Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
It’s Christmas Eve and I am full of gratitude today. I witnessed evil first hand as my father, a sociopath, murdered at least four (4) people and destroyed countless lives. It almost doesn’t make sense that I could be so happy and peaceful today, but it is a fact for me. I do not ask or need others to believe what I believe; I only share my personal experience.
It is Faith that changed my life. I came to a place, a way of thinking, that was just too painful to live with so I made a decision to try something different. I prayed for help, for truth and understanding.
It took me years of physical illnesses and drug and alcohol abuse to finally believe that maybe there was a power greater than me after all, so I asked for help. I was told that Faith was the opposite of Fear and I was tired of living in fear so I tried it. I just didn’t see a down side to trying this Faith thing. I asked for protection and I received it. Now I know that Fear and Faith cannot be practiced at the same time. These are miracles that happened in my life.
It wasn’t easy. My father was my original higher power and he taught me that faith in God was a weakness. Now I know different. It takes great courage to have faith when faced with circumstances that come from being the victim of a sociopath. All I could see was evil.
Today I am married with a beautiful thirteen year old daughter. My family is happy, peaceful, loving and caring. We are involved in community service, feed the homeless and give back as a family.
It all began to change with a simple prayer that had a glimmer of hope. The rest came from a power greater than me. I am grateful for all of you that have commented on my story and thank you for helping me. That is what lovefraud does”¦it provides a place where people can share their experiences and help each other heal. It turns Fear into Faith. Now that’s a Miracle. Peace to all of you and Merry Christmas.
Maniatissa: Exactly! Live off the land, sell your grape products at the farmers market with your family … and the unconditional love from that unity.
I’m so glad to hear you realized your dream was not gone … only misplaced until you could figure out and tweak it towards the people in your life that mattered. Maybe that was God’s plan for you?
This is a great new years day story!
Peace.
Dear Manitissa,
It was for so many years of my wanderings of the world my “dream” was to come back here to my grandparents’ farm and to raise some cattle and practice in a rural health clinic, and I did…at age 40+, the Pson was of course in prison and wasn’t able to come back here, but my son C came with us.
My husband fulfilled his dream of an “airport in the front yard” and we each had our individual dreams, and our dreams together. It is hard work for sure and I would come i n from work at the clinic and work outside on the farm til dark and then come in. Son C was going to college and working here as well,, but it was a good life and we enjoyed seeing the fruits of our labor.
We “rescued” the farm from the briars and the brush that had grown up since my grandfather died, and we called it “Deficit Acres” because it was a MONEY PIT and a sweat pit as well. If you don’t enjoy hard physical labor you best not have a farm or lmarket garden.
After 15 years of it, it actually started to make a little bit of a profit, but not enough to live on. Subsistence farming is not a way unfortunately in this country to make a living from—the electric company wants cash not cabbages or free range eggs.
I developed my market for grass fed beef over the 15 years and had a large customer base, plus a college that soaked up my extra hamburger, but after my husband died, it just wasn’t reasonable for two of us to run the cow herd, do the marketing and promotion and to truck cattle around to the butchers, plus take care of them, feed them etc. So we reluctantly made the decision to sell the herd and keep a few of our pet show cows for raising meat for our family.
I found a nice young couple to rent the pasture and provide feed for my animals and do all the maintence for the fences etc. so now I kind of have my “cake and eat it too” with a few pets, a garden if I want it and have time, and a wonderful place to live.
It usually takes one adult to work off farm to bring in some cash and one to stay home and work part time at something that can be done from home, and then they both work together on the farm, but if you can’t have that, you can still modify your dream and have something that WILL make you happy. A friend of mine just got a job in a national park, she rents out the cabins for the park, takes the money and keeps the books, and for that she gets a wage, a cabin, a vehicle, a cell phone and all utilities and 9 months of the year she eats FREE in the buffet at the main lodge. WHAT A GREAT DEAL and she spends maybe 2-3 hours a day at her “job” and the rest of the time is hers. The people who have the riding horses from time to time need extra riders when they have large groups so she can go horseback riding for free, and also the canoe rental place lets her have a canoe for free, etc. so there are so many great benefits.
There are also other “live in” type jobs out in the country and apprenticeships and internships on farms.
So don’t you dare give up on your dreams! You may have to modify them a bit, but that’s part of the fun, really! I still have my pet cows, but none of the trouble of taking care of them or paying for the feed, or putting it out. My renters do that!
Struggling for your dream is also part of the “payment” you get from fulfilling it. Working for your dream is a satisfaction to see it all coming together. You go for the gusto sweetie, and you keep o n following that star. YOUR STAR. Just because someone else doesn’t want to go along for the ride, doesn’t mean you can’t reach that star!!!! ((((hugs))))
Oxy,
I have just finished “Without Conscience”, do you have any ideas as to what might be a good one to keep me on track with my self education? I think I need to learn more about recognizing the red flags & protecting myself from harm. You are indeed very well read, & we all gravitate towards you & your wisdom.
Thank you for being there! U rock!
