A relationship with a sociopath occurs within the context of a person’s life. People do not stop growing and developing after adolescence. In fact, adult development is lifelong. Developmental psychologists say that early adulthood is the time that people come to grips with their needs for intimacy, love and friendship.
Once this developmental dilemma of “intimacy versus isolation” is addressed, mid life adults move on to the “generativity versus stagnation” phase. Mid life is the time when people build their lives and contribute meaningfully to society. In this phase, adults seek satisfaction through productivity in career, family, and civic interests. Generative adults create a path to meaning and purpose in their lives especially if their intimacy needs are also met.
The reference at the bottom of the page says “Generativity is an extension of love into the future. It is a concern for the next generation and all future generations. As such, it is considerably less “selfish” than the intimacy of the previous stage.”
Older adults grapple with the notion of “integrity versus despair.” Older adults often look back on their lives and assess their accomplishments in the realms of relationships and productivity. Each of us hopes to have a balance sheet that favors “integrity” and a sense of pride in a job well done.
Sociopaths derail the development of other adults in their lives. Furthermore, these developmental phases do not exist for sociopaths. Sociopaths do not care about real intimacy, productivity and integrity. They only care that their momentary needs for power and control are met. Thus they want the appearance of intimacy, the appearance of productivity and the appearance of integrity.
When you consider the impact on you, of victimization by a sociopath you have to consider how your adult development has been affected.
Were you left isolated without intimacy? Was your trust in others so destroyed that intimacy is difficult for you? Was your productivity affected? Did you lose the reputation you took much of your adult life to build? How can you still maintain a sense of integrity?
In my encounter with a sociopath, I lost much of what I had attempted to generate with my life. As a result, when I at times, ruminate and lament, my thoughts are that I wasted my talents, and allowed myself to be used to victimize others. I do not ruminate about lost love.
The impact of the lost generativity for me, was reduced by my continuing to pursue discovering a sense of purpose for my life. Although I lost many important relationships, those that remained became even more important and I resolved to work at them, especially my relationships with my children. Parental relationships are important for adults because they are intimate and productive as we nurture and mentor the next generation.
I have observed that most victims ruminate about lost love as opposed to lost productivity. It is good to remember that while intimacy and love are very important, generativity is also important. I spoke with a new friend this week, a woman in her 40s who was victimized by a con artist. During our discussion, she said that she had a hard time letting go of the sociopath because he represented the love relationship she always dreamed she would have.
My guess is that he specifically chose to victimize her because she told him of her dream of a solid intimate relationship. He knew he could “hook her” with her dream.
In mourning the loss of her dream and her present lack of intimacy, my new friend had neglected to work on the middle adult task of generativity. She has a good job but does not really feel fulfilled in that job. She has the desire for something more. Furthermore her teenagers are off to college and her parent role is changing.
I challenged her to work on generativity and consider building a greater sense of purpose and meaning in her life. She is clearly very talented and did have some good ideas for community service that would benefit both herself and her community. It is also critical to note that my new friend does work hard at keeping an exercise program and eating right.
She challenged me to think about the meaning of life. I do still hope that I will one day share life with someone special. I believe that although walking hand in hand on the beach with that special someone, enjoying the moment is important, there is more to life than that special relationship. If we find ourselves in a circumstance where romantic love is not available, we have to get satisfaction from other intimate relationships and from our life’s purpose.
My new friend gave me a valuable gift that I share with you. That is the knowledge that victims have the most time letting go when the sociopath has blocked or set back their journey toward adult development.
For more on the phases of adult development see Eric Ericson
YUPPERS !
The ironic part of this is what they seek and want from us they can’t even hold on to ! Their satisfaction is fleeting ! Pooooffff and then what? their desire for stimulation is never satisfyed ! the merly observe it !
Very very sad existance , if you could call it that ! It’s more percisly put as living hell ! LOVE jere
Hey Indigoblue: Did I spell Bossley incorrect?
“If someone is going to treat you anything less than what your true heart desires than they are not worth it.”
