A relationship with a sociopath occurs within the context of a person’s life. People do not stop growing and developing after adolescence. In fact, adult development is lifelong. Developmental psychologists say that early adulthood is the time that people come to grips with their needs for intimacy, love and friendship.
Once this developmental dilemma of “intimacy versus isolation” is addressed, mid life adults move on to the “generativity versus stagnation” phase. Mid life is the time when people build their lives and contribute meaningfully to society. In this phase, adults seek satisfaction through productivity in career, family, and civic interests. Generative adults create a path to meaning and purpose in their lives especially if their intimacy needs are also met.
The reference at the bottom of the page says “Generativity is an extension of love into the future. It is a concern for the next generation and all future generations. As such, it is considerably less “selfish” than the intimacy of the previous stage.”
Older adults grapple with the notion of “integrity versus despair.” Older adults often look back on their lives and assess their accomplishments in the realms of relationships and productivity. Each of us hopes to have a balance sheet that favors “integrity” and a sense of pride in a job well done.
Sociopaths derail the development of other adults in their lives. Furthermore, these developmental phases do not exist for sociopaths. Sociopaths do not care about real intimacy, productivity and integrity. They only care that their momentary needs for power and control are met. Thus they want the appearance of intimacy, the appearance of productivity and the appearance of integrity.
When you consider the impact on you, of victimization by a sociopath you have to consider how your adult development has been affected.
Were you left isolated without intimacy? Was your trust in others so destroyed that intimacy is difficult for you? Was your productivity affected? Did you lose the reputation you took much of your adult life to build? How can you still maintain a sense of integrity?
In my encounter with a sociopath, I lost much of what I had attempted to generate with my life. As a result, when I at times, ruminate and lament, my thoughts are that I wasted my talents, and allowed myself to be used to victimize others. I do not ruminate about lost love.
The impact of the lost generativity for me, was reduced by my continuing to pursue discovering a sense of purpose for my life. Although I lost many important relationships, those that remained became even more important and I resolved to work at them, especially my relationships with my children. Parental relationships are important for adults because they are intimate and productive as we nurture and mentor the next generation.
I have observed that most victims ruminate about lost love as opposed to lost productivity. It is good to remember that while intimacy and love are very important, generativity is also important. I spoke with a new friend this week, a woman in her 40s who was victimized by a con artist. During our discussion, she said that she had a hard time letting go of the sociopath because he represented the love relationship she always dreamed she would have.
My guess is that he specifically chose to victimize her because she told him of her dream of a solid intimate relationship. He knew he could “hook her” with her dream.
In mourning the loss of her dream and her present lack of intimacy, my new friend had neglected to work on the middle adult task of generativity. She has a good job but does not really feel fulfilled in that job. She has the desire for something more. Furthermore her teenagers are off to college and her parent role is changing.
I challenged her to work on generativity and consider building a greater sense of purpose and meaning in her life. She is clearly very talented and did have some good ideas for community service that would benefit both herself and her community. It is also critical to note that my new friend does work hard at keeping an exercise program and eating right.
She challenged me to think about the meaning of life. I do still hope that I will one day share life with someone special. I believe that although walking hand in hand on the beach with that special someone, enjoying the moment is important, there is more to life than that special relationship. If we find ourselves in a circumstance where romantic love is not available, we have to get satisfaction from other intimate relationships and from our life’s purpose.
My new friend gave me a valuable gift that I share with you. That is the knowledge that victims have the most time letting go when the sociopath has blocked or set back their journey toward adult development.
For more on the phases of adult development see Eric Ericson
Dear Inthebreach,
Charles Walls, “Jackie” Wall,s one of the all time high number serial molesters of young males, he was a scout master for over 20 yrs and the numbers are a minimum of 1500, was an acquaintence of mine, his father was a close friend of our family’s. Jackie was married, had children and a nice wife, he aslo molested his two nephews (sister’s children) and one of those killed himself. Jackie also advised one victim to kill his parents, and the victim did in response to Jackie’s advice, after the victim had told his parents and the sky was about to fall on Jackie. He ended up being convicted and given life without parole. The prosecutor said if she could have gotten the death penalty she would have. They did a 1 hour TV special on Jackie. You can google his name under the arkansas prison system and see his photograph and there are other articles on him on the internet. I knew Jackie and I knew he was an A$$hole but never even suspected he was a MONSTER.
