Invariably, once we realize we’ve been conned by a psychopath, this person has lied to us from the very beginning, and we fell for all of it, we ask why? Why did we believe? Why did we trust?
The short answer is that we did what we, as social animals, are biologically designed to do. Human beings have evolved over millennia to live in community, and trust is the glue that holds us together.
I just finished reading The Moral Molecule the source of love and prosperity, by Paul J. Zak. Zak spent 10 years researching a brain chemical called oxytocin and its role in human behavior. He says oxytocin inspires trust; trust is connected to morality; and morality is connected to the survival of the human race.
The video above gives an overview of the points he makes in his book. Zak briefly refers to psychopaths in the video, and the discussion about this personality disorder in his book isn’t much longer. I’m going to extrapolate from his work to discuss the role that oxytocin probably plays in why psychopaths do what they do, and why we respond the way we do.
What is oxytocin?
Oxytocin is both a neurotransmitter, sending signals within the brain, and a hormone, carrying messages in the bloodstream. It plays a huge role in pair bonding, especially for monogamous mammals. It has long been associated with sex, childbirth and breastfeeding.
Research now shows that both men and women release oxytocin, although women release far more. The substance is integrally involved with love and empathy. An article in Scientific American describes oxytocin as nature’s “love glue.”
Be mine forever: Oxytocin may help build long-lasting love, on ScientificAmerican.com.
Intimacy and sex trigger the release of oxytocin. So do feelings of empathy. An easy way to spark the release of oxytocin in people is to give them a hug. Another way is to show that you trust them. Conversation creates a sense of community, which builds trust, which leads to oxytocin release.
In his book, Zak describes a behavioral feedback loop based on oxytocin:
Oxytocin generates the empathy that drives moral behavior, which inspires trust, which causes the release of more oxytocin, which creates more empathy.
But it’s not all love and roses. Oxytocin also helps people know when to be wary. Zak says, “oxytocin maintains the balance between self and other, trust and distrust, approach and withdrawal.”
Testosterone
Testosterone is a hormone associated with aggression, motivation and drive, especially sex drive. Men have more testosterone than women, and young men have twice the level of testosterone as older men. Testosterone is elevated in all psychopaths, both male and female. Hold that thought.
Testosterone is the opposite of oxytocin. In The Moral Molecule, Zak says:
Testosterone specifically interferes with the uptake of oxytocin, producing a damping effect on being caring and feeling. (Page 83 emphasis by Zak.)
Zak also talks about a high-octane version of testosterone called dihydrotestosterone (DHT), which stimulates areas of the brain associated with aggression. Zak writes:
DHT’s affect on the brain is about five times larger than testosterone’s. It not only unleashes aggression, but also increases dopamine, which makes the aggression feel good. (Page 84)
Here are a few more points about testosterone:
High-testosterone males divorce more often, spend less time with their children, engage in competitions of all types, have more sexual partners (as well as learning disabilities), and lose their jobs more often. (Page 90)
Winning too big too often can have a corrosive effect by bathing an individual in testosterone. Always coming out on top, consistently and over time, can reinforce some of the more obnoxious stereotypically male behaviors associated with the hormone. (Page 94)
Administering testosterone has been shown to actually inhibit people’s ability’s to pick up the social cues that eye contact conveys. (Page 95)
Putting this together: Psychopaths have excess testosterone. Testosterone blocks caring and feeling, increases aggression, inhibits the ability to pick up on social cues and correlates with the type of behavior we’ve all seen in psychopaths.
Oxytocin receptors
Oxytocin works by connecting with “oxytocin receptors,” which are present in the mammary glands, uterus and in the central nervous system. However, Zak says that “5 percent of any population lack the oxytocin receptors necessary to bond and behave morally without external reinforcement.” Of course, 5 percent is remarkably close to official estimates for antisocial personality disorder 4 percent of the population.
Zak explains that oxytocin receptors need to be stimulated, starting when humans are babies, in order for them to grow. If the receptors are not stimulated by love and attention early on, they fail to develop, which contributes to a lack of empathy. In an interview with IEEE Spectrum, Zak says that psychopaths seem to lack oxytocin receptors.
Can one chemical be the basis of all morality? on Spectrum.IEEE.org.
In The Moral Molecule, Zak writes:
Psychopaths can have incredible social competence on the cognitive level the trouble is that they simply don’t care bout anyone but themselves. Their lack of empathy allows them to treat others as objects, and their cognitive skill enables them to get away with it. (Page 128)
Oxytocin and the psychopathic experience
Psychopaths do not form authentic, caring love bonds with other people. But they are very good at pretending that they do.
