A relationship with a sociopath occurs within the context of a person’s life. People do not stop growing and developing after adolescence. In fact, adult development is lifelong. Developmental psychologists say that early adulthood is the time that people come to grips with their needs for intimacy, love and friendship.
Once this developmental dilemma of “intimacy versus isolation” is addressed, mid life adults move on to the “generativity versus stagnation” phase. Mid life is the time when people build their lives and contribute meaningfully to society. In this phase, adults seek satisfaction through productivity in career, family, and civic interests. Generative adults create a path to meaning and purpose in their lives especially if their intimacy needs are also met.
The reference at the bottom of the page says “Generativity is an extension of love into the future. It is a concern for the next generation and all future generations. As such, it is considerably less “selfish” than the intimacy of the previous stage.”
Older adults grapple with the notion of “integrity versus despair.” Older adults often look back on their lives and assess their accomplishments in the realms of relationships and productivity. Each of us hopes to have a balance sheet that favors “integrity” and a sense of pride in a job well done.
Sociopaths derail the development of other adults in their lives. Furthermore, these developmental phases do not exist for sociopaths. Sociopaths do not care about real intimacy, productivity and integrity. They only care that their momentary needs for power and control are met. Thus they want the appearance of intimacy, the appearance of productivity and the appearance of integrity.
When you consider the impact on you, of victimization by a sociopath you have to consider how your adult development has been affected.
Were you left isolated without intimacy? Was your trust in others so destroyed that intimacy is difficult for you? Was your productivity affected? Did you lose the reputation you took much of your adult life to build? How can you still maintain a sense of integrity?
In my encounter with a sociopath, I lost much of what I had attempted to generate with my life. As a result, when I at times, ruminate and lament, my thoughts are that I wasted my talents, and allowed myself to be used to victimize others. I do not ruminate about lost love.
The impact of the lost generativity for me, was reduced by my continuing to pursue discovering a sense of purpose for my life. Although I lost many important relationships, those that remained became even more important and I resolved to work at them, especially my relationships with my children. Parental relationships are important for adults because they are intimate and productive as we nurture and mentor the next generation.
I have observed that most victims ruminate about lost love as opposed to lost productivity. It is good to remember that while intimacy and love are very important, generativity is also important. I spoke with a new friend this week, a woman in her 40s who was victimized by a con artist. During our discussion, she said that she had a hard time letting go of the sociopath because he represented the love relationship she always dreamed she would have.
My guess is that he specifically chose to victimize her because she told him of her dream of a solid intimate relationship. He knew he could “hook her” with her dream.
In mourning the loss of her dream and her present lack of intimacy, my new friend had neglected to work on the middle adult task of generativity. She has a good job but does not really feel fulfilled in that job. She has the desire for something more. Furthermore her teenagers are off to college and her parent role is changing.
I challenged her to work on generativity and consider building a greater sense of purpose and meaning in her life. She is clearly very talented and did have some good ideas for community service that would benefit both herself and her community. It is also critical to note that my new friend does work hard at keeping an exercise program and eating right.
She challenged me to think about the meaning of life. I do still hope that I will one day share life with someone special. I believe that although walking hand in hand on the beach with that special someone, enjoying the moment is important, there is more to life than that special relationship. If we find ourselves in a circumstance where romantic love is not available, we have to get satisfaction from other intimate relationships and from our life’s purpose.
My new friend gave me a valuable gift that I share with you. That is the knowledge that victims have the most time letting go when the sociopath has blocked or set back their journey toward adult development.
For more on the phases of adult development see Eric Ericson
Lost love has never been my concern insomuch that I never felt any type of “real” love or intimacy from her so in that what can one miss that one never had to begin with. My lost is more concerned with productivity and generativity and also that I should have trusted my children more and her less. Now that I have been away from her control connection I really see how much personal growth and time I have lost. For me staying with a sociopath is like standing still in quicksand and all you can hope is that if you don’t “struggle” too much you will sink slower. Time itself stops when in this type of dysfunctional relationship. We grow older yes, but some never grow wiser. Only when it ends does time (for me anyway) starts to tick again and I again feel I am on the path I should and was on before I met her. It really pain me to think about all the time I spend on her when I should (generativity) spend this time on others that would have benefited from it as well as myself.
