By O.N. Ward
Every week, a chapter of my book, “Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Lied, Why I Fell For It & The Painful Lessons Learned” (available via Amazon.com, just click on the title or book cover) will be published here on Lovefraud. To read prior chapters, please see the links at the bottom of the post.
Chapter 20: What Double Standard?
Blinding me even further to how emotionally vacant my relationship with Paul was becoming was the joy and exhaustion of motherhood. It was beyond anything I had ever experienced, anticipated, or imagined. My love for Jessica was so profound and deep, as if I had discovered a hidden, untapped well of joy inside me. Once Jessica was born, I knew I could not return to work full-time.
My unexpected shift in priorities wasn’t the only thing that nixed the possibility of returning to my firm. A new career opportunity for Paul added to the mix. Within two weeks of Jessica joining our family, Paul’s firm asked him to open an office in New York City. It was a huge compliment and reflected the high esteem in which the partners held Paul. His senior partner and mentor would be the lead partner in the office, and Paul would be his right-hand man. I resigned and became a full-time mom and logistics coordinator for our move back East.
The New York metropolitan area is exorbitantly expensive, so we bought a small house in a suburb that allowed Paul to commute into the city. He continued to work around the clock, often staying in the city overnight to establish the new office or travel to service his out-of-town clients. I did not mind. In fact, we got along better when Paul was away, because the white space in our relationship was less apparent when he was not there. When he was away, we spoke on the phone each evening. I updated him on Jessica and other issues. He rarely talked about work, other than telling me about his long hours, demanding senior partner, and how little sleep he was getting.
It was a happy time for me. Not only did I have Jessica and the excitement and fulfillment of watching my child grow and blossom, I found Renee, a wonderful woman to care for Jessica a few days a week. I used this time to launch a small advertising and public relations consulting service. It was perfect. I could work at 9:00 a.m. while Jessica was with Renee or at 9:00 p.m. after putting Jessica to bed.
With Paul rarely home, my odd working hours had almost no impact on our marriage. I booked between twenty and thirty hours a week, and because Jessica was asleep during at least half that time, it allowed me to be an almost full-time mom to her. Becoming close friends with several moms in the neighborhood who had children Jessica’s age came easily. My family was now only about a five-hour drive away, and Paul’s mom was only two hours away. While in Minneapolis, I had been running on fumes. Now I had a full tank of gas and was out cruising in a red convertible on a perpetually brilliant sunny day. Life was good. I felt lucky, successful, fulfilled, and even joyous at times.
Paul rarely informed me of his travel plans for work—just what day he’d be leaving, what day he’d be returning, and about what time. Business trip after business trip, he neglected to give me any specific information. He had a cell phone now. Why did I want to know what plane he was on or what city he was visiting or the hotel at which he would be staying? If I needed to get in touch with him for any reason, I could just call his cell and leave a message. He’d get back in touch with me when he could.
I trusted Paul. I certainly did not want to appear overbearing or controlling, as he accused me so often of being when I asked for specifics. I wanted to be a great wife who understood and supported the career demands of her superstar husband. Why should I care about what flight he was on or where he was staying as long as he came home safely? A colleague of his joked that he had never known any husband who was given such a “long leash.” This comment was a welcome reminder that I was not a controlling person. Yet, if my behavior suggested to others that, in fact, I was the opposite of controlling, why did Paul consistently accuse me of being controlling? I had no answers. It was just another nagging data point that refused to fit within my current framework. I would have to wait over a decade for a “light bulb moment” of resolution.
One night, I was expecting Paul home from a three-day business trip. At about 10 p.m., I was seconds from being finished with my work when I heard the door open.
“You’re home!” I called from my home office so Paul could hear me. “I’m just finishing up. I’ll be right there.”
Paul did not respond or pop into my office. Instead, I heard the television go on. I finished the last sentence I was writing, saved the file, and powered off my computer. No more than a minute or two later, I greeted Paul in the family room.
He scowled. “I’ve been away for three days, and you can’t even get up to say hi?”
As always, I stupidly went into defensive mode, explaining myself and assuming he had some valid reason to be upset with me instead of labeling his complaint as a setup to establish that I was somehow selfish and inconsiderate, when that was far from the truth.
“Paul, I didn’t know when to expect you home. Anyway, it’s great you’re here. How was your trip?”
“I can’t believe you didn’t even get up to say hi,” Paul repeated.
“Paul,” I replied with as caring a tone as I could muster, even though I was growing annoyed, “I was just finishing up. I don’t understand why it’s such a big deal. We’re talking about sixty seconds. You could’ve come in to see me. I just needed to finish the thought I was writing down. I didn’t want to lose it and—”
“It’s pretty disappointing after how hard I’m working for you so you can spend time with Jessica.”
