dinner that evening. He came to get me at the door, opened doors for me, and paid for the dinner. But then I went to hug him afterward, and he gave me a lukewarm hug. He didn’t call me after that. So…….(to be continued)
Star-Ok I’m starting to remember now. I knew he was a musician but didn’t something happen with ya’ll?
So I wasn’t sure how he felt about me. So about a week or two later, I called him and asked him if he wanted a massage. I needed bodies to practice my new medical massage techniques on. He came over, took his shirt off, and lay down on my table. He was so hot, I almost jumped him (except that my massage table is sacred). As I gave him a massage, we talked, just very friend-like. No flirting. Then he went over and lounged on my sofa and started playing my guitar. We had a glass of wine. So I KNEW this guy liked me. But he never made a move. We were sitting there next to eacher other on the sofa. I was WAITING for him to make the move and he wouldn’t do it! So I made the first move. I kissed him. He was very tentative about kissing me back. I was very confused. I asked him if he would put his arms around me. That’s when he said, I think it would work better if we were lying down. I said, “okay”. Then he said, “no, in the bedroom.” LOL Well, I figured…it’s probably safe because this guy is not making any moves on me. But the minute we got on the bed, he starts ripping my clothes off and his. I couldn’t believe it! He goes from platonic friend mode to full sex mode without the romance!!!! This is how he operates.
So I had a decision to make quickly. Do I just have sex with him or say no? I decided to go ahead and do it. It wasn’t great, because obviously there was no foreplay. But I was still very attracted to him. So afterward, he is talking about all the things he wants to do with me. I point to my telephone and say, “See this? It’s a telephone. You have one, too. You need to use it to CALL me, because I am not going to chase you.” So of course he never calls.
Two weeks later, same scene repeated. I reached out to him, asking him for a guitar lesson, and it ends the same way. It was very strange. So a few nights later I go over to his condo to tell him I’m embarrassed about what happened. He gets all nervous and asks me if I want to do something with him. We make a plan to go to the pool on Friday. So at 2:30 he hasn’t shown up. I emailed him, and he was right there, flirting with me. He asked me about going hiking, and (on his initiative) we made a tentative plan to go hiking that weekend. He was supposed to call me the next day. He never called!!!
So then I saw him the next day sitting on his patio. He asked me where I was going. I said, “I’m going hiking! (duh!)” It’s as if he totally forgot we were supposed to go!
I got tired of this nonsense and left him alone for the rest of the summer. We had a few friendly emails, and he said he wanted to go to dinner with me. But he never called. So I gave up.
Fast forward 2 months……..I went to Costa Rica and met Raymond. Raymond was such a fabulous lover, he made me forget all about the neighbor boy.
To be continued…..