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Finally, feeling the joy of Christmas

On this Christmas Day, I am filled with joy, happiness and love. It has nothing to do with Santa Claus being good to me, or the gifts I offered to my husband and family—after all, there is a recession going on, and it has affected us. Rather, I am filled with joy, happiness and love because now, after the sociopath, life is good. In fact, life has never been better.

This is a significant, even miraculous, change for me. In the years before I met my sociopathic ex—from age 20 to 40—I didn’t feel joy, happiness or love. Instead, I was mostly numb. If anything broke through the wall of numbness, it was longing.

Then the sociopath arrived, and promised me what I so desperately wanted—an end to my longing. He said he’d love me forever. He said that once his business plans succeeded—with my financial help, of course—we’d live in “the lap of luxury.” He promised that my dreams would come true, and I believed him.

We all know how that goes.

The magnitude of his betrayal was staggering. I coped as best I could with the legal and financial consequences, but emotionally, all I could do was collapse. It was painful. It was ugly. But as I started to come through my shattered circumstances, I found that what was also shattered was the numbness. And in its place, I felt the beginnings of joy, happiness and love. I felt the spark of life.

As I read the comments on Lovefraud, I see many of you also finding that spark of life. Many of you, progressing in your healing, are rediscovering what you had lost or forgotten, making you vulnerable to the sociopath. You are rediscovering your own inner light.

On this Christmas Day, I am filled with gratitude to all of you who are building the community of healing that Lovefraud has become. It is working. We are recovering. Although we are all at different stages of our journey, I promise you, it is a journey towards joy, happiness and love.

Merry Christmas.


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“Finally, feeling the joy of Christmas”.

What an excellent post Donna. I could have written the exact same words myself. It is amazing how similar our experiences are. After the sociopath is gone, you are sort of reborn although it is a tough birth.

I also feel joy, peace and happiness this Christmas.
Last Christmas, just a month after the sociopath I was riddled with anxiety, sleep problems, OCD, fear of the future and I felt like a terrible person (from the projection – I was convinced I was a very bad bad person).

I have been a pilot for many years, and last year I didn’t trust enough in my reality reasoning to go flying at all.

This Christmas I am participating in a world cup within the air sport.

I guess you could call that progress.

I am still questioning though, how I could take and accept all that devaluation crap from her.

But I look at it this way: It is a confirmation of my own good character traits, traits the sociopath wanted to destroy, because she could never have them.

You are right, after this period of anxiety and depression, life is turning towards something very very positive, and the spark is returning. And what’s most useful about the experience is that I could change the things that led me to the sociopath in the first place, and a better quality life became the result.

Donna’s post should be proof to y’all who have gone through this valley of darkness that there is hope. What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.

I like that.

Merry Christmas.

Donna, Once again a heartfelt inspiring post. Merry Christmas to you and yours.

I would like to add anothoer note of hope.
Now that we understand what is a socio, and that we have been involved with one we can rejoice that A) We are not unable to have a good relationship, we just need to recognize the socio predator.
b) we had the strength and courage to get out, to relalize we were worth more than the life a socio had to offer. c) We are able to love, hurt, and heal. d) they can do none of the above.
Peace and love

Merry Christmas, Donna. A wise and beautiful post indeed.

The gift of the experience with an S/P/N is the opportunity for each of us to take back our power and to be the author of creative transformation in our lives.

May the New Year hold opportunities for healing and renewal for us all.

merry Christmas to all

well said donna….i so relate to the numbing and didnt realize that is exactly what is was til you said it…..i learn so much here……

im not yet feeling the love joy and happiness…but am now certainly open to it in a way i could never have been before….i do trust and believe i will find it though……perhaps its already here infront of me and i need to notice it

bunches of love to all, terri

Mele Kalikimaka! That is Hawaiian for, you guessed it…
Merry Christmas!

LoveFraud and all the readers here have been an ENORMOUS gift to me. Without this site, there would be a hole in my healing. Thank you Donna for creating this healing space.

I would like to send out a Merry Christmas wish to all of you in LF Land and also to a special woman and her 5 children that endured a whole lot. May the peace you have found continue to embrace and nourish your hearts!

Happy New Year to all of you!

Aloha

Happy holidays

This is my second holiday season spent joyfully away from Lucifer (a.k.a. my ex).
As phoenix1 (my blog ID) I would like to share, that you can rise from the ashes or whatever is left of your life after an experience with a sociopath.
It has been two years with a very long, very financially draining divorce behind me. I was only with him two years and it took two years to untangle the mess that he made of my life. It was a long exhausting process for me, but I have come out on the other side a stronger, (not skepitcal) but much more aware person. I am still trusting , but I no longer gloss over the “red” flags when I see them, that coupled with the experience…it will NEVER happen to me again.
The numbness that is mentioned so much, I think, is PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). In my case anyway, my therapist has and is a God send in helping me work through this. Anyone that has lived with a sociopath will experience this disorder to some degree. Please seek the help of a professional to help you through this! You can’t sweep it under the rug, you have to deal with the residue of this toxic relationship in order to heal.
I find it healing and enlightening to read about others experiences and I am so thankful that this site exists.
I was fortunate that my experience was short lived and my friends and family stuck by me and still do. You need all the love and support from those in your life that “truly” love you without any ulterior motives attached.
I have even found “love” in my life after Lucifer, love from a “good” man. Who knows if it hadn’t been for the experience with Lucifer, I may have never met my “Mr. Right”. I believe everything happens for a reason, it may not reveal itself right away but eventually it will.
Thank you for the hopeful and enlightening post Donna, the best to all of you, and a happy, happy, New Year.
Rebecca

Dear Phoenix,

I read the story of the Phoenix when I was a pretty small kid, and I have always identified with that bird, and I thinnk it is a very good analogy of all of us “rising from the ashes” of our former lives, brighter and better than before!

Thank you Donna, and all the LF contributors and bloggers. Happy new year and Merry Christmas!!! or Happy holidays, which ever applies! LOL

Hello and Merry Christmas to all and all a Happy New Year!