Dear sstiles,
I recommend Martha Stout, ’cause she’s very solution oriented.
http://www.bookbrowse.com/author_interviews/full/index.cfm?author_number=1097
I recomment Scott Peck, because he sees beyond sociopathy and psychopathy to the broader spectrum of human evil, including group evil and ways evil may invade a healthy person’s thought processes. Evil can effect you in more ways than an encounter with an S or P. Peck helps you see the big picture.
http://www.amazon.com/People-Lie-Hope-Healing-Human/dp/0684848597
I know you asked Oxy. I’m interested in her response too. She’s got tons of smarts. That was just my meager 2 cents worth.
Sstiles:
PS – on a slightly different track, I recommend Dr. Laura Schlessinger. (SP?! Doozy of a name ;^}) Any how, try
http://www.google.com/products/catalog?hl=en&q=dr.+laura+schlessinger+books&cid=279381302762760788#ps-sellers
if you want to think about how healthy people stumble into seriously disordered situations. Dr. Laura doesn’t hold her punches, in fact I’m pretty sure she’s using her brass knuckles here. Nonetheless, if you’re feeling up to dealing with sometimes harsh realities, this is a helpful book.
OK, time for me to stop goofing off and get to work. This household is looking downright squalid! My darlings aren’t going to like this, but I’m breaking out the vacuum cleaner!
Blessings!
Dear STiles and Elizabeth,
Thank you for the pats on the head…right now I feel like I need to ride the “short bus” to school, but one more cup of coffee and maybe I will be awake. LOL
I just ordered one that was MY PICK OF THE CENTURY, called “Emotional Vampires”–can’t remember the name of the author this moment (CRS!!!!) but I ordered off amazon, and it is absolutely, to me, anyway, THE ONE BOOK EVERYONE should have besides Hare’s.
It tells you about ALL KINDS of personality disorders, the signs and symptoms of each in a precise and concise manner. The ONLY thing in there I disagree with him on is that a full fledged P I don’t think can every benefit from therapy, his contention that some of the “lesser” disorders can be “helped” with therapy I won’t fight about—but I am not going to stay around while they get it on the off chance it might improve them some. LOL
I agree with Elizabeth that anyting by Scott Peck is great!
Not everyone WE “label” a psychopath is truly one “legally”, and we know that and accept that, but the point of this blog and most of the books we read is that these people are DANGEROUS and TOXIC and there are some “patterns” in their evil toxcisity that we can use to understand them.
I was reading last night in another book about controlling parents the idea that in order to exorcise the “ghosts of the past” we need to understand it. In some ways I agree with that assessment, but at the same time, we can’t forever focus on the past.
IN our grieving for what we “lost” in the past relationship we do have to focus on that for a while, as part of the grief process. However, if we remain forever feeling sorry for ourselves as victims, we end up using it as a crutch to explain our lack of a FUTURE life.
When I was working in the community mental health clinic, I had an adolescent client (I think was a budding P) who was also ADHD. He picked up a chair at school and threw it at the teacher and his mother said to me “What do you expect of him, he’s ADHD, he can’t help it.”
Having raised son C who was VERY ADHD I looked at her and said, “A 16 year old knows that throwing a chair at a teacher is not appropriate behavior, and he can refrain from doing so if he wants to.”
She had already used the “label” of her son’s condition to put him in the place of the “poor baby, he can’t help himself” catagory and was enabling him.
I raised an ADHD son who was expected to control his behavior enough that he was “acceptable in society” where ever the occasion happened to be. I expected him to be civil, not an animal.
Looking back, the considerations I made for his “condition” were that I put in into a private school, not one where his fidgetyness was tolearted, but one where the atmosphere was QUIET so he was not distracted as much as in a regular rowdy classroom. He excelled and his behavior was very acceptable. I gave him more frequent reminders than most children would need. BUT, I did not let him ever think or say “What can you expect out of me, I have ADHD?” I didn’t let him use it as a crutch.
I realize that in a way I have used my “victimhood” as a crutch from time to time (at least in my own mind) Now, with the New Year, I am changing my way of THINKING and FEELING about myself.
Just as when our kids are little we PRAISE THEM to high heaven when they brush their teeth, but eventually we EXPECT them to just DO it.
Here to fore, I have praised myself for feeling joy, for being happy, and now I am going to EXPECT myself to be happy and feel joy. I am going to expect more of myself, rather than being so “easy on” myself, enabling myself to feel some pity for me.
I am going to practice more of what I preach…”physician heal thyself”…so to speak. During the time I had a “broken leg” I was “easy on myself” while I healed, pampered my self, etc. but now it is time that I expect myself to get up and act like a “grown up”—to take responsibility emotionally, physically, and spiritually for the rest of my life without a “crutch” of what was in the past, what is now sufficiently healed that I can “walk wihtout the crutch.” It is again time to “saddle up and ride out” into the world again, “riding off in all directions” and to quit “praising myself” for feeling joy but EXPECT myself to. I’m not sure if any of that makes any sense to anyone but me, but I think it is a place on the healing road that I have reached at this point.
I also may step in a pot hole every now and then, or have the “horse thow me,” but as long as my “broken leg” is healed, I think I need to get going more.
