A relationship with a sociopath occurs within the context of a person’s life. People do not stop growing and developing after adolescence. In fact, adult development is lifelong. Developmental psychologists say that early adulthood is the time that people come to grips with their needs for intimacy, love and friendship.
Once this developmental dilemma of “intimacy versus isolation” is addressed, mid life adults move on to the “generativity versus stagnation” phase. Mid life is the time when people build their lives and contribute meaningfully to society. In this phase, adults seek satisfaction through productivity in career, family, and civic interests. Generative adults create a path to meaning and purpose in their lives especially if their intimacy needs are also met.
The reference at the bottom of the page says “Generativity is an extension of love into the future. It is a concern for the next generation and all future generations. As such, it is considerably less “selfish” than the intimacy of the previous stage.”
Older adults grapple with the notion of “integrity versus despair.” Older adults often look back on their lives and assess their accomplishments in the realms of relationships and productivity. Each of us hopes to have a balance sheet that favors “integrity” and a sense of pride in a job well done.
Sociopaths derail the development of other adults in their lives. Furthermore, these developmental phases do not exist for sociopaths. Sociopaths do not care about real intimacy, productivity and integrity. They only care that their momentary needs for power and control are met. Thus they want the appearance of intimacy, the appearance of productivity and the appearance of integrity.
When you consider the impact on you, of victimization by a sociopath you have to consider how your adult development has been affected.
Were you left isolated without intimacy? Was your trust in others so destroyed that intimacy is difficult for you? Was your productivity affected? Did you lose the reputation you took much of your adult life to build? How can you still maintain a sense of integrity?
In my encounter with a sociopath, I lost much of what I had attempted to generate with my life. As a result, when I at times, ruminate and lament, my thoughts are that I wasted my talents, and allowed myself to be used to victimize others. I do not ruminate about lost love.
The impact of the lost generativity for me, was reduced by my continuing to pursue discovering a sense of purpose for my life. Although I lost many important relationships, those that remained became even more important and I resolved to work at them, especially my relationships with my children. Parental relationships are important for adults because they are intimate and productive as we nurture and mentor the next generation.
I have observed that most victims ruminate about lost love as opposed to lost productivity. It is good to remember that while intimacy and love are very important, generativity is also important. I spoke with a new friend this week, a woman in her 40s who was victimized by a con artist. During our discussion, she said that she had a hard time letting go of the sociopath because he represented the love relationship she always dreamed she would have.
My guess is that he specifically chose to victimize her because she told him of her dream of a solid intimate relationship. He knew he could “hook her” with her dream.
In mourning the loss of her dream and her present lack of intimacy, my new friend had neglected to work on the middle adult task of generativity. She has a good job but does not really feel fulfilled in that job. She has the desire for something more. Furthermore her teenagers are off to college and her parent role is changing.
I challenged her to work on generativity and consider building a greater sense of purpose and meaning in her life. She is clearly very talented and did have some good ideas for community service that would benefit both herself and her community. It is also critical to note that my new friend does work hard at keeping an exercise program and eating right.
She challenged me to think about the meaning of life. I do still hope that I will one day share life with someone special. I believe that although walking hand in hand on the beach with that special someone, enjoying the moment is important, there is more to life than that special relationship. If we find ourselves in a circumstance where romantic love is not available, we have to get satisfaction from other intimate relationships and from our life’s purpose.
My new friend gave me a valuable gift that I share with you. That is the knowledge that victims have the most time letting go when the sociopath has blocked or set back their journey toward adult development.
For more on the phases of adult development see Eric Ericson
James I hear you … the end of October would have been 10 years that I knew/met my EX. Funny how they choose Halloween to come into our space… daaaaaaaaaaa.
Peace.
My Dad used to tell me … hold judgment about anyone you meet for at least 9 months after you meet them … because everyone will put their best foot forward, best face on when you first meet … then as the months wear on … little by little their guard come down … and you will see the TRUE person behind the mask when they least expect it or think no one is paying attention because they nailed you on their first meeting… leaving everyone with that great first impression.
I always remembered these words of wisdom from my DAD for evaluating everyone I met … my only mistake, was telling my EX about my father’s wisdom before the 9 month period was up, which of course, he used that against me too… that and reading my 30-40 pages of what I liked about people and what I did not like about people (GOOD Qualities/BAD Qualities chart)… my own guide book of what I would put up with and what I refused to put up with from people (all people).