So with that being stated a present to all from me…

The New Year for me
By James

Once abused and batted and used
My sociopath just left me
A year of pain and dark days ahead of me
Crawling at first, then walking so slow
Wondering why my sociopath left me
What more could I do!
What more could I give!
To save my sociopath from leaving me

So now I walk a lonely road
So dark and cold, for I am so alone
But what is this I see!
A book on this road given to me
About a thing called sociopaths

I open the book and what a surprise
it is to me!
That other suffered by their sociopaths
Oh, what joy it’s to be
That other’s know about a sociopath

Soon, I grow and feel stronger with each path I see.
Studying from my book on sociopaths
Learning from each page I read
Walking much faster, then before
When my sociopath who left me

Now I look ahead with pride and joy
Knowing why my sociopath could just use me
And throwing away our dreams that
can never be with any sociopath.

I now look forward to the New Year
With knowledge of my sociopath
Stronger and wiser then my sociopath
Running not walking to meet my
New friends who also knows about their sociopath.

You can’t hide any more my sociopath
You can’t take my heart and dreams away from me
No, my sociopath , you will never take that From me
No never again for now I am free
from you my sociopath …..

Happy Holidays to you all!

This day, exactly one year ago, my ex-P left, leaving just one sentence by e-mail “Sorry, you deserve better.”

For nearly 10 years with him, he messed up my Christmas holiday. He would simply disappear or make up strangest excuses not to come and see me. Every year, I felt so miserable this time of year.

Not any more! I am building a new family of my own with dogs. My puppy came last spring. I named her “Spring” in Japanese. She is my baby. She taught me a lot about self-esteem. A few days ago, we adopted a new dog who is about three years old. This one has had a very tough life as a puppy and lost one of her hind legs. I tell her everyday “we are going to be a happy family from now on!”

This year, I have worked so hard for my recovery and learned a lot. Finally, I am having nice relaxing holidays with my dogs. I feel so fortunate to have a job, place to live, something to eat, good neighborhood friends, my therapist, and all of you in LF!

Those who have just got out from P/N/S, you are going to be OK!!
Trust me, life without P/N/S is soooooooo much better!!

Thank you, Donna for creating LF.
All of us in LF deserve the best of the best in life!

Yes chaos

“I do believe we all deserve better“

Strange but this was a current theme of my ex s/p insomuch how she would tell me how “she” deserved better then me. As I remember back how she always referred to how “she” deserved better and never adding her children to that request. One I day also remember how I told her the “we” meaning my children and I deserved better then her. At the time I not sure if I really believed that but after almost 3 years without her present and continues chaos (sorry for the pun Chaos) I do believe it today that we meaning my children and I do in fact deserve better and will someday get it…

Ever encouraging and supportive you are, Lovely Donna! (yoda speak)

Yes, discovering the realization that happiness and then joy must reside within yourself before you are able to extend it outwards, to others has been my saving grace.

Of course, this would never have transpired without the Lord’s strength, love, and guidance enveloping me in blazing warmth and light at a time I sooo needed it. I would never be the woman I am now without it. I am literally defined by my faith and love for the Triune God; the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit.

Ain’t life grand!?….haha!

Merry Christmas to you and yours, Dr. Leedom, the 2 Steves, M.L. Gallagher, and to all the wonderful LF Peeps!

Peace, Love and Joy to everyone on this holiest of days!

Merry Christmas, Love Fraud Bloggers,
As I too reflect on Christmases past, I am so eternally grateful the darkness is behind me.

I was thinking how like a feral child I was for such a long time, as to emotions and interacting with my family, then my husband and his family. Being raised in such dysfunction in my all surroundings, I didn’t have the social skills needed to respond, but I’ve come to finally realize that, even though I was rejected over and over, it was the ones I was with who had the problem and not me. Not to say I have it together, but I do know how to love unconditionally. I know the art of letting go. And I think how, due to my own upbringing, I was able to raise my daughters and prepare them for life.

I see how different they are compared to me at their age, and I give God all the credit for making something so positive out of such negativity. My past is past, but it’s having to make the peace with it, that sometimes still holds me back. I’ve developed some strong boundaries and refuse to take part in negative discussions. I’m so thankful for this site and I keep coming here for more courage and to share the pain of the new ones that equally find this place of enlightenment.

I’m so glad to be on this side of the healing. The ones who caused me all the pain, are for the most part, just there. They don’t know what to do with me since they can no longer denigrate me. My husband, who hopefully soon, will be my ex, hasn’t a clue how to communicate with me since he can no longer talk down to me and treat me like a second class citizen. I’ve lost the guilt that I carried for so long, in thinking I was responsible for his soul, as many wanted me to think. His problems were there before me. He just used me as a battering ram and it’s over.

The man who was supposed to be my best friend, and became my worst nightmare, is out of the picture, too. He initiated the no contact, due to a series of events and it all benefited me. I found out that he was chasing a gay man, who happens to be a millionaire. The other half of this gay couple came to me and he and I have become really good friends. But he was so upset that my “friend” was coming between the two of them and he wanted him out. As it turned out, my friend and his friend were seen several weeks ago, smoking a joint outside their car in broad daylight. On further checking, it was found that two men matching their description, were renting a room at the motel adjacent the parking lot where they were smoking the joint. I took that information and threw it at him and said all these years that he misrepresented himself to me and led me to believe I was so special, he’s actually been out there doing drugs, probably porn and much more. He rented an apartment and had 4 young men, in their 20’s living with him and he’s 60.

Lots of garbage to indicate his secretive lifestyle. Well I text’d him and told him off and he took that to the police. They called me and said I wasn’t to contact him and I said that’s fine and he’s to do the same with me. The idiocy of it all was, after he goes to the police, I’ve seen him probably 12 times driving past my office looking in. Not sure why, when he initiated no contact. I’m sure he’s puzzled as to why I didn’t react. I respect the law and now that I know what he’s all about, I’m free. He was just a test for me and I believe of the devil. Satan was trying to break me the most of my life and he will work through those we are closest to. But I am woman, hear me roar.

I stand with all the rest here who’ve fought for freedom and won. There’s a line in a song that says, “deep within the heart has always known that there is freedom”. We are all entitled to freedom. For me, that freedom came because I believed in Christ and He made it happen. I give Him the credit with pointing me in the right direction.

Merry Christmas one and all. May the New Year bring us all a new outlook and those who are just embarking on their freedom trail, find that sweet release that only being free brings.

Donna,
Thank you for the courage and vision to start Lovefraud and Lovefraud Blog!! Your vision and persistence are now bearing fruit and giving sustanence to so many souls.

