A relationship with a sociopath occurs within the context of a person’s life. People do not stop growing and developing after adolescence. In fact, adult development is lifelong. Developmental psychologists say that early adulthood is the time that people come to grips with their needs for intimacy, love and friendship.
Once this developmental dilemma of “intimacy versus isolation” is addressed, mid life adults move on to the “generativity versus stagnation” phase. Mid life is the time when people build their lives and contribute meaningfully to society. In this phase, adults seek satisfaction through productivity in career, family, and civic interests. Generative adults create a path to meaning and purpose in their lives especially if their intimacy needs are also met.
The reference at the bottom of the page says “Generativity is an extension of love into the future. It is a concern for the next generation and all future generations. As such, it is considerably less “selfish” than the intimacy of the previous stage.”
Older adults grapple with the notion of “integrity versus despair.” Older adults often look back on their lives and assess their accomplishments in the realms of relationships and productivity. Each of us hopes to have a balance sheet that favors “integrity” and a sense of pride in a job well done.
Sociopaths derail the development of other adults in their lives. Furthermore, these developmental phases do not exist for sociopaths. Sociopaths do not care about real intimacy, productivity and integrity. They only care that their momentary needs for power and control are met. Thus they want the appearance of intimacy, the appearance of productivity and the appearance of integrity.
When you consider the impact on you, of victimization by a sociopath you have to consider how your adult development has been affected.
Were you left isolated without intimacy? Was your trust in others so destroyed that intimacy is difficult for you? Was your productivity affected? Did you lose the reputation you took much of your adult life to build? How can you still maintain a sense of integrity?
In my encounter with a sociopath, I lost much of what I had attempted to generate with my life. As a result, when I at times, ruminate and lament, my thoughts are that I wasted my talents, and allowed myself to be used to victimize others. I do not ruminate about lost love.
The impact of the lost generativity for me, was reduced by my continuing to pursue discovering a sense of purpose for my life. Although I lost many important relationships, those that remained became even more important and I resolved to work at them, especially my relationships with my children. Parental relationships are important for adults because they are intimate and productive as we nurture and mentor the next generation.
I have observed that most victims ruminate about lost love as opposed to lost productivity. It is good to remember that while intimacy and love are very important, generativity is also important. I spoke with a new friend this week, a woman in her 40s who was victimized by a con artist. During our discussion, she said that she had a hard time letting go of the sociopath because he represented the love relationship she always dreamed she would have.
My guess is that he specifically chose to victimize her because she told him of her dream of a solid intimate relationship. He knew he could “hook her” with her dream.
In mourning the loss of her dream and her present lack of intimacy, my new friend had neglected to work on the middle adult task of generativity. She has a good job but does not really feel fulfilled in that job. She has the desire for something more. Furthermore her teenagers are off to college and her parent role is changing.
I challenged her to work on generativity and consider building a greater sense of purpose and meaning in her life. She is clearly very talented and did have some good ideas for community service that would benefit both herself and her community. It is also critical to note that my new friend does work hard at keeping an exercise program and eating right.
She challenged me to think about the meaning of life. I do still hope that I will one day share life with someone special. I believe that although walking hand in hand on the beach with that special someone, enjoying the moment is important, there is more to life than that special relationship. If we find ourselves in a circumstance where romantic love is not available, we have to get satisfaction from other intimate relationships and from our life’s purpose.
My new friend gave me a valuable gift that I share with you. That is the knowledge that victims have the most time letting go when the sociopath has blocked or set back their journey toward adult development.
For more on the phases of adult development see Eric Ericson
BTW, I have already put in the call to my mortgage company. I will see if they’ll let me do a short sale and at least get a few months of free “rent”. I have no idea where I’ll go or what I’ll do. But change seems important right now. If I just stop paying the mortgage and go into foreclosure, I will probably end up filing bankruptcy down the line. I’ve done this once and don’t want to do it again. The thing that hurts the most is my credit. I’ve worked so hard for almost 20 years to have great credit. It’s all I have to show for the last 15 years of being a homeowner.
Dear Maniatissa,
Welcome to Love Fraud, it is a healing place, and your X sounds to me like he definitely “qualifies” so you are at HOME here. This is a safe place to read, learn and vent if you need to. There are plenty of good folks here with lots of good articles and information.
Knowledge is power, so learn. Read all the articles you have time to read, and post when ever and as long as you need to. It will help you toward healing.
Basicly, I think you have been blessed by God that this man has not contacted you, and that with him OUT OF YOUR LIFE, you are much better off. NO CONTACT, that means not talking to him at all unless required to by the courts, is the BEST way to deal with these people and if he doesn’t want to pay child support, GREAT! Whatever money you would get, he will make you “pay back” in BLOOD and PAIN. After enough time has gone by and you and your girls and your baby are recovered from this trauma, then maybe you can get your child declared “abandoned” by him and get any legal right he has to mess with the child LEGALLY GONE.