Peace.
Hello Jen2008,
I used to pine all the time. I too have as time has passed done this less and less. I had just read soo many post’s were I could almost hear the loss a twinge of yearning in some of the messages. The other day I actually sat wondering what facial expressions, body posture, tone’s of voice went with each post. I know some days I can talk and walk with confidence but my insides feel infected with self pity, grief and remorse. There is a saying I hear a lot, “fake it till you make it”. Now while I would ordinarily never condone faking anything, this dose not sound that harmful.
Some people just take longer than others for a variety of reasons…is 6 months too long to get over a 39 year dream? 6 months ago I thought of him 24/7, for several months. I would think of him while I was sleeping, the second I got up and till the very last waking moment. As time past it has dwindled. I still have my moments, but for the most part as I have read many times on this blog…”The pining is for what I wanted or thought it could be not for what it was”.
Stargazer, the editor for the article I was in on domestic violence wrote “and he morphed into the devil incarnate” after I described his behavior on one occasion. After I read that description, FEAR raced through my entire being. My first thought was OMG, if he ever read this he is going to think that I said that and I didn’t. After I read that part to a friend, she said “MOLLY” that is exactly how he behaved. I felt guilty for thinking poorly of him and then REALITY hit as more of my Denial was lifted. Blackened eye’s with the death stair, bulging veins in his neck and face, clinched fists, hate full words being forced out of his mouth…sounds like the devil to me. What’s that saying “if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck it must be a duck”.
Also “I will not jump quickly into a sexual relationship again or lower my standards because I feel someone is so special that I can make an exception.” THANK YOU !!!!…NO MORE EXCEPTIONS…BUT HE”S…… fill in the blank____________. NO MORE EXCEPTIONS AND NO MORE BUT”S.
Henry…We took that glimpse and ran with it didn’t we. YOU are, WE are all worth more than just a GLIMPSE..of goodness.
Thanks James…..Now I wonder how I will answer the doctor the next time he asks me if I hear voices in my head. I guess I will have to be honest and say yes, OxDrover, Henry, Stargazer, Wini, James, Stormee, Indigoblue and about a dozen more…why do you ask?
Well, I’ve been credited for lots of things, but never being the voice in someone’s head! LOL, Molly!
Before I met the S, I had a very strict rule about married men. I never dated one and swore I never would. But the S convinced me that they were living separately (which was a lie) and that they were waiting for certain legal things to happen to file for the divorce (also a lie). After spending a few weeks as friends, I decided that in HIS case, it would be okay to date him, because he was so sincere and honest (ha ha ha). My friends loved him, and he seemed to genuinely care for me. My friends believed that 6 weeks after his divorce was final (the divorce that never happened), he would propose to me. I believed the fairy tale. He was SOOO special, he was the exception to my rule about married men. Then he claimed they finally filed the divorce papers (the biggest lie). To my knowledge they are still married and trying to defraud the army out of a lot of money. At least he is.
NEVER again! No more married men. Period. Not separated, or even newly divorced. Zippo. Zilch. Nada. Learned my lesson. And what a hard lesson it was.
molly (your insides feel infected with self pity grief and remorse) sweet heart we need take a walk and hold hands..I too hold my head up and am trying hard to carry on. Does anyone have a sense of fear in them – fear of what was in our life for so long – fear of what had us hooked? I won’t take all the blame for this – I was encountered by someone/ something Evil. I still feel uneasy about that – I dont fear him – just a stunned feeling. I know and understand they mirror us and we miss what we wanted and they pretended to be. But that is deliberate and calculated evil….. I dont pine for him – I pine for closure that I dont think I will ever get – yes this is supposed to make us stronger and wiser – but I feel like i need an excorcism to get him out of my head………other than that I am having a great day~~~~!!!!
Molly: It just goes to prove … about that romantic notion … Titanic sinking and you are going to go down to the depths of the freezing seas with your man/woman …
That its OK to JUMP SHIP … You don’t need to be a hero(ine), to go down with the likes of them.
Hey, they locked the lower class passengers in the bowels of the ship,NOW didn’t they?
Peace.
Henry, I’m just grateful that the psychos in my life only wanted to destroy my career and steal my money and hence, burn my life as I knew it.