I could not change Paul’s perception that I was being uncaring, inconsiderate, and unappreciative. The absurdity of Paul’s accusations in light of what had actually happened—that I did not immediately stop my work to jump up and see him when he could have easily walked into my office to say hello—penetrated me. What was really going on? My mind percolated. Did Paul view our relationship as so lopsided—he entitled to come and go as he pleased but me needing to be available to him the second he was ready to talk to me or wanted something from me, including to simply not be alone? I did not sleep well that night.
This was sociopath math in action. Yet, even when Paul’s behavior grew more extreme, it would take me years to label it as such. If it was not evident to me that in Paul’s mind he was allowed to change our wedding date, work on vacations and while I was in labor, be in the office all weekend, and stay in the city night after night, cancelling personal plan after personal plan for the sake of his career, but that I could not be busy or distracted the second he wanted something from me, a mis-delivered UPS package a month later made it unmistakably clear.
To accommodate a client deadline, I was expecting an overnight package on Friday with materials I needed to work on that day to prepare for a client conference call first thing Sunday morning. I had agreed to the weekend conference call to help my client, a business school friend, prepare for a last-minute but critically important Monday morning meeting. Ironically, over the weekend, Paul had promised not to work on Saturday so we could hang out, have some quality time together with Jessica, and then go out for a grown-up dinner—just the two of us. Paul rarely kept such promises. Still, I had scheduled Renee to stay with Jessica on Saturday evening so Paul and I could go out to dinner.
Unfortunately, the client’s assistant wrote down my address incorrectly. By the time UPS and I figured out where the package was, the best they could do was deliver it on Saturday morning. I told Paul what had happened and that I would need to work for about four hours during “our” Saturday together. I had no choice. It was either work on Saturday to meet the Sunday morning deadline or let down an important client and business school friend. As Paul had worked through vacations, weekends, evenings, and holidays—even through my labor pains—I naively expected mutual respect for my work demands.
Paul’s reaction caught me off-guard. “I can’t believe you’d do this! You’re going to ruin the time I took off for us to spend together?”
Nothing I said seemed to appease Paul. Our bed on Friday night felt icy cold. I got up early Saturday morning with Jessica. Paul slept in.
As soon as the materials arrived, I got to work so the project would not loom over the day. The plan had been to work on it on Friday when Jessica was with Renee. I asked Renee if she could come during the day on Saturday, but she could not. Nor could a few other baby sitters I called. With no one to watch Jessica while I worked, I hoped Paul could help. But when he finally got up, Paul crashed in front of the TV. Couldn’t I appreciate how tired he was after working so hard all week?
The assignment took longer than I had hoped, especially because I had to keep Jessica occupied as well. I felt horrible, putting in toddler movie after toddler movie to keep her distracted so I could get some work done. Finally, by midafternoon, I was finished. For dinner, I got dressed up—washed and styled my hair, put on makeup, a nice dress, and jewelry. Paul looked handsome. I was looking forward to some rare and much needed one-on-one time together.
“I can’t believe you worked today,” Paul said as soon as we pulled away in the car.
“Paul, I explained what happened,” I said. “I didn’t plan it to be this way. It was just a mix-up. The project should’ve been done by Friday, but the client made a mistake.”
“Still, the one time I put aside time to be together, and you work!”
“Paul, this happens to me all the time with your work demands. Cancelled plan after cancelled plan, and I just roll with it. I understand that things happen and clients and partners can be really demanding.”
“But you said it would take you about four hours, and it took a lot longer.”
“I did my best,” I said. “What was I supposed to do? And besides, I was distracted a lot because I had to watch Jessica.”
“So you’re saying it’s my fault,” Paul snapped.
“That’s not what I said. Can’t we just try to enjoy our dinner together?”
Paul sulked.
“I’m sorry,” I said, hoping Paul would reciprocate and apologize for his lack of support and understanding and that we could put the incident behind us and enjoy dinner.
But “I’m sorry” never crossed his lips. Sociopaths do not apologize, at least not in a sincere way. If someone made a mistake, it was not Paul. If he felt bad, someone else was to blame—me.
Puppeteer Paul was at it again, pulling strings and manipulating me into feeling apologetic and sorry for him when his behavior was selfish and unsupportive. Although I understand many of his techniques now, back then I was clueless. As a result, I was no more than a marionette, being controlled by the tug of twine or, more accurately, by a disapproving tone or look, by the withdrawal of attention or affection, or by just by the right choice of words.