Thank you!!

L.

Yes, this is a wonderful place for healing, and as James’ poem shows, it can be a long journey. I’ve decide that the present I’m going to give myself today is to FINALLY stop thinking about the P. To go NC in my thoughts. For the last 2.5 years, he has been a part time to full time job in my life…..in terms of the number of hours I’ve spent trying to “make sense of nonsense.” I am determined to make sure it wasn’t just that, but instead the springboard to a new, confident life with strong boundaries and no fear. I’m sure I will post here sometimes and read here sometimes, but I need to put the past behind me at last and move on. To those who celebrate, Merry Christmas!

I wish I could say I felt joy today. The best I can say is that I have felt pretty decent throughout the holiday season. But today I woke up and felt anxious and depressed. It didn’t help to be around a large group of people that I didn’t know very well, even though I managed to pick up a new massage client. I felt like I had to put on my happy face when I didn’t really feel like it too much. I think Xmas of all days you shouldn’t have to put on any kind of face, especially when you do that at work all week. So I was a little out of sorts today and not sure why. It had nothing to do with sociopaths, so that’s a really really good thing!!!!

Morning all…Peacefull Christmas here, no sign of the evil one at all which initially had me on edge as not hearing can be as bad as hearing from him.
Hate to say this but this morning I am starting to miss him…God alone knows why because it was more often than not a misery. I am sure I havent heard the last though, it will be typical of him to wait for the holiday season to be over and then to tell me what a miserable time he had without his kids and how its my fault.
I am so glad I found this site, it has given me determination I lacked before and the understanding of why he does some of the things he was doing.

Muldoon; the keyword is “misery”. Why would anybody want to be kept in that state?

It reminds me of the film “Misery” starring Kathy Bates. Now, that guy was kept in a miserable state! What a great movie. It portraits the female psychopath very well.
I recommend this movie to you all during the holiday season. It is pretty funny too (as funny as you can get it with a P role!) 🙂

mrniceguy..seen misery great film, chilling and whe she breaks his ankles it makes me almost pass out, I have to turn away. Its hard to imagione there are people like that out there for real.
Just read loads on NPD, always had the evil one marked as a sociopath, I now realise he has all the traits of NPD, which has made me feel much safer and I am going to relax the fort a little…apparantly once they see they can no longer play you or get anything from you they are off like a shot and on to pastures new….Because the last time we saw eachother I didnt engage in the its your fault crap, I did not even really look at him, he will now know I have changed and will no longer be a source. I am stilll going to hang around here, I have learnt so much, well I already knew but doubted myself and could not understand it. I now know it all a bloody game to get what he wants and because he is NPD, me ignoring him is the most powerfull thing I can do. And he will now bugger off and probably not even see the kids.

muldoon; I was fortunate enough to avoid having children and the Volvo station wagon with the P. But I have read somewhere that lawyers who know about psychopathy frequently uses the P’s need to win, to get the normal person custody rights. That is, if you appeal to the P’s need for power, to control, to win, you can set things up to your advantage because they don’t care about the children, they only care to win the game, whatever the game is.

Dr. Robert Hare writes in his “survavial guide” in his book “without conscience”:
Be careful about power struggles. Keep in mind that psychopaths have a strong need for psychological and physical control over others. They must be in charge, and they will use charm, intimidation, and violence to ensure their authority. In a power struggle a psychopath will usually focus on winning. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t stand up for your rights, only that it will probably be difficult to do so without risking serious emotional or physical trauma.

In some cases, you may be able to use the psychopath’s “win at all costs” philosophy to your advantage. For example, in a local case a woman and her psychopathic ex-husband were engaged in a prolonged and bitter custody dispute over their two children. The lawyer for the woman, realizing that the man was dangerous, was intent on winning, and didn’t actually care about the welfare of the children, advised his client to agree to a joint custody arrangement. This is what the husband had wanted all along, and having “won the battle,” he lost all interest in the children. Although the lawyer’s tactics worked in this case, he ran a great risk of having the man decide to exercise his right of joint custody, with potentially disasterous consequences for the children.

Dear Muldoon,

Be CAREFUL labelilng him “just an N” and down playing his potentiall for VIOLENCE. He has ALREADY shown he is more than just an N by trashing your car, etc. THIS MAN HAS THE REAL POTENTIAL FOR VIIOLENCE—remember him strangling you?

Downplaying their potential for EVIL is a “typical” thing that gets people killed—-KILLED—- so don’t start that now of all times, because if you are WRONG then you will suffer grave consequences.

Many people take that tactic (down playing) and that is why they go back to these folks. They keep down playing.

Just because they give up a day or two doesn’t mean that they have changed. they cannot change, will not change, and he has been VIOLENT in the past, he will be VIOLENT again in the future—COUNT ON IT. Violence against property does not mean he won’t be violent against you or the kids.

PROTECT YOURSELF, keep your guard up. This is one time when you MUST NOT BE TOO HOPEFUL.

I recently read a book by Dr. Reid Meloy on “Risk Assessment of viiolence” and the BEST INDICATOR OF FUTURE BEHAVIOR IS PAST BEHAVIOR, so WATCH OUT.

Hang tough sweetie, and keep coming back here. You may not want to hear what we have to say, but we will say it anyway, so please don’t get angry at me for being so blunt! (((hugs))))

Did everyone see this
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081226/ap_on_re_us/santa_shooting
Here’s a quote:
“I’m just this is shocking,” Detanna told the Times. “He was the nicest guy you could imagine. Always a pleasure to talk to, always a big smile.”

Oxdrover….I just thgought that being more N than anything he would not want to give me the satisfaction of chasing around now that I no longer jump to his tune, in the past I would have given in long ago…And when I read about NPD, it says when the original source, ,me, no longer provides sex, power etc they move on to another…Or are you saying this could be the calm before the storm?
mrniceguy…I know any battle in the court is going to be messy but luckily alot of my claims can be backed up by facts, where as he will look the bitter becaus eprevious to not getting his way this time he has never had any complaint against me.

I said I was going NC in my mind, that I need to move on, but a lot of insights are flooding me this morning. Then I really will try to limit my time in thinking about all this to a specific time each day, or each week. I have to remember I have…HAD… a betrayal bond and that part of it is an addiction….and this is keeping me from my work, which unfortunately in this case is at home, so no coworkers to insist I work.

