By | December 24, 2008 32 Comments

Overcoming Evil, Tragedy and Fear

Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.

It’s Christmas Eve and I am full of gratitude today. I witnessed evil first hand as my father, a sociopath, murdered at least four (4) people and destroyed countless lives. It almost doesn’t make sense that I could be so happy and peaceful today, but it is a fact for me. I do not ask or need others to believe what I believe; I only share my personal experience.

It is Faith that changed my life. I came to a place, a way of thinking, that was just too painful to live with so I made a decision to try something different. I prayed for help, for truth and understanding.

It took me years of physical illnesses and drug and alcohol abuse to finally believe that maybe there was a power greater than me after all, so I asked for help. I was told that Faith was the opposite of Fear and I was tired of living in fear so I tried it. I just didn’t see a down side to trying this Faith thing. I asked for protection and I received it. Now I know that Fear and Faith cannot be practiced at the same time. These are miracles that happened in my life.

It wasn’t easy. My father was my original higher power and he taught me that faith in God was a weakness. Now I know different. It takes great courage to have faith when faced with circumstances that come from being the victim of a sociopath. All I could see was evil.

Today I am married with a beautiful thirteen year old daughter. My family is happy, peaceful, loving and caring. We are involved in community service, feed the homeless and give back as a family.

It all began to change with a simple prayer that had a glimmer of hope. The rest came from a power greater than me. I am grateful for all of you that have commented on my story and thank you for helping me. That is what lovefraud does”¦it provides a place where people can share their experiences and help each other heal. It turns Fear into Faith. Now that’s a Miracle. Peace to all of you and Merry Christmas.

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Travis, I can so identify with your post about faith and how it has changed your life. Your blogs have been very inspirational to me. I’m so happy you have found peace and happiness after the experience with your P Father. Merry Christmas!

Ox Drover

Thanks, Travis!

So well put! It is amazing what faith can do.


I just happened upon this site last night while looking up some other information. Just thought I would vent a little if none of you mind…

I ran into a relationship about nine years ago and it is still nawing at my mind even though the person that attack me has died since then.

I met her at an Applebee’s Bar and Grill she was a waitress. Our eyes made contact and from that point on there was a relationship. She had two children a boy 5 and a girl 3.

She ended up being a monster from hell…Every month for four months she kept coming up with different strange and odd behaviors and actions, from telling me she had herpes to telling me she had thoughts of molesting her little boy.

Her sister had mentioned to me that she had spent time in a mental facility for depression, but for gods sake this girl was a complete and total mess up. I finally got away from this girl and did not catch anything Thank God. She attempted to have me caught up in a common law marriage scheme that the judge saw threw as well as my lawyer. It wound up costing me around $1200.00 for the lawyer but it was well worth it.

I found out just about 9 months ago from her sister, which I think may be sane, that she died of a heart attack. Now, I don’t know if this is true or not and this sound God awful but I almost wish she has past own. At least she would not be doing to some one else what she did to me. She might have killed someone before it was over with if this had not happened to her….( I am sorry to say…..).

And she did a great deal more than what I am writing about this is just the highlights. I sometimes wonder if I am some kind of magnet for these types of people or what I consider myself a very intelligent well rounded individual, I just don’t understand it…I haven’t been in a relationship since then…

They say men do this more than women and that may be true but, women can be sociopaths too. And don’t get me wrong I think there are a lot of beautiful and gifted women out there, but this girl was not one of them.

Thanks for reading and be careful out there!!!!!!!




Welcome Jim and thanks for sharing your story with us. Yes it is stated that most are men but there is also female out there that are just as dangerous that can and may do us all great harm and grief. So again welcome and thanks for sharing! 🙂


Welcome to the club, Jim. Sorry you are a member (to quote another member here). Yes, women can most definitely be psychopaths, and there are many men here to prove it who have been involved with these women. Usually, when people come here, they start reading. Things start making sense and adding up. I hope this site can help you put 2 and 2 together and realize what happened to you. I really feel sorry for this woman’s poor children that she wanted to molest.


