Invariably, once we realize we’ve been conned by a psychopath, this person has lied to us from the very beginning, and we fell for all of it, we ask why? Why did we believe? Why did we trust?
The short answer is that we did what we, as social animals, are biologically designed to do. Human beings have evolved over millennia to live in community, and trust is the glue that holds us together.
I just finished reading The Moral Molecule the source of love and prosperity, by Paul J. Zak. Zak spent 10 years researching a brain chemical called oxytocin and its role in human behavior. He says oxytocin inspires trust; trust is connected to morality; and morality is connected to the survival of the human race.
The video above gives an overview of the points he makes in his book. Zak briefly refers to psychopaths in the video, and the discussion about this personality disorder in his book isn’t much longer. I’m going to extrapolate from his work to discuss the role that oxytocin probably plays in why psychopaths do what they do, and why we respond the way we do.
What is oxytocin?
Oxytocin is both a neurotransmitter, sending signals within the brain, and a hormone, carrying messages in the bloodstream. It plays a huge role in pair bonding, especially for monogamous mammals. It has long been associated with sex, childbirth and breastfeeding.
Research now shows that both men and women release oxytocin, although women release far more. The substance is integrally involved with love and empathy. An article in Scientific American describes oxytocin as nature’s “love glue.”
Be mine forever: Oxytocin may help build long-lasting love, on ScientificAmerican.com.
Intimacy and sex trigger the release of oxytocin. So do feelings of empathy. An easy way to spark the release of oxytocin in people is to give them a hug. Another way is to show that you trust them. Conversation creates a sense of community, which builds trust, which leads to oxytocin release.
In his book, Zak describes a behavioral feedback loop based on oxytocin:
Oxytocin generates the empathy that drives moral behavior, which inspires trust, which causes the release of more oxytocin, which creates more empathy.
But it’s not all love and roses. Oxytocin also helps people know when to be wary. Zak says, “oxytocin maintains the balance between self and other, trust and distrust, approach and withdrawal.”
Testosterone
Testosterone is a hormone associated with aggression, motivation and drive, especially sex drive. Men have more testosterone than women, and young men have twice the level of testosterone as older men. Testosterone is elevated in all psychopaths, both male and female. Hold that thought.
Testosterone is the opposite of oxytocin. In The Moral Molecule, Zak says:
Testosterone specifically interferes with the uptake of oxytocin, producing a damping effect on being caring and feeling. (Page 83 emphasis by Zak.)
Zak also talks about a high-octane version of testosterone called dihydrotestosterone (DHT), which stimulates areas of the brain associated with aggression. Zak writes:
DHT’s affect on the brain is about five times larger than testosterone’s. It not only unleashes aggression, but also increases dopamine, which makes the aggression feel good. (Page 84)
Here are a few more points about testosterone:
High-testosterone males divorce more often, spend less time with their children, engage in competitions of all types, have more sexual partners (as well as learning disabilities), and lose their jobs more often. (Page 90)
Winning too big too often can have a corrosive effect by bathing an individual in testosterone. Always coming out on top, consistently and over time, can reinforce some of the more obnoxious stereotypically male behaviors associated with the hormone. (Page 94)
Administering testosterone has been shown to actually inhibit people’s ability’s to pick up the social cues that eye contact conveys. (Page 95)
Putting this together: Psychopaths have excess testosterone. Testosterone blocks caring and feeling, increases aggression, inhibits the ability to pick up on social cues and correlates with the type of behavior we’ve all seen in psychopaths.
Oxytocin receptors
Oxytocin works by connecting with “oxytocin receptors,” which are present in the mammary glands, uterus and in the central nervous system. However, Zak says that “5 percent of any population lack the oxytocin receptors necessary to bond and behave morally without external reinforcement.” Of course, 5 percent is remarkably close to official estimates for antisocial personality disorder 4 percent of the population.
Zak explains that oxytocin receptors need to be stimulated, starting when humans are babies, in order for them to grow. If the receptors are not stimulated by love and attention early on, they fail to develop, which contributes to a lack of empathy. In an interview with IEEE Spectrum, Zak says that psychopaths seem to lack oxytocin receptors.
Can one chemical be the basis of all morality? on Spectrum.IEEE.org.
