By Ox Drover
One of the themes that seems to run throughout the stories of many of, if not most of, the people who have had experiences with psychopaths is that we have either had repeated episodes of being abused by the same psychopath, even after we saw their dishonesty, or had episodes of being sucked into the webs of multiple psychopaths. Or, we have both of these—multiple episodes with multiple psychopaths.
Most of the people I have known who were formerly victims of psychopaths are not stupid. In fact, some of the smartest, most accomplished people I know are former victims, and have been repeatedly victimized by one psychopath after finding out that this person was dishonest and abusive. Somehow, they kept on going back to the relationship, even after multiple attempts to disengage from the abuser. Why? Why does a person who is smart, accomplished, and otherwise successful in life and business keep repeating the same behavior that allows them to be hurt?
There is an often-used quote, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” It seems by this definition that the victims of psychopaths are “insane,” because we keep on trying to have a relationship with someone who is repeatedly abusive. There must be some reason that otherwise smart and successful people keep repeating the behavior that is unsuccessful in its outcome. There must be some common thread among victims and former victims that makes us susceptible to frequently returning to an unsuccessful and painful relationship.
Here’s a little story that may contain what may be a grain of truth that might point us toward the answer to the question of. “Why?”
The Chief and the Snake
Once upon a time there was a very wise and kind Indian chief. One day as the chief was walking through the forest, he came upon a rattlesnake in the path. He stopped and started to go around the snake, not wanting to hurt it, but not wanting to be bitten either.
As the chief started to pass around the snake, the snake spoke to him (not an unusual thing in those days) and said, “Chief, please have mercy on me, my wife and family are on the other side of yonder river, and I can’t swim, and I can’t get to them. Won’t you please pick me up and carry me across the river?”
The chief looked at the snake and laughed a bit and said, “Why, if I tried to pick you up you would bite me and I would die. I am sad that you have a problem but I must not be bitten, or I would die and my own children would starve because there would be no strong man with a bow to hunt brother deer to provide meat to my little ones. Though my heart feels sad for you, no, I must refuse to pick you up.”
The snake then spoke to the chief saying, “But such a brave man as you should not be afraid of such a small snake as I, and I promise from the bottom of my heart that I would never harm you if you were to help me across yon river. I am so afraid that if I am not able to get across, my wife and children will perish. Please help me in my hour of need.”
The chief looked at the snake and his heart was sad because he knew what it was like to have one’s children without food. His heart took pity on the snake, and he agreed to take the snake across the river, if the snake would agree not to bite him.
The chief reached out to pick up the snake and held him high over his head as he waded the swift and cold waters of the river. About half way across the river when the chief was doing his best to protect the snake from the cold waters, the snake reached down and bit him on the neck, sinking his poison fangs deep into the chief’s blood stream.
The chief was surprised and said to the snake, “Brother Snake, why did you bite me, now I will die and you will drown as well. You promised on your honor not to bite me if I would have mercy on you and help you, now we shall both die and our children starve. You promised me.”
The snake replied, “Ah yes, I promised, but you knew what I was when you picked me up,” as they both sank under the swirling cold water of the river.
What we have in common with the chief
What caused the chief to reach out and pick up a snake that he knew was poisonous, that he knew had the power to harm him, and that if he was wrong in making this decision to pick up the snake, and the snake did bite him, that his own children would suffer because of his decision?
Empathy is what the chief had, empathy for the children of the snake. Because the chief loved his own children, he assumed that the snake must also love its children. Just as the chief would do what was best for his children, he empathized that the snake would also do what was best. Since the chief knew that he would never do anything deliberately to cause consequences for his children, he did not see that the snake would deliberately do something that would cause problems for his own offspring.
Thinking that others have the same motivations that we have can get us into the same problems that the chief got into. The chief wanted to help the snake. He felt pity for the snake. He knew that he would not want someone to refuse to help him if it meant that he would die and his children would go hungry, so it never dawned on him that the snake would be willing to make a decision to do a deed that would insure that the snake-children would go hungry.