Jim: I’d go on line to the newspaper in her home town and put her name in the obituary section … just to see if sister dear is telling you the truth! At least you would find out the truth if she has indeed past on … cause if not, they can be like gum on your shoes … can’t quit get the stuff off.



I hope this doesn’t double post, I think I lost my original. Did any of you see or read about the Christmas massacre that happened out in California (I think that’s where it was)? It was the story of the guy who went to his ex in=laws’ house on a killing spree, then killed himself. Any way, the picture of this guy just freaked me out. He was almost a dead ringer of my ex s. What scared me the most, was this guy’s eyes. Once I looked at them I couldn’t stop looking. The sheer evil, emptiness, & coldness just jumped out at me. I thought, OMG, this is how my ex’s eyes looked, when I actually saw him for what he truly was. How the f**k could I have missed that?! If the eyes are the windows to the soul, how can they (s,’s), mask them so well? I’ve only seen one other set of eyes besides that picture & my ex.’s that chilled me to my soul, & those belonged to Charles Manson. My God, how could we not all have seen that? It’s unfathomable to me, how a “human being” can hide something like this from us, & the rest of the world. Did any of you see this guy’s picture, & get the same feeling, or am I nuts?

Ox Drover

Dear Stiles,

No, you are not “nuts”—-THAT LOOK has been described many times and it is like looking into the “eyes of satan” himself. I have seen it only on Charlie Manson (that famous photo of him looking directly at the camera) and my P-father’s face, my P-son’s face, and my mother’s face when I caught her in a lie (I had actually seen it other times on her face even when I was a kid when she was rabidly mad, but for some reason she couldn’t respond until later because of some situation or other).

I just call it THE LOOK. The Manson look, as that famous picture does seem to be a great example that many people have seen, seems to be a great pictoral example of THE LOOK.

What “clued me in” on my P-son was the last time I visited him in prison, my adopted son and I were there with him and he was frustrated because he was giving me some speech about “Mom, what would Jesus do?” and I wasn’t falling for it and INSTANTLY he got THE LOOK, and started bragging about how horrible his crime (murder) was and h ow much worse it was than even the cops knew—and I guess he dropped his mask out of frustration and I LOOKED DIRECTLY INTO THE EYES OF SATAN, and then, just as SUDDENLY as the mask had dropped, it came up again, the look was gone and he was saying “But mom, what would Jesus do?” I felt like I had had a bucket of ice water poured over my head, and so did my adopted son. I had seen THE LOOK before on his face, but never such a SUDDEN change from one to the other, from THE LOOK to the benign and sweet, pleading face. Sheesh, it was SCARY, and I almost felt if there had not been a glass between us he might have tried to come at me. He was really frustrated at not getting what he wanted with the pleading and “rational” (he thought) con he was trying to pull. I wasn’t letting him control my every thought. I wasn’t buying it.

I sometimes think that I actually LOOKED INTO HIS SOUL, and saw the REAL him through those eyes. And believe me, it was scary—it was like looking into my P-bio father’s face when he was enraged, but he also kept that look most of the time, my son doesn’t keep that look all the time or even most of the time, only when enraged. Ditto with my mother.

Other psychopaths I have known, but not so well, I have not seen that LOOK on their faces, but maybe I just happened to miss it because I wasn’t there when they were exhibiting it. I know they can “cover it” when they really want to. Manson gloried in his LOOK and his EVIL, as my son does when it suits him.

The Trojan HOrse P seemed to have more of an evil SMIRK, but not “THE LOOK” so much, just A LOOK of “I got you” smirk, but again, I didn’t know him as well as my P-bio father, and my P son.

I sometimes think that “normal” people can’t get AS mad, or AS enraged as they do, and that look is indicative of that RAGE and ANGER that is above all “normal” levels. If that makes any sense. My sons say I have a “mad” look that will melt stone when they were “bad” in church or any other time that I couldn’t “discuss” their behavior immediately, and they knew it meant “quiet down NOW.” they tell me however it is not anything like the LOOK of my P-son’s when he is frustrated or enraged. Gosh, I HOPE not! LOL


Mirror Mirror on the wall who’s the farest of them all?

I have to agree the look at the time was proof-pozitive that there was no escape form the deapths of their depravity , no limits as far as what could happen next!

