Invariably, once we realize we’ve been conned by a psychopath, this person has lied to us from the very beginning, and we fell for all of it, we ask why? Why did we believe? Why did we trust?
The short answer is that we did what we, as social animals, are biologically designed to do. Human beings have evolved over millennia to live in community, and trust is the glue that holds us together.
I just finished reading The Moral Molecule the source of love and prosperity, by Paul J. Zak. Zak spent 10 years researching a brain chemical called oxytocin and its role in human behavior. He says oxytocin inspires trust; trust is connected to morality; and morality is connected to the survival of the human race.
The video above gives an overview of the points he makes in his book. Zak briefly refers to psychopaths in the video, and the discussion about this personality disorder in his book isn’t much longer. I’m going to extrapolate from his work to discuss the role that oxytocin probably plays in why psychopaths do what they do, and why we respond the way we do.
What is oxytocin?
Oxytocin is both a neurotransmitter, sending signals within the brain, and a hormone, carrying messages in the bloodstream. It plays a huge role in pair bonding, especially for monogamous mammals. It has long been associated with sex, childbirth and breastfeeding.
Research now shows that both men and women release oxytocin, although women release far more. The substance is integrally involved with love and empathy. An article in Scientific American describes oxytocin as nature’s “love glue.”
Be mine forever: Oxytocin may help build long-lasting love, on ScientificAmerican.com.
Intimacy and sex trigger the release of oxytocin. So do feelings of empathy. An easy way to spark the release of oxytocin in people is to give them a hug. Another way is to show that you trust them. Conversation creates a sense of community, which builds trust, which leads to oxytocin release.
In his book, Zak describes a behavioral feedback loop based on oxytocin:
Oxytocin generates the empathy that drives moral behavior, which inspires trust, which causes the release of more oxytocin, which creates more empathy.
But it’s not all love and roses. Oxytocin also helps people know when to be wary. Zak says, “oxytocin maintains the balance between self and other, trust and distrust, approach and withdrawal.”
Testosterone
Testosterone is a hormone associated with aggression, motivation and drive, especially sex drive. Men have more testosterone than women, and young men have twice the level of testosterone as older men. Testosterone is elevated in all psychopaths, both male and female. Hold that thought.
Testosterone is the opposite of oxytocin. In The Moral Molecule, Zak says:
Testosterone specifically interferes with the uptake of oxytocin, producing a damping effect on being caring and feeling. (Page 83 emphasis by Zak.)
Zak also talks about a high-octane version of testosterone called dihydrotestosterone (DHT), which stimulates areas of the brain associated with aggression. Zak writes:
DHT’s affect on the brain is about five times larger than testosterone’s. It not only unleashes aggression, but also increases dopamine, which makes the aggression feel good. (Page 84)
Here are a few more points about testosterone:
High-testosterone males divorce more often, spend less time with their children, engage in competitions of all types, have more sexual partners (as well as learning disabilities), and lose their jobs more often. (Page 90)
Winning too big too often can have a corrosive effect by bathing an individual in testosterone. Always coming out on top, consistently and over time, can reinforce some of the more obnoxious stereotypically male behaviors associated with the hormone. (Page 94)
Administering testosterone has been shown to actually inhibit people’s ability’s to pick up the social cues that eye contact conveys. (Page 95)
Putting this together: Psychopaths have excess testosterone. Testosterone blocks caring and feeling, increases aggression, inhibits the ability to pick up on social cues and correlates with the type of behavior we’ve all seen in psychopaths.
Oxytocin receptors
Oxytocin works by connecting with “oxytocin receptors,” which are present in the mammary glands, uterus and in the central nervous system. However, Zak says that “5 percent of any population lack the oxytocin receptors necessary to bond and behave morally without external reinforcement.” Of course, 5 percent is remarkably close to official estimates for antisocial personality disorder 4 percent of the population.
Zak explains that oxytocin receptors need to be stimulated, starting when humans are babies, in order for them to grow. If the receptors are not stimulated by love and attention early on, they fail to develop, which contributes to a lack of empathy. In an interview with IEEE Spectrum, Zak says that psychopaths seem to lack oxytocin receptors.
Can one chemical be the basis of all morality? on Spectrum.IEEE.org.