Your child will be much better off without him in their lives. They do not, cannot love a child, or nuture a child, but instead they use their own children as clubs to bash away at the other parent, and also for “control” and “ownership” of the child, not love. They are incapable of love.
Welcome, and come here frequently. It is a good place. God Bless.
Hi Oxy and LF gang. How you doing? I see alot more people joining LF, more predators coming to light. Mysticmud and I will be meeting up in the flesh soon. I am changing from cable TV to dish, so will loose internet access till I arrange a phone line. Good to see some familiar names here. Love to you all.
Oh dear Stargazer. I really feel for you. After years of hard work back in the mid 1990s, I made a property mistake and ended up losing loads of money, and then started from scratch again, doing jobs I didnt like, and situations that didnt fit and now moving to an area where there are a fair few anti socials, some of whom target me, if I cross them. Could you rent out your place and move somewhere else? Sometimes, we find ourselves in a series of ‘moves’, like the domino effect. I have since learned to make better choices in situations where I have to stay for an amount of time.
Hope my little vent session didn’t come off as a “pity play” like our exes have all done. I just needed to talk.
Beverly, the only way I could rent it out is if the bank lowered the interest significantly. It’s always a possibility. Also, I have very little savings left in case the tenant misses rent payments or trashes the place. I’m really at a loss here. I have made some terrible business mistakes, but really who knew the market would take a downturn the year after I bought my place? At 48, I had intended to have some sense of financial stability by now. It is really scary to have to start all over again. I don’t even know what I will do for a living. The massage business is not extremely lucrative unless I do enough massages a week to give me permanent arthritis. It also really hurts to have no family to lean on. I refuse to give up my animals and few nice things I own. I really need to be in therapy but do not have any expendable income for it right now. I’m just upset right now and not seeing a way out.
I wonder sometimes why my P would have targeted someone who is poor as a church mouse. It must have been purely for the sex. Maybe he had another sugar momma lined up to live with too.
Hi Stargazer,
Thanks for your comment. I think you are exactly right in that I was ‘discarded’ (along with my children) when he realized that I wasn’t going to play the game anymore and that he NEEDED to get into counseling (which he offered by the way). His father had been extremely controlling of him his whole life and essentially forbid his son to go into counseling (there is a big inheritance at stake). I came across a correspondence of my ex’s which basically said he was interested in ‘the child’ as long as it didn’t cost his family by way of a legal battle.
I have been reading the recent posts about others’ financial situations and I am definitely at a disadvantage now especially with an infant at home; my ex and I had planned on me staying home for the first year so here I am out of the blue looking for a job to support us all (I am a teacher and this is the worst possible time of the year to be looking for work!)
Anyhow, I think it is the emotional havoc that I have been left to live in that most everything seem more difficult…
Dear Stargazer,
The only thing you can do is to see what your options are, and starting with the mortgage company and sitting down with them. With the market in the slump it is in, they might be more willing to ‘deal with’ you for a lower interest rate rather than have ANOTHER empty building sitting there, or go to the expense of having you living there and them having to have you thrown out (expensive for them) so you are actually not intoo bad a bargaining position given the state of things right now and no property moving. They do know your credit is good and that you aren’t a “fly by night’ person, so possibly they’ll deal.
“Don’t borrow trouble”—in other words, don’t worry about “what ifs’ until you find out what that one option is. Then take that information and see what is what you want versus what is possible.
you are a tough cookie and a survivor, so keep your chin up, think positive and “TOWANDA!!”
((((((bEVERLY))))))
Dear bevie!!! I have missed you so much, glad you and mystic are meeting, that will be awesome! i hope you are well, things around here are doing great and i just found out a few days ago that son C is moving home fom out of state and his brother and i are dancing on air! he will be home to stay before Christmas this year! keep in touch when you can, dear! your voice is so comforting to so many people. love oxy
maniatissa,
Welcome to the club. I was discarded at 6 months pregnant. It’s a real b&*tch. My ex sociopath also promised me the whole not working for a year thing. You can’t trust any thing they say. I am so sorry you don’t have a job and you have to go through a divorce with the S! I was a sinner and I wasn’t married, but thank god (I think he was looking out for me on that one). Stay in touch Maniatissa, there are a lot of people here who know what they are talking about. Any questions you have, someone will have the answer.
The first thing I did is I went to the womens shelter. I talked to a counselor and I got a name of a lawyer who has worked with women from the shelter. I then interviewed the lawyers. I only took the lawyer who said she has gone against sociopaths in custody disputes. If your lawyer doesn’t have this experience, I suggest finding someone who does.
Oxy. I missed you too. So glad that things are going well for you – you so deserve that. When my internet is cut off this month I will try and log onto other people’s computers to see how you all are. I hope you are looking after Henry!!! Love to you.