And then the next day it was like it never happened ! ??

Scary- Santa from HELL , HO ,…HO , …. HO



I was not with my S long enough to see “the look” but I did see a few fake tears and fake suicidal posturing. I also saw a picture he had posted of himself a few days after our break up. He had a totally vacant stare like I’d never seen before. He may have been messed up on painkillers he took for his fake disability.


Hi everyone-

I was just reading sstiles54’s post and I had been thinking something similar after reading about the Christmas massacre. It reall chilled me and made me wonder if my stbx s would be capable of doing such a thing. We are going through a divorce right now and I have not seen him in 5 1/2 months. He has completely dissociated and acts as if we don’t exist except as the projections of his own evildoings. We have a baby together and he insists he will not see her until after the divorce is over. He of course has started a smear campaign saying I am unstable and unpredictable. I am wondering if he has something up his sleeve to wait until after the divorce.

After reading about the tragedy in California and the description of the man it sounded like my stbx- an electrical engineer, solitary, bonded with his dog, always a smile on his face (not that these are indicative of anything per se in the general population but it was just bizarrely coincidental)…And the stare- vacant and empty…I have for a while tried to describe it. When I first met stbx s I thought it was ‘deep’, perhaps because it was often fixed and unblinking…but now I realize that it was deep like a black hole…yes, eyes are the windows to the soul and in this case they lead to nothingness…
My ex FIL had an entirely different look which I saw when he was forcing my daughters and I to leave and served me with divorce papers. I think like OxDrover describes as the Trojan Horse having- it was a smirk of evil smugness…but in that smirk I saw a man capable of anything…My ex’s aunt saw it too and one of the reasons we did not stay is because she thought the ex FIL was dangerous…
I may have to go out to where the stbx for a trial and am nervous about it. He and his family feel very entitled and unto themselves, have plenty of access to guns…I guess it would be a question of stbx feeling like he had nothing to lose…In his sick mind though I think he feels that I took away his family and that he had nothing to do with it…
Any suggestions anyone might have as far as having to potentially deal with these people in person would be much appreciated…

Ox Drover

DEar manitissa,

Your gut is most likely right in that if you feel someone is dangerous (for whatever reason) there is a GOOD CHANCE your intuuition knows something so listen to it.

I would, if he will agree with it, get him to sign away personal “parental rights” IN EXCHANGE FOR NO CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENTS. That has several advantages. Number one, is that you are not going to GET A DIME even if the court orders it. (that is a given) and number two, he will think he is getting off “scot free” so he will be happy. But you need to if you can, make it look like HIS IDEA.

Plus, if something horrible happens to you, HE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER. Plus, if he is not paying support, he will feel less inclined to see her. You can verbally (only verbally) tell him he can see her if he likes (but as far as I am concerned, LYING TO HIM IS NOT A LIE, so I would feel no guilt in telling him one thing and DOING another. ANYTHING in order to keep him away from my baby. If you think he treated you badly, or his father did treat you badly, you can be SURE they will treat your daughter badly.

You might try something like “I’d let you have complete custody of her (like you don’t really care) but I know you would make me pay child support and I can’t do that, soooo, how about we compromise and I will take custody and you sign over your rights and that way I CAN’T SCREW YOU OVER FOR CHILD SUPPORT, “but I’ll let you see her any time you want, and YOU’LL BE PROTECTED FROM ME.” Hee hee, yea, and as soon as he signs BINGO, NO VISITATION. Just make sure (like he would) that you can’t get caught in the lie, NO WITNESSES, just a “he said/you said” thing then you’ve got your child safe and sound. Away from him, and then go into hiding if you have to to get away from him, change your name, move, whatever it takes to get away from him.

Yea, I know the smirk and I know the “Charlie Manson, looking into satan’s eyes” look as well. THEY ARE EVIL and they want you to know it, to fear them, so they can control you. Good luck sweetie, and big (((Hugs)))) and my prayers for your success with the court case.


I agree with Oxy, if you have to be a little underhanded to accomplish was safe & right for you & the baby, do it. As it’s been said here on this site, they lie, manipulate, charm, & do whatever is neccesary for them to get thier way. Mine has the judge in my case believing he is the victim. They are indeed capable of evil worse than satan himself.

