Dear Ms. Abedin,
People are perplexed. Your husband, Anthony Weiner, has humiliated you again. Yet at a press conference last week, you continued to support him, and his candidacy for mayor of New York City. “I love him. I have forgiven him. I believe in him,” you said.
Why would you do this? Speculation by media pundits, New York City voters and average citizens usually follows three themes:
- You want to keep your family together at all costs.
- You believe you can help your husband overcome his problems.
- You are a political animal and will do anything to get your husband elected.
Read: Why does Huma Abedin put up with Weiner?, on CNN.com.
I don’t know you personally, and what I know of your situation comes only from watching you and Weiner in televised interviews and from media reports. But what I see and read is uncomfortably familiar, so I think there is another explanation for your actions.
Your humiliation
Anthony Weiner was once a congressman from New York. But in 2011, less than a year into your marriage, he sent a photo of his crotch to his 45,000 Twitter followers. It was a mistake, because he meant to send it to a woman with whom he was having an online affair—while you were pregnant with his child. First he claimed his Twitter account was hacked. He finally had no choice but to admit the truth—it was him. He did it. Weiner resigned in disgrace from Congress on June 16, 2011
Then, he did it again.
Last week, Sydney Leathers, a young woman from Indiana revealed that she had an online affair with Weiner. According to TheDirty.com, Leathers first started talking to him in July 2012 after he resigned from Congress, after you had forgiven him and after he sought therapy. By August your husband was having regular phone sex with the girl—telling her that he loved her and would buy her a condo in Chicago. By November 2012, the relationship “began to fizzle out.”
Leathers wasn’t the only one. At another press conference last week, Weiner admitted he sexted three women after he resigned from Congress. Why would he behave in a manner that is not only disrespectful to you and your marriage, but downright stupid?
Ms. Abedin, your husband has a problem that won’t be solved by therapy. He has a personality disorder. He is a sociopath.
Sociopathic behavior
If you’re like most people, you may think that a sociopath is a serial killer. This is occasionally true, but in reality, most sociopaths never kill anyone.
Sociopaths have enormous egos, inflated self-esteem and an unbelievable sense of entitlement. They are smooth talkers, and prolific liars. They are sexually promiscuous. They are aggressive, impulsive, reckless, and when caught behaving badly, defiant. Does this sound familiar?
Sociopaths blame others for everything, including their own bad behavior. Your husband did, after all, blame his sexting on “a rough time” in your marriage. In other words, it was your fault that he was forced to seek companionship elsewhere. This is, I assure you, typical sociopathic justification.
You are the perfect target
You may think that the people who are exploited by sociopaths get in trouble because they aren’t very smart or suffer from low self-esteem. Again, this is occasionally true. But research by Dr. Liane Leedom shows that women who love sociopaths share three distinctive traits:
1. Extraversion. Extraverted women are competitive, outgoing, action-oriented, curious, ambitious, excitement-seeking and sometimes impulsive. They like men who have the same qualities.
2. Invested in relationships. Personal relationships are very important, and the source of great satisfaction. These women are sentimental and attach deeply to the people they care about.
3. Cooperativeness. Cooperative women are empathetic, tolerant and value getting along with others. They are willing to compromise their own interests for the big picture including the ambitions of their mates.
Again, I don’t know you personally, but from what I’ve read, I’ll bet that these traits describe you.
The seduction
Sociopaths are exploiters. They look for people who have something that they want. You certainly had plenty that a man with unbridled political ambition would want. Not only are you smart and beautiful, but as an important assistant to Hillary Clinton, you have access to power. Real power.
Once Anthony Weiner set his sights on you, he probably followed the sociopathic playbook to win you. Typically they engage in love bombing showering you with attention and affection, wanting to be with you all the time, engaging in over-the-top displays of devotion.
Maureen Dowd reported, “Weiner wooed Huma assiduously, showing up at the Westchester airport in the wee hours to pick her up when she came back from trips with Hillary.”
I imagine that Weiner also painted a glowing picture of your future together, how successful the two of you would be, and all the wonderful things he could do for the public, with you at his side. I heard a similar story from my sociopathic ex-husband.
Here’s one of the most insidious ways in which sociopaths snag you: They find out what your dreams are, and then promise to make them come true. Except they can’t, and eventually it all comes crashing down.
