A relationship with a sociopath occurs within the context of a person’s life. People do not stop growing and developing after adolescence. In fact, adult development is lifelong. Developmental psychologists say that early adulthood is the time that people come to grips with their needs for intimacy, love and friendship.
Once this developmental dilemma of “intimacy versus isolation” is addressed, mid life adults move on to the “generativity versus stagnation” phase. Mid life is the time when people build their lives and contribute meaningfully to society. In this phase, adults seek satisfaction through productivity in career, family, and civic interests. Generative adults create a path to meaning and purpose in their lives especially if their intimacy needs are also met.
The reference at the bottom of the page says “Generativity is an extension of love into the future. It is a concern for the next generation and all future generations. As such, it is considerably less “selfish” than the intimacy of the previous stage.”
Older adults grapple with the notion of “integrity versus despair.” Older adults often look back on their lives and assess their accomplishments in the realms of relationships and productivity. Each of us hopes to have a balance sheet that favors “integrity” and a sense of pride in a job well done.
Sociopaths derail the development of other adults in their lives. Furthermore, these developmental phases do not exist for sociopaths. Sociopaths do not care about real intimacy, productivity and integrity. They only care that their momentary needs for power and control are met. Thus they want the appearance of intimacy, the appearance of productivity and the appearance of integrity.
When you consider the impact on you, of victimization by a sociopath you have to consider how your adult development has been affected.
Were you left isolated without intimacy? Was your trust in others so destroyed that intimacy is difficult for you? Was your productivity affected? Did you lose the reputation you took much of your adult life to build? How can you still maintain a sense of integrity?
In my encounter with a sociopath, I lost much of what I had attempted to generate with my life. As a result, when I at times, ruminate and lament, my thoughts are that I wasted my talents, and allowed myself to be used to victimize others. I do not ruminate about lost love.
The impact of the lost generativity for me, was reduced by my continuing to pursue discovering a sense of purpose for my life. Although I lost many important relationships, those that remained became even more important and I resolved to work at them, especially my relationships with my children. Parental relationships are important for adults because they are intimate and productive as we nurture and mentor the next generation.
I have observed that most victims ruminate about lost love as opposed to lost productivity. It is good to remember that while intimacy and love are very important, generativity is also important. I spoke with a new friend this week, a woman in her 40s who was victimized by a con artist. During our discussion, she said that she had a hard time letting go of the sociopath because he represented the love relationship she always dreamed she would have.
My guess is that he specifically chose to victimize her because she told him of her dream of a solid intimate relationship. He knew he could “hook her” with her dream.
In mourning the loss of her dream and her present lack of intimacy, my new friend had neglected to work on the middle adult task of generativity. She has a good job but does not really feel fulfilled in that job. She has the desire for something more. Furthermore her teenagers are off to college and her parent role is changing.
I challenged her to work on generativity and consider building a greater sense of purpose and meaning in her life. She is clearly very talented and did have some good ideas for community service that would benefit both herself and her community. It is also critical to note that my new friend does work hard at keeping an exercise program and eating right.
She challenged me to think about the meaning of life. I do still hope that I will one day share life with someone special. I believe that although walking hand in hand on the beach with that special someone, enjoying the moment is important, there is more to life than that special relationship. If we find ourselves in a circumstance where romantic love is not available, we have to get satisfaction from other intimate relationships and from our life’s purpose.
My new friend gave me a valuable gift that I share with you. That is the knowledge that victims have the most time letting go when the sociopath has blocked or set back their journey toward adult development.
For more on the phases of adult development see Eric Ericson
BloggerT7165
If you go to my site (link is on the left side of this blog -What about…) and look in the archive for the post on Emotional Memory Management you will find a good client handout article that is quite helpful for some
BloggerT7165
ooops the blogroll on the left has it as “when mom is the abuser”. Here is the link to the article http://whataboutwhenmomistheabuser.blogspot.com/2008/09/emotional-memory-management-positive.html
Ox Drover
Thanks, Blogger I will do that. I think is some ways I have had to do a “fast forward” of 40 years of “growth” in a couple of years. I “went through the motions” of my life, living the script that was written for me, and now I’ve thrown away the script and am “winging it” to become the “me” I should have been many years ago. But now I KNOW I CAN and I’m on my way.