Ox Drover

A friend sent me a quote from a book today that really resonated with my mind, and I think this thread is the perfect place to post it.

The quote is from the book, by Karen Casey, (1982, 1991, Hazelden Foundation) “Each Day a New Beginning: Daily Meditations for Women.”

You are reading from the book Each Day a New Beginning. The human heart dares not stray away too long from that which hurt it most. There is a return journey to anguish that few of us are released from Making —Lilian Smith.

As the sore tooth draws our tongue,, so do rejections, affornts, painful criticisms, both past and present draw our minds. We court self-pity, both loving and hating it. But we can change this pattern. First we must decide we are ready to do so. The program tells us we must become “entirely ready” And then we must ask to have this shortcoming removed.

The desire to dwell on the injustices of our lives becomes habitual. It takes hours of our time. It influences our perceptions of all other experiences. We have to be willing to replace that time-consuming activity with one that’s good and healthy.

We must be prepared for all of life to change. Our overriding self-pity has so tarnished our perceptions that we may never have sensed all the good that life daily offers. How often we see the glass as half-empty rather than half-full.

A new set of experiences awaits me today. And I can perceive them unfettered by the memories of the painful past. Self-pity need not cage me today.



This is great! Thanks for posting it!


The eyes! I know someone who practices Chinese 5-Element medicine. He says the eyes are literally brain tissue — what we see in the eyes is a direct reflection of the thoughts. What is so unnerving is that they can cloak that, even in the eyes, and look so benevolent, so loving . . .

If you look at “The Stranger Beside Me,” Ann Rule’s book on Ted Bundy, you’ll see the same look in his eyes. The P’s daughter said, “Sometimes my dad looks at me like a wolf.” At the time I didn’t know what the child meant. Later, with a cold chill in my marrow, I knew exactly what she had seen.


Ox-D: Thank you for the quote. We need these uplifting “mantras.” As we learn what we were dealing with, we must also balance that by working on what will restore us to health and well-being.

Ox Drover

Dear Rune, to comment on both your posts.

That “wolf eyes” I think is the instinctive feeling that a prey animal has when they see the predator’s eyes on them.

In dealing with my cattle, who are after all, prey animals, if you are walking around them you must be very careful that you keep your gaze away from the one animal you are wanting to approach. Even a gentle animal will sometimes run from you if you look directly at them. They get that sense that you are “after” them, and even though they are not normally affaid of you, they will get “spooky.”

The day that I went to the pasture to “put down” my old horse who was very gentle and had never run from me, somehow she picked up on the fact that TODAY WAS DIFFERENT and she RAN even on three legs that were sore and o ne that was too painful to even put to the ground, she KNEW, though I tried to be “natural” and normal. Maybe it was the “smell” of me, with the normal hormonal smells a human (like many animals) gives off when we are upset/afraid. I dont’ know what it was, but boy she sensed it.

Humans have developed under conditions of being preyed upon by carnavors as well as cattle being developed under those same conditions. So I think we too have these instincts of the “predator” as an “ancestoral memory” or “instinct” (whatever you want to call it) I think it is more than just “observation” or learning because we seldom come into contact with anything that is preying on us literally, except other humans. And after all, who has preyed on humans more than OTHER HUMANS?

Yes, that “look” is spooky, but sometimes they can hide it well, sometimes they USE it to intimidate us, like two dogs approaching and one posturing for dominance–actually, come to think of it, I used it on my kids when they were unrully in church or other place where it would have been difficult to “speak to them” about their behavior, and a “look” of dominance (and “boy are you going to get it when we get home” look) would quiet them down immediately. LOL

I recently re-read the Ann Rule book on Bundy. I’m still not sure that Ann gets totally what a psychopath is. I also know that she didn’t “see” the actual bad behavior so much as she heard about it, but the stuff she heard and the evidence she knew about “made her wonder” but at first, like all of us, she brushed the RED FLAGS aside as “Nah, that couldn’t be it.”

