A relationship with a sociopath occurs within the context of a person’s life. People do not stop growing and developing after adolescence. In fact, adult development is lifelong. Developmental psychologists say that early adulthood is the time that people come to grips with their needs for intimacy, love and friendship.
Once this developmental dilemma of “intimacy versus isolation” is addressed, mid life adults move on to the “generativity versus stagnation” phase. Mid life is the time when people build their lives and contribute meaningfully to society. In this phase, adults seek satisfaction through productivity in career, family, and civic interests. Generative adults create a path to meaning and purpose in their lives especially if their intimacy needs are also met.
The reference at the bottom of the page says “Generativity is an extension of love into the future. It is a concern for the next generation and all future generations. As such, it is considerably less “selfish” than the intimacy of the previous stage.”
Older adults grapple with the notion of “integrity versus despair.” Older adults often look back on their lives and assess their accomplishments in the realms of relationships and productivity. Each of us hopes to have a balance sheet that favors “integrity” and a sense of pride in a job well done.
Sociopaths derail the development of other adults in their lives. Furthermore, these developmental phases do not exist for sociopaths. Sociopaths do not care about real intimacy, productivity and integrity. They only care that their momentary needs for power and control are met. Thus they want the appearance of intimacy, the appearance of productivity and the appearance of integrity.
When you consider the impact on you, of victimization by a sociopath you have to consider how your adult development has been affected.
Were you left isolated without intimacy? Was your trust in others so destroyed that intimacy is difficult for you? Was your productivity affected? Did you lose the reputation you took much of your adult life to build? How can you still maintain a sense of integrity?
In my encounter with a sociopath, I lost much of what I had attempted to generate with my life. As a result, when I at times, ruminate and lament, my thoughts are that I wasted my talents, and allowed myself to be used to victimize others. I do not ruminate about lost love.
The impact of the lost generativity for me, was reduced by my continuing to pursue discovering a sense of purpose for my life. Although I lost many important relationships, those that remained became even more important and I resolved to work at them, especially my relationships with my children. Parental relationships are important for adults because they are intimate and productive as we nurture and mentor the next generation.
I have observed that most victims ruminate about lost love as opposed to lost productivity. It is good to remember that while intimacy and love are very important, generativity is also important. I spoke with a new friend this week, a woman in her 40s who was victimized by a con artist. During our discussion, she said that she had a hard time letting go of the sociopath because he represented the love relationship she always dreamed she would have.
My guess is that he specifically chose to victimize her because she told him of her dream of a solid intimate relationship. He knew he could “hook her” with her dream.
In mourning the loss of her dream and her present lack of intimacy, my new friend had neglected to work on the middle adult task of generativity. She has a good job but does not really feel fulfilled in that job. She has the desire for something more. Furthermore her teenagers are off to college and her parent role is changing.
I challenged her to work on generativity and consider building a greater sense of purpose and meaning in her life. She is clearly very talented and did have some good ideas for community service that would benefit both herself and her community. It is also critical to note that my new friend does work hard at keeping an exercise program and eating right.
She challenged me to think about the meaning of life. I do still hope that I will one day share life with someone special. I believe that although walking hand in hand on the beach with that special someone, enjoying the moment is important, there is more to life than that special relationship. If we find ourselves in a circumstance where romantic love is not available, we have to get satisfaction from other intimate relationships and from our life’s purpose.
My new friend gave me a valuable gift that I share with you. That is the knowledge that victims have the most time letting go when the sociopath has blocked or set back their journey toward adult development.
For more on the phases of adult development see Eric Ericson
God morning presseject: I like what the church leaders call them “trouble makers” and I like what Tolle calls them “obnoxious”.
The reason for the softer words is to remember that they too, are children of God.
Peace to your heart and soul as you and all of us heal.
Freudian slip presseject … I was thinking of God, therefore, I wrote God instead of Good morning.
Love it… for it is a Godly morning. Enjoy.
Peace.
Thanks Wini, God words or good words, these are from the heart and this is where we find our healing. Bless you too!
PressEject
OxD and Wini
And Presseject
I want to be Pummmmmmmeled full Swing no holds bar Skilleeeetttted!!!!!!
* Triple W O O M P E D *
I am needing the opposite of a skillet today, whatever that is. Maybe a hug?