Asking for forgiveness
After the first sexting scandal, I assume your husband put on quite a show of sorrow and remorse. He probably apologized profusely, perhaps with tears rolling down his cheeks. He had some plausible but lame excuse maybe the fact that you were pregnant. He promised to seek therapy. He swore he would never do it again.
You, being your own woman, were furious. But as a woman invested in relationships, and with a child on the way, you probably felt like the right thing to do was believe that your husband would keep his word and stay in your marriage. You worked through your anger for the good of your family, and for both of your careers.
While my ex-husband was burning through all of my cash and credit pursuing his dreams of entrepreneurial success, I asked myself, “What kind of wife leaves her husband because his business plans aren’t working out?” So perhaps you asked yourself, “What kind of wife leaves her husband because of stupid texts?”
The texts are not the problem, they are a symptom of the problem. The real problem Anthony Weiner’s personality disorder cannot be solved.
Trust is gone
I imagine that by now, your trust in Anthony Weiner is gone. As it should be.
I imagine that Anthony Weiner pressured you into appearing at that press conference with him. (By the way, Jim McGreevey did the same thing to his wife, Dina, when he gave his “I am a gay American” speech. McGreevey is not gay. He is also a sociopath.)
I imagine that once again, Anthony Weiner is doing everything he can to make sure you don’t leave him. He is displaying over-the-top love and affection. He is begging your forgiveness. He is promising that with you at his side, he will be elected, and then the two of you will do so much to make life better for the citizens of New York City. He is appealing for your help to overcome his character flaws.
Ms. Abedin, there is no rehabilitation for a sociopath. Your husband will never be honest, forthright, caring and monogamous.
I am so sorry for the embarrassment you have suffered. I hope this information helps you to decide what is best for you to do now.
I am reading and identifying with so much of what has been shared under this post. DawnG spoke of Huma’s marriage to “the politician”. The glue that kept my marriage together was my husband’s contribution as “the theologian”. Just as Weiner has something to contribute politically, my husband has something of theological significance to give. I believed, and still believe, in my husband’s message as it pertains to the science of religion (Christian doctrine). Just because a person is a sociopath, doesn’t mean that they are devoid of talent, devoid of creativity, or lacking in ability. It saddens me that the piece of Christian theology he could have contributed was buried by a severe character disorder. Does my husband have true religious convictions? Does Weiner have true political convictions? Or do they just know how to play the game. I know that as his wife, I was committed to clarifying Christian doctrine even as Huma is probably deadly earnest concerning politics. Leaving my husband meant that i would decrease his credibility as a Bible teacher. If Huma leaves, her husband’s credibility as a politician will suffer. Neither of us wants to hinder our respective messages.
Ultimately, the wives don’t save or destroy the husbands’ work. They are all to eager to self-destruct and the responsibility lies with them.
I am not convinced that Weiner is a Sociopath. A Narcissist — yes. Prone to compulsive behavior — yes. Unfit for public service — yes.
Keep in mind that Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a Cluster-B PD just as Sociopathy, or Anti-Social PD if you prefer. Anyone with any Cluster-B Disorder is toxic and at certain times, distinguishing between PDs can be very difficult, even for professional having personal contact with the individual.
My belief that Weiner is not a Sociopath is primarily based upon his lack of anger and other personality traits. For example compare Weiner to Lance Armstrong, who has a second career as Sociopathy’s poster boy. Armstrong lashes out at all accusers with a taken no prisoners style. He lies, cheats, manipulates and is prone to odd actions when he looses control.
Other than perhaps manipulating his wife, and relatively benign lies to cover his behavior, I see no other overt Sociopathic traits in Weiner.
All sociopaths are superficially charming but their charm is unique — engaging but cold. In fact, the best description I ever read about a Socioapth is that they are “charming, but with an overall cold demeanor.” Since this description fit my x-spath to the letter, perhaps I place too much emphasis on its validity, but this description also fits Lance Armstrong but does not fit Weiner.
In addition, Weiner does not seem to attack accusers and has not demonstrated any odd outbursts. Compare him to Newt Gingrich — http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/01/21/republican-debate-why-newt-gingrich-s-performance-should-disqualify-him.html
I fail to see the benefit in labeling specifics from a layman’s perspective. The umbrella of Antisocial Personality Disorder covers multiple dysfunctionally cruel people, but is not determinable without specific testing.