I have known several other child molesters and the things your husband was doing sound very much to me like he was/is grooming your son. The depths that these monsters will go to to secure a victim are unbelieveable.
If you haven’t already Get Dr. Anna Salter’s books on the subject. this woman is great. The one of hers that I read told about a school principal who would molest a child in the back seat while the parents were in the front seat, or in his office with the door open and his secretary sitting at her desk at the adjoining office. HORRIBLE GALL AND ARROGANCE. The fact that they can convince the kids this is “okay” is also “unbelieveable” but TRUE. The damage they do is also in many cases unrepairable.
We had a guy in our living history group that was CONVICTED on child porno, and when he got out he was right back working with kids again. He had been a state parks employee when he was convicted and the department hushed it up. I only knew where he was (prison) because I was close to some people he knew who told me, but I had to “throw a fit” and get copies of his federal indictment and threaten to raise a public media “fit” to get his parole officer to make him quit our group. Since he had never been convicted of TOUCHING a child there was no legal prohibition on him being around or working with children. The man lost his contract job with our local museum when I informed the director of his conviction as well. Even the men on the board of directors of our living history group were not in favor of booting him out for “looking at dirty pictures” but I cannot imagine that he limited himself to looking at children’s porno if he was not planning on doing something—even if he had not yet done it. If that sounds like I am “thought” police, so be it.
He is still working with children in groups like 4-H. Everytime I find out where he is working with kids, I make it my business to send the PUBLIC INFORMATION about his conviction to the people who are hiring him, but he just moves on to another group. It frustrates me no end that these groups do not do back ground checks on volunteers and at least eliminate those that have been CONVICTED. There is a HIGH percentage of them that are RE-convicted. As far as child molesters having a “hard time in prison” my son says that is not so (he’s been in there with many) and most people don’t even know what someone else is convicted of unless they tell them as they have no access to the records of other inmates. So it is very easy for them to pretend to be bank robbers instead of child molesters in prison. Even the guards don’t generally know what someone is in for. So the old “urban myth” about child molesters being brutalized in prison is not true.
Donna,
THANK YOU. I started to question for a moment if I was being overly paranoid and began thinking on those lines of minimizing and dismissing. My son and I have been in therapy for quite awhile and the therapists are on the same page as you on this matter. How could I even think about excusing this for a moment?! I clicked on your link and read the article. What an eye opener! I cannot agree with WINI that my husband was “conditioning” my son for the truth, and that being out of a sense of being deeply in love with us. I just don’t believe there is conditioning in the truth. Truth stands alone and it can be cruel and harsh sometimes but other times loving and kind. My therapist speaks the truth in kindness, but it is not without pain at times. I have an immense amount of work to do on myself in order to be the best parent I can for my son. I have to stay the course for him because if I check out emotionally, mentally or in any way this kid will be lost. I am overwhelmed by things that happened and continue to take place but I have to stay in therapy or I would fall apart. My son must stay in therapy to keep a good hold on reality when he is on the receiving end of misinformation and inexcusable behavior that gets outright denied, dismissed or reinterpreted. It alleviates some of the confusion for him. This month my husband is perfect father and spending huge amounts of time with my son. He is taking him to the gym for exercising twice a week. He too, is now working out at the gym, though, he wouldn’t change a light bulb in our home for fear of falling off the step ladder. I would be much more intimidated about exercise machines than a simple light bulb. If all the changes this time in lifestyle are sincere, then I support anything that betters someone. I am suspicious, however, because of the history of behavior and that this “looks” mighty good on his part for the upcoming custody dispute. He is also claiming he now believes in God where he was vehemently anti- God up until a month ago. It’s as if he is a different person suddenly. I have never been able to keep up with the different personas that have been presented and thus constant confusion where he is concerned. Absolutely bizarre is that my son has gained weight and is puffy since my husband has been taking him to the gym and spending a lot of time with him. This just doesn’t make sense to me. I cannot figure this out how my son could be gaining this weight and be puffy and bloated when he is doing all this exercise!!
inthebreach57: I didn’t NOT read your original posts or most of your bloggs.