Once we were at the restaurant, in view of other people, Paul acted like the perfect doting husband. I put on a brave face and went through the motions of enjoying a rare evening out. Inside though, like a flower deprived of sunlight and water, I was dying.
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Notes
Identifying names, places, events, characteristics, etc. that I discuss here and in my book have been altered to protect the identity of everyone involved.
She’s pregnant with his twins, and catches him in the act, having sex with another woman
Your last line…feeling like a flower deprived of sunlight and water…
‘Inside, I was dying’.
That is how it feels for we ‘normal’ feeling people.
SPs don’t care about that because their lives are merely illusions on the outside. They ARE dead on the inside.
O.N. Ward, all of your posts resonate, but this one, I really felt deeply. You have described so accurately, the confusion, the knowing something is very off, the dying inside. Add to that how great he looked, how wonderful other people think he is. It is like being Alice in the looking glass. Nothing is what it seems. I am so grateful that I made it through the wormhole. My heart aches for those still struggling to understand the insanity.
Donna, please know that every day your site is helping others to figure this out and the ones who have, to get stronger. O.N.Ward, your story is our story. It is my story. I am so grateful that I am not still lost in the swirl of narcissistic crazy, while I die a little each day. I am grateful for the freedom that knowledge and understand have given me. I am grateful that I am on what I call the “Freedom Path”. Although getting angry comes first, I had to let it go, accept, move on.
Life is good. Donna and O.N. Ward, I honor both of you for all your doing to help others dealing with this insanity. I thank you for helping me.
well said
DoneWiththat2 – thank you so much for your kind words. I am very glad that Lovefraud has helped you. It makes everything worthwhile.
Hi DoneWithThat2:
Thanks for your lovely comment.
I am so glad that sharing the confusion and pain I went through as well as the insights I gained has helped others struggling to put these controlling, eroding relationships behind them and feel whole again.
Best wishes,
O.N.WARD
“Their lives are merely illusions on the outside. They are dead on the inside.The confusion, the knowing something is very off. Add to that how great he looked, how wonderful other people think he is. It is like being Alice in the looking glass. Nothing is what it seems.” —the feeling of something sinking/dead weight in my stomach because of sudden changes (like what just happened). I used to think it is normal for some people and adjustments are necessary for relationships…
Glad to have stumbled upon the resources here.
So grateful for ONWard’s effort to share chapters from her book. I wouldn’t have discovered this [from the other side of the world] otherwise.
Dear O.N. Ward this chapter ticked so many of the sociopathic tactic boxes i.e.: manipulation, sulking, baiting you on your night out (Paul’s sadism relishing in watching you chase your tail. Leading you to believe that you think you are going to have a nice evening out and the pulling the rug out beneath you-intentionally). You were never going to have peace, you were being tortured. All the mascara, high heels, trying to be all things to all people wasn’t going to stop him from running your evening out. But the worse sociopathic tactic is that double standard. That gauls me. It’s all about them is right. The fight for them always begins when Johnny hits back.
That is SO true, becomingstrong.
You will not ever realize happiness nor joy around the P/SP. They will never allow for that.
They have to torture it out of you to punish you because they cannot feel those things.
You gave the example but didn’t quite say what was going on at the end… You were in public and performing your expected role, to make him look good, to be the Stepford wife. He did all that hammering attacking your self worth, no support, no empathy, no caretaking or concern for his daughter, and I know I was numb to what he was actually doing b/c I focused on trying to figure out a solution to what I was doing wrong, and having a hard time figuring out how to predict what I might do wrong… such as being so “demanding” that he help me with our daughter while I was in the process of having a miscarriage… with his response to walk out on me b/c I was being “difficult” and ya know what? I Agreed! That I was being selfish!! That the miscarriage was extremely painful and I was bleeding like a stuck pig was beside the point, totally ignored. My selfishness was what my ex hammered me about, that caretaking our daughter was MY JOB and NOT HIS and my asking him to give her dinner was a “DEMAND” and worthy of walking out on me to go be with his friends for the rest of the night b/c he needed to get over how “controlling” I was.
He would focus on my deficiencies all the way to an event or venue, and when we got there, in public, he was the ideal husband… the marriage that other women envied b/c my husband was so fun and complimented me without thinking, and those women constantly made passes at him, flirted with him, (and had affairs with him). Everyone wanted to be a part of him… which was further proof of why I was the “difficult” one and he was SO BELOVED.
