A relationship with a sociopath occurs within the context of a person’s life. People do not stop growing and developing after adolescence. In fact, adult development is lifelong. Developmental psychologists say that early adulthood is the time that people come to grips with their needs for intimacy, love and friendship.
Once this developmental dilemma of “intimacy versus isolation” is addressed, mid life adults move on to the “generativity versus stagnation” phase. Mid life is the time when people build their lives and contribute meaningfully to society. In this phase, adults seek satisfaction through productivity in career, family, and civic interests. Generative adults create a path to meaning and purpose in their lives especially if their intimacy needs are also met.
The reference at the bottom of the page says “Generativity is an extension of love into the future. It is a concern for the next generation and all future generations. As such, it is considerably less “selfish” than the intimacy of the previous stage.”
Older adults grapple with the notion of “integrity versus despair.” Older adults often look back on their lives and assess their accomplishments in the realms of relationships and productivity. Each of us hopes to have a balance sheet that favors “integrity” and a sense of pride in a job well done.
Sociopaths derail the development of other adults in their lives. Furthermore, these developmental phases do not exist for sociopaths. Sociopaths do not care about real intimacy, productivity and integrity. They only care that their momentary needs for power and control are met. Thus they want the appearance of intimacy, the appearance of productivity and the appearance of integrity.
When you consider the impact on you, of victimization by a sociopath you have to consider how your adult development has been affected.
Were you left isolated without intimacy? Was your trust in others so destroyed that intimacy is difficult for you? Was your productivity affected? Did you lose the reputation you took much of your adult life to build? How can you still maintain a sense of integrity?
In my encounter with a sociopath, I lost much of what I had attempted to generate with my life. As a result, when I at times, ruminate and lament, my thoughts are that I wasted my talents, and allowed myself to be used to victimize others. I do not ruminate about lost love.
The impact of the lost generativity for me, was reduced by my continuing to pursue discovering a sense of purpose for my life. Although I lost many important relationships, those that remained became even more important and I resolved to work at them, especially my relationships with my children. Parental relationships are important for adults because they are intimate and productive as we nurture and mentor the next generation.
I have observed that most victims ruminate about lost love as opposed to lost productivity. It is good to remember that while intimacy and love are very important, generativity is also important. I spoke with a new friend this week, a woman in her 40s who was victimized by a con artist. During our discussion, she said that she had a hard time letting go of the sociopath because he represented the love relationship she always dreamed she would have.
My guess is that he specifically chose to victimize her because she told him of her dream of a solid intimate relationship. He knew he could “hook her” with her dream.
In mourning the loss of her dream and her present lack of intimacy, my new friend had neglected to work on the middle adult task of generativity. She has a good job but does not really feel fulfilled in that job. She has the desire for something more. Furthermore her teenagers are off to college and her parent role is changing.
I challenged her to work on generativity and consider building a greater sense of purpose and meaning in her life. She is clearly very talented and did have some good ideas for community service that would benefit both herself and her community. It is also critical to note that my new friend does work hard at keeping an exercise program and eating right.
She challenged me to think about the meaning of life. I do still hope that I will one day share life with someone special. I believe that although walking hand in hand on the beach with that special someone, enjoying the moment is important, there is more to life than that special relationship. If we find ourselves in a circumstance where romantic love is not available, we have to get satisfaction from other intimate relationships and from our life’s purpose.
My new friend gave me a valuable gift that I share with you. That is the knowledge that victims have the most time letting go when the sociopath has blocked or set back their journey toward adult development.
For more on the phases of adult development see Eric Ericson
Dear Breach,
Okay, No if you had posted that I had missed it, sorry, but it makes perfect sense now, that he is the “legal” father because he was legally married to you at the time the baby was made and born.
That does put you in a bind because he DOES have some legal “legs to stand on.” What a night mare!
Breach, go and read my article on “forgiving yourself”–we have all done and said things that were not even acceptable to ourselves–but we MUST forgive ourselves for these deviations from our moral compass in order to heal. I know I have done things and said things that I find reprehensible, that I found reprehensible at the time, but I did them anyway. Getting the guilty feelings and the bitterness against myself out of my heart was I think one of the most difficult things. Maybe I allowed some of the abuse because I knew I had also done “bad things.” Maybe that made their abuse of me more tolerable, I’m not sure.
I was talking with a friend last night on the telephone and the friend has a mother that is a total narcissist (I’ve never met the woman, but I think she is also likely a Borderline Personality Disorder with psychopathic overlay when she is in a rage, and could actually be dangerous when she is in a rage.) The friend asked me why I focused more on the relationship with my mother than on the relationship with my P-XBF.