When psychopaths target us for romantic relationships, they shower us with attention and affection. They spend a lot of time talking with us, and conversation builds trust. They say and do things to indicate that they trust us, and we should trust them. They tell stories about themselves designed to appeal to our empathy. They rush us into emotional, physical and sexual intimacy.
All of this causes the release of oxytocin in our brains, which is absolutely normal. Because of the oxytocin, we feel calm, trusting, empathetic and content. We especially feel trusting of the person who caused this reaction in us the psychopath.
The psychopath, however, does not have the normal number of oxytocin receptors. Plus, the psychopath has elevated testosterone, which blocks the release of oxytocin. Therefore, he or she does not experience the effects of the oxytocin, and does not feel trust or empathy.
Researchers are finding many biological components of psychopathy, including the problems with oxytocin. But the oxytocin system operates just fine in many of us who have been targeted by psychopaths. So they love bomb us; we don’t know they are lying; we respond as human are intended to respond to displays of trust and affection, which releases oxytocin.
Psychopathic seduction hijacks the normal human bonding system. That’s an important reason why we get hooked.
If you’d like to know more about oxytocin and how it is supposed to work, read The Moral Molecule, by Paul J. Zak.
The Moral Molecule — the source of love and prosperity, is available on Amazon.com.
I have’t read all of these responses, but find this very informative. Can blood tests be done on criminals locked up for psychopathy symptoms, you know, to help keep them IN JAIL as long as possible? Funny thing is, my ex, true lovefraud story mark ledden, was on testosterone THERAPY because he was a steroid addict for years, messed up all his hormones and stuff, so he was on HRT from the day I met him.
Difficult but a combination of Testosterone levels, monoamine oxidase activity, brain scan activity plus general questioning would give a good indication of sociopathy. There are also some reaction tests and word association tests that could be used.
They problem? It would not hold up in court.
I wanted to post something objective to show how easily sociopaths can fool people. On one gay dating site, one guy posted how ‘really sweet” he is — when I saw that I wanted to puke. Charming, yes. Sweet no.
When I found this profile (I was going to Europe and this is the main Europe gay site) I was curious if the x-spath had a profile there. I did find one, but at first I did not think it was him. All the details were off a bit and the picture did not look that much like him, as in the other profiles I found.
I just went to that site to get the exact words of this complement and I was stunned. The x-spath post two more pictures and he has really, really aged. In fact, none of the three look like the same person.
On one, he looks like an average 40-year old. Interestingly since the first profile I found of his four years ago he looked 25 in the photo. When I met him, he was 35 and attractive, but showing his age. However, I thought him a bit younger, like 32 and was actually happy to learn he was 35.
His looks have aged 8 years in 4 and probably 16 years in 8.
Many say that sociopaths burn out. He smoked when I knew him and drank heavily, but I am stunned how old he looks in these pics, almost to the point where I was even wondering if somebody was using one of his pictures (the best one) and the whole profile is a fake.
Unreal. I guess we reap what we sow.
Behind Blue Eyes – have you considered that he may be a crystal meth addict (meth ages people FAST)? I throw that out there as mine was/is and I’ve taken delight in seeing recent photos of him where hid entire facial structure has changed/aged dramatically and he is clearly not as cute as he once was.
Entirely possible. When I met him, he looked at drawn and hollow, with premature deep nasolabial folds. We I first saw him with his shirt off, I was shocked because he clearly did not take care of himself. I thought alcoholic at the time due his thin arms and legs but having a bit of a paunch.
But he looked much better in pictures from a year late and even the first one he posted on this site. In the next two, he looks horrible.
The other possibility is HIV medication side-effects. Could be both. Plus, he does smoke and drinks heavily.
I do not take delight in this. There is nothing worse for a gay man then to look old. I do, however believe that we all reap what we sow. My only vice is occasionally drinking too much Pale Ale and I fully intend to cut that back plus I will redouble my exercise.
Perhaps this is the closure I was always looking for — a warning of the effects of a shallow life, party and sex oriented life.
BBE! I’ve known a couple of gay gentlemen since I was a child, one was my mother’s boss at the day centre for children with disabilities she worked at. They are both now elderly and as happy as a couple of sandboys. They have a lot of love in their lives and give a lot back. I still have Mr Men books one of the gentlemen would treat me with when I visited my mother’s workplace.
I’ve never dated on line. But a few years ago, I got on one to look around. I created a profile but kept it hidden. I began getting emails from the site with “matches” they had chosen for me. There was my sister’s ex-husband. A spath alcoholic who woos her and cheats on her in a repetitive cycle she has chosen to keep in her life for her own reasons. I told her about it. I don’t know if I felt worse for her with her ex-husband on there telling a bunch of lies about himself looking for women or ME for having him be chosen for me! I don’t think the online thing would be too safe for me.
