Dear Ms. Abedin,
People are perplexed. Your husband, Anthony Weiner, has humiliated you again. Yet at a press conference last week, you continued to support him, and his candidacy for mayor of New York City. “I love him. I have forgiven him. I believe in him,” you said.
Why would you do this? Speculation by media pundits, New York City voters and average citizens usually follows three themes:
- You want to keep your family together at all costs.
- You believe you can help your husband overcome his problems.
- You are a political animal and will do anything to get your husband elected.
Read: Why does Huma Abedin put up with Weiner?, on CNN.com.
I don’t know you personally, and what I know of your situation comes only from watching you and Weiner in televised interviews and from media reports. But what I see and read is uncomfortably familiar, so I think there is another explanation for your actions.
Your humiliation
Anthony Weiner was once a congressman from New York. But in 2011, less than a year into your marriage, he sent a photo of his crotch to his 45,000 Twitter followers. It was a mistake, because he meant to send it to a woman with whom he was having an online affair—while you were pregnant with his child. First he claimed his Twitter account was hacked. He finally had no choice but to admit the truth—it was him. He did it. Weiner resigned in disgrace from Congress on June 16, 2011
Then, he did it again.
Last week, Sydney Leathers, a young woman from Indiana revealed that she had an online affair with Weiner. According to TheDirty.com, Leathers first started talking to him in July 2012 after he resigned from Congress, after you had forgiven him and after he sought therapy. By August your husband was having regular phone sex with the girl—telling her that he loved her and would buy her a condo in Chicago. By November 2012, the relationship “began to fizzle out.”
Leathers wasn’t the only one. At another press conference last week, Weiner admitted he sexted three women after he resigned from Congress. Why would he behave in a manner that is not only disrespectful to you and your marriage, but downright stupid?
Ms. Abedin, your husband has a problem that won’t be solved by therapy. He has a personality disorder. He is a sociopath.
Sociopathic behavior
If you’re like most people, you may think that a sociopath is a serial killer. This is occasionally true, but in reality, most sociopaths never kill anyone.
Sociopaths have enormous egos, inflated self-esteem and an unbelievable sense of entitlement. They are smooth talkers, and prolific liars. They are sexually promiscuous. They are aggressive, impulsive, reckless, and when caught behaving badly, defiant. Does this sound familiar?
Sociopaths blame others for everything, including their own bad behavior. Your husband did, after all, blame his sexting on “a rough time” in your marriage. In other words, it was your fault that he was forced to seek companionship elsewhere. This is, I assure you, typical sociopathic justification.
You are the perfect target
You may think that the people who are exploited by sociopaths get in trouble because they aren’t very smart or suffer from low self-esteem. Again, this is occasionally true. But research by Dr. Liane Leedom shows that women who love sociopaths share three distinctive traits:
1. Extraversion. Extraverted women are competitive, outgoing, action-oriented, curious, ambitious, excitement-seeking and sometimes impulsive. They like men who have the same qualities.
2. Invested in relationships. Personal relationships are very important, and the source of great satisfaction. These women are sentimental and attach deeply to the people they care about.
3. Cooperativeness. Cooperative women are empathetic, tolerant and value getting along with others. They are willing to compromise their own interests for the big picture including the ambitions of their mates.
Again, I don’t know you personally, but from what I’ve read, I’ll bet that these traits describe you.
The seduction
Sociopaths are exploiters. They look for people who have something that they want. You certainly had plenty that a man with unbridled political ambition would want. Not only are you smart and beautiful, but as an important assistant to Hillary Clinton, you have access to power. Real power.
Once Anthony Weiner set his sights on you, he probably followed the sociopathic playbook to win you. Typically they engage in love bombing showering you with attention and affection, wanting to be with you all the time, engaging in over-the-top displays of devotion.
Maureen Dowd reported, “Weiner wooed Huma assiduously, showing up at the Westchester airport in the wee hours to pick her up when she came back from trips with Hillary.”
I imagine that Weiner also painted a glowing picture of your future together, how successful the two of you would be, and all the wonderful things he could do for the public, with you at his side. I heard a similar story from my sociopathic ex-husband.
Here’s one of the most insidious ways in which sociopaths snag you: They find out what your dreams are, and then promise to make them come true. Except they can’t, and eventually it all comes crashing down.
Asking for forgiveness
After the first sexting scandal, I assume your husband put on quite a show of sorrow and remorse. He probably apologized profusely, perhaps with tears rolling down his cheeks. He had some plausible but lame excuse maybe the fact that you were pregnant. He promised to seek therapy. He swore he would never do it again.
You, being your own woman, were furious. But as a woman invested in relationships, and with a child on the way, you probably felt like the right thing to do was believe that your husband would keep his word and stay in your marriage. You worked through your anger for the good of your family, and for both of your careers.
While my ex-husband was burning through all of my cash and credit pursuing his dreams of entrepreneurial success, I asked myself, “What kind of wife leaves her husband because his business plans aren’t working out?” So perhaps you asked yourself, “What kind of wife leaves her husband because of stupid texts?”
