A relationship with a sociopath occurs within the context of a person’s life. People do not stop growing and developing after adolescence. In fact, adult development is lifelong. Developmental psychologists say that early adulthood is the time that people come to grips with their needs for intimacy, love and friendship.
Once this developmental dilemma of “intimacy versus isolation” is addressed, mid life adults move on to the “generativity versus stagnation” phase. Mid life is the time when people build their lives and contribute meaningfully to society. In this phase, adults seek satisfaction through productivity in career, family, and civic interests. Generative adults create a path to meaning and purpose in their lives especially if their intimacy needs are also met.
The reference at the bottom of the page says “Generativity is an extension of love into the future. It is a concern for the next generation and all future generations. As such, it is considerably less “selfish” than the intimacy of the previous stage.”
Older adults grapple with the notion of “integrity versus despair.” Older adults often look back on their lives and assess their accomplishments in the realms of relationships and productivity. Each of us hopes to have a balance sheet that favors “integrity” and a sense of pride in a job well done.
Sociopaths derail the development of other adults in their lives. Furthermore, these developmental phases do not exist for sociopaths. Sociopaths do not care about real intimacy, productivity and integrity. They only care that their momentary needs for power and control are met. Thus they want the appearance of intimacy, the appearance of productivity and the appearance of integrity.
When you consider the impact on you, of victimization by a sociopath you have to consider how your adult development has been affected.
Were you left isolated without intimacy? Was your trust in others so destroyed that intimacy is difficult for you? Was your productivity affected? Did you lose the reputation you took much of your adult life to build? How can you still maintain a sense of integrity?
In my encounter with a sociopath, I lost much of what I had attempted to generate with my life. As a result, when I at times, ruminate and lament, my thoughts are that I wasted my talents, and allowed myself to be used to victimize others. I do not ruminate about lost love.
The impact of the lost generativity for me, was reduced by my continuing to pursue discovering a sense of purpose for my life. Although I lost many important relationships, those that remained became even more important and I resolved to work at them, especially my relationships with my children. Parental relationships are important for adults because they are intimate and productive as we nurture and mentor the next generation.
I have observed that most victims ruminate about lost love as opposed to lost productivity. It is good to remember that while intimacy and love are very important, generativity is also important. I spoke with a new friend this week, a woman in her 40s who was victimized by a con artist. During our discussion, she said that she had a hard time letting go of the sociopath because he represented the love relationship she always dreamed she would have.
My guess is that he specifically chose to victimize her because she told him of her dream of a solid intimate relationship. He knew he could “hook her” with her dream.
In mourning the loss of her dream and her present lack of intimacy, my new friend had neglected to work on the middle adult task of generativity. She has a good job but does not really feel fulfilled in that job. She has the desire for something more. Furthermore her teenagers are off to college and her parent role is changing.
I challenged her to work on generativity and consider building a greater sense of purpose and meaning in her life. She is clearly very talented and did have some good ideas for community service that would benefit both herself and her community. It is also critical to note that my new friend does work hard at keeping an exercise program and eating right.
She challenged me to think about the meaning of life. I do still hope that I will one day share life with someone special. I believe that although walking hand in hand on the beach with that special someone, enjoying the moment is important, there is more to life than that special relationship. If we find ourselves in a circumstance where romantic love is not available, we have to get satisfaction from other intimate relationships and from our life’s purpose.
My new friend gave me a valuable gift that I share with you. That is the knowledge that victims have the most time letting go when the sociopath has blocked or set back their journey toward adult development.
For more on the phases of adult development see Eric Ericson
Hi Donna,
Thank you for your response. My stbx owes me a lot of money (surprise, surprise) and I am worried that if I don’t present myself in court that it will reflect poorly on me. What do you think? My stbx has no interest in custody unless it were sole custody on his part with me completely out of the picture- he is not asking for this officially though.
I appreciate your input…
Christina
StarG: Yes, I believe they can be helped. It’s getting them to lower their guards (their ego) is the major block to the problem. Mental Health professionals as well as the clergy and other professionals know that they have to earn their trust in order to work with them.
Remember, they believe in their own egos and are comfortable with living from their egos. This is the problem. Why would they need to be re-trained in their thinking, when their thinking works for them. Who cares if it doesn’t work for us (community) … it works for them.
On the human side of me, I know it’s practically impossible and would take such a long time in therapy (un-doing what their egos learned), if you can get them to stay in therapy, long enough too see overall picture (they want instant gratification, remember?)… that’s why I say, they have to be incarcerated, because they won’t chose to do this on their own because of their arrogance and not having acquired patience in their lives.
On the spiritual side of me, I know they chose the wrong path to travel while down on earth and I can see every turn of their lives how they didn’t learn God’s wisdom only knowledge of how their arrogance can get over on people.
There’s more to this … but this is the beginning of how I came to my conclusion.
Patience is a virtue. Do we have the patience to work with them?