In The Moral Molecule, Zak writes:
Psychopaths can have incredible social competence on the cognitive level the trouble is that they simply don’t care bout anyone but themselves. Their lack of empathy allows them to treat others as objects, and their cognitive skill enables them to get away with it. (Page 128)
Oxytocin and the psychopathic experience
Psychopaths do not form authentic, caring love bonds with other people. But they are very good at pretending that they do.
When psychopaths target us for romantic relationships, they shower us with attention and affection. They spend a lot of time talking with us, and conversation builds trust. They say and do things to indicate that they trust us, and we should trust them. They tell stories about themselves designed to appeal to our empathy. They rush us into emotional, physical and sexual intimacy.
All of this causes the release of oxytocin in our brains, which is absolutely normal. Because of the oxytocin, we feel calm, trusting, empathetic and content. We especially feel trusting of the person who caused this reaction in us the psychopath.
The psychopath, however, does not have the normal number of oxytocin receptors. Plus, the psychopath has elevated testosterone, which blocks the release of oxytocin. Therefore, he or she does not experience the effects of the oxytocin, and does not feel trust or empathy.
Researchers are finding many biological components of psychopathy, including the problems with oxytocin. But the oxytocin system operates just fine in many of us who have been targeted by psychopaths. So they love bomb us; we don’t know they are lying; we respond as human are intended to respond to displays of trust and affection, which releases oxytocin.
Psychopathic seduction hijacks the normal human bonding system. That’s an important reason why we get hooked.
If you’d like to know more about oxytocin and how it is supposed to work, read The Moral Molecule, by Paul J. Zak.
The Moral Molecule — the source of love and prosperity, is available on Amazon.com.
I have read a lot about sociopathic types having an increased amount of sex drive and now this article says also elevated testosterone. In face, my ex spath was the opposite. Now he ACTED like he did at first because of the love bombing and he knew that the sexual part was important to me but once I was hooked and especially married, he had NO sexual drive. In fact also his testosterone levels were consistently low and he took injections to raise it. So just an exception to the rule? Just wondered if anyone else had that experience with their ex spath.
Linette – how old is he?
I found mine didn’t have a high sex drive for me once he got me reeled in. But, he sure left a lot of porn in my shed when I kicked him out the first time. A whole box full I had never seen. I also found out later he was a player and constantly looking for both male and female sexual “play” on line including drag queens, AND I found out he always had a couple of women on the line. Some of them are better at lying and better at hiding it. But, if they aren’t truly impotent at all times, they are doing something sexual somewhere…usually with their next victim….or with people who will do things we won’t or can’t. IE: Being a woman, I can’t become a drag queen and have sex with another one.
He left porn on all the computers. He always kept his ex-wife on the side, promising her things he’d hid from her when they split, like a Harley-Davidson motorcycle, her wedding dress. He said she would do anything and calls her a whore. Do you wonder were the VD came from? What do you get when you have to keep seeing those kind of people?
They married 3 weeks after her 1st husband died. After all the money was gone from the motorcycle accident, he had nothing to do with her, until the night before he had his kids come over and clean out the house while she was at work. Then he screwed her one last time.
Very fascinating statistics and information. Recently, when all of these testosterone gels began popping up, I thought, “Oh no! Just what we need. Now sociopaths can have even more victims all at once.”
The video was really good.I love learning.I never knew about DHT;that’s news to me.
Interesting posts,about the lack of sex drive!Count my spath in too! Don’t know if all his health issues caused low testosterone or what!
My sociopath had low testosterone levels but his drive was high. He had trouble in that department which of course frustrated him. Testosterone gel didn’t seem to make a difference so he “educated” himself via porn on how to please women in other ways. This, he said, made him “Superman”. Ha.
My female spath had a very high sex drive. She had sex almost every day and if she wasn’t having it, she told me she was thinking about it. I only had sex with her twice as I was not her primary relationship. I became one of her victims on the side. She had told me that she was a single lesbian but it turned out that she was not single but was a married man’s mistress and she sleeps with guys and girls of all ages.
Isn’t it quite common for them to withhold sex to humiliate/frustrate/ punish? So refusing their willing partner sex becomes sadistically pleasurable in itself?