Not all Sociopaths or Psychopaths exude a coolness. They exude whatever will enable them to cozy up to their victim. The difference between Sociopathy and Psychopathy has more to do with the origination of the condition than its affect. My ex could be very warm and engaging. His Psychiatrist labelled him a Psychopath.
I see Weiner’s behavior toward his wife as far more than manipulation, although he does succeed in manipulating her. It was betrayal. While she may not feel it (yet), there is far more to her story, and why she fails to do so, than what we are capable of analyzing.
Narcissists throw others under the bus to make themselves look good. Self aggrandizement is what they’re after at any cost. I fail to see Weiner’s “sexting” as self aggrandizement. In fact, I see it as just the opposite; acts that I think he believed would never become public.
He seems to have fetishes that are testosterone driven and no boundaries which reflect a lack of oxytocin. If we’re giving out labels, he exhibits two motivators that stick him in the Sociopath/Psychopath category.
But the debate is kind of on the order of whether the person was run over by an elephant or a mammoth. Either way, they got crushed.
JmS
So typical a sociopath to use one lame excuse for another. He twittered his gonads, and explains they where meant for the women he was messing around with. Which is the lesser evil. Sociopaths cannot distinguish. That’s the hard lesson I learned in life.
Website for network ABC New York just post a story about Weiner and sexting: “I’ve been stunned at how some people have been very mean to Huma and the idea she’s being criticized for working hard to keep this marriage together and being kind to me. She’s a decent person. She did nothing wrong. She didn’t deserve any of this,” Weiner said. http://abclocal.go.com/wabc/story?section=news/politics&id=9193748
I really liked this passage, it shows, while ostensibly feeling pity for the ‘poor’ treatment of Huma by the ‘people’, he is also saying that he realizes that the ‘public’ is openly criticizing her for staying loyal to him. Is he afraid she will eventually see the reality, and agree with the ‘people’?
He, as well, uses the statement to focus in the things Huma is doing; working hard to keep the marriage, being nice to him. He says nothing in this message as to what he is doing for her.
While saying nothing about himself, he does say ‘she did nothing wrong’. To the best of our knowledge, she is not sexting. If she was doing/had done something that was politically damaging, his opponents or allies, democrat, republican,liberal,conservative(yes NYS has an active and strong Conservative Party, it endorsed Lhota)would have found and either exposed it or damaged controlled it, by now.
I know all about spath ‘tweak speak’. The latespath always blamed me in his posts, emails, texts, for his life in the escorting world. He said I was the one that chose not to have sex with him (true), he also said it was for a few years not the 22 (1986) it actually was. He never once said why I made that choice. Just one example. As ‘homework’. my therapist has me dissect many of the latespath’s writings. Much of what he wrote is true, but incomplete, tweeked just enough. Read by the escorting world they say one thing; read by the real world, those same words say something very different. When ask what he did for a living by the escorting world his response was “gainfully unemployed”; what he was actually saying was ‘I don’t work, I steal and hide it very well’.
Like the actions of the latespath, Mr Weiner your behavior put her in the position she is in now; just like the latespath did to me.
People outside the NYC area may find this interesting. Eliot Spitzer is the former governor of NY forced to resign over an escorting scandal and currently running for controller of NYC.
Fellow candidates: El, no, we don’t cheat
By SALLY GOLDENBERG and YOAV GONEN
Last Updated: 3:25 AM, August 3, 2013
Posted: 1:50 AM, August 3, 2013
Eliot Spitzer seems to be the only major candidate in New York City who can’t say no.
None of the mayoral hopefuls polled by The Post yesterday hesitated when asked, “Do you have a girlfriend?”
“No way! I’ve been happily married to Lorraine for 40 years,” exclaimed long-shot Democratic contender Sal Albanese.
Public Advocate Bill de Blasio joked, “Yes, her name is Chirlane,” referring to wife Chirlane McCray, who is featured prominently in his campaign.
Republican candidate George McDonald quipped, “Call me old-fashioned. I don’t tweet naked pics of myself, have a girlfriend or engage in human trafficking,” a clear dig at candidate Anthony Weiner, whose campaign is coming undone by further revelations that he sexted and shared naked pictures with online girlfriends.