At the time, the P XBF was very acutely painful, but the relationship with my toxic mother has gone on for more years and though the pain wasn’t as acute (until recently) I realized when I started looking into the source(s) of my pain and my own dysfunction, I realized it went directly back to my mother.
As a child, the child wants very much for the parent to love and approve of them. Though the Ps (and other abusers) tell us that they “love” us and that “I’m doing this for your own good, to make you a better (more acceptable) person, even as children, we can compare the actions to the words and see that somehow they DON’T MATCH UP, just as we could see that at least instinctively with our later abusers.
To me, I realized that all the abuse I tolerated in my MALIGNANT HOPE that the abusers would love me, and my feeling that if I didn’t tolerate it I would be abandoned by these people who I loved and who CLAIMED to love me, but demonstrated that they didn’t. ONce I saw that I had done this same thing my entire life, and started to heal from the UNREASONABLE EXPECTATION THAT MY MOTHER LOVED ME, then I was able to put the puzzle pieces together and see the PATTERN in my own life.
Turn down the volume on relationships, quit listening to the words and LOOK AT THE ACTIONS. “Actions speak louder than words.” That is the KEY FACTOR to me now. I am looking at the ACTIONS of persons in my life, ALL persons, and if the actions don’t match the words, I am more able to see which is the TRUTH—actions or words.
My mother, when confronted with her lies, instead of even pretending she was sorry, turned to me and said, “Don’t tell me you’ve never lied to me!” (as justification for her own lies) and I said “Yep, I sure have, when I was FIFTEEN YEARS OLD!” (45 YEARS PREVIOUSLY!) That was a pivitol point in my SEEING the actions vs the words. I also realized tht my own guilt for that lie 45 years ago was pivitol in my allowing abuse from her and others.
Giving up that guilt for my own wrong doings in the past, and changing my way in the NOW has helped free me to be me.
I hope that you will forgive yourself for your affair, even if it is what “caused” you to be caught up in this drama and problem today, there has been some positive outcome in the form of your son that you love. ((((hugs)))) and God bless.
Dear inthebreach57: I know you were writing to Oxy, but I could help read your post and am still confused about several issues.
1. You never mentioned why your marriage intimacy stopped.
2. You mention that you think your husband may or may not be gay? Is there a specific reason you think this, or is just his lack of intimacy what makes you believe the gay issue?
I’m really confused how you are deducting your theory of his sexual preference … because I know some people who have stopped being intimate with their partners, not due to the partners fault … but that they have issues outside of sexual intimacy that need to be addressed and they just don’t know how to explain this to themselves, never mind their partner and it has nothing to do with their sexual preference.
3. Have you gone to marriage counseling with your husband? Have you offered this resolution? If so, what was his response?
If you prefer not to answer any of my questions, I will certainly understand and respect your privacy in not answering.
Peace.
inthebreach57: My gut instincts tell me that your husband is very much in love with you and your son.
I don’t believe his lack of intimacy has anything to do with you. Somehow, I feel it down to my soul that it’s an issue he has yet to deal with and hence, he stayed away from you intimately until he could work this out himself, without you having to be involved.
I don’t know your entire story, but I do believe you have a good guy in your life and you can’t see it because of the lack of sexual intimacy clouded your judgment.
Peace.
I am still WAITn ! ! !
Internet Discount Beverage + Smokes + IntImatothers !
Your just 30 minutes! :)~
Wini and OxDrover,
I don’t know why he decided once we were married the sex was no longer important. He has never given a real reason. He talked a lot about homosexuality after we wed. He also gave my son quite an education on it before my son turned 7. My son didn’t know what heterosexuality was but he knew what men did for sexual intimacy. This infuriated me and I felt it extremely inappropriate…as he was telling my son that ALL his friends were gay and there is nothing wrong with it. That sounded like grooming to me because I asked several people I know who are gay if they have those talks with little kids and they all gave a resounding NO! As for ALL my husbands gay friends he claimed to my son he had..I sure never met them or knew of them, so why lay it on a first grader if even your wife has no knowledge of it. It is wrong and inappropriate and at that age kids are still innocent and don’t need to know. Their orbit should be games, sports, friends, videos and candy bars. I don’t like the timing and the details he gave my son and I feel he robbed him of some of his innocence and childhood. I would never have such a conversation with a child whether my own or someone elses. It just seems wrong morally. Our children look up to us, believe us and do things they think will please us. That is not a proper age to be singing the praises of a lifestyle choice. I think there are many people who knew they weren’t attracted to the opposite sex when they were young, but not that young because it isn’t on their radar yet and not one friend I have ever had that was gay, said,” oh yea, my dad encouraged it for me and thought it would be a good choice for me.” My husbands behavior in this matter was just chickenhawk and without excuse. I don’t believe it is our job as parents, friends or what have you to recruit anyone on their sexuality. Period. I am really ticked about it.