The texts are not the problem, they are a symptom of the problem. The real problem Anthony Weiner’s personality disorder cannot be solved.
Trust is gone
I imagine that by now, your trust in Anthony Weiner is gone. As it should be.
I imagine that Anthony Weiner pressured you into appearing at that press conference with him. (By the way, Jim McGreevey did the same thing to his wife, Dina, when he gave his “I am a gay American” speech. McGreevey is not gay. He is also a sociopath.)
I imagine that once again, Anthony Weiner is doing everything he can to make sure you don’t leave him. He is displaying over-the-top love and affection. He is begging your forgiveness. He is promising that with you at his side, he will be elected, and then the two of you will do so much to make life better for the citizens of New York City. He is appealing for your help to overcome his character flaws.
Ms. Abedin, there is no rehabilitation for a sociopath. Your husband will never be honest, forthright, caring and monogamous.
I am so sorry for the embarrassment you have suffered. I hope this information helps you to decide what is best for you to do now.
No mention that this is culturally acceptable Muslim behvior for a man and a wife is taught to expect it and accept it.
This is not true. Islam is as good (or as bad!) as Christianity so please stop posting ignorant comment and read something about the history of Christianity and Islam. In their darkest ages, Muslims never thought about manufacturing “Chastity Belts” to keep their wives from having sex with their neighbors.
If we judge by what is going on in the “Christian” political arena, your comment makes more sense if you substitute the word Christian in place of Muslim but Wiener’s behavior (and his wife’s reaction to it) has nothing to do with religion.
Agreed…my first husband, of 13 years, a sweet Muslim man, would NEVER have behaved this way. Neither would his friends, or the men in his family.
That Muslim men are egotistical, misogynistic, cheaters is a naive stereotype.
Thank you for clarifying one of the many stereotypical misconceptions. A man or a woman has the same desire to be respected and treated with dignity but they do override this fundamental human characteristic when their minds are clouded by their emotions. This is where psychopaths or sociopaths (I prefer to use the word psychopath as defined by Dr. Hare) turn the loving and innocent into tools for satisfying their wicked desires and sick personalities. That is the real issue. No culture or religion condones such abuse. To say otherwise is to hide our heads in the sand.
What troubles me about Weiner is that he has sent photos of himself to people who did not request them and by subsequent comments, did not want them.
This isn’t sexting. This is exhibitionism. Exhibitionism is sometimes, not always, a gateway behavior to rape.
I am baffled that hasn’t been pointed out in the press.
She’s hard to read. She could be a victim, or she’s just as messed up as he is, on a different scale. If she’s standing by him in a quest for her own power, then she’s going to be doing this over and over again. Once a narcissist knows that they can get away with something, especially with virtually no consequences, it’s a green light for them.
Wow. I’ve been thinking this for days, that Weiner is a sociopath. I knew I was right. Been reading Lovefraud long enough to be able to pick them out! Had no idea mcgreevy wans’t gay and was just a sociopath though…..great heads up article. I feel saddened for her, but the best thing she can do now is GTFO with that baby of hers and leave him flat on his ass!
Huma Abedin is not only married to the man – she also married his political career. Political wives have roles they are expected to play, regardless of what side of the aisle or what ideology their spouses embrace. There have been so many of these “stand by your man” appearances by spouses at press conferences in recent years – the only one who hasn’t is Mark “Hiking the Appalachian Trail” Sanford’s wife, who later kicked him to the curb and filed for divorce. It’s what these ladies do, until they decide they can’t do it anymore.
Coming from the same political bent as the Weiners are, I can say without any reservations that he was an outstanding congressman and represented his constituency and the country admirably. That’s what was so utterly confusing about personal life to me, and probably to her as well. I definitely did see Human Abedin as a victim the first time he got busted. I forgave him for his indiscretions and wished him well. I wasn’t even certain that that photo and the resulting scandal merited his resignation because it had nothing to do with his professional life. Now I don’t have any doubts. He doesn’t belong in office, and I don’t think his wife would consider herself a victim. She made choices, knowing what she knew, and she still stands by him politically.
What a wonderful open letter with great points. My additional thoughts to those well written already are related to working on the self as the woman and the Mother of the child. When evaluating what can I do about such a situation as this- that Huma finds herself now in- Ask the question in this way- I know my husband is sick- that is for certain. SO, what is wrong with me that I would have chosen to be with such a sick person? THIS HARD BUT HUGE QUESTION PROMPTS one to work on yourself to gain that answer and heal your heart and soul, that GIFT of healing yourself is the best one for you and your child. Spend the energy and healing path work on you and your life- the only one you can control and change. I promise that therapy WORK- AND IT WILL BE HARD WORK- will bring you much happiness for you and your son.
^ Why should “She” work on herself? Mr. Penis should work on himself…why should it be looked on as “her therapy” to work on herself? We as women just need to watch out for creeper’s like him! Just have a heads up when somebody is love bombing you….ask yourself, “Why is this person so nice?” Why is it my fault as a women that picked such a jerk? I say, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and learn from that mistake…or try to
If we assume that Huma is a victim she has a long and hard road ahead of herself to regain her self esteem, herself. That doesn’t happen over night. Even if she acts like she is in control, eventually the damage, the hurt, the pain will come down on her like a ton of bricks.