Ox Drover
Blogger,
That’s a good article and good information that I think we should all keep in mind when our emotions start to seem to overwhelm us.
Good website, BTW, thanks!
Indigoblue
OxD
When you first Google Sociopath , The First Artical is by KIKI aniston ! thats how I got here ,Also Christian Carter is in there too , I would assume that you have read these folks???? Anyhow Aniston Is the Skillet welding Saint ! My Skillet is Cast Iron very large and very heavy! It makes this noise W H O O M P * If I need another one of those ? My ANGELS are going to Kill me :)~
James
“My Dad used to tell me ” hold judgment about anyone you meet for at least 9 months after you meet them ” because everyone will put their best foot forward, best face on when you first meet ” then as the months wear on ” little by little their guard come down ” and you will see the TRUE person behind the mask when they least expect it or think no one is paying attention because they nailed you on their first meeting” leaving everyone with that great first impression.”
Love it! mind if I use that it? Yes I believe we need to give people a change in the beginning. I mean isn’t trusting others again part of our healing progress? I believe it is.
James
I mean “A chance” 🙂
Wini
James, we are to love everyone … it’s just egos don’t believe in the knowledge of why we should love everyone … they jump over or on others to get where they want to go. Which, by the way is where? Where is it that they have to get to… and when they get there, then what?
Peace.
Wini
James: I have a friend that would always gush when she met someone that tickled her … saying to me “oh, wasn’t he/she nice, just such a nice person, blah, blah, blah, blah … and she would insist that I agree with her. I would just say “I don’t know, give me time … meaning give them time to reveal their true self”.
The rest of that story from my Dad was, if they are the same person 9 or so months after you met, then great, you met a real person … if their masks slipped … know to walk away.
He also said, decent people are far and few between. When you meet a decent person, celebrate that you were lucky enough to run across them… they are out there … you just have to know one when you see one.
The other rule he taught me was “you never call a decent man an indecent man and vice versa”.
Peace.
presseject
Hi Oxdrover, thanks for your kind words. Were you able to knock some sense into Henry yet? I hope so. It is too easy to fall back into the victim role, especially if this is one we have played in other areas of our lives going back to early childhood abuse possibly. (I am finally waking up to some harsh but amazing truths in this respect.) But I also sometimes think about what one person wrote here a while back, that we never invited this to happen to us, we aren’t “programmed ” to attract a P or an S. I think it is true, we are simply human after all, even a P is (somewhat) human, so there is certainly some amount of chance in involved in these encounters I think. But, the learning aspect of this (a disguised opportunity to grow) is the most important thing I think, the knowledge we gain and the strength this gives us…BUT only if we take that strength and learn to use it effectively. Otherwise, and it will happen from time to time, we “slip” and fall into a dark space of worry and regrets and hurt. I would like to be a bit of an example of hope to anyone reading this as I too have been down in the darkest, saddest areas with this encounter and I can tell you now, six months later, the light is shining a little brighter outside my window, there are things I am looking forward to. My heart is still bruised, but I am ok now. Single, humbled, grateful to have survived such a storm. It has taken great faith to get here. It started with the prayer to God to help me confront the S. He helped me to do that, and… He led me to a safer place. I am here to tell you this faith business WORKS! It was difficult to find this when I was Devalued and Discarded, but in that God-forsaken place, I actually was led out of it by turning to God… That was the choice I had, and still do, each and every moment. If a skillet is needed to remind one of this, please use it effectively, but please be gentle Oxdrover, as we all have some sore bruises already!
PressEject