Anyway, one thing I’ve realized is how much I make excuses for someone’s bad behavior and minimize it. Even now, had I not known the P back when he was 15, I don’t think I would grasp yet the totality of his sickness. I would be blaiming it on present day circumstances in his life, but I look back and say “wait a minute….he was doing the same crap at 15 and those circumstances he is blaming weren’t there then.”

Also, I might think it was the fact that he is wealthy that “hooked me”….but then I have to give myself a break and realize he hooked me at 15, when he had a lot less than I did. The hook was the same sick relationship with him that I had with my mom. (Women Who Love Too Much does a good job of outlining that.)

another thing that occurs to me is that even if you don’t history to go on, in figuring out what you are dealing with, your reaction is a great diagnostic tool. For instance, if you are new to the the southwest, you might not recognize a scorpion or realize one bit you, but a doctor, looking at the reaction of your body, can say, hmmmm…..something poisonous bit you. He might not know exactly which poisonous animal stung you..or maybe he would…but she/he can tell from the wound that it was something poisonous.

So like the emotional rape book says, you may not always be able to prove that there was a hidden agenda (these people are great at even covering their tracks) but if there was a sudden reversal AND you are left devestated….guess what, you were emotionally raped. I think that is esp. true if normally relationships don’t end this way for you.

I’ve had some guys change their minds quickly on me, way back when I was dating, but if it wasn’t preceeded by a hidden agenda and therefore exploitation, it hurts for a few days….not a year or more of tears!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I guess I’m writing all this because I struggled for so long thinking maybe I just misunderstood, did the wrong thing, he really is a good guy, just confused, whatever….but instead of going over and over and over what happened, I need to just look at my reaction and KNOW, yup, very clear….something poisonous got me!!

And Muldoon, I struggled for a while with he is “just” a N or a P or what…..and realized that doesn’t matter anymore than if the insect that bit me was a black widow, a small scorpion, a large scorpion…..who CARES how toxic their poison is or how deadly it is….the point is THEY ARE ALL POISONOUS….and you never know when your body might have a fatal allergic reaction to even “just” a bee sting!

And that analogy works better than I thought….because some people are more prone to have severe reaction to a poisonous bite…..and because of things beyond their control, like genes.

Like I realize some women would (and undoubtedly have) given the P I was involved with the brush off, even after getting stung a bit…..and maybe not had the same severe reaction because their past is different than mine….but I didn’t choose my childhood anymore than I chose my genes. I look at this experience as some innoculation against further severe reactions, but I’m not goint to take any chances. I’m sure not going to walk barefoot ever again and invite more stings!

My main challenge is resisting the urge to help out a scorpion in need, especially when it is disguised as something else! I need to get out the RAID!!! Well, at least get the heck out of their path.

justabouthealed: I don’t think there is a chance to jump out of the way. When a con artist wants to target you … they will figure out a way to get you to put your guard down and believe and trust in them. That is their game and that is what they are good at … and pride themselves in being good at.

Peace.

Dear Muldoon,

What I was seeing (hearing?) in your post that you thought maybe just maybe if you could label him an “N” then you wouldn’t have to FEAR physical danger—-that is sooooo wrong!

LOOKK AT THE PHYSICAL ATTACKS OF THE PAST, LOOK AT WHAT HE DID TO YOUR CAR!!!

THOSE ARE YOUR EVIDENCE HE IS DANGEROUS—

Even though you are not “supplying” these htings to him any more, many times, MANY TIMES (repeat) they feel like that YOU have INJURED THEM because you no longer supply these things. They want REVENGE for what they see as “what YOU did to THEM”

The “project” all their nasty thoughts onto you. If they are cheating they will blame you, if they are stealing, you are a thief, and so on.

Look at it this way, if you think he is violent and he is NOT, what hsve you lost? OR if you think he is NOT VIOLENT AND HE IS, WHAT HAVE YOU LOST? It is much better to be “SAFE THAN SORRY” in this case. Like if you pick up a snake you think is a garden snake and it is a viper YOU ARE BIT, but if you treat ALL snakes as poison, you will not get hurt.

Same thing with these people, in order to be safe, you have to ASSUME THE WORST CASE, becaue if you don’t and you are wrong, they may kill you. That has been the case with most of the victims of psychopathic Xs, the women thought “Oh, he would NEVER kill me.”

I just read today in the paper a story here in my state where a man killed his wife of 16 years, tried a pitiful attempt to make it look like suicide, but went to prison for 40 years. I dona’t know all the details of their life together, but the thing is that SHE’s STILL dead.

This isn’t always just a mental game to them, many many times women and men pay WITH THEIR LIVES and you know yours is violent, so please, please, don’t down play this man. Much better to be afraid and wrong than to not be afraid and be wrong when he hurts or kills you.

I know it is difficult to live in fear, and for my own part, I tried to deny and deny that I was IN DANGER, but I was, and it was ONLY THAT FINALLY ACCEPTING THAT HE IS OUT TO KILL ME, that I ran and was safe. It is difficult to accept, because we h ave been the “kicked dog” for so long, but it is time to be CAREFUL now. Don’t give him another chance, the above post is right, it doesn’t matter what the label is, doesn’t matter if he is an adder or a pit viper, HE IS DANGEROUS. (hugs)))

OxDrover…have forgotten nothing especially the beatings and that strangle to near death…but thought that may have been part of the power struggle when i ws still capable of being used and was indeed compliant….So is the information wrong about N’s finding a new source and moving on incorrect? I was reading it as once they can no longer get what they want or when they are finally rumbled they will quickly make a new attatchment and move on to the next victim without looking back.
I was expecting agro Christmas day and was suprised not to have any, today again silence..perhaaps you are right and this is the calm before the storm….Gonna have to think about relocating, its a small town here and its odds on i will see him here and there even if he isnt looking for me.I AM CERTAIN i WILL NEVER GO BACK WOULDNT CARE IF HE CRAWLED ON BROKEN GLASS TO BEG.

Donna and LFers:

Wantd to wish you all a belated Merry XMAS and a Happy New Year.

Donna, you hit the nail on the head for what I felt for so long — numbness and longing. And though I didn’t want to admit it, I still had those same feelings last XMAS with S. Of course, he started the devaluation between XMAS and New Year’s, which I now realize intensified those feelings.

