A relationship with a sociopath occurs within the context of a person’s life. People do not stop growing and developing after adolescence. In fact, adult development is lifelong. Developmental psychologists say that early adulthood is the time that people come to grips with their needs for intimacy, love and friendship.
Once this developmental dilemma of “intimacy versus isolation” is addressed, mid life adults move on to the “generativity versus stagnation” phase. Mid life is the time when people build their lives and contribute meaningfully to society. In this phase, adults seek satisfaction through productivity in career, family, and civic interests. Generative adults create a path to meaning and purpose in their lives especially if their intimacy needs are also met.
The reference at the bottom of the page says “Generativity is an extension of love into the future. It is a concern for the next generation and all future generations. As such, it is considerably less “selfish” than the intimacy of the previous stage.”
Older adults grapple with the notion of “integrity versus despair.” Older adults often look back on their lives and assess their accomplishments in the realms of relationships and productivity. Each of us hopes to have a balance sheet that favors “integrity” and a sense of pride in a job well done.
Sociopaths derail the development of other adults in their lives. Furthermore, these developmental phases do not exist for sociopaths. Sociopaths do not care about real intimacy, productivity and integrity. They only care that their momentary needs for power and control are met. Thus they want the appearance of intimacy, the appearance of productivity and the appearance of integrity.
When you consider the impact on you, of victimization by a sociopath you have to consider how your adult development has been affected.
Were you left isolated without intimacy? Was your trust in others so destroyed that intimacy is difficult for you? Was your productivity affected? Did you lose the reputation you took much of your adult life to build? How can you still maintain a sense of integrity?
In my encounter with a sociopath, I lost much of what I had attempted to generate with my life. As a result, when I at times, ruminate and lament, my thoughts are that I wasted my talents, and allowed myself to be used to victimize others. I do not ruminate about lost love.
The impact of the lost generativity for me, was reduced by my continuing to pursue discovering a sense of purpose for my life. Although I lost many important relationships, those that remained became even more important and I resolved to work at them, especially my relationships with my children. Parental relationships are important for adults because they are intimate and productive as we nurture and mentor the next generation.
I have observed that most victims ruminate about lost love as opposed to lost productivity. It is good to remember that while intimacy and love are very important, generativity is also important. I spoke with a new friend this week, a woman in her 40s who was victimized by a con artist. During our discussion, she said that she had a hard time letting go of the sociopath because he represented the love relationship she always dreamed she would have.
My guess is that he specifically chose to victimize her because she told him of her dream of a solid intimate relationship. He knew he could “hook her” with her dream.
In mourning the loss of her dream and her present lack of intimacy, my new friend had neglected to work on the middle adult task of generativity. She has a good job but does not really feel fulfilled in that job. She has the desire for something more. Furthermore her teenagers are off to college and her parent role is changing.
I challenged her to work on generativity and consider building a greater sense of purpose and meaning in her life. She is clearly very talented and did have some good ideas for community service that would benefit both herself and her community. It is also critical to note that my new friend does work hard at keeping an exercise program and eating right.
She challenged me to think about the meaning of life. I do still hope that I will one day share life with someone special. I believe that although walking hand in hand on the beach with that special someone, enjoying the moment is important, there is more to life than that special relationship. If we find ourselves in a circumstance where romantic love is not available, we have to get satisfaction from other intimate relationships and from our life’s purpose.
My new friend gave me a valuable gift that I share with you. That is the knowledge that victims have the most time letting go when the sociopath has blocked or set back their journey toward adult development.
For more on the phases of adult development see Eric Ericson
I meant “exactly” in reference to BloggerT7165’s post.
Maybe we should just use the nickname RBP (really bad person). I rather like that, Jen. Mine was definitely an RBP.
As I understand it, there are a few schools of thought on the whole psychopath v. sociopath debate. One can argue that they are the same thing, but there’s one behavioralist whose name I cannot summon up right now who believes that psychopaths are born “wired” that way — in other words, there is no hope for them, and they are going to be your worst case offenders, usually. Like Ted Bundy and Dahmer.
Sociopaths, it can be argued are made — usually this is a result of permissive or absent parenting. Some of the factors that cause sociopathy: In his/her formative years, a child is permitted to run with the “wrong” crowd. Allowed to set his own rules of behavior (e.g., bedtimes). Permitted to play violent videogames and watch violent/sexually explicit content on t.v. and in movies. Sexualization at a young age is also associated with sociopathy — the earlier a child becomes sexually active, the better their chances. Permitting a child to disregard school rules (truancy) is another factor.