In The Moral Molecule, Zak writes:
Psychopaths can have incredible social competence on the cognitive level the trouble is that they simply don’t care bout anyone but themselves. Their lack of empathy allows them to treat others as objects, and their cognitive skill enables them to get away with it. (Page 128)
Oxytocin and the psychopathic experience
Psychopaths do not form authentic, caring love bonds with other people. But they are very good at pretending that they do.
When psychopaths target us for romantic relationships, they shower us with attention and affection. They spend a lot of time talking with us, and conversation builds trust. They say and do things to indicate that they trust us, and we should trust them. They tell stories about themselves designed to appeal to our empathy. They rush us into emotional, physical and sexual intimacy.
All of this causes the release of oxytocin in our brains, which is absolutely normal. Because of the oxytocin, we feel calm, trusting, empathetic and content. We especially feel trusting of the person who caused this reaction in us the psychopath.
The psychopath, however, does not have the normal number of oxytocin receptors. Plus, the psychopath has elevated testosterone, which blocks the release of oxytocin. Therefore, he or she does not experience the effects of the oxytocin, and does not feel trust or empathy.
Researchers are finding many biological components of psychopathy, including the problems with oxytocin. But the oxytocin system operates just fine in many of us who have been targeted by psychopaths. So they love bomb us; we don’t know they are lying; we respond as human are intended to respond to displays of trust and affection, which releases oxytocin.
Psychopathic seduction hijacks the normal human bonding system. That’s an important reason why we get hooked.
If you’d like to know more about oxytocin and how it is supposed to work, read The Moral Molecule, by Paul J. Zak.
The Moral Molecule — the source of love and prosperity, is available on Amazon.com.
Slimone – So nice of you to drop by! And thank you so much for your words of encouragement – It is so helpful to hear from people who have made it to the other side to the betrayal and found themselves again.
A psychologist said to me that brilliant people live in their own world; sociopaths live in a world far from reality; a brilliant sociopath lives in the most dangerous world of all.
Wow.
Lost…an interesting comment. I always thought my exspath was so intelectually(book smarts) dumb. I am a science teacher and I don’t think in 4 years we ever talked about a science issue…what I struggle with is that if he’s so intellectually DUMB how could he LIE so easily and trick ME who IS intelectual and I didn’t think I was life dumb either….
Another consideration regarding Oxytocin and bonding is that anonymous sex makes normal people feel empty and depressed, mostly likely due to the bonding process, something very important for child rearing, is broken. Thus, there is negative reinforcement in a normal person.
This does not happen with sociopaths, probably due to their non-functioning Oxytocin receptors. They do not feel empty after anonymous sex and go after more for the excitement.
Well, hello, back to you, Donna! Thank you again for this website. Without you and all the posters on Love Fraud, I’m afraid I might have chosen a very permanent solution to a temporary problem, although when I was in the thick of it, it didn’t feel temporary. It felt as unmovable as a mountain sitting on my chest. But I kept reading LoveFraud and hanging on by my fingernails…and I kept praying to the Almighty.
Let me say a word about that…
If you need a lawyer, He is the best in the Universe.
Need a best friend? You couldn’t ask for a better One. He always listens.
Career counselor…well, I found a job I love and that pays me more money than I have been making for many years. All on the spur of the moment, falling into my lap when I thought all was lost. Thank you so much, Lord!
Lonely heart? Ask Him to pick someone for you, you won’t regret it! He’s the best Match Maker around and He’s free! You won’t even have to write a profile. He knows everything about you.
In fact, He’s the BEST at everything. Just lay the whole mess in front of Him and stand back. And thank Him even before the solutions start pouring in. Gratitude is so important. Act as if things are ok, because they are! And don’t forget to mention who is helping you to others. No preaching, just let others know He doesn’t let us down. Because He doesn’t, if you let Him do it. Be still and He will fight for you.
I pray for all of you every night. God Bless You!
Hi Slimone,
Thx for your post on self care. I had a break in NC, and I feel humiliated and sad again. I appreciate your posting, the simple and direct means of how to take care of ourselves. I have lost the clean lifestyle I had when I met him. During my time with him, I let all the healthy behaviors I once practiced, drop away from me.
My nutrition was clean and simple, I am now readdicted to some level, to sugar. I was a non-smoker, I am now readdicted to smoking. (I had 5 yrs clean) I regularly did exercise and outdoor time. I still do, but mostly because it is my field of work, not because I feel as energetic or fufilled by it as I once did. I have had sleep problems since early on in relationship. I still wake between 3-4 am.