On XMAS Eve I was driving along and I had this fleeting thought — “Last year at this very moment S was calling me while I was driving along this very road.” And then I thought “And look how in a matter of days he systematically demolished you.”

And with that I put S out of my mind. And for the first time I really enjoyed XMAS. I got to catch up with cousins on XMAS Eve at a party. XMAS morning I got to watch my nieces and nephews tear into their gifts from Santa (all still believe).

Last night I looked around the dinner table at my parent’s house at the friends and family who were gathered and laughing and talking and I thought “I am really enjoying myself. For the first time in my life I am really enjoying myself.”

Tonight I’m frantically packing for an early morning flight. I’m going to spend New Year’s on a warm, sunny island with friends. And I keep thinking “After what S did to me last New Year’s I am so looking forward to this New Year’s. Being with friends who want to be with me. Not being bled financially. Not being made to walk on eggshells.”

There’s an old saying “Living well is the best revenge.” I don’t view “living well” as meaning in the financial sense. Rather, I look at where my life is without S in it and how grateful I am for the people in it. And then I think about S’s life — and his bleak, barren interior landscape. And I think about how I am living well. And that is my wish for all of you.

Dear Muldoon,

Sometimes they (Ns or Ps) DO move on to the next victim. BUT, they may also be seeking revenge against you even while they are with the next victim.

My X-BF was dumped by his last GF, and he burned her house to the ground while he was dating me. All the while pretending to be her “friend.” Don’t assume that just because they have a new supply that they didn’t feel that YOU INJURED them, by refusing to let them continue to abuse you.

YOU ARE AN OBJECT TO THEM. Not a human. And if you don’t do what they want you to, you DESERVE to be punished. That is their way of looking at things.

The bottom line is that don’t assume that they might move on and “forget about” you—They blame everything on you if they are not getting what they want (even if his other woman doesn’t make him “happy” it will be YOUR fault.) They are great at blaming others for their problems.

Just don’t ever under estimate him! (((hugs))))

In the beginning of my journey I remember all that “wasted” time spending trying to understand why she could do what she did to her children and I. I guess I needed that time even if it was a waste on her but it wasn’t on me. I think of her less and less as time passes before me. The hate almost gone from me now. If this isn’t enough to be thankful for then what is? I know I came full circle starting with being an broken hurt hateful child be become this graceful loving person I am today. When I was with her I wanted to die (and ask god many times that as soon as my children were 18 to please just come and take me home) but now all I want is to live. I have so much to be graceful for insomuch that my children are doing so much better. One will be 18 next July and the other I still have a few more years before his adult years. I know my s/p or whatever wanted me to die or just leave but I didn’t because I loved my children unconditionally and I know they loved me the same way. I won yes but only because of love and I believe to this day for no other reason. Love is what will bind us together and allow us to struggle thru any hardship in life. There is no other greatest gift then that of LOVE…

Bless you all and lovefruad for being here day after day!

Sincerely James

Muldoon:

OxDrover gives good advice. The most dehumanizing moment of truth is when you realize YOU ARE AN OBJECT TO THEM. You mean nothing to them, except as a source of supply.

I have no doubts my ex, S, had his new victim lined up. But, he hadn’t finished bleeding me when I finally realized I had to get out or die and drove the nail into the proverbial coffin of our relationship. He is still skulking around.

I’m smart enough to realize that it ain’t over until he says it’s over. I am still looking over my shoulder everywhere I go. And I realize that in his mind I deserve to be punished for not giving him what he wanted — more and more money to feed his drug habit, indulge his every whimsy, and continue to support the fantasy life he had concocted for himself.

The thing you must learn, as everyone on this site has had to learn, is that not only are you and your S playing by 2 different sets of rules, you are playing two different games. Everyone of our Ss “won” when they said they won. Unbeknownst to them, we win by NC because this is how we retake control of our lives.

Oxdrover Matt…hear you loud and clear, I will heed your advice because on every aspect you have given good advice…Bloody hell, the cheek of him if that is the way he plays it…unlike in the past i will use the full mite of the law against him, also have appointment re restraining order…which I will keep even though all is quiet.

Donna,
I want to echo the thoughts of all of us here. Thank you thank you for having the wisdom & courage to start this site! I know I would not have survived this last year without all the knowledge & support I have gotten from my LF family. It has given me the path to follow for my healing process. That is the best gift I have ever received. Hope all of you have had some semblance of peace this holiday season, & a lot less stress, also.

mY GOD oXDROVER YOU BE RIGHT…WAS THINKING ABOUT THE PAST AND REMEMEBERED WHEN HE WAS WITH THE WOMAN i MENTIONED AFTER TELLING ME HOW HE LOVED HER ETC..HE RANG ME AND WAS KICKING OFF ABOUT MONEY, I SAID SEE THE SLUT…HE WENT WILD SAYING SHE HAD NONE AND ACTING AS IF IT WAS MY FAULT!!!
JUST HEARD HE HAS BEEN TELLING PEOPLE i KINCKED HIM OUT BECAUSE HE WAS NOT GIVING ME ENOUGH SEX!!! tHE LYING SOD, HE KNOWS IT WILL MAKE ME CRINGE AND IT DID…HE ALSO SAYING HE HAD A F*CKED UP CHRISTMAS BECAUSE OF ME.
ITS PARTY SEASON HERE, HE WILL ENJOY IT AND WHEN LIFE IS BACK TO NORMAL I THINK THATS WHEN i WILL HEAR FROM HIM…SORRY NOTICED CAPS LOCKS ON BUT HAVENT TIME TO REWRITE.

Dear Muldoon,

I am glad that you are finally “listening”—but that is the thing, EVERYTHING gets SO CONFUSED and until you have been away from him a while your emotions will go up and down like a roller coaster.

DO NOT TRUST HIM, that is all I can say. TRUST nothing about him.

Their SOLE consideration is CONTROL. Him telling all those lies about you is what we call the “smear campaign”—VERY typical that they go around smearing your name to everyone who will listen.

When you talk to those people, DO NOT BE SUPRISED if he told them that you “KILL AND EAT PUPPIES” Laugh.

