By Ox Drover
One of the themes that seems to run throughout the stories of many of, if not most of, the people who have had experiences with psychopaths is that we have either had repeated episodes of being abused by the same psychopath, even after we saw their dishonesty, or had episodes of being sucked into the webs of multiple psychopaths. Or, we have both of these—multiple episodes with multiple psychopaths.
Most of the people I have known who were formerly victims of psychopaths are not stupid. In fact, some of the smartest, most accomplished people I know are former victims, and have been repeatedly victimized by one psychopath after finding out that this person was dishonest and abusive. Somehow, they kept on going back to the relationship, even after multiple attempts to disengage from the abuser. Why? Why does a person who is smart, accomplished, and otherwise successful in life and business keep repeating the same behavior that allows them to be hurt?
There is an often-used quote, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” It seems by this definition that the victims of psychopaths are “insane,” because we keep on trying to have a relationship with someone who is repeatedly abusive. There must be some reason that otherwise smart and successful people keep repeating the behavior that is unsuccessful in its outcome. There must be some common thread among victims and former victims that makes us susceptible to frequently returning to an unsuccessful and painful relationship.
Here’s a little story that may contain what may be a grain of truth that might point us toward the answer to the question of. “Why?”
The Chief and the Snake
Once upon a time there was a very wise and kind Indian chief. One day as the chief was walking through the forest, he came upon a rattlesnake in the path. He stopped and started to go around the snake, not wanting to hurt it, but not wanting to be bitten either.
As the chief started to pass around the snake, the snake spoke to him (not an unusual thing in those days) and said, “Chief, please have mercy on me, my wife and family are on the other side of yonder river, and I can’t swim, and I can’t get to them. Won’t you please pick me up and carry me across the river?”
The chief looked at the snake and laughed a bit and said, “Why, if I tried to pick you up you would bite me and I would die. I am sad that you have a problem but I must not be bitten, or I would die and my own children would starve because there would be no strong man with a bow to hunt brother deer to provide meat to my little ones. Though my heart feels sad for you, no, I must refuse to pick you up.”
The snake then spoke to the chief saying, “But such a brave man as you should not be afraid of such a small snake as I, and I promise from the bottom of my heart that I would never harm you if you were to help me across yon river. I am so afraid that if I am not able to get across, my wife and children will perish. Please help me in my hour of need.”
The chief looked at the snake and his heart was sad because he knew what it was like to have one’s children without food. His heart took pity on the snake, and he agreed to take the snake across the river, if the snake would agree not to bite him.
The chief reached out to pick up the snake and held him high over his head as he waded the swift and cold waters of the river. About half way across the river when the chief was doing his best to protect the snake from the cold waters, the snake reached down and bit him on the neck, sinking his poison fangs deep into the chief’s blood stream.
The chief was surprised and said to the snake, “Brother Snake, why did you bite me, now I will die and you will drown as well. You promised on your honor not to bite me if I would have mercy on you and help you, now we shall both die and our children starve. You promised me.”
The snake replied, “Ah yes, I promised, but you knew what I was when you picked me up,” as they both sank under the swirling cold water of the river.
What we have in common with the chief
What caused the chief to reach out and pick up a snake that he knew was poisonous, that he knew had the power to harm him, and that if he was wrong in making this decision to pick up the snake, and the snake did bite him, that his own children would suffer because of his decision?
Empathy is what the chief had, empathy for the children of the snake. Because the chief loved his own children, he assumed that the snake must also love its children. Just as the chief would do what was best for his children, he empathized that the snake would also do what was best. Since the chief knew that he would never do anything deliberately to cause consequences for his children, he did not see that the snake would deliberately do something that would cause problems for his own offspring.
Thinking that others have the same motivations that we have can get us into the same problems that the chief got into. The chief wanted to help the snake. He felt pity for the snake. He knew that he would not want someone to refuse to help him if it meant that he would die and his children would go hungry, so it never dawned on him that the snake would be willing to make a decision to do a deed that would insure that the snake-children would go hungry.
The chief’s empathy and his thinking that others had the same empathy, the same motivation for their behavior, and no reason to hurt another, even at the cost of hurting themselves or their near and dear, caused him to want to believe the snake’s promise not to bite.
