A relationship with a sociopath occurs within the context of a person’s life. People do not stop growing and developing after adolescence. In fact, adult development is lifelong. Developmental psychologists say that early adulthood is the time that people come to grips with their needs for intimacy, love and friendship.
Once this developmental dilemma of “intimacy versus isolation” is addressed, mid life adults move on to the “generativity versus stagnation” phase. Mid life is the time when people build their lives and contribute meaningfully to society. In this phase, adults seek satisfaction through productivity in career, family, and civic interests. Generative adults create a path to meaning and purpose in their lives especially if their intimacy needs are also met.
The reference at the bottom of the page says “Generativity is an extension of love into the future. It is a concern for the next generation and all future generations. As such, it is considerably less “selfish” than the intimacy of the previous stage.”
Older adults grapple with the notion of “integrity versus despair.” Older adults often look back on their lives and assess their accomplishments in the realms of relationships and productivity. Each of us hopes to have a balance sheet that favors “integrity” and a sense of pride in a job well done.
Sociopaths derail the development of other adults in their lives. Furthermore, these developmental phases do not exist for sociopaths. Sociopaths do not care about real intimacy, productivity and integrity. They only care that their momentary needs for power and control are met. Thus they want the appearance of intimacy, the appearance of productivity and the appearance of integrity.
When you consider the impact on you, of victimization by a sociopath you have to consider how your adult development has been affected.
Were you left isolated without intimacy? Was your trust in others so destroyed that intimacy is difficult for you? Was your productivity affected? Did you lose the reputation you took much of your adult life to build? How can you still maintain a sense of integrity?
In my encounter with a sociopath, I lost much of what I had attempted to generate with my life. As a result, when I at times, ruminate and lament, my thoughts are that I wasted my talents, and allowed myself to be used to victimize others. I do not ruminate about lost love.
The impact of the lost generativity for me, was reduced by my continuing to pursue discovering a sense of purpose for my life. Although I lost many important relationships, those that remained became even more important and I resolved to work at them, especially my relationships with my children. Parental relationships are important for adults because they are intimate and productive as we nurture and mentor the next generation.
I have observed that most victims ruminate about lost love as opposed to lost productivity. It is good to remember that while intimacy and love are very important, generativity is also important. I spoke with a new friend this week, a woman in her 40s who was victimized by a con artist. During our discussion, she said that she had a hard time letting go of the sociopath because he represented the love relationship she always dreamed she would have.
My guess is that he specifically chose to victimize her because she told him of her dream of a solid intimate relationship. He knew he could “hook her” with her dream.
In mourning the loss of her dream and her present lack of intimacy, my new friend had neglected to work on the middle adult task of generativity. She has a good job but does not really feel fulfilled in that job. She has the desire for something more. Furthermore her teenagers are off to college and her parent role is changing.
I challenged her to work on generativity and consider building a greater sense of purpose and meaning in her life. She is clearly very talented and did have some good ideas for community service that would benefit both herself and her community. It is also critical to note that my new friend does work hard at keeping an exercise program and eating right.
She challenged me to think about the meaning of life. I do still hope that I will one day share life with someone special. I believe that although walking hand in hand on the beach with that special someone, enjoying the moment is important, there is more to life than that special relationship. If we find ourselves in a circumstance where romantic love is not available, we have to get satisfaction from other intimate relationships and from our life’s purpose.
My new friend gave me a valuable gift that I share with you. That is the knowledge that victims have the most time letting go when the sociopath has blocked or set back their journey toward adult development.
For more on the phases of adult development see Eric Ericson
WIN
They have CDs that you can play for Chucky when your out and it can listen and learn new songs or put your favorit song on repeat on the 8 track :)~ and Chucky can learn your favorit song. Oh Ya have to play it sometimes when your home or Chucky will learn to sing it only when your out :)~ I LOVE you ANGEL JJ
inthebreach57: Two of my attorney’s made deals behind my back to advance their own careers for selling me out. What ever happened to the oath they take regarding ethics? Officers of the court? Protecting the rights of joe and jane average citizen? Long gone silenced with our forefathers who believed in living a righteous, ethical, moralistic lifestyle. Today, it’s all games, who can figure out what goes with what brief from years gone by … not realizing the ethics that went behind said briefs.
