Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
It’s Christmas Eve and I am full of gratitude today. I witnessed evil first hand as my father, a sociopath, murdered at least four (4) people and destroyed countless lives. It almost doesn’t make sense that I could be so happy and peaceful today, but it is a fact for me. I do not ask or need others to believe what I believe; I only share my personal experience.
It is Faith that changed my life. I came to a place, a way of thinking, that was just too painful to live with so I made a decision to try something different. I prayed for help, for truth and understanding.
It took me years of physical illnesses and drug and alcohol abuse to finally believe that maybe there was a power greater than me after all, so I asked for help. I was told that Faith was the opposite of Fear and I was tired of living in fear so I tried it. I just didn’t see a down side to trying this Faith thing. I asked for protection and I received it. Now I know that Fear and Faith cannot be practiced at the same time. These are miracles that happened in my life.
It wasn’t easy. My father was my original higher power and he taught me that faith in God was a weakness. Now I know different. It takes great courage to have faith when faced with circumstances that come from being the victim of a sociopath. All I could see was evil.
Today I am married with a beautiful thirteen year old daughter. My family is happy, peaceful, loving and caring. We are involved in community service, feed the homeless and give back as a family.
It all began to change with a simple prayer that had a glimmer of hope. The rest came from a power greater than me. I am grateful for all of you that have commented on my story and thank you for helping me. That is what lovefraud does”¦it provides a place where people can share their experiences and help each other heal. It turns Fear into Faith. Now that’s a Miracle. Peace to all of you and Merry Christmas.
Hi everyone-
I was just reading sstiles54’s post and I had been thinking something similar after reading about the Christmas massacre. It reall chilled me and made me wonder if my stbx s would be capable of doing such a thing. We are going through a divorce right now and I have not seen him in 5 1/2 months. He has completely dissociated and acts as if we don’t exist except as the projections of his own evildoings. We have a baby together and he insists he will not see her until after the divorce is over. He of course has started a smear campaign saying I am unstable and unpredictable. I am wondering if he has something up his sleeve to wait until after the divorce.
After reading about the tragedy in California and the description of the man it sounded like my stbx- an electrical engineer, solitary, bonded with his dog, always a smile on his face (not that these are indicative of anything per se in the general population but it was just bizarrely coincidental)…And the stare- vacant and empty…I have for a while tried to describe it. When I first met stbx s I thought it was ‘deep’, perhaps because it was often fixed and unblinking…but now I realize that it was deep like a black hole…yes, eyes are the windows to the soul and in this case they lead to nothingness…
My ex FIL had an entirely different look which I saw when he was forcing my daughters and I to leave and served me with divorce papers. I think like OxDrover describes as the Trojan Horse having- it was a smirk of evil smugness…but in that smirk I saw a man capable of anything…My ex’s aunt saw it too and one of the reasons we did not stay is because she thought the ex FIL was dangerous…
I may have to go out to where the stbx for a trial and am nervous about it. He and his family feel very entitled and unto themselves, have plenty of access to guns…I guess it would be a question of stbx feeling like he had nothing to lose…In his sick mind though I think he feels that I took away his family and that he had nothing to do with it…
Any suggestions anyone might have as far as having to potentially deal with these people in person would be much appreciated…
DEar manitissa,
Your gut is most likely right in that if you feel someone is dangerous (for whatever reason) there is a GOOD CHANCE your intuuition knows something so listen to it.
I would, if he will agree with it, get him to sign away personal “parental rights” IN EXCHANGE FOR NO CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENTS. That has several advantages. Number one, is that you are not going to GET A DIME even if the court orders it. (that is a given) and number two, he will think he is getting off “scot free” so he will be happy. But you need to if you can, make it look like HIS IDEA.
Plus, if something horrible happens to you, HE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER. Plus, if he is not paying support, he will feel less inclined to see her. You can verbally (only verbally) tell him he can see her if he likes (but as far as I am concerned, LYING TO HIM IS NOT A LIE, so I would feel no guilt in telling him one thing and DOING another. ANYTHING in order to keep him away from my baby. If you think he treated you badly, or his father did treat you badly, you can be SURE they will treat your daughter badly.