Even after his prison escapes etc she still “wondered” about him. I think Ann was more than a little sucked into his web. That’s one of the things too, I think is that unless we are intimately involved with these people on a day to day basis, we only see the “minor, and mundane” things they do like Steve’s talk with his “T” client. Just the tip of the ice berg.

Yes, I agree that we need these uplifting “mantras” to help us heal, and for one, I AM DAMNED TIRED OF FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF. I know that the “pity party” part of the healing, the sadness, the feelings of loss etc. are a NECESSARY PART of the healing process, as well as the anger and rage at what they have done to us, the injustice,, the unfairness—BUT LIKE DR. PHIL SAYS “Life AIN’T FAIR” LOL

So now I think it is time for me to move on into a better frame of mind, a more positive, uplifting way of thinking. It really IS time for me to “get over it and get on with life.”

I’ve been doing a great deal of healing and growth, experiencing some happiness and joy, and pampering myself (maybe a bit too much) and now it is time for me to kick myself in the butt, get up off my butt and get really BACK TO LIVING. To work on the projects for the future. Saddle up and move out!

Now that I’ve “gained all this wisdom” and learned some new techniques like “setting boundaries” and so on, time to get back in the saddle of life and ride off into the sunset with a smile on my face. and rode off in all directions! Happy new year, Rune, and everyone here at LF! (((big hugs)))) and Prayers for you all to have a wonderful new year!!!



Your post are always so helpful and inspiring….

It is so true that life isn’t fair- all I have to think of from my past are things like my sweet father falling off a ladder, becoming paralyzed and dying 10 months later, and my mother dying young from both cancer and leukemia…It actually helps to tell myself, “Listen, we don’t get what we deserve, whether it be good or bad…” Somehow letting go of that idea is liberating…and then you just try to be the best person you can be. I guess that is all we really can do.

“Saddle up and move out!” I agree!! One thing that so weighed on me with my stbx s was how I felt he had obliterated my dreams of the future, of a complete family, of a farm and vineyard that we would all work side by side at, selling our products at the farmer’s markets, living of the land, while I worked on my writing…Then, he pulled the carpet out at the blink of an eye…

Lately I have decided that I don’t need him for all of that. That those are still MY dreams and that me and my girls can do all of it on our own, even though it might be a struggle…At least we know that there is an undonditional love and trust that binds us…


Is anyone else following “Dad Charged after Daughter Dies in Snow”? Many interesting comments on AOL version of the story. Does this look like a loving father?


Maniatissa: Exactly! Live off the land, sell your grape products at the farmers market with your family … and the unconditional love from that unity.

I’m so glad to hear you realized your dream was not gone … only misplaced until you could figure out and tweak it towards the people in your life that mattered. Maybe that was God’s plan for you?

This is a great new years day story!


Ox Drover

Dear Manitissa,

It was for so many years of my wanderings of the world my “dream” was to come back here to my grandparents’ farm and to raise some cattle and practice in a rural health clinic, and I did…at age 40+, the Pson was of course in prison and wasn’t able to come back here, but my son C came with us.

My husband fulfilled his dream of an “airport in the front yard” and we each had our individual dreams, and our dreams together. It is hard work for sure and I would come i n from work at the clinic and work outside on the farm til dark and then come in. Son C was going to college and working here as well,, but it was a good life and we enjoyed seeing the fruits of our labor.

We “rescued” the farm from the briars and the brush that had grown up since my grandfather died, and we called it “Deficit Acres” because it was a MONEY PIT and a sweat pit as well. If you don’t enjoy hard physical labor you best not have a farm or lmarket garden.

After 15 years of it, it actually started to make a little bit of a profit, but not enough to live on. Subsistence farming is not a way unfortunately in this country to make a living from—the electric company wants cash not cabbages or free range eggs.

I developed my market for grass fed beef over the 15 years and had a large customer base, plus a college that soaked up my extra hamburger, but after my husband died, it just wasn’t reasonable for two of us to run the cow herd, do the marketing and promotion and to truck cattle around to the butchers, plus take care of them, feed them etc. So we reluctantly made the decision to sell the herd and keep a few of our pet show cows for raising meat for our family.