All I can say to you sweet heart is to pray to God to protect you in these court proceedings. Some day, I’ll tell you what I saw happen with my own eyes and heard with my own ears as my bosses and their cronies tried to lie in the kangaroo courts they had me endure. First I thought they were so arrogant to do what they did, then as it happened over and over again, and I saw the looks on the real union rep I had sitting next to me and a real hearing officer, I realized it was God intervening and not allowing their lies to spill out in the hearing.
Incredible. Absolutely, incredible.
Peace to you and yours … the healing is taking hold and you will be OK. As a matter of fact, better than OK.
As for your EX attorney husband, I suggest they give continuing education courses for these characters on the topics of morals and ethics and how briefs of long past came to their conclusions.
What a world?
Indi: I have those CDS you are referring too. Sounding out words. Birds are highly intelligent. Chucky thinks the dog and cats are his pets. As a matter of fact, he’s naming the new kittens. I hear him say this word or that word for each of them… so I just go along with what he’s calling them. Because, animals do name themselves if you haven’t come up with a name for them.
His singing is original. When I have him upstairs in my room. The cage I have for him to sleep in sits by one of the windows. The trees I planted in front of my house, have taken off over the years and many birds either sit in the trees and talk with each other, or build their nests and then baby birds are chirping in the Spring. What does Chucky do? Sings right along with them. My neighborhood is very old, so their are many landlocked animals in our area. Many owls and hawks and other old birds as such. It’s amazing. Early in the a.m., when the sun is coming up … these birds and animals all come alive and talk with each other. When I first moved in, I though the hooting like an owl was the kids in the neighborhood signaling to each other … then I realized, it was the animals in the area … talking with each other. It really is something to sit quiet and listen to them chatter away, before the neighbors wake.
A few blocks away is one of the oldest cemetery’s in our state. It is museum quality and is the 3rd most gorgeous cemetery in the world, 2nd behind the cemetery in France. Anyway, I’m always walking my dog up there … because my parents are buried there and I make a walk to their resting place … pay my respects … then off with Neuphy for his exercise. There is so much wild life up there … deer, wild turkeys, ducks, geese, possums, raccoons … you name the wild life, it is up there.
Anyway, back to my original comment … there are many beautiful animal chatter, songs, communication going on in our area … and Chucky comes out with these gorgeous melodies. I think he’s just a natural for writing his own songs.
Peace.
I rescued a dog from the last chance shelter 1 year into my 3 years with him. I thought it would help pull me away from him, I couldnt go to his apartment so easily in the city and I would have more responsibility and the need to be home. But he ended up coming here to my home more often ..and it worked for him cuz he had his apartment for all his extracurricular activities. Jerk.
She’s a yellow lab mix I named “Libby” – which is from “liberated” from her awful prior life! She has been by my side thru the next two years of my heartache with him. And she’s been my best friend. Now that I’m alone – its nice to have her kindly make me get out and walk every evening. She cares about me so much and I see true gratefulness in her eyes for her rescue and I am grateful for her rescuing me.
She was scheduled to be put down because she was ugly.. she had fleas so bad she’d scratched most her hair from her hind end… so no one adopted her. After some good baths, good food and TLC – she is good as new and is my “family.”
My son is gone in the Navy – and heading to Iraq in March – keep him in your prayers.
Meanwhile I’m sure Libby will be by my side comforting my worries there too.
Pets are great. Unconditional, honest love.
hi findingmyself: I love Libby. I love my dog too (Bear.) I gotta stop spoiling him. I’ve been cooking hamburger meat and mixing it in with his dry food. Now he turns his nose up on plain dry food. I rescued him too. He had some mange and a rash on his belly when I got him. Now he’s healthy. He gives me a reason to get out of the office at lunchtime and come home to walk him. Everyone should have a pet.
I do the same thing – she’s getting a little bored of dog food too. When I make eggs and toast – I make her an egg. She always gets the last bite or two of any meal. She waits patiently but knows eventually she gets a little turn.
I figure she’s put her time in with abuse and neglect..She has scars here and there and she had recently had pups when I found her. I always wonder what happened to them. She was found wandering the streets. A little spoiling never hurts 😉
Bear.. I used to have a golden retriever, Bear. He was a sweet boy.
To All,
My soon to be ex is not my sons biological father, but if anyone could get it done and take control and invent their own rules and laws in this town…he can get it done! He has been playing by his own rules in this case almost 2 years while the judge has turned a blind eye. He is cozying up to my son again and playing superdad after months of dumping him out of his life. My son pines for a father and this man is the only example he has ever had of a father. We have court coming up in December and it looks suspicious to me that he can’t get enough activities in with my son before this court hearing. Same old crap.