Now, when you encounter those people who are “mad” at you because you are a “puppy murderer and horrible person” (and they know this is true CAUSE HE SAID IT, the poor dear) Laugh DO NOT RESPOND TO THEM or try to justify or explain it, or tell them what a sod he is. WHY? Because he has already smeared you so bad with is lies that they will not believe a word you say.

FIRST: Be calm with these people.

SECOND: Respond like, “Oh, that’s what he says does he?”

Then shrug your shoulders and say calmly something along the lines of “You should hear what he says about YOU” and then walk off. Or, if you want to keep your dignity totally intact something along the line of “Well, interesting.” Then walk away. But you must not JADE which means:

J-Justify
A-ARgue
D-Defend
E-Explain

Your real friends who know you will not believe him, and those that do believe him will not be convinced you are not mean and crazy.

That is why you MUST appear calm, even if you are falling apart, you must appear calm. He will appear “calm” in front of the cops or the judges or who ever, he will make you look like the crazy one. I know you are “crazy”—HE DROVE YOU CRAZY (laugh) I WAS CRAZY, they drove me crazy! But we are not mean. Being “Crazy” is a natural and normal response to what they do to us, but people don’t see that, don’t understand that. We would not be normal if we didn’t respond by “becoming crazy”—with dread and fear and anxiety etc.

I suggest that you stay away from people he has talked to as much as possible, AND do NOT give these people any information about you. KEEP YOUR CARDS CLOSE TO YOUR CHEST. Talk about the situation ONLY with people you can trust not to talk to him and give your information away. Your plans. etc.

They will use “dupes” to get information about you, unsuspecting people that can get information about you and convey it to them. While it is really tempting to get angry and shout at him “I’m gonna get a restraining order on you” or something else, keep your mouth shut until you have accomplished it and the cops/courts will announce it to him.

Have as little DIRECT communicaton with him as possible and whatever you do, do not provoke him, no name calling, no threats about what you are going to do.

Unfortunately, while all this was going on, I tipped my hand too much to my son and his buddy and made it worse…so please know that it is best to restrain yourself and keep your plans secret. I also suggest you get your important papers, birth certificates, licenses, medical cards or whatever, and a change of clothes for you and each of your kids, put it in a bag and keep it handy in case you have to flee quickly. Also some cash. HAVE AN ESCAPE PLAN for emergencies.

Also, just in case he catches one of your kids and talks to them, I would not let the kids know anything you don’t want him to know either. Just keep them reassured that you will take care of them. Don’t give them a lot of details, but answer their questions….also, go to the site of Dr. Leedom’s “raising the at risk children” and there are hints there for you too.

I think you are right, he is waiting until after the holidays before he works up enough steam to reattack.

And, BTW, it IS your fault (in his mind) if the OW has no money for him. Laugh–they can sure blame you for EVERYTHING.

He is not yet convinced that you will not take him back, he will think that if he makes more threats, or more threats then “I love you’s” that eventually you will take him back—you always have and he sees no difference this time. He does not believe it is “over” between you two. He just thinks this is a continuation of the “game” and he may get REALLY dangerous when he realizes truly he has LOST CONTROL OVER YOU. So, caution, my friend….caution. ((((hugs))))

I saw Her eat a Kitten Too! And Three French Hens! :)~ LOVE JJ

I see what you mean about the smearing, he always at it…I am laying low till the restraining order actually served upon the no mark.
I am so glad i found you guys, you have given sound advice and the info on this site is as if it was written for me and my situation…its good to chew the cud with people who understand…
He will be filling his boots now till after new year and then no doubt if he hasnt found a better target/source he will rear his ugly head again…
Woke up the early hours of this morning, thought i heard noises out the back but nothing come of it…I am on red alert.

Congrats, Muldoon, that you are getting a restraining order in this creep. Listen to OxD–she is a very smart woman who has been through it all. I hope you keep blogging with us so we can know you’re safe. Now this puppy-munching habit is something we need to talk about……….lol.

Dear Muldoon,

I know it is stressful to stay on “full red alert” but there are times it is good to do so, and when dealing with a psychopath is one of those times. It won’t (I hope and pray for you) be forever but right now, it is okay. My son C is still on “hyperalert” and though I have been working to help him overcome this, he will overcome it when he is ready and when he really “feels safe” and that may be a while yet since one of our psychopaths just got out of prison on parole and is still in our state.

It took me six months after I moved the RV trailer back to the farm and parked it outside my house before I felt “safe” enough to move out of the trailer and back into my house. I KNEW it was not “logical” but I didn’t feel “safe” in the house and I did feel more safe in the trailer. I guess because it was my “hidey hole” that I felt safe in after I moved out of the house for fear they would come in the night and burn the house down on top of my head. I’m not sure what psychological thing was operating and it doesn’t matter, I stayed where I felt safe.

My son fled the state for a year and a half, and he has just recently (a month ago) felt safe enough to move back into the state and come back here to the farm. He is hypervigilant though and noises at night wake him up if they are “different” or if the dogs bark like there is someone outside or whatever.

The other day he was in his room asleep and my dog made a mess and I was shouting at the dog in a mad voice and my son woke up and came barrelling out of his room wondering if I was in danger or something was going on. He was in RED DEFENSE ATTACK MODE.

There is an archived article I wrote about Assessing Risk of Violence on this blog, see if you can do a search for it, search for Risk assessment and see if you can find it. It gives some good information I got from a book about risks of violence in the Psychopaths and other personality disordered people.

I realize because my life WAS at rick, and MAY be again, or may CONTINUE to be as long as my son is alive, I will have some heightened alertness and a bit of paranoia but again, like I told you, “better safe than sorry” AND I am no longer living in TERROR, just CAUTION. Right now you may be in terror, and I am from what you have toldl me about your P, think you have a right to be and right now that’s a good way to be, but you ALSO have to KEEP YOUR HEAD. The Terror will subside, but you will and I think should be ALWAYS CAUTIOUS about this man. He thinks of you as his PROPERTY and will not be happy about losing anything that he OWNS, or thinks he does.

stargazer..im wont talk about the puppy thing on a public forum….never know who is reading this!! LOL
oxdrover how long have you suffered from fear of your psycho? And do you ever see a time coming where you will ever feel totally relaxed again?
Its diabolical to be in fear in your own home, When i woke up yesterday thinking I heard noises, it was terrifying….,.but not as bad as when he wa here and I had to half sleep in case of a attack..I can honestly say i have been sleeeping better than I have in years since he has been gone but i been having stressfull dreams of being hunted and chased….proper scary.