The chief’s empathy and his thinking that others had the same empathy, the same motivation for their behavior, and no reason to hurt another, even at the cost of hurting themselves or their near and dear, caused him to want to believe the snake’s promise not to bite.
The snake, however, was right. The chief knew what he was when he picked him up. When we allow ourselves to believe the promises of people who have proven that they are dishonest, we open ourselves to be repeatedly injured or even killed. When someone shows you what they are, believe your eyes. Believe what you see, not what you hear.
No Contact
“No contact” is the commonly accepted “treatment” for any abusive relationship. This means that only contact that is required by law (such as meeting that person in a courtroom due to a law uit) or the minimum amount of contact required by law to co-parent with such a person, is the only interaction between you and your former abuser. No contact allows the injuries to cease, and keeps you safe from new and repeated injuries from the abuser.
“No contact” also includes not stalking the person’s Facebook page or other social media. It means blocking or deleting any text messages, phone calls, e-mails or any other form of communication, including having others tell you what the former abuser is “up to.” Refusing to engage in tale carrying, gossip, or drama involved with the former abuser is also essential. If you must speak about the relationship, do it ONLY with a trusted friend or family member who sees that the relationship was/is abusive, and with assurances that the person will keep your information in absolute confidence. This process can be likened to “not renting them space in your head,” which includes wondering if they have a new relationship, and if they are making this new person happy o,r if they will change for this new person, or wondering if you were wrong about what they are.
You know what they are now, so don’t pick them up. NO CONTACT WORKS.
new winter,
Your post made me laugh.
Thanks bluejay 🙂 I know it’s stupid, but I needed to regain my dignity and control back after losing everything to this jerk. It felt good to know I put a significant dent in his life.
He’s already convinced everyone in his life that I’m CRAZY AND BIPOLAR, so I don’t really care about my reputation 😛 The biggest mistake he made was destroying everything about me, because the person who has nothing left to lose can cause a lot of damage to the guy who lives in a sandcastle world
new winter,
No matter what he say’s, people now have the word SOCIOPATH in their minds (even if it is in the back of their minds) attached to him, so when he exhibits the traits, your words will either be true or not (in their minds).
bluejay,
exactly 🙂 the power of suggestion. something i never even knew of until it was used against me as a punishment for doing nothing
New Winter
Delete the names to protect the guilty – and consider posting it? I’d love to read it. I’ve often wondered what I would say to others about my spath.
Superkid10
Yeah, it would be a hoot to read your, “I am a sociopath letter, New winter.
I love the letter that Steve wrote. Seems to me we need a few letters.
1) “you are a sociopath” letter.
2) “he’s a sociopath” letter (to friends and family).
3) “you’re the sociopath’s new victim” letter.
What else?
Bopeep ~ please post and let us know that you’re OK.
The others have given excellent advice. We are here for you.
Praying for you, to help you find the strength. Take your POWER back, it is still within you. Come on, you know you can do this. Please don’t take anymore of that Vicodin.
((hugs))
Here it is! Very long…. Citations (which I made sure to include in the letter as well! More resources for his victims):
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/ (Donna Andersen & Contributors)
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/ (Claudia Moscovici)
http://www.narcissismfree.com/ (Kaleah LaRoche)
Some quotes taken directly, some modified to fit the “me/you” style. Some just written myself 🙂 Feel free to use any of it, but please be sure to recognize & cite the authors above, since this letter is entirely built upon their work.
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I am a sociopath.
My serious brain disorder has several names: sociopathy, psychopathy, antisocial personality disorder, and malignant narcissism. Although there may be some useful distinctions between these terms, they all describe a similar phenomenon– while I’m intellectually aware of common standards and laws of “right and wrong,” I nonetheless chronically violate the boundaries and integrity of others with deficient remorse, deficient empathy, a deficient sense of accountability and, typically, with an attitude of contempt or indifference towards the suffering of those I’ve violated.