Weiner, married to longtime Hillary Rodham Clinton aide Huma Abedin, simply replied, “No,” when asked if he has a girlfriend.
Democratic Comptroller John Liu, who is running for mayor, answered through spokeswoman Sharon Lee, “Unequivocally, no. John and Jenny Liu have been proudly married for 18 years and she is the bedrock of their beautiful family.”
Republican Joe Lhota and Democrat Bill Thompson, two other mayoral candidates, replied, “No.”
Lhota’s rival, GOP candidate John Catsimatidis, said, “Yes, my wife Margo.”
City Council Speaker Christine Quinn, who wed longtime partner Kim Catullo last year after New York state legalized gay marriage, responded, “No. I am happily married to the love of my life.”
Independence Party contender Adolfo Carrion said he’s in the same happy boat.
“I’ve had a girlfriend for the last 20 years. She also happens to be my wife,” he said.
Spitzer’s Democratic opponent in the city comptroller’s race, Scott Stringer, said through a representative that he’s faithful to his wife, Elyse Buxbaum.
“No, he has a wife,” spokeswoman Audrey Gelman told The Post.
Stringer and his wife have two young sons Max, 19 months, and Miles, 10 weeks.
Thursday, Spitzer, who is married to but living apart from Silda Wall Spitzer, would not definitively say whether he has a girlfriend when pressed during a campaign stop in Brooklyn.
The Post reported last week that his wife plans to file for divorce later this year, which Spitzer has not denied.
In an interview to be aired tonight on WPIX-11 news, Spitzer tells “Closeup” host Marvin Scott that he’s not answering the girlfriend question “because we will not respond to every rumor and scandalous innuendo that is circulated out there.”
See, Eliot, it’s not that difficult a question to answer:
Q: “DO YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?”
Anthony Weiner: “No.”
Bill de Blasio: “Yes, her name is Chirlane” (his wife).
Bill Thompson: “No.”
George McDonald: “Call me old-fashioned. I don’t tweet naked pics of myself, have a girlfriend or engage in human trafficking.”
Adolfo Carrion: “I’vehadagirlfriend for the last 20 years. She also happens to bemywife.”
John Liu: (through a spokeswoman): “Unequivocally, no. John and JennyLiu have been proudly married for 18 years and she is the bedrock of their beautiful family.”
Christine Quinn: “No. I amhappily married to the love of my life.”
Sal Albanese: “No way! I’ve been happily married to Lorraine for 40 years.”
John Catsimatidis: “Yes, my wife Margo.”
Joe Lhota: “No.”
http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/fellow_candidates_el_no_we_don_cheat_xMhRaNIgzofURiybacc9FM
Spitzer is another confusing character. He spent his earlier years doggedly fighting crime on Wall St and was probably one of the most despised and feared men in New York because he was such a champion of justice. Then he obtained higher office and was exposed as a complete douche in his private life. Impulsive, reckless, and stupid.
It’s tough to grasp the mentality of people like Spitzer and Weiner, and even Bill Clinton. They were utter failures as husbands yet perform admirably in their professions. It’s especially confusing when one understands that their political party’s platform rests on empathy for the less fortunate, and all of these men seems to have genuinely worked towards achieving those goals.
Guess nobody told “the Spitz” the old adage:
“Me thinks thou doth protest too much.”
JmS
Huma Abedin is cast right out of vogue magazine I wonder had she a belly, hair loss like myself if she would have even got near him. To me this is the indicative narcissism that can be seen in Washington today.
Hi burning,
I agree, the picture of a wife in a mess her husband put her in, makes her seem oblivious, aloof. Why not a ‘current, everyday’ picture.
Forget about physical attributes, I would have not had enough confidence to pose for photo like that since very early 1991.
No cosmetician, hair stylist, or wardrobe master/mistress would have helped; nor would the addition of a master photographer with a superior knowledge of photo-shop.
The first thing a sociopath attacks is their victims’ self confidence. A person full of self doubt, in my opinion, could never do a photo spread that looks so perfect.
If you wanted to see photos of the other potential first ladies of NYC here is a link: http://www.cityandstateny.com/the-return-of-the-first-lady/
These, obviously, are all posed shots, not candids. It’s a study in contrasts between Huma and all the rest. None of these gals could ever be confused with the cover of a romance novel, nor should they.