Dear Muldoon,

The dreams are “normal” though I know they can be disturbing as well. It is I think your mind tryiing to come to grips with the fear you have, a very real fear I think.

My first P was my biio-father, and I finally got where I was not afraid of him, and he died last year. After a long time of fear he would hunt me down, I finally got to where I was resolved he wouldn’t. I hadn’t seen him in 40+ yrs when he died.

One of my Ps is my son, who is a murderer in prison, he wants out, and came up for parole but was denied, and he keeps hoping he will get out. He hates my bones and I don’t think I will ever be entirely safe from him, but he is in prison so that helps the safey issue as he has to get someone else to come here to harm me, but after 20+ yrs in prison he has lots of “friends” from prison who are as mean and twisted as he is. Plus he will lie to them and tell them if they kill me that he will “inherit 10 millon dollars and he will share with them”–so what are they going to do to him when it turns out to be a lie? Have him arrested? LOL

I doubt that yours will be “violent forever” toward you, but it may take some couple of years before he forgets about you and moves on. In the meantime he will use your kids, destroy your property, or smear campaign you to people everywhere, and attempt to hurt you physicallyy (most likely I think) but YOU must be the guide of yourself, I can only take what you tell us and give you MY IDEA, but it is YOUR LIFE, YOUR CHOICES.

Read here and learn. READ TIL YOU GO BLIND, or at least cross-eyed! Laugh The more you know about psychopaths the more you can know about what he is likely to do. They are so much alike in so many ways and those that are “prone to violence” REMAIN VIOLENT, so all you can do is stay one step ahead and keep yourself safe and away from him, even if that means that you have to go to a safe woman’s shelter,WHATEVER IT TAKES to be safe.

Educating yourself, Muldoon, about these creeps is the best “insurance” you can “buy”—healing, learning why we put up with all this crap for so long is a long hard road, but if we don’t take care of ourselves, love ourselves, who will? The book on here that Dr. Leedom (I think it was) that she reviewed “The Betrayal Bond” about how we stay with the very one that abuses us, and in the case of peopple who have been abused as children (like you described) we tend to pickk partners in the adult years that RECREATE that same abuse, because it “feels right”—when we get a gut full of it though, or realize our lives or safety ar threatened and start to break free, it is difficlt. That’s why so many people go back and back and eventually the sod kills them. (I’m not sure exactly what sod means, but kind of like our SOB I [email protected] ha ha) Anyway, Google “trauma bond” and “Stockholm Syndrome” and read about this bond of the victim to the abusers. It sounds crazy or as you might say DAFT but it is a fact.

Learning about them, learning about ourselves, and working on breaking free is our only hope to get a normal life fo rus and our kids. We have to STOP the abuse with this generation. You don’t want your kids to grow up to either be like “daddy” or to pick a man “like daddy” do you? Of course not, so you aren’t just fighting for you you are also fighting for them, and their children and their children. The abuse goes from generation to generation until someone breaks free of it, and raises their children safely and loved and cared for.

I am so proud of you for hanging in here with all that has already gone on the last few days, and the dreams etc.

Is there any way you can get some counseling? From either a therapist or a minister or someone else?

Look for the resources near you. Find a women’s shelter, call and talk to them, and be prepared to meet them somewhere (they won’t tell you the location if they are like the ones here) so that you will already have talked to them in advance. See if they can point you to a counselor for abused people, talk to a barrister (legal adviser), and get your “ducks in a row” before you need to run to a shelter in the middle of the night. BEtter to be prepared than not. Also that will help you focus on yourself and your safety and make you feel like you have some control, rather than just sitting there waiting for his attack which you don’t know when is coming.

I am starting to feel relaxed again, I feel safe in my own home, but I was out for a year, and half that I lived in the trailer beside my house before I could move back in and feel safe. Feeling unsafe does take a toll on you, stress does too.

So be GOOD to yourself. (((hugs)))) and my prayers for your safety and healing and for your kiddos.

Muldoon – congrats on the good work! I was on hyperalert (every creaking sound freaking me out, every car that looked like his near my house making my heart race) for a couple of months into No contact. Yes, as Oxy said – when mine realized I was really gone, he became more aggressive and started harassing and ultimately stalking. He did respond to legal action (a certified letter stating threat of the restraining order if his behavior continued). I didn’t actually follow through and serve it, and I regret that. He stayed away, entirely for 2 months, and I thought I didn’t need to actually issue it, but then started sending cards, and eventually texts (after two months of following my wishes and staying away). I wish I had served the restraining order at the time he was threatening. You are doing the right thing. You will be scared for a while, but it will pass – and he will move on, eventually, when he sees that you are not responding. However, you have a child with him, which means you will likely always be in touch with him. I bet other women on this site, who share children with their ex S (including oxy) can help you with that.

Congrats on your good work, and I am so glad you are with us

Muldoon – I’ve been away from my P for four years, and although I feel ‘safe,’ I’ve never lost the feeling that he might come around so I’m ever alert. I recently heard that he has been stalking his former wife, and she has moved 3 times to get away from him – why she doesn’t just press charges instead of having the police run him off and then moving again, beats me. Like some of them, he’s not one to give up and apparently doesn’t consider his stalking activities a threat to his freedom. If he should ever stalk me again, charges will be filed.

Happy holidays to all of you and may the New Year bring you peace and happiness.

Sparks

Hi all…Dont know whats the matter with me today, managed to be quite upbeat considering th e situation but today woke up feeling anxious, the feeling has been with me all day. I feel a bit would you believe anxious because I havent heard a word from him, which is most unusual. I am starting to wonder if I have had this all wrong because he isnt showing up…I hate not knowing what is going on, I would rather if there is going to be agro that it happens, waiting is awfull….And worse still ebcause he isnt doing anything I have started to miss him or the man I thought he was and sometimes he actually was…I need him to kick off to keep the hatred fuelled…Its been a whole week, the longest in 9 yrs that I have not heard from him, even when he has been gone before and with another woman I heard from him daily…

muldoon: You’re just waffling … which is natural. You are breaking an addiction to a bad relationship that you were in. All that is normal. You will waffle back and forth did he really do this or am I just jumping to conclusions. Keep the NO CONTACT up because you (or any of us) are not equipped to deal with the ultimate of selfish, self centered, self absorbed people in the world … that give you (all of us) nothing but lip service to get what they want, when they want it, from anyone they want “IT” from.