It could have been worse, they could have escalated to murder! … Give them time, they do spin through all the cycles of sin … each one giving them bigger and better thrills.
Hey, anyone wonder why none of them are locked up in prison? Tells you how far our society has fallen into the depth of fools running our country. Fools despise wisdom … remember that.
Peace.
Molly, I think everyone is different in the grieving process. I just think I went through alot of the grief/longing for what was or what I thought he was,( but was not), process before I ever totally got away from my P. Then when I did get away from him, it was mainly relief that was left.
Henry, You asked about fear. I am more frightened of my P NOW (when I allow myself to really think about him with any depth to the thought) that I am away from him than I was when I was with him (even during the stalking/threatening stage). I think it is because I was so numb then that alot of the stuff just wasn’t registering with me as to the depths of danger. Now that emotions are coming back (to me) and I look back on it all, I think HOLY S**T!
I don’t take the blame for any of his horrible behavior. However, I do take the blame (not in the sense of beating myself up), but in the sense of trying to figure out why I didn’t get out of the relationship immediately at the first signs of trouble, when it would not have been as difficult or complicated to do so. If I don’t at least look at my own behavior and try to figure out what motivated me, then I think I would be in danger of a wash and repeat type relationship with someone else (although it is unimaginable to me that I could run across another person as devious and cruel and psychopathic as the ex), but ya never know.
But to clear up my feelings on the subject, I do understand those in the process of trying to decide to get out of the relationship, or those freshly out, pining and mourning and also the indecision (hopefulness that maybe you are wrong about the person) and then also the pain of realizing this person you were involved with and gave your heart to is nothing short of a monster. And I understand the need to talk about the feelings and pain, and I think this blog is a great place to work out those feelings with people who understand and have been there.
I love that Henry …yes, that’s it an Exorcism.
Back to Doc Liane’s orig post: It made me think…I never recall a moment when I was a little girl saying to my self…when I grow up I want to find a man who will laugh and discourage me from all that I believe in. He will keep me from helping others under the guise of “keeping me safe”. He will some how convince me that hoarding things we can not eat or use at auctions is better than paying his back tax’s. That my using my productivity in ways to help others was only setting myself up to be used. That sex was a 3 letter word for intimacy. That balance sheets did not exist…because if you had to list even one thing on the other side you were a looser, you somehow let someone get the best of you, you somehow let them catch you off guard. Be in control at all times, only give if you will get, but do not give more than you will get in return.
Doc Liane, I wrote down all the positive word’s in your post on a sheet of paper…..integrity, intimacy, love, friendship, purpose, special, fulfilled, meaning, community service, generativity. Then I wrote the negative words on the other half, con artist, victimized, isolation, stagnation, despair, power, control, destroy. The first set is what I always dreamed of in regards to traits of the man I dreamed of, the second is what I thought I would have steered clear of…but exactly the traits my EX possessed. I felt sad as I placed my EX’s name on one side of the paper and proud that I could place my name on the other…I’ll let each of you guess who’s name went where.
As for reputation…some of my friends did originally ask…what were you thinking, why would you even want to associate with someone like this let alone convince yourself that you are in love with him. Then through the grace of God, did I continue to get their acceptance as they knew his values were not mine. They knew I only wanted to share my view of the world in hopes that he would “jump over” to the other side and indeed…”live happily ever after”.
JEN2008: Could it possibly be due to all the anti-social’s writing children books and nursery rhymes … we read as kids … kiss that frog and turn it into a prince … oh, the ways the anti-socials have manipulated our minds …
Look at the media and how they tell people how they should look, how much you should weigh, not weigh, what we should wear, drive, house to buy, what careers we should pursue … oh, and give us your money and get that college degree or you are nothing … NOTHING, you won’t get anywhere, won’t be anything … blue collar/white collar/this collar, that collar … blah, blah, blah, blah… should I go on all the subliminal messages given out by wall streeters backing all the ad execs … and now look at the bailout … tell you something about how this country went down the toilet … no wonder the world hates the U.S. That’s US!
Get down to basics and read the Bible…Pick it up and open the book and read it … that’s how we are suppose to live, not what some suit tells us how to live …
Don’t have a Bible … look on the net (it’s FREE) … it’s printed in every version, every language … it’s the most popular book in the world … the most printed, the most published, the most bought!
Just unwrap your mind from the conditioning that this money hungry society has done … and you will survive.
Peace.