That’s what I don’t understand about it, since he is not the boy’s biological father and not an adoptive father either, he has NO LEGAL RIGHT TO THE CHILD AGAINST THE CHILD’S MOTHER’S WILL.
What would happen if you moved to another state? You have that legal right, I would think (though I am not an attorney.) Move to another country! I think I remember you suspecting possible sexual abuse of your son by your X as well.
Your situation is so confusing and “off the wall” in my way of thinking. What arrogance your X has!!! It makes me angry just to even imagine what all you have gone through. That man is so EVIL!!!!
I wish you well in your up coming court date! I will continue to keep you in my prayers. (((hugs)))))
I have many! 2 Tortoiuses 3 snakes ,4 fish , 1 cat that is not a cat he is a PIG tuna pig! wild things in the yard my roommate hobohermitchief!
CJ is my manx he does’nt like kat fud no more he is not a kat he is a people and needs his Tuna preferably solid white abacore select supree exclusively for PIGS!
OxDrover,
I thought I had posted you this in another thread but it must have been someone else. My husband and I aren’t divorced yet. In January I think it will be two years since this nightmare began. About 4 1/2 years into our marriage I had an affair. My husband had long left our bedroom and sexual intimacy. I still had sexual needs and badly wanted the intimacy. This affair produced my son. I couldn’t abort this baby and pretend the affair didn’t happen so I was going to get a divorce. He did not want a divorce and we talked about staying together and raising the baby. He still claims to be the innocent good guy where this is concerned and he is absolutely correct. I cheated. I got pregnant. He is not at fault there and to suggest he is would be the pratings of a pious whore. I found I was pregnant about 5 weeks after I broke it off with my sons father. My son will be 10 in March and I have not stepped outside the marriage again in the past 11 years. My husbands name is on my sons birth certificate, thus the custody battle. I can’t say much about my sons biological father because anyone out there could google him on his website pretty easily because of the nature of his business being a bit unique and unusual. I should protect his privacy in this matter. What a mess this all is and if I had left in the beginning of my pregnancy I could have saved my son unnecessary pain and drama. I chose the wrong path for sure and it kills me the suffering my son has gone through because of my ignorance and lack of foresight. My sons father was and still is single so I didn’t interfere with another womans marriage and I know this doesn’t make it any more acceptable. It did make me a stupid, needy girl at the time, however. My husband knew of the relationship I had with my friend and it never bothered him. I always felt that was so odd. From the moment we were married he always maintained the “image” of the marriage was the most important thing. My therapist and I have had many discussions on whether he is gay and I was providing a skirt for him to hide behind…but that could be wrong speculation also because it is based on behaviors and statements he made throughout the marriage and there is nothing really concrete to back that up. It’s all a big mass of confusion. If he is gay then he needs to step out of his misery. If he isn’t, then I don’t know where to begin to unravel this mystery of a person. I know his parents did extreme damage to him but he has hd good people in his life who loved him. I can’t understand him and it is driving me crazy. I have known my husband 27 (?)years and yet I can say paradoxically; I don’t know him the slightest bit. I have seen him do wonderful things for people and then do something utterly wicked and damaging. I feel everyone does good and bad but there is something about the level of bad that stands out when someone does horrible psychological damage to people. Sniping at someone who cuts you off in traffic is worlds away from someone who tries to run you headlong into oncoming traffic. It is an analogy of extremes. All these years in therapy and I am just now coming to terms with this trainwreck of a marriage. All the years I could never shed a tear and now I am a flood of tears. I’m not sure if it’s because I finally am facing the death of a marriage that never came to fruition and life or if it is tears of relief and a spark of hope for the future.
I know I will never marry again. Not out of bitterness but there seems to be some other purpose that is beginning to stir in me. I am 51 and my friends say, “you will have no problem meeting someone else.” I don’t want to meet someone else and certainly not for the purpose or agenda of marriage. I have 5 brothers whom I adore and reverence and that gives me an appreciation and respect for men. I don’t think I have to have a man as a lover or husband to enjoy their friendship. I have had many male friends in my life before this marriage and when I am ready to socialize again I wil have male friends……..Sorry, OxDrover I think I got off on some cathartic tangent there. God Bless, Breach