You might try something like “I’d let you have complete custody of her (like you don’t really care) but I know you would make me pay child support and I can’t do that, soooo, how about we compromise and I will take custody and you sign over your rights and that way I CAN’T SCREW YOU OVER FOR CHILD SUPPORT, “but I’ll let you see her any time you want, and YOU’LL BE PROTECTED FROM ME.” Hee hee, yea, and as soon as he signs BINGO, NO VISITATION. Just make sure (like he would) that you can’t get caught in the lie, NO WITNESSES, just a “he said/you said” thing then you’ve got your child safe and sound. Away from him, and then go into hiding if you have to to get away from him, change your name, move, whatever it takes to get away from him.
Yea, I know the smirk and I know the “Charlie Manson, looking into satan’s eyes” look as well. THEY ARE EVIL and they want you to know it, to fear them, so they can control you. Good luck sweetie, and big (((Hugs)))) and my prayers for your success with the court case.
I agree with Oxy, if you have to be a little underhanded to accomplish was safe & right for you & the baby, do it. As it’s been said here on this site, they lie, manipulate, charm, & do whatever is neccesary for them to get thier way. Mine has the judge in my case believing he is the victim. They are indeed capable of evil worse than satan himself.
A friend sent me a quote from a book today that really resonated with my mind, and I think this thread is the perfect place to post it.
The quote is from the book, by Karen Casey, (1982, 1991, Hazelden Foundation) “Each Day a New Beginning: Daily Meditations for Women.”
You are reading from the book Each Day a New Beginning. The human heart dares not stray away too long from that which hurt it most. There is a return journey to anguish that few of us are released from Making —Lilian Smith.
As the sore tooth draws our tongue,, so do rejections, affornts, painful criticisms, both past and present draw our minds. We court self-pity, both loving and hating it. But we can change this pattern. First we must decide we are ready to do so. The program tells us we must become “entirely ready” And then we must ask to have this shortcoming removed.
The desire to dwell on the injustices of our lives becomes habitual. It takes hours of our time. It influences our perceptions of all other experiences. We have to be willing to replace that time-consuming activity with one that’s good and healthy.
We must be prepared for all of life to change. Our overriding self-pity has so tarnished our perceptions that we may never have sensed all the good that life daily offers. How often we see the glass as half-empty rather than half-full.
A new set of experiences awaits me today. And I can perceive them unfettered by the memories of the painful past. Self-pity need not cage me today.
WOW!!! WHAT A POWERFUL WAY TO LOOK AT THINGS!!!
This is great! Thanks for posting it!
The eyes! I know someone who practices Chinese 5-Element medicine. He says the eyes are literally brain tissue — what we see in the eyes is a direct reflection of the thoughts. What is so unnerving is that they can cloak that, even in the eyes, and look so benevolent, so loving . . .
If you look at “The Stranger Beside Me,” Ann Rule’s book on Ted Bundy, you’ll see the same look in his eyes. The P’s daughter said, “Sometimes my dad looks at me like a wolf.” At the time I didn’t know what the child meant. Later, with a cold chill in my marrow, I knew exactly what she had seen.
Ox-D: Thank you for the quote. We need these uplifting “mantras.” As we learn what we were dealing with, we must also balance that by working on what will restore us to health and well-being.
Dear Rune, to comment on both your posts.
That “wolf eyes” I think is the instinctive feeling that a prey animal has when they see the predator’s eyes on them.
In dealing with my cattle, who are after all, prey animals, if you are walking around them you must be very careful that you keep your gaze away from the one animal you are wanting to approach. Even a gentle animal will sometimes run from you if you look directly at them. They get that sense that you are “after” them, and even though they are not normally affaid of you, they will get “spooky.”