Another excellent and thought-provoking article. I identify very much with the woman being discussed. I’m in my 40’s and regarded my S as a chance at that ideal love relationship I never found. This has affected me more than loss of productivity because he never defrauded me out of any money or material things. In the aftermath, I have had to realize that I can be happy and productive without that kind of relationship because I may never find it. I do feel like I’m going through a midlife crisis, however, where I’m realizing I cannot attract men through my looks in the way I used to. This feels like a big loss for me, and I will need to let go of this part of my identity along with letting go of the image of a marriage I always dreamed of. It’s kind of a yucky place to be in right now, and I hope I will be able to reassert a new identity at some point.
Very good article, Dr. Leedom, and describes exactly what I have been doing with each of the P-episodes. Now tht I am P-free and the worst part of the healing is behind me I’m focusing of the future, “the reasons to get up in the morning” as well as “integrety vs despair” and looking back over my life, redefiniing my relationships with my sons.
At 60+ (and retired from my career) and with the full time farming operation and the air port closed down, what will I do with the rest of my life? What will I leave behind? Community service is the rent we pay for the space we occupy (can’t remember who said that) but I do believe it.
My desire for “intimacy” (love relationship) is not dead, but I am no longer “needy” so that I can’t envision a happy life without it, because now I HAVE A HAPPY LIFE, without it.
Yet another ah ha moment, Thank you Liane:
James and Stargazer thank you as well. I may not always hear what I want to hear, but I usually Always hear what I need to hear. I was told that the longer I was gone from my Ex, my denial would thin and I would be faced with the reality of just how “lifeless” my life really was. This article has helped me to see just how life less I allowed “my life” to become. Lost love was and still has not been my concern. However, I really felt a lump in my throat when James said “Lost love has never been my concern insomuch that I never felt any type of “real” love or intimacy from her so in that what can one miss that one never had to begin with. WOW!!!!! How can I profess to Miss something I never truly experienced? Why have I wasted all those tears? James I too stood in that quick sand. I think just the tips of my fingers were showing before “someone, something” pulled me out. Thank God I grew wiser.
I too am in my over the hump 40’s. I have always prided myself on “generativity” I think that is what kept me going during the times I was not in a relationship. Just before I married my EX ( I am still getting use to the EX part) I told him I wanted him to see me and my friends. He lived in one state and I in another. We had a long history. I visited him and got but just a glimpse of how he was living his life (at least the one he tried to paint for me). I think it kind of “freaked” him out. I had many friends and did many things in my community. I got up at the crack of dawn and did not return in till late at night. I loved giving and doing with out a motive. My co-dependency skills were well used in a constructive way. After I got married and moved many miles away, I began to realize that his giving had motives….he would give me $ to get things for some of the guy’s families at work that were not doing so well (financially). I made sure there was special goodies for the kids, something special for the mom and dad and if there were teenagers I got things that would appeal to them) they knew I was not working (he would not let me) therefore all the Thank you’s went to him and he soak up all the accolades ……he would look like a peacock with his feathers all ruffled. He would drive to the on off ramps were his old friends were standing with “god bless” signs begging for money in his convertible sports car and give them $20-$60.00. However, when ever I wanted to do things for people…he would have no part of it. There was one time when I did bite off a bit more than I could chew and hoped that he would just help me. He would not even get out of the car and actually gloated and made very unkind statements as he watched me bust my but to get the job done. Any time I did anything for anyone it was met with some kind of sarcastic remark. It was all I had left to feel like a human being. He never encouraged me. In the end I ended up doing nothing. Nothing for others or even myself.