What I gather from what I’ve read is that you need to get out of your situation.
Why are you hesitating?
Peace.
In the Breach,
Sociopaths are empty inside. Therefore, it is easy for them to change their story – and their personalities – to whatever they think will get them what they want at the moment. That’s why we call them chameleons.
About your son gaining weight and being puffy – that’s what happens with steroid use. I hate to raise an alarm, but is your husband by any chance giving him steroids?
Donna
WINI,
Sorry, I am trying to understand the double negative in your first sentence and all I can come up with is it is ambiguous as to whether you are saying you did or you did not read my other posts. You say ( to paraphrase),” I need to get out of my situation and why am I hesitating?” I did not mean to give the impression to anyone here that I am hesitating in any way in this divorce/custody case and I have absolutely no control over the timeline the judge follows for making a ruling, much less finalizing a case. I can only show up for each hearing set and ( my attorney) present whatever we can to move forward.
I realize none of us here can see each others faces, nor can we hear voice inflections, which can create misunderstandings of meaning sometimes. I am very confused by some of the things you have stated in your posts about my husband. You say you have gut instincts, feelings in your soul about him and his intentions and that he really is a good guy. You enumerated questions(1.2.3.) to me about intimacy issues in my marriage, what might be my criteria for suggesting the possibility of him being homosexual and in short you stated that lack of sexual intimacy in a marriage doesn’t mean someone is gay.I certainly agree that lack of sex in a relationship isn’t an automatic red flag pointing to gay. In fact, there are many reasons people stop having sex but they are still intimate. I’m pretty sure before viagra hit the market my grandparents were not asserting their gayness because they could no longer have sex.(Grin)There are many reasons also that I believe, after spending 15 years with this man that he is not the face he presents to the public because I have seen the other behind closed doors.
Kind Regards, Breach
Dear Breach,
QUOTE BREACH: There are many reasons that I believe….that he is not the face he presents to the public, because I have seen behind other closed doors.”
AMEN! My own mother presents one face to the entire world except for me. To the world she is the kindest, most sweet, caring person you could even imagine, but to me, I have seen behind the mask.
They are like lizards that change their color—depending on where they are they can be any “color” that suits the situation. They can “blend in” to many different situations and appear like they “belong” there—just as an undercover cop assumes a “personality” that might not be his/her real personality, the Ps put on the “role” that they are going to play. The problems get to be when the “audiences” over lap and they can’t play two roles at once.
The sexual predators and the ones who are hiding a sexual orientation seem to be the “worst” to me, and only get worse as they get older. It makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck.
Breach, I pray for you daily, and I wish a group of us from LF could be there for you in person at the court hearings to boost your confidence and be support for you. But we are there in spirit with you, and my prayers for your and your son’s safety are raised to God’s ears. (((hugs)))))
Donna,
OMG!! Several months ago my son came home from a visit with him talking about steroids and that his dad said they were good for you and that his parents had given them to him as a child so he would grow strong! My son went so far as to use the term, human growth hormone so I’m pretty sure he was giving him some detail about steroids. I told my son that his dads parents NEVER gave him steroids as a child and that steroids can cause liver and kidney failure, damage all the organs in your body and cause people to become mentally ill forever. Once the damage is done it cannot be fixed.