The lack of sexual intimacy for so many years probably has clouded my judgement in many ways but the sex was long gone way before I had my son. Half the time I don’t know what to think of any of it. Crazy seems to sum it up. Went marriage counseling several times…each time I filed for divorce he was ready to go for a few sessions, but laughed everything off after we got out the door. Go figure!
OxDrover, I am going to find your article and read it tomorrow. Thank you and Wini for all the good, thoughtful advice you give me. I will be mulling this over.
God Bless, Breach
inthebreach57: It sounds like he was conditioning your son for truth when he finally reveals it in the future and wanted your son to accept him for what he is.
I do believe your husband loves you … maybe not as a typical husband and wife should, but he himself loves you and loves your son.
I think he knows that he doesn’t have a true loving marriage with you, but he loves you both, just the same.
If it is indeed true that he is gay and if he ever comes out with the truth, I think he’s slowly working you up to just accepting him as he truly is and always wants the two of you in his life no matter if you stay in the home with him or move out.
Maybe his fear of loosing both your love is pushing him over the edge. If you can convince him that even though both of you go on in your own lives separately, it wouldn’t change your love for him and that he will always have a relationship with you and your son (his son) it just wouldn’t be under the same roof.
I think your husband having this talk with your son was his way of wanting to ensure his son accepted him in the future. I don’t think he was trying to convince your son one way or the other of how to live his life … I think your husband wanted to condition your son to hear the truth about his father and wanted your son to know it’s OK to love a gay person. Your husband, if he is gay, pretended to be heterosexual … now that he’s switching the illusion of himself, he doesn’t want to loose his son’s love in his life.
You have to remember, we never had to live behind a lie … so put yourself in someone’s shoes who had to live a lie … and how would you handle having the truth finally come out? Remember, it is so painful for older people to come out … than it is for young gay people over the last 20 years to live their lives the way they wanted to. Society has made it acceptable today to be true to yourself and live your true existence … than it ever did yesteryear.
Peace.
inthebreach57: My cousin Bob is gay. My brother and my cousin were thick as thieves growing up. They were the same age. When it came to starting to date, those two dated all these women, in my cousin’s town and my brother’s town … and all the cities and towns in between (smile, the jerks) LOL.
Anyway, my cousin came out to the entire family and no one batted an eye. We all loved my cousin and if he was gay, then he was gay. No big deal to anyone in the family. My brother on the other hand wouldn’t/couldn’t have a heart to heart talk with our cousin for years. He still loved our cousin but he was so upset that my cousin pretended all those years to be heterosexual and he didn’t know how to handle his anger over the deception … no matter how anyone in our family said to him it was no big deal, it was a big deal with my brother because of the bonding process they had over the years.
To make one of my long stories short (and I’ve got plenty of them LOL) … my brother finally told my cousin Bob that he still loved him, that they were cousins and if he’s gay so what, he was sure my cousin didn’t care about him being heterosexual. Now they are still close … it’s just a different bonding … a truthful bonding of spirits instead of sexual preference of who they think they should be.
Peace.
Wini Send me His Pic I am on the Market:)~
Gay is not a choice! I knew what I liked before I knew what it was called and I was never schooled that it was ok ! I was raised in the Southern Florida tradition and knew early on what a Slave was and where they worked for my Grandfather. All my Uncles used the N-word like it was second nature! My A** was Beat with a belt the first time I called a person that word and It still appalls me how losely it is used in todays rap culture and amongst the younger generation! They must not teach History any more in School?! LOVE JJ
Indi: I thought you were going to adopt a pound puppy or two. Don’t you think training your new puppy(s) will keep you busy for a while? (LOL).
Oh, I would love to be a fly on the wall viewing your paranoia with a new relationship in your life… since it is early to be flapping those wings … but, to each their own … I’m not looking, I just prayed to God for it to happen, on his time frame not mine … and this time, the guy loves and believes in our creator, not his own big ego … and who can love me. I didn’t realize that I had to be so specific, geezzzzzzzzzz.
Peace buddy, peace.
In the Breach,
I find your husband’s behavior with your son to be very disturbing. I do agree with you that he may have been grooming your son for possible violation.
I’ve written previously about sociopaths and sex. In my view, sociopaths are neither straight nor gay – they will screw anyone (I use that term because that’s all it is) who serves their purpose at the moment. Here’s the article:
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/02/04/sociopaths-and-sex-neither-straight-nor-gay/