Therapy is not a painless magic bullet.
If we accept that Anthony is a sociopath no amount of work, nothing will actually help him, although he could probably fake it for a while.
Ellen, I don’t know how long you were a target or how much you lost. I was married to the latespath for 33 years (divorce was not an option for safety reasons)and knew him for 47. Financial damage close to 2 million dollars, none of it his money. In the last week of his life he out and out stole between $150,000.00 and $200,000.00 worth of irreplaceable jewelry-none of which he bought. His behavior destroyed 4 generations of my family.
He stole my life, at the beginning-no, but from 1986 to today. No way to get those decades back or forget they existed. I am no longer 30, I am almost 60. Love bombing never happened; he was just what I believed a safe choice, very smart, neighborhood guy. That all started to change when he was 25.
There is no way to ‘brush it off’ and start again. It’s hard some days to just ‘brush off’ the covers and get out of bed.
I agree that it is much more complicated than just picking up and moving on. She needs to work on herself to see why she was susceptible in the first place, in the very least. I don’t think many people question nice behavior, especially if it’s done in a way that fits the needs of the recipient. That’s what con artists do so well. And what may seem obvious to others, is not as clear when your standing in the middle of it and your life has been turned upside down. No matter what happens, she has been hurt, lied to, publicly humiliated, and has to deal with this man for the rest of her life because of their son. It isn’t her fault that she was targeted, but just as Lost commented, therapy won’t help him, but it will make her stronger than him, and then she can pick herself up and learn from her experience- hopefully.
Dear Huma,
How much humiliation can you take? will you take? I know, I’ve been there, but suffered humiliation in a very different way – little of it public. Please get out, and get healthy. You don’t deserve this. If politics is what you like- you can do it yourself. Personally, I think Hillary Clinton would’ve had a lot better chance at becoming President if she had dumped Bill. He also humiliated her. You, Hillary, ANY woman will be seen so much more favorably for standing up to these dirt bags. He is a scumball. And even more, he can’t stop.
He pretends to be the victim. Remember how he lied in the beginning. He said his account was hacked. LIE. He is addicted to internet sex. He is a coward, a liar, a weak weak man.
Dump him. You are better than this.
Donna – you nailed it. Big Fat Huge Spath.
There is a very plausible explanation for why Huma is sticking to her man. She’s caught in the toxic glue of a betrayal bond.
Unfortunately, the unmasking of her husband’s foibles came about as hormones were heightened in her body during pregnancy. Folks who encounter betrayal can easily become addicted to the perpetrator as the neurotransmitters that provide trust and pleasure grind to an abrupt halt. Shocking emotional pain can produce this result and make the victim addicted to the person they should be running away from. Having this happen during pregnancy exacerbates the problem.
Just as an alcoholic strives to recreate the chemical balance that numbs their pain, betrayal bond sufferers will hold onto the means that created their brain’s internal “pleasure” chemistry. It’s not something that she is likely to be consciously aware of, but driven by none-the-less.
She needs a therapist who is familiar with betrayal bonding in order to break the addiction. Or one day, an even more brutal or devastating blow may force her to face reality.
Psychopaths don’t pick on other psychopaths. They go after people who have the “trust and forgiveness molecule”. It’s the neurotransmitter oxytocin and it’s lacking in psychopaths. That’s what makes US human and why we think of THEM as the lowest form of life in the animal kingdom.
While we might think our emotions are simply manifested by our experiences, they are molded to a great degree by our brain chemistry. Huma’s is very broken right now. Betrayal bonds can start in an instant and may never go away. She will find herself caught in a vortex between loving and being repulsed by this man and it will be very difficult for her to maintain any trust or a sense of normalcy with him. Without help, however, she may not become capable of walking away.
jm_short,
Great post, explaining why Huma is unable to break free of her husband. I feel badly for her, knowing that her husband’s behavior has been very hurtful, confusing, etc. Hopefully, she can find the strength to do what’s right for herself.
I imagine the reason Huma does not choose to leave her husband is the same reason many of us took so long… she does not yet understand the magnitude of his behavior and what it means.
I know when my exhusband first seemed out of character, I made excuses. I wasn’t perfect, I had times of thoughtlessness, of being shorttempered. (although I didn’t blame others when I was out of sorts, I was accountable.)In fact, as bad as things got, and devolved into a nightmare, I did not truly see my husband with mask fully off until near “the end” of our marriage (I quote the end b/c I found out there was NO beginning, it was a fraud from day one!) Until then, I was ambivelent, thinking I married for better or for worse and that even thinking about ending my marriage was the cowards way out.
Or…. since Huma plays in political circles, maybe she’s just another political animal in the game of exploitation and using others. I hope that’s not the case, but I can’t rule it out. Washington seems to have that effect on people, turning them into the souless.
P.s. Great Letter Donna, tough but compassionate. I hope SOMEBODY reads it to her.