The snake, however, was right. The chief knew what he was when he picked him up. When we allow ourselves to believe the promises of people who have proven that they are dishonest, we open ourselves to be repeatedly injured or even killed. When someone shows you what they are, believe your eyes. Believe what you see, not what you hear.
No Contact
“No contact” is the commonly accepted “treatment” for any abusive relationship. This means that only contact that is required by law (such as meeting that person in a courtroom due to a law uit) or the minimum amount of contact required by law to co-parent with such a person, is the only interaction between you and your former abuser. No contact allows the injuries to cease, and keeps you safe from new and repeated injuries from the abuser.
“No contact” also includes not stalking the person’s Facebook page or other social media. It means blocking or deleting any text messages, phone calls, e-mails or any other form of communication, including having others tell you what the former abuser is “up to.” Refusing to engage in tale carrying, gossip, or drama involved with the former abuser is also essential. If you must speak about the relationship, do it ONLY with a trusted friend or family member who sees that the relationship was/is abusive, and with assurances that the person will keep your information in absolute confidence. This process can be likened to “not renting them space in your head,” which includes wondering if they have a new relationship, and if they are making this new person happy o,r if they will change for this new person, or wondering if you were wrong about what they are.
You know what they are now, so don’t pick them up. NO CONTACT WORKS.
Star-so are you and the neighbor the same age or is there a difference? His behavior is weird and I don’t like it. I don’t know what kind of a man treats a lady like that. That whole couch to the bedroom thing-WEIRD. The whole no foreplay thing-disrespectful. When I think about my neighbor, hell, the foreplay would be so fabulous, the more the better. How you gonna treat a lady like that? You gotta make her happy and you deserve that. I don’t get that. Then what’s up with the fear of the telephone?
Is he younger than you?
So I came back from Costa Rica with feelings for Raymond. But we were slowly drifting apart which was painful. Meantime I met another musician in CA who was yanking my chain. I was fed up with the two men in my life, so I decided now that I was totally over the neighbor boy, I would go over and hang out with him (no sex). So I knocked on his door. He was so happy to see me. We went for a walk and went to run an errand at the guitar store. He bought me a flavored tea next store. We had a great time. We went back to his place, and he kept trying to lure me into his bedroom. I told him “no, the last time I did that, you never called me, and it was humiliating.” He said “I promise I’ll call you.” (What are we, in high school?) He is not the most mature. So I refused to sleep with him, but I did get him to slow dance with me. That night I went to see his band play. I drooled over him on stage playing his guitar. Then I forgot about him
The next day, he emails me telling me how much fun it was to see me there and asks me to send him my phone number because his computer had crashed and he had lost it. So I sent it, not expecting anything. The next day, the loser actually called me. He asked me to go work out with him that week at the gym. To make a long story short, we became gym buddies 3 times a week. Right before that happened, we did sleep together a third time. He continued to call me but didn’t act romantic (he is not much into kissing and cuddling). Then we had an argument in the car over some philosophical difference (and also I think he was a little jealous of a guy I had mentioned who had gifted me some work on my computer). But then the next day he left me a message inviting me to a movie and/or to lunch that week. It was clear he liked me and was in pursuit. But he did not talk about anything romantic – he just treated me like a friend. He gave me so many mixed messages! When the holidays rolled around, I gave him a book. He said he had a gift for me but he wanted to give it to me at the gym. He mentioned again about going to lunch or going to the gym. I was very tentative about both. Don’t ask me why – I think I was just scared. We talked about getting together for NYE but ended up doing our own thing. I could totally sense that he didn’t want the seriousness of the NYE date. It was disappointing. But the whole next week, he called, offering to take me to my MD appt at 7am when my car broke, and offering to take me to a mechanic. He was SO sweet to me! Just as a friend and neighbor. I played REALLY hard to get, waiting days to return his calls.
Then finally, I called him on a Saturday to take him up on his lunch offer. He never returned my call. That was the first week of January. It is now the end of April! I did run into him at the gym a few weeks later. He was on his cell phone but being all friendly to me. I just said hello and then blew him off. I went into the pool to swim. When I looked up, I saw him looking into the pool area, almost as if he was waiting for me. Or maybe he was just to scared of me to walk across the pool area to go to the sauna where he liked to go. He was gone when I got out of the pool. This is the last time we spoke.