I found a nice young couple to rent the pasture and provide feed for my animals and do all the maintence for the fences etc. so now I kind of have my “cake and eat it too” with a few pets, a garden if I want it and have time, and a wonderful place to live.

It usually takes one adult to work off farm to bring in some cash and one to stay home and work part time at something that can be done from home, and then they both work together on the farm, but if you can’t have that, you can still modify your dream and have something that WILL make you happy. A friend of mine just got a job in a national park, she rents out the cabins for the park, takes the money and keeps the books, and for that she gets a wage, a cabin, a vehicle, a cell phone and all utilities and 9 months of the year she eats FREE in the buffet at the main lodge. WHAT A GREAT DEAL and she spends maybe 2-3 hours a day at her “job” and the rest of the time is hers. The people who have the riding horses from time to time need extra riders when they have large groups so she can go horseback riding for free, and also the canoe rental place lets her have a canoe for free, etc. so there are so many great benefits.

There are also other “live in” type jobs out in the country and apprenticeships and internships on farms.

So don’t you dare give up on your dreams! You may have to modify them a bit, but that’s part of the fun, really! I still have my pet cows, but none of the trouble of taking care of them or paying for the feed, or putting it out. My renters do that!

Struggling for your dream is also part of the “payment” you get from fulfilling it. Working for your dream is a satisfaction to see it all coming together. You go for the gusto sweetie, and you keep o n following that star. YOUR STAR. Just because someone else doesn’t want to go along for the ride, doesn’t mean you can’t reach that star!!!! ((((hugs))))


I have just finished “Without Conscience”, do you have any ideas as to what might be a good one to keep me on track with my self education? I think I need to learn more about recognizing the red flags & protecting myself from harm. You are indeed very well read, & we all gravitate towards you & your wisdom.
Thank you for being there! U rock!

Elizabeth Conley

Dear sstiles,

I recommend Martha Stout, ’cause she’s very solution oriented.

I recomment Scott Peck, because he sees beyond sociopathy and psychopathy to the broader spectrum of human evil, including group evil and ways evil may invade a healthy person’s thought processes. Evil can effect you in more ways than an encounter with an S or P. Peck helps you see the big picture.

I know you asked Oxy. I’m interested in her response too. She’s got tons of smarts. That was just my meager 2 cents worth.

Elizabeth Conley


PS – on a slightly different track, I recommend Dr. Laura Schlessinger. (SP?! Doozy of a name ;^}) Any how, try

if you want to think about how healthy people stumble into seriously disordered situations. Dr. Laura doesn’t hold her punches, in fact I’m pretty sure she’s using her brass knuckles here. Nonetheless, if you’re feeling up to dealing with sometimes harsh realities, this is a helpful book.

OK, time for me to stop goofing off and get to work. This household is looking downright squalid! My darlings aren’t going to like this, but I’m breaking out the vacuum cleaner!


Ox Drover

Dear STiles and Elizabeth,

Thank you for the pats on the head…right now I feel like I need to ride the “short bus” to school, but one more cup of coffee and maybe I will be awake. LOL

I just ordered one that was MY PICK OF THE CENTURY, called “Emotional Vampires”–can’t remember the name of the author this moment (CRS!!!!) but I ordered off amazon, and it is absolutely, to me, anyway, THE ONE BOOK EVERYONE should have besides Hare’s.

It tells you about ALL KINDS of personality disorders, the signs and symptoms of each in a precise and concise manner. The ONLY thing in there I disagree with him on is that a full fledged P I don’t think can every benefit from therapy, his contention that some of the “lesser” disorders can be “helped” with therapy I won’t fight about—but I am not going to stay around while they get it on the off chance it might improve them some. LOL

I agree with Elizabeth that anyting by Scott Peck is great!

Not everyone WE “label” a psychopath is truly one “legally”, and we know that and accept that, but the point of this blog and most of the books we read is that these people are DANGEROUS and TOXIC and there are some “patterns” in their evil toxcisity that we can use to understand them.

I was reading last night in another book about controlling parents the idea that in order to exorcise the “ghosts of the past” we need to understand it. In some ways I agree with that assessment, but at the same time, we can’t forever focus on the past.