I have extremely shallow emotions and connections with others. I can make friends quickly, but these friendships are superficial– so I can use others for their connections, money, resources, and, above all, attention. I cannot empathize, love, or care for them. They exist for my own benefit. The actual needs and feelings of others are annoying to me, especially my friends and family.
In a lover, one of the things that might attract you to me is how quickly I declare you my soul mate. Within weeks, I’ll commit to you, say we’re perfect together, and tell you how much better you are than my crazy exes. This might be expected behavior from a first boyfriend or virgin, but it is insane from someone like myself who has already experienced three serious relationships. This is because these are not my feelings– they are my strategy. I do not feel love. I feel obsession, ownership, and entitlement.
If I cheat on you (which I will, and have), it is because you’ve changed. You’re not the person I remember. It’s your fault. If I lie to you (which I will, and have), it’s because you’re too sensitive. If you point out my flaws (which you inevitably will), you deserve to be punished (unless, of course, I need something from you).
I am extremely bored by nature and need constant attention to feel alive. I chase this “high” with aggression and charm, draining the energy and goodness of others in order to satisfy my own bottomless pit. When you have nothing more to offer, I will discard you and blame it on you. I view the world as a competition ground for gratification. People around me are thus players in this metaphorical drama– players from whom my principal inclination is to take, cajole, exploit and manipulate whatever it is that will leave me, not them, in a more comfortable, satiated condition.
My ability to understand and manipulate others is how I get off. I don’t fall in love, I simply put on a costume. My character changes completely in order to satisfy the hopes and dreams of my victims. I mirror their personality, convincing them that they too have found their soul mate. But behind this facade is an empty, broken void. Unless you are showering me with admiration and attention, I resent you.
I love to announce my hatred of drama, while actively generating as much drama as I possibly can. I use my words to poison others, pathologically lying even when it isn’t necessary. In my mind, I am entitled to the gratification I seek– in whatever forms I presently seek it– even when it costs others a great deal of pain towards which, as I’ve established, I bring a disordered lack of empathy and concern.
I project my disorder on others. I will label you with my own flaws. Suddenly, you are hypocritical. You are crazy. You show a lack of care. You’re jealous. You’re too needy. To a normal human being, this notion is ridiculous, but to one of my victims, it is emotionally abusive and confusing, often leading them to the brink of insanity. I enjoy watching them suffer. My power and control over them is entertaining to say the least. Their emotions, suffering, and tears make them weaker than me.
Initially, others are charmed by my total absence of anxiety, extreme poise, calmness, and verbal facility. But behind this cool mask lies a master manipulator– always calculating, lying, and hurting. When my partners point out my flaws, I derail them by keeping them in a perpetual state of uncertainty. They don’t know what to do to please me. They constantly struggle to keep me from engaging in various misdeeds or abandoning them.
I transform daily life into a battlefield with occasional truces. I preserve the external appearance of being calm, collected and loving while periodically hinting that the perfect picture of the relationship you struggle so hard to preserve is highly precarious. Anything you might do”“or fail to do”“can destroy it. In reality, of course, nothing you do or refrain from doing meaningfully affects my behavior.
You strive to meet my expectations, while I constantly raise the bar. In a healthy relationship, expectations are reasonable, fair and balanced. Both partners strive to please each other and treat each other with mutual respect. But in a relationship with me– an abusive relationship– you will often lie to your friends and family (your only support system) about me in order to place me in a better light– the man you wish I was.
Being completely narcissistic, I won’t prioritize your needs unless they coincide perfectly with mine or cultivate your dependency on me. Consequently, I’m bound to discourage you from any pursuits that solidify your bonds with others or make you stronger, more successful and more independent. I will probably encourage you to move in with me extremely quickly. The less self-confidence and meaningful contact with others you have, the more I have you under my thumb and can mistreat you however I wish.