Sociopaths try to cover their tracks but the Internet is smaller then they think, especially in the gay world. The first time I found a profile of the x-spath, it was accident via “matching” questions, as i said on a primarily American site that is primarily straight but inclusive of gays. Just by googling that profile name led me to other profiles of the x-spath on porn sites and sex cam sites. He is no longer active on this site.
The next two times I found profiles of his, where on trips of mine to Europe. The first of these was the type of site where I did not expect to see the x-spath’s profile, but one was there, albeit inactive. The second time was a mainly Continental European site and he was and is very active there. Not surprising for a flight attendant but I noticed a pattern — as far as I could tell, he was not active on the main British gay sites, although he does have profiles there. He is very active on non-British gay sites. On the one I saw again today, he is very, very active judging by the number of profile views (over 15,000). Here he lies about his age, location in London and personal details.
The implication is obvious. For whatever reasons, he is not very active in London, but very active internationally. Could he actually have a “partner” and is trying to hide his activities? My take, however, is that uses these international sites to arrange liaisons in cities to which he is flying.
But, just like your sister’s husband, he was found out.
I do not like online dating and find it a waste of time.
Hi Donna and Tea Light,
Yes, it has only been ~ 3 weeks since he last e-mailed me…and a call. I admit I missed his voice and at the same time, it made me feel fear?, scared?, I am not even sure what I felt, but I did not speak with him. I did not want to, I was certain of that. The last face to face was over 6 months ago. It seems like forever. It did bring up more pain. NC really was the BEST piece of input I first received here.
I do feel somewhat stronger, but I also still feel very sad. I feel deep- sad. I loved someone who did not love me. I know he cannot, but that he did not…just hurts. I am no where near as angry as I was. I think the education on the disorder helps alot with that. I had once given my Father a complete pass and forgiveness on his lack of love and proper nurturing, along with alot of abuse. He was a very unwell man, maybe spath. He is gone now. Point being, I get it, that someone cannot give what they do not have within to give. If there brain does not feel love, they cannot love us. I do accept that now.
Serenity, I too thought…”maybe I am the spath, maybe I am the sick one??!!”
A terrible feeling, to be sure. I asked my ex-H, friends, family? What did they think? Well, I certainly do have some not so desirable traits, but I am an empath to the core…they all assured me that they always felt loved and cared for by me. I do think this is part of the shame/blame “they” try to leave us with. The man I knew wanted me to believe I was discarded because I did not measure up to his needs, expectations. I was put down alot at the end. It can leave us reeling and questioning everything we thought we knew about ourselves. It is still feeling that way to me.
I am going through time now where I look back over things he said and did that hurt so deep, cry them out…again. I want to release any residue. I am also seeing that I ought to have never wanted the love of a man who did not treat me with honor, respect. Unmet love in childhood. The boundary problem. Trying very hard to catch myself when I walk out in the world with my heart and mind open for all to see. Dangerous way to live.
Love and hugs to all, I am so very grateful for this healing place!
Bluemosaic.
Showing someone you trust them sparks a release of oxytocin…my spath knew that well. Almost from our first date he would slide the check over to me to figure out and write in the tip. It DID make me feel trusted and more receptive to him. Later, when I discovered receipts for various dinners that didn’t include me, the tips were always written in a feminine hand. He worked that trick with all of us.
HanaleiMoon – OMG – how insidious.
The psycho I was involved with knew exactly what the chemical reaction I would have be during our love bombing phase….She even told me as such. She rewired my brain and I was totally oblivious to it. I’m the world’s biggest shmuck for trusting this psycho slut!!
SPacific – you were human reacting as humans are biologically designed to react. The point of knowing about how the brain is rewired is that we can stop beating ourselves up for it.
Hi Everyone,
I’ve been around LF for a long time, but don’t post much. Just to say I feel a kinship with everyone here, even those of you who are new. This site makes my Oxytocin levels go up!
Great Ted Talk. I nearly spit my tea out when the speaker said that massage, hugs, and DANCING all raise Oxytocin levels. The last spath I was entangled with teaches a dancey kind of exercise, and ‘self-awareness’ movement workshops. That’s how he gets all these women (and a few men) to pay his rent, buy him airline tickets, and basically lives a parasitic lifestyle. They are so flooded with Oxytocin they practically give him the shirts off their backs.
In his private life he was generally busy love-bombing several women, and in his public life he was using dance to raise hormone levels. A real hard worker this one!