Peace.
Wini,
When I first started studying about sociopaths, I believed they had certain energy blockages. All personality disorders have blocked energy somehwere in their bodies that can be redirected with a combination of therapy and certain physical postures/exercises. I read that if the energetic blockages could be removed, the individuals could be healed, even in sociopaths. After reading more statistics on how therapy does not fix them, and how there is a genetic component, I’m not so sure they can be rehabilitated. If someone is born without a conscience – as may be the case – how can they ever heal from this condition? I have not found any statistics or any evidence on this site that a sociopath has ever recovered. Is there any research on this? If I believed a sociopath could recover, I would certainly hold out hope for my ex. I would hope that perhaps his feelings for me could drive him into therapy to get some help.
But sadly, I have come to the conclusion that all the therapy and prayer in the world cannot help them. It can only help us to heal and protect ourselves better. Though statistics have shown that sociopaths cannot really change, we still do not target them for death. We still want to hold out hope. Why? Because we are human and because we have a conscience. We would not perpetrate the same crimes on them that they would perpetrate on us. This is the irony of our human condition.
Dear Christina,
To go or not to go is a two-edged sword. If you retain an attorney and your X tells a lie, your attorney may not know it is a lie even though you have proof to refute it, so I suggest that though it may be VERY painful and traumatic, that you do go. This is just my personal opinion, and the decision is of course YOURs and only you know your strength and the situation totally. Another option might be to have a phone with you plugged into it in the attorney’s ear so you could overhear what is going on in the court and if your x lied you could inform your attorney.
Also, you might be able to bargain with child support (which he will never pay anyway, so it is no loss to let him out of child support) and get him to sign over the rights to the child.
I would communicate with him totally through the lawyer even if you are in the same room with him. Kind of like the mother and father sitting at the dinner table “not speaking” and one will say, “Junior, please ask your father to pass the salt.” LOL
Good luck with all of this and I will keep you in my prayers and your child as well. The best win you could have is to give up any right to any money (which you will never get anyway) and take your kid and live a good life. I will bet that he will go along with it cause no judge in his right mind will give him custody over the mother. (((hugs))))
Christina, if you decide to go, I hope you can have access to some support system while you’re there. If you can’t bring a friend, at least maybe you could talk with one by phone, or get to a computer so you can blog here.
StarG: I always starting singing … YOU’RE A SHINNING STAR, NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE …
Ah, we’re they really born without a conscious? Or, did their conscience go dormant due to their egos taking off and no one was aware that they needed to be guided back to being humble?
I believe egos can take off within a short period of time of our births … which is earlier than most people care to think about, or at least study.
I know health professionals that work in nurseries know the importance of human touch and the bonding process and these children were born that week.
If I can remember events months after my birth, before my first Christmas … then I suspect they too can remember back to an early time in their infant lives too.
I was born in the middle of March if that helps you figure out the age I was at my first Christmas.
Peace.
I don’t know the answer to this, Wini. (Nature vs nurture in the case of sociopaths). Are there any stats on adult sociopaths recovering from their disorder? I have read that in many cases there was all kinds of abuse, control, and seduction going on in the families of young sociopaths-to-be. But not in all cases. This is a question mark in my mind. I truly don’t feel there is any hope in my ex’s case. I still feel that if someone is to recover from a personality disorder, they need motivation, because the work is hard and very painful. What is the motivation for a sociopath? They are motivated by sex, money and power, not by the desire to love, to feel feelings, or to do right by society.
StarG: Yup, you are right. What is the motivation for them to stop what they are doing, besides not having their butts thrown in jail for a few years … that, my dear is the only thing that stops them from harming society. For a while. Then, do they learn to be bigger and better cons, learning from the cons inside? Yup.
There are many concepts to what is and what isn’t work for those that are incarcerated. Have you checked on these concepts?
Too much info, too little time to write … has to be broken up into smaller pieces to work through what and what does not work.
Remember. They hold their egos (their mindsets dear to them), as do we in our thoughts and concept.
Our way works for what is harmony in society.
There mindsets don’t care about harmony or society.
Peace.
“I have not found any statistics or any evidence on this site that a sociopath has ever recovered. Is there any research on this?”
I am of the opinion that perhaps a sociopath could be helped thru therapy. But then I am also of the opinion, that although psychopath, sociopath, and aspd all fall under the diagnostic category of APD in the DSM, that there is a difference between all three conditions. Although most psychopaths would meet the criteria for ASPD, most people with ASPD do not meet the PCL-R criteria for the psychopath I personally feel it is the psychopath who is totally beyond help, other than perhaps learning to modify a few behaviors. There is some psychologist out in California (Jennifer something or other, I think) who has had some success with this, I believe.
Jen2008: I was referring to the legal system and penal system sites … getting the statistics from them … that is their profession and I’m sure the mental health profession’s stats are interwoven with the above sites.