A few weeks ago, I drove by him to park my car. He was riding his bike in the complex. He turned around and rode back the other way, almost as if to avoid me. But when I went to get my mail, he rode right past me, not saying anything. It’s almost like some sort of game.
Then last week, I happened to be on my dating site and saw his profile up there! He stated in the profile that he was looking for a relationship. I was really crushed. I never had a “talk” with him and told him I liked him. It’s almost like he is the girl in a relationship and needs the other person to make all the moves. I’ve never seen anything like it before. I know he is very good looking and is used to women throwing themselves at him. But I think deep down he’s a shy introvert.
One thing, when we reconnected in November, he told me he hadn’t slept with anyone else since he’d been with me in June. I got angry and called him a liar. He looked at me very sincerely and told me it was the truth. (With his lack of seductions skills, I could believe it). He is not a spath, and I don’t think he is a liar.
So you tell ME what is going on with him? We were friends for a while, then everything just stopped, and now he seems to be avoiding me. I decided to just let him go and not do anything. But when I saw him on the dating site, I realized I still have feelings for him. It sucks. I just never had the confidence to be straight with him. And he played a lot of games too I think. He does smoke a lot of pot, and I think this is part of his problem. A bazillion red flags. But I just like him.
He is six years younger than me.
So I just assumed he wasn’t into me and just moved on. But when I told the hypnotist the story, she saw it from a different angle. She thought we were both too terrified to break the ice, and she pointed out all the games I played and the mixed message I gave him. So now I’m left not knowing what really happened. I at least would like to have some closure and be on speaking terms with him again. We used to be friends. I suspect when I get interested in someone else, he will be history. He is such a weirdo. One of the most creative, intelligent and high energy people I know. And a total weirdo.
He sounds quite immature to me. I would have guessed that the age difference was more than six years-partly because of his lack of phone skills and always wanting to email and he is playing games. I don’t like games. Although I was kind of in that mode a little myself the other night when I felt my lady was blowing me off a little. I ended up not ignoring her like I was thinking of doing. Maybe he is inexperienced and just has no idea how to treat a lady that is actually worth something. He is not treating you like you deserve to be treated. That bothers me. If you really think you still have feelings for him then maybe you need to talk to him more. If you end up connecting with him again maybe you need to establish some ground rules with yourself. You need to find out more about him. Steve Harvey says don’t get intimate with someone for at least 90 days in a relationship-like most jobs have a 90 probationary period. That makes so much sense to me. I would stick to activities like going for coffee or something where you can communicate a lot.
He doesn’t know how to treat a lady-that’s for sure. Hell, I could give him some lessons on that!
Star ~ wow, that is bizzare! He does sound like someone who is accustomed to being pursued. It’s possible that he truly is a bit shy, almost afraid to be the one to make the first move.
Your description reminds me a bit of someone that I knew in my younger days, he was a pretty good friend of mine. He was a gorgeous hunk of man, also a very talented guitarist, but absolutely no self-confidence when it came to approaching women. They would literally swarm all over him during breaks when he was playing a gig.
I guess I just thought I would share. I have no experience with the man as far as a romantic relationship goes. We were only good friends, strictly platonic. He sure was a LOOKER though. YUMMY!!!
It absolutely astounds me that a 44 year-old has no seduction skills with women (that’s how I know he’s not a sociopath). But I’m disappointed with myself that I wasn’t more upfront, because I think that’s what he needs. If I ever have the opportunity, I will have a talk with him just to clear the air and have some closure. I don’t know if he’s met anyone or not. It’s hard to know with him. It wouldn’t surprise me if he hasn’t been with anyone else because he won’t put himself out. But he’s gorgeous, funny, intelligent, and has so many great qualities. And he can be very generous. But he can also be aloof.
I wish I could post his picture. He is so gorgeous, you will drool. And outside of his strange behaviors with women, he is a really nice guy. He even has two cats that he loves dearly. I love that.
Star ~ we posted over each other. Did you see my post above?