IN our grieving for what we “lost” in the past relationship we do have to focus on that for a while, as part of the grief process. However, if we remain forever feeling sorry for ourselves as victims, we end up using it as a crutch to explain our lack of a FUTURE life.

When I was working in the community mental health clinic, I had an adolescent client (I think was a budding P) who was also ADHD. He picked up a chair at school and threw it at the teacher and his mother said to me “What do you expect of him, he’s ADHD, he can’t help it.”

Having raised son C who was VERY ADHD I looked at her and said, “A 16 year old knows that throwing a chair at a teacher is not appropriate behavior, and he can refrain from doing so if he wants to.”

She had already used the “label” of her son’s condition to put him in the place of the “poor baby, he can’t help himself” catagory and was enabling him.

I raised an ADHD son who was expected to control his behavior enough that he was “acceptable in society” where ever the occasion happened to be. I expected him to be civil, not an animal.

Looking back, the considerations I made for his “condition” were that I put in into a private school, not one where his fidgetyness was tolearted, but one where the atmosphere was QUIET so he was not distracted as much as in a regular rowdy classroom. He excelled and his behavior was very acceptable. I gave him more frequent reminders than most children would need. BUT, I did not let him ever think or say “What can you expect out of me, I have ADHD?” I didn’t let him use it as a crutch.

I realize that in a way I have used my “victimhood” as a crutch from time to time (at least in my own mind) Now, with the New Year, I am changing my way of THINKING and FEELING about myself.

Just as when our kids are little we PRAISE THEM to high heaven when they brush their teeth, but eventually we EXPECT them to just DO it.

Here to fore, I have praised myself for feeling joy, for being happy, and now I am going to EXPECT myself to be happy and feel joy. I am going to expect more of myself, rather than being so “easy on” myself, enabling myself to feel some pity for me.

I am going to practice more of what I preach…”physician heal thyself”…so to speak. During the time I had a “broken leg” I was “easy on myself” while I healed, pampered my self, etc. but now it is time that I expect myself to get up and act like a “grown up”—to take responsibility emotionally, physically, and spiritually for the rest of my life without a “crutch” of what was in the past, what is now sufficiently healed that I can “walk wihtout the crutch.” It is again time to “saddle up and ride out” into the world again, “riding off in all directions” and to quit “praising myself” for feeling joy but EXPECT myself to. I’m not sure if any of that makes any sense to anyone but me, but I think it is a place on the healing road that I have reached at this point.

I also may step in a pot hole every now and then, or have the “horse thow me,” but as long as my “broken leg” is healed, I think I need to get going more.


Makes Perfect Sence OxD

Do It! Make it Happen! Believe it ! We Don’t progress unless We do it !


Thanks OxD & Elizabeth! I wrote the books/authors down, so when I go out looking today, I’ll know what to browse for. Hey Oxi-I suffer from CRS, too! LOL
I think I made some small steps towards “jumpin’ back in the saddle”. After I got the tree & decorations down & put away, I decided I needed to do something to make my duplex look more like me. I went out to KMart, got a small lamp, one of those “cheapie” tables you put a table cloth & glass top on, moved the few pieces of furniture I still own around a bit, & hung up some family pictures I had never even unpacked since moving here almost 2 years ago. I ordered a slip cover for my decrepit old couch, too. Of course, all this means I’ll be livin’ on PB & J sandwiches for the next month, but it sure made me feel better. ..a trip to the library, a good new book to read, I should be able to get past the roaring silence the house is since it’s just me & the dogs again.

Ox Drover

GOOD FOR YOU Stiles!!! Great.

After reading your post, I took down the tree and decorations as well, it is time. Our tradition here is to leave them up until at least January 2. (that is for “good luck in the new year”)

Then went outside and ran into some neighbors who had bought a horse from my renter, got to talking to them, and found out that their father is a great friend of mine, and used to work for me some here on the farm, so had an “old home week.” Weather is overcast but still warm enough to be comfortable outside, so am back out there to see a little bit of natural light at least!

I need to thank ALL of the people here who write the articles and who post replies! There are too many to name, but each one of you in some way or another have helped me to come to terms with what happened in my life due to the N/P/S as I cannot really state his diagnosis, but know he was toxic.