Hi Tea,
Sex is power. Humiliation of others is a turn on for spaths and under the right circumstances an aphrodisiac. Publicly, sexually humiliating a target is the ultimate high.
The one of the spath’s ‘girlies’ wrote a blog about this. He took her shopping in a sex store in Major City USA where she tries on a latex and metal dress. She asks if he will buy it for her and he replies only if you wear it and we take public transport to ‘our’ place. Like an idiot,she was 48 at the time, she agrees. The weather is still cold and she only has a short jacket for cover that’s hiding nothing. While blogging that she is turned on, she goes on to say that she is afraid she will bump into someone she or her family knows; that doesn’t know how to act and wants to hide in embarrassment. All of her bravado disappears in this blog entry as she admits that men, women and children are staring at her. She closes her blog by saying, when they got ‘home’ how he smacked her butt red and still hurt the next day; oh and how he enjoyed the sex.
Sick person, spath; and sad person, escort.
God that’s horrible losteverything. I once saw a woman in central London dressed in fetish vinyl boots and a very short dress in central London. With a man who was dressed normally. She was middle aged. People were double taking and staring as it was just…wrong. Inappropriate. I assumer they were exhibitionists. Maybe it was the same dynamic as in your story.
TeaLight…..been there!
Tea Light,
Thank you,I finally understand why a husband would withhold sex from the woman he married!
Blood running cold again as I remind myself of psychopaths and humiliation being a turn on for them…how could an unsuspecting oxytocinned person have a snowballs chance in hell of working it out until terrible damage is done?? so unfortunate for a fully human sensitive loving being to be debased by a sadistic liar…breaks my broken bits all over again..I can safely say my heart is shredded
Dorothy2 – thanks for sharing! A lonely ending for these predators is well deserved.
Very open poem. Thank you for sharing it. Writing is therapeutic.
Bulletproof – The solution is education. Education that sociopaths exist, education about their tactics, education about the warning signs. My research shows that 71% of targets suspect that something is wrong early in the relationship. They see the warning signs – but don’t know what they mean. With more awareness of sociopaths, they can escape before too much damage is done.
So true, Donna. The educational information here in the Archives is truly a treasure trove. Thank you.
Bulletproof: I think your post is very helpful because, as you state, a person with a large dose of Oxytocin pouring in because of phony behaviors and false words, is too vulnerable to catch themselves. I forgive myself for not understanding that a very addictive, natural substance took over my mind and heart and body. Then, I take care of myself after it goes away and I can see clearly what has happened. Then, I take the steps to protect myself from whatever the spath does. Someone here wrote recently (I think Blossom or Tea Light) that the goal is to stay neutral with people. Stay neutral and read Donna’s book as well as any others that you find on this subject and your neutrality and education about it as you go very slowly with one of these predators, will be your salvation. Once I know what the red flags are, no amount of any chemical in my brain can keep me from seeing them. I am still in the spath’s life right now by choice. I see the red flags all of the time, I stay neutral most of the time, and if he is nice, I know some type of manipulation is coming up and I just wait for it. Then, I say no or yes based on what works best for me and I am much more capable of staying neutral no matter what his response is. I have been studying narcissism for over a year and now am studying sociopath information as well as the narcissism. Education is the key.
Fight: I am also still involved with my Spath. I have never let him “know” that I “know” what he is… He will use the term Psychopath now and then, watches the Jodi Arias trial and calls her that…. but for himself? Like what I read about Spaths, they don’t want to see what they are. I have become so educated about them since I found this site..and although my heart tells me I must get out of this relationship at some point (sooner than later, I am sure) I am like you in that I watch for the red flags and adjust my responses/reactions accordingly…and try to remain “neutral”.. He will say the words “I love you”.. but I know it is only in “his way”… and that he doesn’t “feel” it.. we don’t live together.. and that in and of itself is a good thing… and I know that I am not the only woman in his life, but he doesn’t know that I know. He makes the rules…. and I go along…. I hate to admit this.. but I’m not ready to say “Goodbye”… I really get down on myself because of this…. I know I am savvy about what he is, but then I choose not to do anything.. so I hurt and cry sometimes, but then I say “it is what it is”.. when we are together … unbelievable most times… I could go on … .but it’s pointless.. but thank you for your writing….. Education is indeed the Key.