His fingers are swollen to twice the size. His feet, arms and legs and stomach as well. I noticed the other day when he came downstairs with his shirt off his breasts have become huge. He looks like he is growing women’s breasts! I didn’t want to say anything to him to embarass him but it bothered me and I told him to go put a shirt on. Last year is when I noticed his breasts getting bigger but nothing like this. My son is not obese so that is why I am shocked at the increase in his sudden size and weight increase. I am taking him to the Doctor on Monday to have blood drawn. I am going to google steroids and see how long they stay in your system. Geez! Sorry, I use that word a lot when I would rather use an expletive. I had asked my son if he was loading up on sodium by eating a lot of salty foods when he is with his dad. My word, I could use a valium right now and crawl into bed. When that steroid subject first came up I asked my son if his dad ever gave him medicine. He said no, but he gave him funny tasting chocolate milk before bed and it made him too tired to stay awake. There was a period of time over several months that everytime my son went to stay overnight with him he brought him home violently ill. I asked my son and husband if they were eating out somewhere that would be making him sick this much.My husband said he was taking him to a Japanese restaurant regularly and I suggested maybe they were putting MSG in the food. He said he would stop taking my son there but my son said they still went but he didn’t get sick anymore from the food. The last time he brought him home sick, my son did not get out of his car until my husband walked back and gave him permission which was an odd change in their relationship because my son always just hopped out of the car and came inside the house. Periodically I notice subtle changes in their interactions that is very dominant and controlling on my husbands part. He always brags to people how he has never spanked him and he shows the face of an extremely passive person to everyone, but he was always very passive/ aggressive, manipulative and then swung into raging, screaming fits within the walls of our home with my son and I. He has an explosive temper that he has carefully hid from people. No one would ever suspect and probably wouldn’t believe it.
Kind Regards, Breach
OxDrover,
I wonder that you probably feel sick in the pit of your stomach from knowing this man. He is a horror story come to life. You are my hero for going after that creep in your living history class and for not letting up on him! Your good character and courage of convictions have probably saved many children from being wounded in the soul and walking victims. I have Anna Salter’s name written down and will get her book on children- thank you. The lawmakers in our country have made it as close to legal as possible for children to be abused sexually, physically (=sexually), emotionally, psychologically, spiritually. What are their rights outside of what the adults in their lives are in control of? They are treated as chattel in life and then in the legal system if they land there. They are bullied, manipulated, shamed, accused of being liars by attorneys defending the predator when they get them in a courtroom. Which in turn further abuses them and puts the blame on them and then suspends reality by publicly denying to the child that the incident ever occurred. It is crazy wicked!!! Before my husband did strictly bankruptcy he took all kinds of cases. I remember him telling me about doing periodic guardian ad litum work over a span of about 7 years
( probably 3 years in reality because he likes to fudge numbers). He said there was a case of 6 or 7 children, both boys and girls who had been brutally sexually abused by their father. He said the kids missed and loved their father and wanted to go back home and that is exactly what he and the judge recommended because its what the kids wanted and there was no fixing them. That made me sick. I should check out statistics and Illinois laws on child abuse cases. I just wonder if this state is lenient on child sex offenders compared to other states.
Then, when I was taking classes for foster parenting years ago I remember there was a couple who couldn’t ask enough questions about how they could specifically “punish”the children who would eventually be placed in their home. There was a female couple that sat next to me during these parenting classes and we exchanged a lot of eye rolling over this couple obssessed with punishing. I finally had enough at one of the meetings and stood up and said, “Look, structure, a secure loving environment and discipline are the most important things we need to know to address the needs of these children, but if all you are interested in are clever ways to punish and subdue them, then why are you here?” Listening to these people made me wonder why the instructor didn’t send them out the door. I have often wondered if the children placed with them didn’t come out of a bad situation into a worse one. I was very upset by these people and you could see the meaness in their eyes and on their faces. As far as I believe the system has low expectations of who qualifies as caretakers. This is another area I strongly believe they should have mandatory laws for psychological screening before any child is handed over to someone. Maybe that is the doorway and starting point for you , Donna, Dr. Leedom and so many others to get some laws changed in family court. Go right to the starting point through the State who holds the power over so many childrens lives and these law changes will benefit the general public and spill out into the courts.
Dear Breach,
I am no “hero” by any stretch of the imagination, I am just a stubborn old woman who is willing to get into a dog fight if I have to if it is a question of any kind of abuse—of children, animals or elderly. I have fought the “Adult protective services” in my county because unless you could show the social worker that the family was setting fire to the bed of the invalid AT THE TIME SHE WAS THERE, they would not do jack squat. I have also fought judges as well, and sometimes I won, sometimes not.