On this New Years for the first time in many many years, I am peaceful, joyous, and hopeful, even though I spent it alone without anything particularly special. But, this alone was so much different to the years I spent it alone waiting, hoping, and anguishing because he didn’t phone or even seem to think of me at all, or the times he was with me and I spent the entire time walking on eggshells that I might say to do something that would set him off somehow, or waiting for him to actually pay some real attention to me or us.

I’m sure each of you know and understand these events and circumstances where when together you’re excited, but tense, and if not you’re wondering what you did that he doesn’t seem to even think of you on a special day.

I spent about 10 years with this person. Thankfully, we never lived together, although I spent a lot of time at his house, but it was more of a distance relationship whether I lived down the street or across the border. It took me years to realize that the destruction of my self esteem and confidence was systematic on his part. The blame was always mine, I was too emotional, neurotic, etc. He even sent me to see a therapist, and I didn’t at the time connect to the therapist when he asked me why I was with this guy. Its almost funny now, if it were not so sad, but I used to ask him if he had hypnotized me. There were lots and lots of instances of his lying, or telling half truths, blame making, and even two physical attacks, one of which he managed to convince me that I caused. The second after he battered me and sat on me beating my face and when he got up to leave I followed with a baseball bat and connected with his shoulder as after the first time I said you better make sure I’m down for the count or I will come after you. Anyway, after I had gone to the hospital to be sure my jaw wasn’t broken, he phoned the next day to tell me that I should be aware that he could lay a charge against me for hitting him with the baseball bat. No apologies, no concern for my condition, only the fear making manipulations. I laugh now sadly when I remember how quickly he got off the phone after I told him that I had already been to the hospital.

Yet, even after all of that and lots of other stuff, he managed to get back into my life. It was always his ability to use pity plays, or excuses, or how hard his life was and how much he needed my help to wiggle back into my life. Always, he would state that the things he had done to hurt me or disturb our relationship were in direct relation to something I had done. Of course, these were not stated in an obvious way, but done in a way where my natural instinct for self analysis, fairness, justice, integrity, and need to please, or approval would come into play and I would allow it to begin again. Always to find that sooner usually, rather than later, the same behaviors would begin again.

Last year at this time I was recovering from a dis associative experience wherein I woke to find I had cut my wrist. Although, I cannot directly relate this experience to the ex, in a way due to my inability to recognize the damage he had done, the habits I had gotten into with him, my own lack of recognition of the patterns I had learned in childhood, etc. lead me into a vulnerable position with 2 workplace bullies who use many of the same tactics of the ex, and played upon my same vulnerabilities that finally set off the dis associative event. Thankfully, I had a great therapist, this website, and others, and a lot of posts and replies here to help me sort through the maze of my anguish, anxiety, depression, PTSD, the patterns I had learned as a child, and a lot of other factors that got me through to a place where I am this New Years. A place of hope for the future, contentment within myself, learning boundaries and setting them, loss of the fear of being alone, lots and lots of learning and growth. Although, I still struggle at times with the financial losses I suffered due to the ex and my own health issues at work many resulting from the workplace bullies and my physical reactions, etc. But, the one I still have the most difficulty with is the sense or need at times for karmic justice. And even with this all of you here have been of invaluable service and support.

So, once again may I say that all of you here, and this site has been heaven sent and I will be forever grateful that each of you has been willing to expose your own stories, your insights, your education, skills, and most of all your understanding because without these I may never have found my way to where I am now, nor my future.

Blessed be all of you!



May The Peace of The Lord always be with you ! LOVE JJ


I can definitely echo your sentiments. The damage done to our self esteem are devistating, long lasting, deep deep wounds that take a long time to recover from. I know I am still recovering, some days it’s harder than others. I am eternally grateful to this site, & all the loving people who post here. It took me almost a year of reading here, to finally get up the nerve to post. It felt like I was saying, “Hey everybody! Look how stupid I was! Can you believe I actually put up with this for 10 years? I must be the idiot some village somewhere is looking for.” What I found here was compassion, understanding, love, & some of the pieces of me I thought were forever lost. I know I am a life long member of this site, to read, share, & most important of all LEARN.

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