If we believe that sociopaths are made, then really, it all boils down to crappy parenting. Someone was asleep at the helm and didn’t take the time to instill proper values or set rules in the home. So the child learned to run free and basically do anything he/she pleased. And thus becomes wired at that stage of development to be a sociopath.
My feelings are that permissive parenting leads to various degrees of sociopathy in most children. I could be wrong.
According to Martha Stout–and I believe she uses the terms interchangeably–is that some of them like to kill, while some just like to lay around and get taken care of, while others crave power. Just like “normal” people, sociopaths/psychopaths have different motivations in life, but the key factor is that they all have no conscience. She does not consider only the most dangerous one as psychopaths. She sees them as all having no conscience.
She also shows historically how normal people can have a lapse of conscience. She cites the Milgram experiments, where random subjects were told by an authority figure to administer increasingly painful electric shocks to other test subjects. Milgram found that the majority of people did what they were told to do, even though sometimes under duress. Stout also gave the example of the holocaust, to show how once a person is convinced that someone else is an “it” they feel justified in mistreating that person.
So I would have to agree that people can be made to be sociopathic with the right conditions. I also feel that certain forms of abuse produce sociopathic reponses. However, I still feel the prognosis for these people is poor because they are not love-motivated.
SG,
Sadly, I concur. I think that sociopaths can be trained and taught to functio within the parameters of society. I think they can be taught that it’s “right” to be fair, to pay people back who they steal from, etc. But I don’t think that they will ever do it gladly or genuinely, nor will they ever have that “feel good” sensation that most of us get whenever we make amends with people or apologize or ask for forgiveness, because those things do not mean anything to them.
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, lays eggs that hatch baby ducks, chances are it is a “duck” no matter what you call it.
To me it doesn’t matter ifyou are bitten by a cobra or a rattlesnake, you are bitten by a POISON SNAKE, or if you are shot by a “sociopathic” gang member or by Ted Bundy, you are still just as dead.
It may in the end mean something to researchers or medical science in the nature vs nurture. With my own bio-father, he was uncontrolable by age 10-11 and my own son, who was uncontrable by age 16-17, if there is no genetics involved I will eat my hat, sure, there is some environmental stuff involved in any child (or other mammal) and the way it is brought up and “trained.” That said though, there’s a BIG amount of what they are because of genetics. No matter how you train a wolf pup he isn’t going to make avery good sheep dog, yet those distant wolf ancestor’s instincts for cooperatively corraling prey are what make a good sheep herding dog.
Treatment success? Depends on your definition of “success.” Most of them would never become a person you would want a relationship with if you were sane. I think that most of the ones that might be labeled “cures” were mislabled in the first place.
If you start thinking they are curable, it’s easy to think maybe they will recover and you can have a relationship with them again especially when you’re still in the bargaining phase of grieving. I think that’s a dangerous thought. I went down that path in the beginning when I thought maybe is is just a little bit sociopathic but not completely. As far as I’m concerned, what he has is not going to be cured in his lifetime.
“…it’s easy to think maybe they will recover and you can have a relationship with them again especially when you’re still in the bargaining phase of grieving.”
It needed to be said, SG. Because I remember thinking the same thing, too. In fact, at one point, the ex-S even said that he thought he needed to “talk to somebody,” and I thought “finally!” Because I was in that phase of thinking that would fix him. Also, he is an alcoholic, which helped obscure the issue a lot. I blamed his alcoholism for almost everything. When he cheated, it was because he was drunk and didn’t know what he was doing. What, every single time? Every single girl? I had to let that hope go, too.
It’s still sad to know that no matter how old he gets or no matter what happens in his life, that will not move him or change him. It’s sad to know that if I accidentally bump into him in ten years, he won’t have changed at all …
I just want to say I really like your phrase “still in the bargaining phase of grieving.”
That is the “stuck” point.. …bargain and argue with our own self about stopping loving, stopping the phone calls, stopping the ruminating on everything about them~~ while yet missing, wishing, crying for what we thought we had at the beginning.
Another word I like for the whole sad mess is: dissapointed and dissapointing !!