Life isn’t fair, there are plenty of mean selfish people out there who will take advantage of the young, the helpless and the elderly. That’s just the way it is. Sometimes you can help, and sometimes not. I sort of have a “thing” about child abusers, and also drunk drivers…I think crucifiction and leaving their bodies to hang for the crows to eat is the proper sentence for FIRST OFFENSE. Second offense, you get TOUGH! I am a big proponent of “3 strikes you are out” laws that put repeat serious criminals behind bars for life…No Parole.
Arkansas just passed a law that single people who are living together and not married can’t adopt chldren or be foster parents, and gays can’t adopt or be foster parents. There is a big foster care crisis here now, as in most places.
“Family Services” in most states is a JOKE. It depresses me to think about all the kids in need of services, the molesters and the child abusers and the just plain “poor parents” who verbally abuse their kids or crush their spirits.
I wish you and your son Breach all the luckk and blessings of God in your situation. (((hugs))))
OxDrover,
Thank you for the prayers and encouragement. I feel like I am having better days and getting stronger in spirit, so those prayers are helping.
Your mother has missed the point of what a blessing it is to have you as a daughter. Does she not know you are the daughter of a King (our Savior), and are therefore a Princess. As the children of a King we are all held to a higher standard in order to glorify and not shame our Father. Would she address a King, President or Dignitary the way she has spoken and treated you? Probably never! I think this is where our society has missed the mark. Our children. Why then should strangers and the world outside our doors ever get our best and the people who love us the most (usually our children) get the leftovers or anything contemptuous? That mask you describe so well will serve as nothing for them in the end. It is our loved ones we should always impress with open arms. Our best china, freshest linens, best cooked meals, our time, our wisdom and experiences…our LOVE is the riches we shower upon our children. I would rather snap at a stranger than my children. Strangers don’t care about us but our children love us and can be easily wounded by our words and actions. I don’t mean I am callously going out and being rude to people. It’s just that the most important people we are ever going to meet in our lives, for better or worse are our children. If you don’t have children it could be your mate, a parent or sibling. The pwerful bond of love and loyalty that can be created if people are only willing is unrivaled. Your mom has missed it all, your one son threw it away and can never get it back. It is overwhelming and tragic that they have lost you and they seem not to be the least bit aware of this monumental loss to their lives. Without you in their lives it will never be as good as it could have been and it appears they continue on blindly. We have these painful moments of awareness constantly about our shortcomings and weaknessess. Do these people ever stop and do personal inventory? If they do I wonder what could be their thought process other than finding justification for everything. It seems they derive great pleasure in pointing out our less than perfect lives usually in a cruel and swift manner. When is there going to come a time when they own and admit their shortcomings? Probably never. The bible speaks of the end days and the fierce generations who call evil good and good evil. Mother will turn against daughter, sons against fathers and vice versa. It is what we are witnessing here and now my friend. It is God calling His people to come out from amongst them. He is separating the wheat from the chaffe, the sheep from the goats and preparing us for the persecution. Damn it, it’s painful to love those whom hate you and to have to keep them at bay because they have proved time and again your destruction holds the key to their pleasure.
Malachi Martin wrote the book:Hostage to the Devil: The possession and exorcism of 5 contemporary Americans. It is a book you can’t put down once you begin it, but he describes all the behaviors of Psychopathy without realizing it I believe because it is written from a spiritual perspective. I read this after reading M.Scott Peck’s;People of the Lie. Which, Peck knew they were psychopaths but thought it went into the spiritual aspect. Many of the people here that are of the Baby Boomer generation probably read Pierre Teilhard de Chardin in the sixties. I think he was a mix of New Age Mysticism, Religion and Existensialism which is why he got censored from the church. He did make Sartre and de Beauvoir sound like babes in my opinion (weren’t they avowed athiest?), but there is one story in the Hostage book that strongly infers de Chardin’s teachings and core beliefs contributed to one Jesuit priests possession. It is strange to read the process of decline into the sifting and killing of ones conscience step by tiny step. If you haven’t read these I highly recommend them. I think Peck’s, People of the Lie is his best work and dealing with the cases of psychopathy is what lead him to begin exploring the spiritual side of this condition.
I have to stop writing these windy posts. I am so used to journaling that I get carried away. Sorry, OxDrover I didn’t intend to write you a book!