Makes Perfect Sence OxD
Do It! Make it Happen! Believe it ! We Don’t progress unless We do it !
Thanks OxD & Elizabeth! I wrote the books/authors down, so when I go out looking today, I’ll know what to browse for. Hey Oxi-I suffer from CRS, too! LOL
I think I made some small steps towards “jumpin’ back in the saddle”. After I got the tree & decorations down & put away, I decided I needed to do something to make my duplex look more like me. I went out to KMart, got a small lamp, one of those “cheapie” tables you put a table cloth & glass top on, moved the few pieces of furniture I still own around a bit, & hung up some family pictures I had never even unpacked since moving here almost 2 years ago. I ordered a slip cover for my decrepit old couch, too. Of course, all this means I’ll be livin’ on PB & J sandwiches for the next month, but it sure made me feel better. ..a trip to the library, a good new book to read, I should be able to get past the roaring silence the house is since it’s just me & the dogs again.
GOOD FOR YOU Stiles!!! Great.
After reading your post, I took down the tree and decorations as well, it is time. Our tradition here is to leave them up until at least January 2. (that is for “good luck in the new year”)
Then went outside and ran into some neighbors who had bought a horse from my renter, got to talking to them, and found out that their father is a great friend of mine, and used to work for me some here on the farm, so had an “old home week.” Weather is overcast but still warm enough to be comfortable outside, so am back out there to see a little bit of natural light at least!
I need to thank ALL of the people here who write the articles and who post replies! There are too many to name, but each one of you in some way or another have helped me to come to terms with what happened in my life due to the N/P/S as I cannot really state his diagnosis, but know he was toxic.
On this New Years for the first time in many many years, I am peaceful, joyous, and hopeful, even though I spent it alone without anything particularly special. But, this alone was so much different to the years I spent it alone waiting, hoping, and anguishing because he didn’t phone or even seem to think of me at all, or the times he was with me and I spent the entire time walking on eggshells that I might say to do something that would set him off somehow, or waiting for him to actually pay some real attention to me or us.
I’m sure each of you know and understand these events and circumstances where when together you’re excited, but tense, and if not you’re wondering what you did that he doesn’t seem to even think of you on a special day.
I spent about 10 years with this person. Thankfully, we never lived together, although I spent a lot of time at his house, but it was more of a distance relationship whether I lived down the street or across the border. It took me years to realize that the destruction of my self esteem and confidence was systematic on his part. The blame was always mine, I was too emotional, neurotic, etc. He even sent me to see a therapist, and I didn’t at the time connect to the therapist when he asked me why I was with this guy. Its almost funny now, if it were not so sad, but I used to ask him if he had hypnotized me. There were lots and lots of instances of his lying, or telling half truths, blame making, and even two physical attacks, one of which he managed to convince me that I caused. The second after he battered me and sat on me beating my face and when he got up to leave I followed with a baseball bat and connected with his shoulder as after the first time I said you better make sure I’m down for the count or I will come after you. Anyway, after I had gone to the hospital to be sure my jaw wasn’t broken, he phoned the next day to tell me that I should be aware that he could lay a charge against me for hitting him with the baseball bat. No apologies, no concern for my condition, only the fear making manipulations. I laugh now sadly when I remember how quickly he got off the phone after I told him that I had already been to the hospital.
Yet, even after all of that and lots of other stuff, he managed to get back into my life. It was always his ability to use pity plays, or excuses, or how hard his life was and how much he needed my help to wiggle back into my life. Always, he would state that the things he had done to hurt me or disturb our relationship were in direct relation to something I had done. Of course, these were not stated in an obvious way, but done in a way where my natural instinct for self analysis, fairness, justice, integrity, and need to please, or approval would come into play and I would allow it to begin again. Always to find that sooner usually, rather than later, the same behaviors would begin again.
Last year at this time I was recovering from a dis associative experience wherein I woke to find I had cut my wrist. Although, I cannot directly relate this experience to the ex, in a way due to my inability to recognize the damage he had done, the habits I had gotten into with him, my own lack of recognition of the patterns I had learned in childhood, etc. lead me into a vulnerable position with 2 workplace bullies who use many of the same tactics of the ex, and played upon my same vulnerabilities that finally set off the dis associative event. Thankfully, I had a great therapist, this website, and others, and a lot of posts and replies here to help me sort through the maze of my anguish, anxiety, depression, PTSD, the patterns I had learned as a child, and a lot of other factors that got me through to a place where I am this New Years. A place of hope for the future, contentment within myself, learning boundaries and setting them, loss of the fear of being alone, lots and lots of learning and growth. Although, I still struggle at times with the financial losses I suffered due to the ex and my own health issues at work many resulting from the workplace bullies and my physical reactions, etc. But, the one I still have the most difficulty with is the sense or need at times for karmic justice. And even with this all of you here have been of invaluable service and support.
So, once again may I say that all of you here, and this site has been heaven sent and I will be forever grateful that each of you has been willing to expose your own stories, your insights, your education, skills, and most of all your understanding because without these I may never have found my way to where I am now, nor my future.
Blessed be all of you!
dee