Dr. Leedom,
Generativity, loss of intimacy, it is as if you stepped inside my heart and mind. I am so suspended in this breach right now (thus the name inthebreach57), I still don’t know how to shake it off and take those steps forward. I am 51 years old. Have a 9 year old son and have not worked in 10 years. Why can’t I motivate myself out the door to work outside the home again? It isn’t the nearly 2 years now that I have been trying to get this divorce granted that has stopped me in my tracks. I came to a crashing halt when my son was born. I have been isolated for 10 years. My immediate family (mom and siblings) live so far from me. My dearest friends, too have all moved out of state. The phone is my contact outside these walls that have been my prison for so many years and the phone is not fulfilling or progressive in any way. Even the little charity I give is via mail.
He is now working out and exercising at the gym. He is out socializing, going on vacations, going to parties, making more friends than he has ever bothered with in his life. He has an incredible support system. a healthy glow about him and appears to be physically, emotionally free and genuinely happy as a lark. We never had a passionate relationship. Even in the beginning it wasn’t particularly physical, and what little that was faded very quickly after we married. I am in this fog that I cannot seem to shake off. Smoking 3 packs of cigarettes a day, knowing this is doing great harm to me. I feel like I hate myself, hate my life. I feel sick with worry all the time for my son, the future, the effect my emotional problems could have on my son. 15 years have passed since this relationship started and I never dreamed this is where I would be today. I am not in love with him or missing him in any way. I feel as if I have been in mourning for many years- the death of my spirit, the essence of who I once was has been erased from my memory. I don’t feel a purpose in life most of the time and when I do it is to be here for my son, but I wonder what good am I for him in this state.
I desperatly want people in my life, but something in me will not yield to go out and socialize and interact with others like I used to. Fear, inadequecy, dreadful insecurity perhaps. I don’t know or maybe can’t face it. I am lost and there is a very real possibility that I may never find my way back. I have thought about this a lot and this is my life, not a movie that always gets the happy ending. I have become the very nothingness he has told me I am for many years. I cannot deny this. He sought pity from others when he saw I was going to end this marriage and he has it in abundance. I look for compassion and understanding here, but I don’t think I could stand it if people pitied me because everyday I have that argument with myself that I will not be weak and vulnerable, though in my heart I know I am and it saddens and angers me.
I once thrived on helping others..now, I cannot help myself. Someone in an above post spoke of being disappointed. That would be a huge step up for me from grief and dispair. I would welcome it. I can’t be disappointed in anything but myself. I cannot believe the people who scattered from my life when this divorce began. I thought they were my friends and that we shared a mutual love and respect. Because he has money and power he can benefit them materially, but I gave loyalty and support, love… and yes, much money. Which is why I have a savings account of about $120. when the cold cruel facts are it could be several hundrad thousand dollars. Friends, a few family members, a lot of sad stories and there you are. I think the money was an issue for them when I think of it. A sense of entitlement perhaps, with an attitude of “she can afford it and owes it to us to share her wealth.” I wasn’t buying anyone, as my husband has often done with people. I was helping, trying to make their lives more pleasant and bring some happiness they could not afford, whether it be a beautiful comforter, a vacation, jewelry, clothing or what have you. Now, I see resentment, disrespect, envy and especially in a handful of certain relatives a desire to see me and my son in material poverty and spiritual poverty. I don’t think that is their decision to make no matter how much they desire to see us brought low. That is Gods’ call. Material poverty is not scary, but spiritual poverty is determined between us and our maker. My husband looks at these family members with disdain and though he may take a phone call here and there from them. I know him well enough to say most assuredly that when this divorce is final he will toss them aside like a dirty rag and somehow I doubt, and I could be wrong, but they will learn nothing from this. They cannot keep him as the friend they imagine him to be because he is not their friend. The most normal thing I can see in him is not that he is using them to parade a bit as (look at these few goofs who are supporting me and they are supposed to be her family!), but, that he has made it clear to me he sees them as beneath him and they are merely tools to make fools of and they are fully willing participants in hopes of some kind of gain. It is my daughters I have empathy for, but not my aunt and the 3 hanger on cousins. Making asses of themselves is a way of life for them but my girls are being played and they are the ones who will have feelings of regret and being tricked when he cuts them loose. I don’t know where to begin to pick up the pieces for my little boy, grown daughters or myself. All I know is I am not doing well with all of this and don’t know how to make that first step out the door back into life and join the mix of people who are functioning.