All of it has really taken a toll on me, how I feel. My inner being is in distress.
Mostly, thx for being here still, to show us that in time we can heal. I feel so broken, this has definitely been a huge life lesson, and I am still in a pit of thinking about him.
Serenity, Hugs to you! I once felt so happy and full of “light”, and then he came…like a vampire, he sucked me dry of the light/joy I had. I pray for us both that we will be happy again and at peace like the ones here that are further along in recovery. And stronger..wiser.
This article is really amazing. The intensity I felt for him was an oxy-tocin high and a delusion. Mind blowing and sobering at the same time.
Bluemosaic
Newlife: Thank you for the post. It was inspiring to me today. I was starting to feel sorry for myself because of the holiday weekend is here and I don’t have any plans. I would have been with him at the festival and concerts. The pain of rejection has been unbearable at times. And then the fact that another has taken my place. (of course, my head knows what she is in for).
I am trying to hold onto my faith, which is very important to me.
One day, I want to be totally healed.
To Be Free, I understand how you feel, and almost two years in, certain times and events make me start to feel sorry for myself because I am alone too. I am starting to think the time is coming when I will want to be with someone again, doing similar fun things. But not him. I too can recall activities we were doing together in years past and thought I was so happy, but now, with the wisdom of time, knowledge and insight, I know a lot of these “fun” times were not what I thought they were, and many (most?) of them were marred with him dictating my behavior, manipulating me, getting angry for no reason, him getting mysterious texts (from his daughter, his trainer, his doctor, his boss, haha) and sometimes just randomly getting angry and embarrassing me in front of others. Many (most?) of those days included me crying at some point or scrambling to make him “happy”.
My therapist told me something that helped me a lot and may help you. As I began to recover and went from thinking of him constantly to hourly to daily to weekly to once in awhile, there were some times where I seemed to relapse and get back into the obsessive thinking. She told me that our systems are wired (my words) to subconsciously “recall” anniversaries, and she pointed out that this was happening at certain significant times, and that it may happen for a long time. A couple of weeks ago, I noticed I had started thinking of him often for no seeming reason when I realized it was an anniversary time. As soon as I recognized that, the thoughts lost their power and I got past it very quickly.
You are doing great to realize that the one who has taken your place is in for a rough road as will all the ones who will inevitably follow her. He will never have an honest and real relationship with any of these women and they will all end up hurt, or worse, destroyed. You are the lucky one. My ex is getting married next month and I fear for the woman, though I have never met her. But this is not my business…I am the lucky one.
Do something fun with yourself this weekend if it is only taking a walk in your neighborhood, hanging in your backyard with a cold drink and a good book, renting a movie you’ve been wanting to see or taking a minute to look up at the stars and be thankful to be alive. I think everyone here would tell you that the tiniest of baby steps add up to healing.
HM:
Thank you for the post.
It certainly has been baby steps, but at least it has been in the right direction. It has been almost 6 months when I broke up with him for cheating and of course the many other spath behavior that I just couldn’t live with anymore. But it has only been 1 month of total NC.
So, of course it has been a roller coaster ride for those 5 months.
I do feel lucky that I didn’t marry him. I know that I was spared from even more heart ache.
I know what you mean about always trying to make him happy and never measuring up, according to him. It was so frustrating.
My children hated him. He never wanted them around and they knew it. I was the one who tried to make the whole picture work. It only turned into a color of dark/gloom!
It is great to hear others have come along in the healing process and it gives the rest of us hope.
To Be Free: You made a good choice not to marry him. I hope you are giving yourself credit for continuing to work at protecting yourself. It’s you doing this for yourself and your kids.
Here is that article that explains a brain chemical that keeps people addicted to people who become bad for them.
This explains why I miss him so much when he is not around, why is life chaotic when he is around, and why he keeps changing jobs often and cannot learn from mistakes.
Interesting article. Before I fled my spath I discovered that he has been taking testosterone (probably to help “jump start” his waning virility). His behavior during that time was becoming more and more aggressive and intolerable. I didn’t know until after I left him that he’d been cheating on me since I first met him more than 20 years before. His taking testosterone was like pouring gasoline on an already overly aggressive fire, but his relationship with his family obviously to a back seat to his sexual prowess and performance.