The day that I went to the pasture to “put down” my old horse who was very gentle and had never run from me, somehow she picked up on the fact that TODAY WAS DIFFERENT and she RAN even on three legs that were sore and o ne that was too painful to even put to the ground, she KNEW, though I tried to be “natural” and normal. Maybe it was the “smell” of me, with the normal hormonal smells a human (like many animals) gives off when we are upset/afraid. I dont’ know what it was, but boy she sensed it.
Humans have developed under conditions of being preyed upon by carnavors as well as cattle being developed under those same conditions. So I think we too have these instincts of the “predator” as an “ancestoral memory” or “instinct” (whatever you want to call it) I think it is more than just “observation” or learning because we seldom come into contact with anything that is preying on us literally, except other humans. And after all, who has preyed on humans more than OTHER HUMANS?
Yes, that “look” is spooky, but sometimes they can hide it well, sometimes they USE it to intimidate us, like two dogs approaching and one posturing for dominance–actually, come to think of it, I used it on my kids when they were unrully in church or other place where it would have been difficult to “speak to them” about their behavior, and a “look” of dominance (and “boy are you going to get it when we get home” look) would quiet them down immediately. LOL
I recently re-read the Ann Rule book on Bundy. I’m still not sure that Ann gets totally what a psychopath is. I also know that she didn’t “see” the actual bad behavior so much as she heard about it, but the stuff she heard and the evidence she knew about “made her wonder” but at first, like all of us, she brushed the RED FLAGS aside as “Nah, that couldn’t be it.”
Even after his prison escapes etc she still “wondered” about him. I think Ann was more than a little sucked into his web. That’s one of the things too, I think is that unless we are intimately involved with these people on a day to day basis, we only see the “minor, and mundane” things they do like Steve’s talk with his “T” client. Just the tip of the ice berg.
Yes, I agree that we need these uplifting “mantras” to help us heal, and for one, I AM DAMNED TIRED OF FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF. I know that the “pity party” part of the healing, the sadness, the feelings of loss etc. are a NECESSARY PART of the healing process, as well as the anger and rage at what they have done to us, the injustice,, the unfairness—BUT LIKE DR. PHIL SAYS “Life AIN’T FAIR” LOL
So now I think it is time for me to move on into a better frame of mind, a more positive, uplifting way of thinking. It really IS time for me to “get over it and get on with life.”
I’ve been doing a great deal of healing and growth, experiencing some happiness and joy, and pampering myself (maybe a bit too much) and now it is time for me to kick myself in the butt, get up off my butt and get really BACK TO LIVING. To work on the projects for the future. Saddle up and move out!
Now that I’ve “gained all this wisdom” and learned some new techniques like “setting boundaries” and so on, time to get back in the saddle of life and ride off into the sunset with a smile on my face. and rode off in all directions! Happy new year, Rune, and everyone here at LF! (((big hugs)))) and Prayers for you all to have a wonderful new year!!!
OxDrover-
Your post are always so helpful and inspiring….
It is so true that life isn’t fair- all I have to think of from my past are things like my sweet father falling off a ladder, becoming paralyzed and dying 10 months later, and my mother dying young from both cancer and leukemia…It actually helps to tell myself, “Listen, we don’t get what we deserve, whether it be good or bad…” Somehow letting go of that idea is liberating…and then you just try to be the best person you can be. I guess that is all we really can do.
“Saddle up and move out!” I agree!! One thing that so weighed on me with my stbx s was how I felt he had obliterated my dreams of the future, of a complete family, of a farm and vineyard that we would all work side by side at, selling our products at the farmer’s markets, living of the land, while I worked on my writing…Then, he pulled the carpet out at the blink of an eye…
Lately I have decided that I don’t need him for all of that. That those are still MY dreams and that me and my girls can do all of it on our own, even though it might be a struggle…At least we know that there is an undonditional love and trust that binds us…
Is anyone else following “Dad Charged after Daughter Dies in Snow”? Many interesting comments on AOL version of the story. Does this look like a loving father?