Yet… I was miserable, b/c in front of everyone else… when he was so kind and gracious and funny and complimentary… just made me want to cry and cry and cry…
OMG.
That hurts so much. If your post hurts me, it must have destroyed you. I am so sorry NotWhatHeSaidofMe…so sorry that you went through all of that. This made me cry…and probably made others who have lived this, cry as well.
The worst thing…that absolute worst thing, is what you say in the last two paragraphs of your post. Everyone in the world does not see what you (we) see. They see the illusion that the disordered ones want them to see.
We live miserable lives, in private, behind closed doors. P/SPs only need up to keep up the illusion.
Bev
I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to cause you to cry; I only intended to express empathy and share my version of what O.N.Ward writes. We all share so many similar scenarios, the details are different but… the demand that we are to help them with their image (so they can scam others) while away from others view, we are subjected to such cutting, soul ripping taunts and hateful rants.
And yes, I was destroyed and freely admit I was a paranoid basketcase when I finally got away. Which is why Donna’s website was such a lifeline to me, that I wasn’t the only one and that there was healing and a life beyond… b/c also truthful, I got away but believed there was nothing to do but to die… I just wasn’t going to let him be the one to kill me. I want people to know, no matter how awful it is, if you WANT better, it is possible. But first, victims have to cut ALLLLLLL contact with the sociopath and anyone who knows the sociopath (b/c they are opportunistic predators and will use any opportunity to finish the job, complete destruction).
Oh no…please don’t be sorry. Crying can be good. I understand why you posted. It is why most of us post. To empathize with and help others.
I have been through it and it is awful.
So correct. NO CONTACT EVER. Even with those who would associate with the P/SP. Like you say, that opens the door for the P/SP to continue on with the job of destruction.
“the demand that we are to help them with their image (so they can scam others) while away from others view”
^I can relate. Now i realize why despite the toxicity he stayed.. They only want us to enhance their image because we are whole (beautiful on the outside/inside, educated, smart, charming, has social graces, decent, came from good family) -they dont love us but need us as crutches, at the same time hating us for all that we got? Im still trying to process the NPD mind.
I can so relate. In my case, when my ex psychopath and I were around others, he had already set me up to be irritable, angry, short tempered, in tears, etc, while he played the role of poor long suffering patient husband and me the nutcase unappreciative wife. It took me a long time to figure out what was going on; he had me spinning in circles constantly keeping me engaged in his sadistic games.
My ex did the same at the end, but he was losing his touch and overreached on his scams. One of our former neighbors recently stopped me in the street to apologize for believing his terrible stories about me, and described how he used to put on this big act using the kids as supporting actors. I told the neighbor I didn’t blame him a bit, since the ex was such a skilled con artist. I also mentioned that the reason no one in the neighborhood really knew me was because the ex wouldn’t allow me to socialize with anyone to make sure I didn’t interfere with his scams. The neighbor was a bit dumbfounded, and admitted that the ex had scammed him for several hundred dollars and scammed his sister and the church for several thousand dollars. It is a well-connected community, so once the church scam came to light the ex had to move on since none of the local churches would give him things anymore.
Need US…to keep up the illusion.
Sorry for the typo
Geez, you just described every guy I was ever involved with.
Hi Everyone,
I think it was also O.N. Ward who wrote about reading a book called ‘Fuel’. It is, WARNING, written by a narcissist. But I will say, and I am just about finished with it, that it gives the best explanation about WHY these types do what they do that I have come across. It is not well written, but it is very descriptive and easy to follow.
Paul likely needed more fuel, to ignite the flames of his ‘power’. According to the author of this book the BEST (and easiest) place to get this fuel is by creating a negative response from their most intimate partner.
I couldn’t listen to this guy on YouTube, but reading his book was tolerable.
If you are in a space where you just cannot wrap your head around WHY they do what they do, and you are feeling it is ‘about you’, I suggest reading this book. It is SO not personal. It is TOTALLY about them, every minute of every day….
Hi Everyone,
I am posting for the very first time ever, longtime reader and follower of this site. All of the many posts and articles, from so many of you has saved my life. I cannot thank you enough for the thoughts and messages and encouragement that I have read here on this site.
When I first found LF I was fresh out of my last Spath encounter and looking for answers, had already done the no contact thing, on my own, not realizing how important that was. It worked well for me in that situation. Now after so many years I am realizing that I have never had a romantic relationship that was not with a disordered person, I seem to attract them like flies to honey. Due to this unfortunate reality I have been a recluse and alone for 5 years now. Have experienced some of the most unbelievable pain in these relationships and will not ever do it again. I admire those of you who still find a loving relationship after your encounters. It is a horrible thing to look back at so many wasted years that I will never get back, those of you still in the relationships that are bad -I need to say get out now! It will not get better and you will not have those years back, just saying from experience.