Savvy, I just wanted to say I believe LF is for all who have experience beinginvolved with the disordered ( or wanting information about disordered people), so that includes those of us who are still living with or in contact with a disordered person. So don’t feel any need to defend your situation. We all know these people wreck terrible damage on others, psychological, emotional, physical, and the best course of action is to remove ourselves from the relationship as they are not going to change and there is no cure for their disorder. Maybe if you drag a narcissist into psychotherapy under duress then they may modify their abusive behaviour over time but anti socials and psychopaths….let’s not kid ourselves. There will be no improvement. So getting out is the ideal. And is a matter of life and death in many cases. But not everyone here is at the stage of wanting or being able to leave and noone should feel judged for that, it’s a painful often lengthy process. All the best to you savvy and stay safe.
Hi Tea Light and Savvy:
I don’t know if there is any estimate of people here still in relationships (and that can include blood family members) of some kind with a sociopath. But, I have found (as Tea Light’s response shows) that the people here are accepting about whichever choice we make regarding our own spath.
I have learned a lot here and found support. I also read a lot and work on my well being. I was a member of Al-Anon for many years through my first husband (who certainly had many attributes of a spath) and through the spath. I don’t think I could ever live with one I couldn’t stay separate from. My situation is like a duplex. He has no key to get to spend time with me and the tables have turned as I garner more and more information about how sociopaths think and I how I can protect myself. IE: A year ago, I was begging for attention from someone who enjoyed withdrawing. I found that if I withdrew, he didn’t get to enjoy it. He then began complaining that I wasn’t spending enough time with him. Translation: He wants someone to watch TV shows with.
I also found if I didn’t tell him much, he couldn’t hurt me. My relationship at this point is about 75% based on money. The other 25% is someone to talk to sometimes when another person isn’t available. I am older and a lot of older people will tell you that survival goes to the top of the list at some point.
I do feel shame for what I put up with. But, I am of the mind that addictions are a choice. I have watched people addicted to substances and activities all of my life. I believe it is a narcissistic choice. Sooo, I then have to know that my choice to be addicted to a person who is on the sociopath spectrum is my choice. You would be surprised at what a difference that can make in your pain along with training yourself to be neutral about the things they do and say. I am choosing this situation. I can end it any time I CHOOSE. If it is my choice and I decide not to feel shame, or as if I am the only one living this way, I feel better about it. I need to eat and this is the way I’m doing that right now.
I agree with you that they think they love in some way. But, for the most part, the adore themselves and every moment is spent trying to acquire more of what they want from anywhere they can because that is who they are. Just as we crave a heightened sense of unrealistic love, they crave things they want and they will stomp on anyone to get it.
Some of the books I’ve read discuss no contact, contact with the understanding of what you are dealing with, and contact with no understanding of what you are dealing with. Right now, I am finishing up “The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists.” She offers information and all three choices and how you do it. I would recommend reading as much as possible and never share a thing with the spath about the book unless you have read the whole book and done a lot of thinking.
Right now, my goal is to get rid of my shame. Shames that were there long before I met sociopaths outside of my family. Shames that we all end up with in one form or another throughout our life situations. If I choose to enjoy what I am getting out of the situation, accept that includes some forms of loneliness and anxiety, accept that it is my choice, no shame. I made the choice unless I change my mind and make a different choice. We have all felt shame. We can turn it around to a life choice in the present…a choice where we feel a need is being met…until we don’t feel enough need is being met and then we change it.
Donna has said here recently that education is the key and she is 100% correct in that. I hope you keep coming back, reading articles, commenting, checking the archives for subjects that apply to you, and accept your choice as it is today.
There is a spectrum to the sociopath brain and there is a spectrum to our addiction to their words and actions. We are the only ones who make the choices about how and when we choose to interact. Right now, he feels nothing and you feel everything. That can be turned around, evened out, and you can find a neutral place of being with him. And after you get to neutral, if you are in a position to get out and meet new people, maybe you will decide neutral isn’t best for you or that it is. It’s all up to you. No shame in it.