If you came over my house and every time you rang my door bell I opened my door and punched you in the nose … how long would it take you to figure out this is physical abuse and not to come to my house and ring my door bell? NOT LONG. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out this form of abuse. It’s the same with our EXs … even though they aren’t physically abusive to us (you) … their lying, deceit and scamming is abusive. They are the ultimate in selfish behavior of getting what they want, any time they want, with anyone they want at the expense of everyone (including you) IS abusive. It is, yes it is. So stay away and keep the NO CONTACT UP.

If you are so curious to find out what he’s up to … put down some hard earned money and hire a private investigator. The PI will get you the proof of what he’s up to and with how many he is up to no good with.

Peace.

Muldoon,

“And worse still because he isn’t doing anything I have started to miss him or the man I thought he was and sometimes he actually was”I need him to kick off to keep the hatred fueled”Its been a whole week, the longest in 9 yrs that I have not heard from him, even when he has been gone before and with another woman I heard from him daily””

This is normal. You’ve got to get through this. You must get busy. Do things. Commit to activities and organizations. Watch movies and read books you find engrossing. If you can afford a holiday away from home – go!

It will pass, or at least it will decrease in severity. You’re suffering withdrawal from whatever it was that drew you into the unfortunate relationship and kept you there. 9 years is a long time. You’re going to have a much harder time than average, I suspect.

You can do it!!!

Dear Muldoon,

Sweetie, KEEP A PICTURE IN YOUR MIND OF HIM TRYING TO STRANGLE YOU LIKE HE DID BEFORE. Keep a picture in your mind of him BASHING you car, you may not be able to prove it to the police it was HIM, but YOU KNOW.

Keep a picture of him getting the cops to pity HIM when he was using your little girl’s heart as a toy to convince the cops he was a nice guy and YOU WERE CRAZY!

Yes, the “waiting is awful”—but that is just what he is trying to do, MAKE IT AWFUL FOR YOU. I can guarenteeeeeee you he isnot out there pineing for you, he is in the hay with that other gal, and he is plotting what he is going to do to punish you, or hook you back in so he can get close enough to BASH you in the nose.

Like Wini said about “gettingit”—–I’ll add a little bit to her story, if one time I did NOT hit you in the nose when you came to my door and said “Come on in, Muldoon…would you trust me? OF COURSE NOT.

WELL YOU CANNOT TRUST THIS JERK AGAIN. Even a murderer doesn’t murder EVERY DAY….

The “waffling” back and forth and back and forth is a NORMAL part of the healing process. IT IS AN ADDICTION.

Just like if he were heroin or ctack or meth, and you KNOW IT ISN’T GOOD FOr you AND YOU WERE TRYING TO BREAK THE HABIT, after a little while you would start to look back and see the “good feelings” you got, then start to convince yourself you wanted it, it wasn’t ALL that bad after all, and you can handle it…..and so on.

THIS IS AN ADDICTION. Your brain is “hooked” to the drama, the adreniline, and then the “making up” and the “sex” etc.

These things actually release chemicals in your brain that are MORE ADDICTIVE tyan anyting you can find on the street to buy. WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE WAFFLING, COME HERE.

Even at the middle of the night, come here and blog, chances are there will be someone there for you to talk with you.

MULDOON, if you go back to him, this man will eventually KILL YOU. You must get your head around that. He is DANGEROUS, this is a matter of life and death, and ytour children DESERVE A GOOD LIFE and they will NOT have it with him. YOU DESERVE a good life, and you cannot have it with this man.

Do you want to be like your old mother, taking the “occasional clout” from a creep like your father, and worrying about him molesting the grandchildren? Of course not.

Only YOU, muldoon, can stop this life style that has gone on for generations. Stop this NOW, for your children’s sakes.

Hang on Gal, you are doing well, so far! ((((hugs))))) And my prayers are for you and your children!

muldoon: Good thing Oxy repeated the addiction scenario … because our EXs are addicted to taking advantage of others for their own benefit. That’s why they don’t stop … because they are addicted to their bad behaviors. Don’t ever think they don’t know what they do is wrong … they are too addicted to stop on their own.

That’s why they all need to be locked up for a few years and have health professionals wean them off of their bad behavior.

Peace. Thanks Oxy for this thought!

Hear you all loud and clear, but its not stopping the desolation I feel, perhaps i am mourning the end of what was once the greatest love of my life…or so I thought.
I can see the kids miss him, but nobody mentions him at all, now that the hussle or christmas is over I cannot stop thinking of him.
my heart feels as if someone has torn it and twisted in and still are….Gonna get rip roaring drunk as soon as the kids are in bed..I feel isolated and lonely and its doing my head in…sorry to be posting such down sh*t….just feel down.

muldoon: We’ve all been exactly where you are right now. Sorry, there is no quick fix to this … we don’t have a magic wand that we can wave over you and say “poof, you’re comfortability with staying with your EX can just disappear. It doesn’t work like that … just as you feel into love with him … you are now working your way out of the falling in love period. It feels odd at first … but that is what you are doing … training yourself not to have those feelings for him anymore.

If he were good for you … you wouldn’t have joined this site. Your mind is forgetting all the awful things he did to you in past years and past episodes … that is natural for you to want to keep the good (or what you perceived was good and throw away all the ugly bad) … except, deep down inside of you … you remember what he did … you just want to erase the bad stuff out and go with your illusion of what you thought he could be or what his potential could be, or what you two could have had. If it were real … you would have had it!

It’s OK to waffle … you’ll go through the waffling period for a few months … until about March or the end of March. Don’t be afraid of the waffling. Just know that it is part of you breaking the habit of him being in your life.

Peace. NO CONTACT with him whatsoever, cause he will suck you right back in … and then you will be back to square one again in the future … because you can’t change his selfish ways … not even him on his own can change the addiction he has to being selfish self absorbed, self centered. If you think you have a big hurdle to jump through … imagine him giving up his selfish ways? LOL.

Peace to your heart and soul while you go through this bumpiest of rides.

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