I can laugh now. This would have made me puke several years ago. Now I shake my head and wonder where science will take us over the next however many years. There is so much to understand about how and why humans are the way they are.
For those of you still pining (sometimes) for you ex’s. Imposing a strict NO contact (no spying on social media, changing your #’s, etc…), so you have absolutely no knowledge of them is what worked for me. That, and I did yoga, got massages, tried to sleep well, stayed away from drugs and too much alcohol, and spent time with only those people who were totally supportive and kind. Probably all things that helped tweak my Oxy levels.
Tending to our own wellness is really important when we have been flooded, and then denied, these feel-good hormones. For me exercise, hugs, massage, sleep, therapy, and nature helped me find my own source of ‘feel good’.
I hope every one here finds theirs…..
Much love, Slim
Slim, I read through your post and although I feel I’m past the stage of pining over him and missing he himself, I am still pining over the loss and waste of 4 years as well as feeling foolish, crazy, and stupid for staying in so long and listening to my gut. how did you tackle that and when did you notice a change?
I’m also struggling with motivation. I became very alcohol dependent during the course of our 4 year ordeal as a coping mechanism and now its become a habit to have a few glasses of wine after work and still party hard on the weekends. I’m working on cutting that out. I used to be a super athlete and did any and all kinds of activities. My life for the last 4 years was him so I’ve stopped doing those things and I’m out of shape. I keep thinking to myself: “Am I too far gone?” I was young 29 at the time I met him but he’s AGED me beyond belief!! Now I’m 33, 15 pounds heavier, and not feeling that I’ll ever feel physically “normal” again.
I understand that I need to just get out there and start doing things to love myself….quit drinking, start exercising, getting massages etc….but I still feel like crap MENTALLY as I’m doing these “things” What do you tell yourself??
Thanks
Serenity,
I felt the same. Total crap. For probably close to 3 years. Then just weak, like a new born baby for another year. Then it started to lift. During those years I simply kept at it. I went to yoga or for a walk, sometimes when it felt like torture. I cried buckets and buckets of tears. I went to therapy and grieved over the loss of innocence about the world, my childhood, my dreams and fantasies- about how most everything worked in the universe.
I would say, without question, it was the most difficult awakening I have ever had. Really, probably THE awakening of my life. And when I woke up it was dark, lonely, confusing, exhausting, empty, and a big giant trudge.
I didn’t ‘fake it’ till I was going to ‘make it’. The pain and work was real. The effort was real. But it was the only way for me. I didn’t pretend to be happy, or content, or even the slightest bit excited by much of anything. But I had a couple of really supportive and understanding friends, my therapist (bless her!), and some tiny desire to rise from the ashes of my sadness and loss. I cried in the bank, on airplanes, at work (I got fired for underperformance..and a hard-hearted boss). I took antidepressants, for a few months, until the side effects just weren’t worth it for me. (they work well for some).
And, Serenity, I did not love myself during this time. I felt ashamed and humiliated. But I didn’t stop. Something deep in me knew I could get to the other side of HIS shame (that HE left me with), and my own deep sorrow at having been so thoroughly naive to the malice of those who cannot feel love.
The experience of painful betrayal and second-hand shame slowly became encased in knowledge. It became a gem of wisdom and strength. It no longer swirled around in my feeling body, or my mind. Instead it was firmly contained in all that I learned about the subject of personality disorders, and other related subjects.
We can never get those years back, or our innocence. But we can gain a kind of strength and deep understanding that we are born stronger, smarter, and more capable. More appreciative too.
It takes time, time, time and perseverance. You are still a spring chick, Serenity. I promise you that! You have lots of years ahead to accomplish so much. I was in my late 40’s and felt my world come crashing down. In a way it was a greater beginning than I could ever imagine.
Keep learning. Keep being honest with yourself about where you are (it’s OK!). Keep waking up, eating, sleeping, listening to music that you love, being with your friends, petting your dog or cat, working hard, giving love to other’s (when you can, even in little ways), saying ‘no’ and ‘yes’ when you want to……
As for drinking. It isn’t going to derail you unless you feel you have a real problem. Check in with yourself. Only you can take care of you. Right?
Take good care,
Slim
Serenity, slimone’s comments are directly on point. I can identify with your feeling of having aged, but you are so, so young. In my case I was cruelly abandoned almost two years ago after a seven year relationship…I was 56 at the time. It is hard work on a daily basis but know it does get better. I can’t stress the no contact enough. Although I have had no direct contact with him since the day he pulled the rug out from under me, I had been googling him once in awhile since he has been in the press for harassing some female employees at his job. Unfortunately a couple of months ago I found out that way that he is getting married next month. Now, I don’t wish he was marrying me or want him back but it did set me back a ways knowing I have spent every day of this time cleaning up the mess he left me in, and have a long way to go, while he has moved on like nothing happened. I knew that intellectually but didn’t need evidence. I’m now protecting myself from ANY contact in any form. We still share a piece of real estate that is being handled through attorneys and that is contact enough.