You got that right Molly! This is something I myself will never allow to happen again! I am worth it and more!!! So are all of us!!!
You willl notice that spelling is not my strong suit I could never do anagrams like Lector I’d have to think fore ever :)~
Indigoblue: Yes they do have a sad existence … no one ever taught them anything differently and they never figured out (free will) they they could live their lives differently.
Some people crave living on a perpetual roller coaster ride ….
The Bible tells us to go silent, go still, (meaning slow down) at least once a day … to reflect on the day’s events.
Opposite again … they don’t reflect, they don’t slow down …they don’t think about anything except their next thrill of the con … never realizing they can do for themselves.
Dear Molly,
QUOTE: “I dropped down to 97 pounds”….”no one wants me anymore now than when I was heavier”
I don’t know how big a woman you are, Molly, but 97 pounds is quite small. I am also concerned about you thinking that dropping down to such a slim weight would influence people to “want you”
I know that everyone wants to “feel attractive” to the opposite sex, even old women like me, but believe me dear when I say that a person who would not find you attractive because you weighed 120 pounds vs 100 pounds is not going to be a “good catch” anyway.
People who base their attraction to others on “looks” are going to be disappointed in us eventually anyway, because that is such a shallow reason to “like” or “love” someone.
A friend of mine used to say “We should choose our lovers by personality, not looks, because in the end, we all end up looking like Yoda Anyway” LOL
What you are inside, what he tried to “crush down and kill,” that wonderful giving part of you, that’s what is important, not 20 pounds one way or the other. Take back that REAL MOLLY, the one that is YOU. ((((hugs)))))
Molly and OxD,
Your posts really lifted my spirits this evening. (That, and a guy who could be a Johnny Depp lookalike was just flirting with me on my other site–I’m such a femme fatale!)
You are right. Beauty is in a person’s energy, not in the age or physical attributes. It wasn’t quite a boink with the skillet but a little rap with a smaller frying pan. 🙂 I don’t always see the beauty in the mirror. I often see the wrinkles and gray hairs. Sometimes it takes friends to reflect back our beauty when we don’t see it ourselves. But friends who know us on the inside.
Knowing what we all know now, will we fall prey again?. Why if they are the Sociopaths are they going on in life like nothing ever happened,continuing to be successful financially, when some of us are just scraping by week to week. How can they be more social than when they held some of us in almost captive like situations, make decisions and choices without a blink of the eye, while some of us sit home on a Friday night still frightened by our own shadows as we sit Doubting every thought, questioning every decision, unsure of our own sanity as we Refuse to become hardened, bitter, giving like we never lost before, dreaming like our hearts were never broken, Yet unable to sleep as we still desperately search for the right words, or actions which will give us the answers our hearts/souls still long for?
Call me a martyr, but no matter how broken I may allow myself to become I want to have just enough energy to continue to give what ever I have left to others. I once heard something like “it get it you have to give it away”. Not sure if it’s true or not but that is surely something I won’t mind if I died trying. Can’t think of a better way to go.
You are worth it James…We all are….even they are(if they could only believe it maybe they would not be that way)?
Doc Liane
Why would they not want us to contribute to a meaningful society? Are they afraid that we won’t have enough time for them?
How can they have wreaked havoc on our lives and we still pine for them?
Will we ever get the answers to our questions or will our dilemma just be added to the one liners like “how did the chicken get to the other side of the road” only it will go “how did the loving, kind human being get the sociopath to explain why he/she did what they did and tell it truthfully.
Because we are more human than they are, Molly. Humans feel weak, scared, caring, and desire to make a difference. S’s feel painfully bored and desire only to play games with people. It is a shallow menial existence, and I wouldn’t trade my pain for theirs in all the tea in China.
I don’t know if we will ever get the answers. But I believe we slowly lose interest in finding the answers. It becomes less and less important to know. The most important thing to know is that they are dangerous, and we need to stay away from them, no matter what they may say or do. I believe they will reep their karma in due time.