I’m afraid I don’t quite see the connection here. That Vogue picture was posed way back in 2007, as the caption states. Huma Abedin wasn’t even married to Weiner until 2010. Here’s the original Vogue article from August 1, 2007, long before any of this trouble ever blew up. They had no reason to portray her as any kind of “victim”; in fact, they called her
Hillary’s Secret Weapon: Huma Abedin
My point exactly, Why use this picture. This is not the picture of a victim. Why use it with a story about a ‘possible’ victim.
If you want to show her before as a strong individual, great but show her today as well.
Don’t use a before picture when addressing the disaster she is living.
Try enlarging the Abedin photo in your browser and see, she’s so thin, she looks like a little girl, not a woman!
This was a very interesting article which brings me to write and request assistance. I have an eye issue and am seeing an eye doctor that specializes in his field. He is well thought of and I really like him. He and I have bantered back and forth for a year with flirting, talking about life, family, etc. Well, I finally got the nerve up to ask him out and he accepted. We had a really nice afternoon/evening and it was innocent. We did not talk for a week only until my next appointment. I asked him how he was feeling about our doctor/patient relationship and he ‘dissed’ me, would not answer any of my questions and since then he has been extremely distant, abrupt and nearly rude.
I know that I did not do anything consciously to jeopardize him in any way – professionally and personally. But with my lousy track record in picking men……is he another nut-bag sociopath? I want to make right decisions, but I am constantly second guessing myself as I really really like this guy.
I have to see a surgeon on Monday and had to return to his office 3 times this week. With each visit, he became more and more distant to where he can barely speak with me.
Can anyone possibly explain what is going on?
Wow, if you’re a patient of his you shouldn’t be seeing one another romantically at all. As a doctor he could get in a lot of trouble over that. Could he have misunderstood your intentions when you “asked him out,” and thought you were just going to be friendly in a purely platonic way? Then perhaps when he realized your interest in him was decidedly romantic, he frantically backpedaled to maintain a proper, “professional” distance.
Fear of being sued for sexual harassment rather than sociopath. I doubt either of you did anything ‘wrong’. You were just on different pages.
Plenty of people, both male and female, will ‘go out’ with their doctor, lawyer, accountant, or other professionals in their lives,for a meal, fishing, or other ‘time out’. But that’s all it is, a break with a client/patient; no underlying agenda. I am quite sure that’s exactly what your doctor took the invite to be.
In the 7 years my mom needed an unreal amount of medical attention for what became a variety of problems, I met many doctors, nurses, therapists, etc. There were months where she had over 30 appointments, many days with more than one appointment. I got to know many of the professionals very well and they me. There were medicals that would home visit my mom and stay for a coffee. One doctor, who had been our family specialist in his field for over 20 years, would walk me and my mom out of his examination room and announce to the waiting room that ‘I was his prom date, way back, and he found me again’, which he certainly was NOT, and give me a smooch. This doctor’s personality is a bit of a ‘wide and crazy’ guy. Since he knew me for decades, he knew I would not get insulted. His actions made me smile, they took my mind off my mom’s problems for a few short minutes. He knew when I was feeling sad or overwhelmed. His, if you will, ‘bed-side manner’.
He might see that your feelings have compromised your position as a patient and his a your doctor. Many people’s reactions is to distance themselves from uncomfortable situations. Your physician’s actions, probably are nothing more than putting distance between the 2 of you so as to not encourage or have you misinterpret in any way, anything he does. Sexual harassment is a very real fear in today’s world.
Perhaps you should ask him or his staff, for a recommendation to see another doctor. You might also feel more comfortable with a new doctor, no more questions about his personality and you would not have to be in a position where you would have to rely on someone you have some feelings for.
Redwald: I don’t know. I asked him about the patient/doctor relationship and explained that if we continued to see each other that the decision would be clear. But, during the ‘date’ he wanted to hug me so to speak and I did, but I made no overtures toward him at all. That is what is so confusing.
He won’t engage me in any conversation at all.
I appreciate you answering. It makes no sense to me and he could have easily said no. I am confused and so upset. I like him a lot, but since he won’t talk to me, I can’t get any specific clarification.