Love to all of you….
OMgosh, Scrappy1. I so relate. Nearly every single relationship, even with women friends, was with a disordered person. For a time I had so much regret over this it was paralyzing. Truly. It took decades before I bottomed out, and nearly lost everything to a disordered person. Then I started to wake up.
To think we wasted so much time and energy with people who deserved NONE of it. I get that.
If I can, I would like to say what has become true for me. If it is helpful, then great. If not, and it really is just about me, then let it go.
What I found is that I was attracted to them, as well as them being attracted to me. So, it was a two-way street.
Why?
Well, in my case, I was SO dang co-dependent. I never really thought about me. It was like I just could not ever do enough for other people. I was the person who thought I could heal, fix, and stabilize any situation. Kind of narcissistic in and of itself, if you think about it.
The other interesting thing I learned about extreme co-dependency is that it has a basis in a lack of self love, self care, self esteem.
It is also something we learn from our family. As in my case. My mother is a narcissist and my step father (who I adore) is really co-dependent, and I ‘identified’ with him growing up.
So, on the flip side of the coin I was also very attracted to the bravado, and false superiority of some of these disordered people. They seemed to posses a level of self confidence and accomplishment that I really wanted for myself.
So, I would swing back and forth between adoration and then focusing on my friends and partner’s flaws; bending myself into pretzels helping them ‘get better’. Of course, I was the PERFECT supply of emotional energy for every vampire that came along. I was loyal, tireless, admiring of them, and willing to ‘help’ all the time. NO ONE was too effed up for me! I could ‘handle’ it.
Well, what this boiled down to was a couple of things. One was for me to stop being this way. Two was to fully comprehend narcissism and other personality disorders.
If we stop our behavior then at least we have disrupted part of the equation. We may not appear to be such perfect targets. If we understand who we have been involved with then the red flags, for future encounters, are more obvious and avoidable.
I started working on (at first just sort of by ‘pretending’) CARING about myself and my own life. I stopped going out of my way for other people who did not go out of their way for me. I just stopped. I really had no hobbies, nothing to do, no one to do it with. I was deeply sad, bored, anxious, and lost. But I knew I had to go through the ‘withdrawl’ of my own behavior, and replace it with something new.
This process was sloooooow.
My social circle grew very very small. Just a few true friends were left. I was pretty lonely for a pretty long time. Life was kind of boring. No drama. No one to dwell on. No romantic highs and lows. This went on for years.
But slowly I built a real life for myself. Slowly I found myself attracted to a new kind of person. I was engaging with solid, loving, reciprocal friendships, and then, finally, a husband. I found work with a really nice group of people (this took time). And, I found that being alone was really nice, I wasn’t so anxious and ‘yearning’ for someone or something ‘outside’ myself.
So, don’t despair. Sometimes it takes time to undo what has been done for so long.
I hope you journey continues to take you to the person you want to be….Slim
Slimone,
Your reply is spot on! That is me exactly and I am very aware of it, it is one thing to know that and another to know what to do about it, I am very carefully weeding people out of my life, very few left now and it is so lonely although I am okay with being alone. Had a feeling that this was going to be extremely difficult and you are so correct, in my life I always put myself last however it is a learned behavior. The biggest single contributor is my mother and still not sure if she is just Borderline or has additional disorders, used to think she had multiple personalities. Still not convinced that isn’t true, when Sybil comes out I definitely don’t need to be around that, my dad was so chauvinistic that its hard to tell if there was more. The golden child brother is definitely a full blown Spath, I have known this since we were very young, just did not have a word for it yet. He has made it his life’s work to bring me to my knees and with the blessing of my parents what was there to stop him? I am pushing 60 and still peeling the onion with all those layers of pain and deceit, it is often too much to bear and easier to hide away.
I must say that you have given me hope in knowing I am on the right path, thank you so much for that insight!
You are also correct in the fact that I am attracted to them and for just the reasons you mentioned, I hate myself for it. Again did not know how to change that, hoping that not choosing anyone is better than the pain. I know the warning signs so well by now that a few sentences is all I need to hear before suspicion rears its head.
I have learned so much from the dialog on this site and sometimes the posts are made for me at just the right time too. I have survived everything these horrible people threw at me but mostly I want to be in a place where they are not in my world and no longer a threat or an attraction. Obviously we cannot remove them altogether.
Thank you again for your comment, very encouraging.
Scrappy