I have finally given up my battle to hang onto my condo. I have mentioned this briefly before, but the mortgage is way too high compared to comparable rents in the area. It is so high, that I cannot rent the place out. I am so upside down on it that I cannot sell it. I am struggling financially trying to pay for it, and neglecting a lot of things to do so. I also just sunk in thousands of dollars on repairs/remodels this year. I have stayed in a job I don’t like for many years just to pay the bills. But the last straw came on Wednesday night when I asked some kids (nicely) not to play (and scream) right outside my window. I have a one-bedroom unit with two sliding glass doors to the patio. The patio backs onto a little greenbelt, and most people are considerate enough not to loiter in front of my bedroom and living room sliding glass doors, looking into my unit. But sometimes I have to ask.
The kids threw me an attitude and went and got their father. He came banging on my door. I was in the bathtub and couldn’t answer, so he began cussing at me at my bedroom window (sliding doors). I was undressed in my bedroom and actually pretty scared. He also threw a cigarette butt at my window. Normally, if I have an altercation with a neighbor, I take the high road and go over and apologize and try to compromise. But this guy really scared me, and his behaviors were bordering on criminal harassment (I filed a police report), though I don’t know which unit he lives in.
This used to be a really nice neighborhood when I moved in, but it’s turning into a ghetto with all the renters and foreclosures. My first condo was in a ghetto, and I know all about the entitled ghetto mentality. It is my sign to get out. I am on the ground floor and cannot live where I do not feel safe in my own home.
I have used my entire savings to fix this place up. When I walk away, I will lose everything–including my pristine credit which I’ve worked so hard to build. I just cannot stay here any longer waiting for the market to turn around. I don’t know where I will go or what I will do. But I know I need to do something different in order to make a change.
For me, it is NOT the a sociopath who sabotaged my financial stability–it is my own poor financial decisions.
Thanks for letting me vent. Sorry to go off topic.
bloggerT7165,
Thank you for that article!!!!!!!!!!!thank you thank you thank you. I have been pulling out the same damn file hoping that if I look at it differently, maybe I will feel better. Or maybe if I keep looking at it I will become desenstized to it! Well guess what? It’s been 7 months, and I am not desensitized to it yet. I haven’t gotten the results I want by looking at it! Thank you for that article. It can’t change now. The feelings are there. Thank you
Dear Bird, I think it was Albert Einstein who said “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”—I know I HAVE BEEN ‘INSANE’ by that definition, but I am trying some NEW THINGS NOW and getting much better results. LOL Amazing, isn’t it!@....... LOL
((((Stargazer))))))
here is your hug, sweetie!!! Recognizing that we are in a state (financial or emotional or whatever) that we are not going to succeed in overcoming is the first step to changing our directions.
When I finally realized I had to give up trying to stay in my home and run for my life, it was a hard decision cause I could at that time SEE NO WAY I could ever return, or if I did it would be YEARS most likely.
Leaving, and all the expenses that it entailed (I bought an RV 5th wheel trailer big enough to live in full time, not just camp out) and that cost a pot of money, and of course now with gas prices up, the value of the RV is DOWN, so can’t sell it, will just keep it and use it for other housing here. (My son and his cats will move into it when he moves back home as my dog and his house cats wouldn’t get along at all.)
So,because of a decrease in the economy my 401K funds are half “gone” and no interest is being paid on money in CDs so that decreases my income to the point of about none….so every month I go in the hole a bit. That means buying only essential things, essential travel, and economy. But you know what, I am where I am because of the decisions I made, and I have started over from SCRATCH at least twice in my life. AFter my divorce my sons and I were living in our pick up truck camper literally with the clothes on our backs due to my P- father in law’s antics with my husband’s and my property division. I made it then, and I will make it now. And, so will you. It will be difficult, I won’t tell you it won’t, and I think you should look at your options of what is out there for you. Look at what you WANT and look at what is POSSIBLE. Sometimes they are not the same thing. LOL
After my divorce, I decided to change careers and I went back to college, with a kid on each hip. I found a house to rent in the country that was definitely a “fixer upper” and bargained with the owner to let me live there for the same rent until I got out of school, and told him I would fix it up if he’d supply any big materials but I would supply paint etc. It worked fine.
I applied for financial aid, and loans, and got them, enrolled back in college where I had dropped out years before after one year. shopped junk stores for enough furniture to keep our butts off the floor, and eventually got back some of my furniture from the divorce settlement, but I made it.
I formed a new network of friends (I had changed towns) of other single parents and we supported and helped each other with our baby sitting etc. We bartered our services to each oather, and a friend and I started a house cleaning service together and we cleaned houses between classes. I planted a garden for vegetables in the yard of the house and made it. I kept two kids dressed and fed, and myself in school. You can make it too.