Stargazer…Never say never…..Also, when I was a little girl I used to think Asparagus was YUCKY…….now I love it…I just had to refine my tastes. Refine yours by only allowing people into your life who treat you and themselves with dignity and respect….let them nibble the good, loving, caring parts of you just a little at a time. Any men who are attracted to anyone OnLY because of their good looks are not worth having. Let them get to know your insides once you figure out what they are again.
I just spent the last few days helping the sig other (came all the way from England) of a friend of mine, clean up his house and dispose of all his belongings as my friend passed unexpectedly. My friend had Aids but died unexpectedly of other health complications. Being able to be there and help in anyway I could was the best orgasm I could ever have. I felt like me again, I felt like I had a purpose. In return I got to let my heart smile again……I thought I had lost it (my heart that is)…but it’s back and I am never ever going to let any one stifle that part of me again.
Hugs to all of you….Molly
I also can identiy with the woman described in the article and very much with Stargazer’s post… I never got conned materially, only emotionally by my x-S…
The ugly “shituation” brought me even closer to my teenage daughter (my X-S always envied our close relationship), but leaves me wondering what to commit the rest of my life to… I have worked for years with “at risk children” which is both difficult and rewarding (although not in the financial sense), but I find myself restless and wanting to make some major changes, but in an indecisive state…
Molly, I would be happy to let others nibble away at parts of me, as long as they can nibble away in the mid-section where I’m trying to drop a few pounds. LOL
“Any time I did anything for anyone it was met with some kind of sarcastic remark.”
I too Molly can identify with this as my ex S did the same whenever I wanted to help someone and not ask for anything in return. I really can’t tell you have many times my ex would tell me how much other “people” were using me. God even a family member? Of course at the time I didn’t understand what a “projection” was. I see now she had no problem “using” me but hated it if anyone (which they never did) else she thought was “using” me. Whenever I do something for someone else it make me feel warm good and complete inside of me. What did you call it Molly a “orgasm”, well I guess in a way it is. A feeling of warm and satisfaction! That’s my reward and that’s my payment. Try explaining that too a sociopath and my lord I do hope you have the patience of JOB when doing so. I understand now how they don’t get these “feeling” and what a shame that is. 🙁
Stargazer,
By nibble, I meant to taste a little bit of the goodness in you a little at a time. I know I gave way to much way to fast to my EX. He chewed be up and spit me out when he was through with me. But in hind site I realize that he spit out the me I became for him…not the me I really was. I am just now starting to re learn who I was and who I want to be. Stargazer, I suddenly gained 20 lbs after I married my ex as he became severely depressed or actually may have just made that up as a ploy to keep me in the house laying on the bed while he watched the TV or bought stuff on e bay all weekend long. I wanted to volunteer with Habitat , at first he said ok when he thought I would be sitting in a office licking stamps. When he found out I wanted to be in the field helping to build houses; he told me no because the neighborhood was too dangerous. Anyway after I left I dropped down to 97 pounds…I have not weighed that little since 5th grade. No one wants me anymore now than when I was much heavier. Besides, when I looked my best, I sometimes found that men only wanted me for one thing. That very often left me feeling much worse than if I would have been alone. If someone is going to treat you anything less than what your true heart desires than they are not worth it.
James: If we focus on God’s virtues, we feel the sensations that comes from conducting our lives virtuously … living/feeling what we’ve learned…. concluding with a life long satisfaction, comfort, peace … etc.
Same with the vices … which is not the way God wants wo/man to live … therefore, no feelings of satisfaction or feelings of anything permanently … just disastisfaction/frustration/anger of the vices… instant gratification for a split second … no life time satisfaction, comfort, peace … just chaos, over and over again.
Opposites … always, opposites in life, up/down, left/right, yes/no, etc. etc. etc.
Free will … choose wisely.
Peace.
REV , DR , PSYCITRIST . PSYCOLOGIST . Off. RETARD . Virgo , GAY Christian , Human being ,BOSSLEY IN THE HOUSE :)~