Slimone, I am printing out your posts and keeping them close by…great insight and advice.
Thank you. I cut and copied and high lighted and printed this out!!
Really grateful for this encouraging post Slimone, I’d like to hear more about your recovery advice , I’d appreciate a full article from you on this subject.
How true it is that we must tend to our own wellness. I, too, grieve at times for the loss of 10 years of my life with this psycho. But I make a point of surrounding myself with those who truly love me. NO CONTACT is difficult as I live a mere 5 houses away but I do the best I can. Life is not easy for me but I try to take time to count the blessings. Like any addict, I have my days when I feel as though I might fall apart but that feeling does subside. I feel all the feelings that we all who come to this site feel. Love life. Be brave. Karma is a bitch and I know in my heart that he WILL be taken care of.
So true…I did get him his karma a few days ago by running into his new GF and warning her and telling her everything I knew. I too only live down the street. I worry every morning to work I’m going to see him. I hope that goes away soon:(
This is the thing therose, there are some posters here who live very near their abusers and therefore even if they do not have children with them No Contact in these cases has to be managed within that context, meaning that blocking their means of contacting you by phone, email or text, returning gifts or mail unopened, or simply binning it without any reply, all these measures that we speak about here. But obviously if you are in the same town or even city or streets away or on the same street and moving is not an immediate option then you run the risk of unwanted sightings. Simple ignoring is best in those cases, though the ideal is obviously to get as far away from them as possible. All the very best with all your efforts to stay a far away as you are able at this time.
I got to thinking about a part of this thread, about no contact. Some of us here are still consciously engaging with disordered people for a variety of reasons (children, debility and dependence, or other unknowns). I don’t have any particular judgement regarding continued contact, not really. But I do have feelings about it.
Primarily I feel worry and sadness. Worry that more and more harm will come to any of you. Sadness at the limitations to your potential for happiness, fulfillment; for each person’s self actualization this decision brings. I know life is complex, and one solution cannot fit every set of circumstances. But for those of us who have the ability, I believe no contact is currently the best starting place for real healing.
And I hope each of us here who has that option will make the commitment to start it and keep it going. I think because, as this article so eloquently points out, these relationships trigger deep automatic responses in us. Much like ‘drugs’ or other addictive substances.
It makes sense that we cannot fully ‘detoxify’ if we are in contact, or using, a substance. Even if it is in small amounts.
Studies show continued contact with a substance, set of circumstances, or even circle of peers who still use drugs, is detrimental to the full recovery of an addict.
If we are addicted to a substance we can continue to choose to have some kind of contact or relationship with that drug. We can go to bars, but not drink. Hang out with our old coke-head buddies, but not use. But what does this do for our TOTAL recovery, our ability to reach our potential as individuals?
We aren’t going to get much support and healing from our old drug buddies, and we will be constantly tempted to join them in their addiction. We can get caught in the cycle of trying to save them, while we are barely above water ourselves. Another way of looking at it is we can still keep using the cocaine. Getting the false sense of importance, energy, and vitality the drug provides; all the while slowly dying inside……If we really have a choice why choose this one?
Likewise, we aren’t going to get much from keeping tabs on the lies posted on the ex’s facebook page, or reading their snake-charming texts, or trying to convince their ‘true believers’ that they are crap. It only drains us of our energy, takes up our precious time, and keeps us in the cycle of addiction. The one where we use, feel high, then feel like poop, then are filled with remorse and regret, and then crave to use again to relieve ourselves of remorse and regret (or shame). Just like cocaine, the disordered person CANNOT relieve you of the very awful results of being in contact with them. Any more than cocaine can help you feel better from using cocaine.
The love-bombing we ‘felt’ was intense (maybe more intense than any Oxytocin ‘hit’ we’d ever had before!). But just like a chemical substance it delivered temporary and limited results. Results followed by deeply negative feelings and experiences.
But with non-disordered people, who have empathy, and the biological ability to create lasting commitments to one another the possibilities are great. We can find extended periods of joy, contentment, fun, tenderness, shared grief, community, support. These are the people to tend to, to nurture, and give our time and talents to (besides our selves..).
In the meantime, if you can, stay no contact. Say NO to those who would destroy you.
Slim