I guess part of it is that I inherited some of my grandparent’s ideas about how to live during a “depression”—use it up, make it do, wear it out. Even when I had a nice income when I was working, I shopped resale consignment stores and Good will for most of my clothing.
I would suggest that you call your mortgage company and speak with one of the executives and find out how to handle the situation to best advantage for your credit history. There is that way, and then there is just the stay there and not pay a dime until they legally throw you out (and save the money each month tht you would have paid to them) It usually takes 3-6 months of non payment for them to get you out so you can save that money for a “new start” to rent another apartment.
You also might want to have a garage sale or list things on craig’s list to sell as much “stuff” as you can and the lighter you can travel the cheaper you can travel (move). It costs to move stuff and is a big inconvenience.
When my son packed to take off to the other state afte rhis wife tried to kill him, he took WAYYY too much stuff and had to store it when he moved in as a room mate with an old friend. He is coming home before Christmas and I told him to get rid of it all, bring his tools, his computer and his clothes and get rid of the rest, and he is. When he moves back into his house we can replace the furniture at the local auction for next to nothing. For over a year and a half he has paid 80$ a month for storage for this stuff, AND he rented a big truck to haul it and has loaded and unloaded and moved it twice and is now getting rid of it. DUH! So pare down to as little stuff as you can. The less things (stuff) you have to move and contend with, the more options you have. Sometimes this means giving up some pets I took a little dog that a friend of mine had and couldn’t afford to feed and take to the vet, and I know she loved him, but she knew I would give him a good home. Her x husband who is a P is getting out of prison soon and will come looking for her and she needs to travel light and with as little expense as she can because her income is VERY limited. I told her she could come here but the last I heard she had moved in with her sister and I hope the two of them can make it okay. I am sure that she will call me if she needs a place to go. She had a paid for place to live, but on her very limited income she couldn’t afford to heat it and buy food etc. much less feed a dog or get him shots.
So sometimes these decisions are pretty critical in what we want vs what is possible. I think she made a good decision to leave where she was living. She had paid too much for it, and she had used up all her savings trying to heat it (no insulation) and the location was known to her X, so that was a financial decision she had to “cut her losses” and move on for her own protection.
Good luck Stargazer (((((hugs))))))
Hi everyone…I just found this site and have found it very helpful…have been reading through a lot of the posts; it has been comforting to see that others are going through or have gone through their lives turned upside down by an S…I think I have just figured out my ex was an S (although he has bordeline and paranoid behaviors too) because of the utter lack of empathy and remorse. I haven’t posted my story here yet but about 3 months ago right after my ex (we are in the process of a divorce) and I’s daughter was born, he told me and my other daughters to leave, and that if I couldn’t handle raising the baby that his family would take care of her. He told me to go home (this meant the east coast where I was from originally), that I needed to start over and that it was over. He then said that his father would be handling it all from there on in! I was served with divorce papers by his father a week later. Things came to a head when he had a rage episode when I returned from the hospital and I stood up to him; he had said things such as that if my other daughters did not behave that he would take their kittens out in the woods and kill them! Anyhow, he apologized profusely the next day (after spending the night getting drunk) and begged for forgiveness while offering to go to counseling. He then took it back and said it wouldn’t do any good and that it would take a miracle for ME to change as much as was necessary to make the relationship work.
Anyhow, we did leave after being harassed by the father and now are trying to resettle. I have heard nothing from my soon to be exhusband even though we have a baby together. It is as if we do not exist. Meanwhile, we are going through the divorce process. The hardest part is that I can still not wrap my mind around how he could be so heartless and just discard all of us as if we are garbage. He thought he was being ‘generous’ by offering to take the baby. The lack of closure and lack of explanation is extremely difficult to accept. The bizarre thing is that he was there at the birth and was wonderful, although someone said to me that he was “acting” wonderfully, that it was just a shallow farce.
Anyhow, sorry this post was so long!
Oxy, thanks. I needed that.
Maniatissa,
Welcome to the site. If your ex is in fact sociopathic, then what happened to you is the classic “discard”. We’ve all experienced it to some extent or other because these people can only bond with you when they can control you. Once you are of no use, you don’t exist. I’m so sorry you are going through this, especially with a young baby. I think you will find good information and extraordinarily compassionate people here to talk with. And BTW, your posts can be as long as you want.
Warmly,
StarG