Moreover, if you dare complain that I don’t satisfy your basic emotional need for caring or communication, I’m likely to become dismissive, sarcastic, derisive or even aggressive. Everything and everyone should revolve around me.
If you tell me that you’re hurt by my actions– such as my constant lying and cheating– I’ll either deny that behavior (i.e., lie to you yet again) or minimize it by saying that you’re being hypersensitive or paranoid. I’ll argue that you misinterpreted the matter, or that you’re exaggerating, or that it’s just a misunderstanding, or that you’re being a drama queen.
I commonly use arbitrary reactions to establish dominance over others. If you can’t anticipate how I will react, then you’re always on edge, trying to figure out what to do or say to please me. In addition, if you care about my opinion, your moods and self-esteem will oscillate like a yo-yo, depending upon my approval or disapproval. I can keep my partners completely focused on my needs by toying with their emotions in this seemingly arbitrary fashion. This despotic behavior leads my partners to feel unhinged, anxious, depressed and powerless.
Above all, I am terrified of being alone, since I require the immediate attention of others in order to feel anything inside. Therefore, I have developed these manipulative strategies in order to hoodwink others into loving and caring for me. Once I have tricked them into this state, I see no reason why I should reciprocate any further. Why should I need to put in any effort past what it initially took to draw you in? I shouldn’t. Pay attention to me. Sympathize with my lies. And accept my inconsiderate, dishonest behavior, or I will discard you.
The reason I love the honeymoon stage is because I can stay in the Peter Pan, terminal boyhood stage where I don’t have to be responsible or accountable. I don’t want to deal with issues in the relationship. If any issues are brought up, I will be quick to dump them back on you and walk away. I love the romance, the attention, admiration, adoration, promise of ideal love and hope that I have found “the one” who will tolerate all of my questionable behavior without question. When my partner begins to question me, differ with me or make demands, my disorder escalates. I resort to my manipulation techniques to get you to stop bringing my issues to the forefront. The fact remains that I am a 20-year-old man with three past relationships, and yet I reflect the emotional maturity of a 10-year-old.
I don’t want to grow up and be held accountable. I am entitled to constant attention and admiration without having to invest anything more than the initial time it took to woo you. Once you have been wooed you should be hooked and I shouldn’t have to invest so much anymore. I’ve groomed you to be a constant source of admiration, attention, sex, affection, and nurturing.
Finally, the most important thing you need to know: I cannot change. I will never change. Psychopathy is an incurable disorder. The more I come to understand my own disorder, the more skilled I become at manipulating others. I recognize narcissistic signs in myself and I learn how to cover them up, so that it will take longer for others to spot me. My default response when confronted with the hurt feelings of others is, “I know, it’s something I’m working on.” But I am not. I can’t work on it. My brain is physically inferior to others, and I cannot teach myself to feel empathy.
It makes me angry when others point this out, since my greatest strategy is manipulation. I will smear their name, label them with problems, and call them crazy. Because when others come to understand what I am, my manipulation tactics don’t work. People expect the lies and they know the behavior will never change. My words, like poison, will keep driving you lower and lower until you finally break free and stop listening to them. Being my friend or boyfriend becomes an addiction. You strive to recreate the admiration and attention I once showered you with, but now give to others instead. This ultimately results in people coming back to me with kindness and attention, no matter how horribly I treated them.
If I feel threatened enough, I may invent a sob story from my past about child abuse, absent father, neglect, or rape (a story which probably holds some truth), confiding that you are the only person I’ve ever trusted with this information because we’re so close. Don’t be fooled. This is just a last-ditch effort to keep you under my control. Your sympathy will never change who I am. It is just another way for me to trick you. I cannot change.
Forgive me and move on. You may be pained by my abuse, but at least you can feel love again. I never will.
SK ~ How about a: SHE’s a sociopath letter
Since they are different from their male counterpart.