Saturday night, the Lovefraud reader “rriinnaa” posted the following under Heeding the Exploiter’s Earliest Warning:
I cant stop crying .. and I dont know what Im crying over ! Im crying over the happy-go-lucky joyful loving warm Rina.. the woman I once was .. THAT I POSSIBLY won’t be again ”¦. i want to be held and rocked until this pain goes away, but i have to work, i have to pay bills,i have to bring up my children ”¦ all the PROMISES HE MADE TO ME, “when you cry Rina, I will cry with you” ”¦.. “I would die for you Rina—¦. “such simple things make you happy Rina”.. “Rina, you are the light in my life—¦ “Rina, you are strong and I believe in you” .. AND AND AND AND AND AND AND .. oh my god AND I BELIEVED EVERYTHING HE EVER SAID TO ME”¦ I believed him .. he hated me because I was strong and he did everything in his power to crush that.. he didnt have that sense of fun, that wacky sense of humour, that friendliness that everyone fell in love with THAT WAS ME, THAT WAS THE GIRL HE MET”¦. and I have lost that girl i once was.. i want it back, i want to live and laugh and be happy .. he has turned me into his apprentice monster ”¦ oh my god !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TELL ME THERE IS KARMA.. TELL ME HE WILL HURT ONE DAY PLEASE TELL ME THAT HE FEELS .. yeah right ”¦”¦”¦I still can’t get it in my head THAT HE IS A SICK SOCIOPATH.. I STILL CANT BELIEVE I FELL IN LOVE WITH THAT THING ! IM GOING CRAZY .. i cant get my head around it .. i saw a psychologist.. it was the worst thing i could have done last week ..IS THERE A GROUP MEETING WHERE I CAN TALK TO REAL PEOPLE IN MELBOURNE ABOUT THIS MONSTER ????? can someone guide me to somewhere, someone that understands what I am going through ????????????????????
i am sorry”¦ i am ranting”¦. maybe i have finally gone over the edge ? nooooooo NO NO .. i never will. I will find the strength.. .again .. im up and down and my kids are suffering.. as much as I try to hide it ”¦”¦. they feel it, they see it and I HATE HIM FOR DOING THIS TO ME I HATE HIM ..
I remember feeling like this. In fact, when I read Rina’s message, I got that old tightening in my chest, that inability to breathe, that constantly-on-the-verge-of-tears feeling again.
I remember the rage, the hatred, the utter despair.
They’re normal reactions to the betrayal of a sociopath.
Why it’s so bad
We’ve all had romantic relationships end before. Why the end of a relationship with a sociopath so much worse?
First of all, the scale of the deception is beyond what most of us have ever experienced. These people don’t just lie about where they were last night. Their entire lives are lies—everything they ever did, every human relationship they ever had. In my case, as I started to unravel what was really going on, each day brought another fabrication, another betrayal. Recently, nine years after I left my sociopathic ex-husband, I discovered yet another lie. It never ends.
Then, the degree to which we were used is unbelievable. My ex-husband wanted a place to live, reliable sex and someone to finance his dreams of grandeur. All his love notes, his little gifts, and his forever promises, were designed to make me provide those things. It worked. Then, two and a half years later when I was used up, he moved on.
But perhaps the biggest reason why it’s so bad is because sociopaths steal our dreams and use them against us. In those heady early days of the relationship, as the sociopaths listen intently, we’re spilling our guts, telling them what we really want, what is really important to us, what we want out of life. We think they’re listening because they truly want everything that we want. In reality, they’re listening to discover the deepest places within us where they can set their hooks.
Sooner or later, it all collapses.
At that point, we lose our trust—trust in other people, trust in ourselves, trust if life itself. And as Karin Huffer writes in the Legal Abuse Syndrome, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
Dealing with the pain
We’re left with the emotional wreckage—along with very real problems like physical illness and injury, financial devastation, caring for children and legal issues. And all of it was caused by someone who supposedly loved us. What do we do?
The only way out of the pain is through it.
People often call and ask me how to cope. I suggest that you hold yourself together while dealing with the practical, financial and legal issues. Somehow, you have to keep your emotions in check so you can think and make decisions.
But after those concerns are handled, and you are alone, let it rip. Allow yourself to cry, yell and curse. Get physical—stomp your feet or twist towels. My personal favorite was envisioning my ex-husband’s face on a pillow, and punching the crap out of it. (For more information, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.)
Why do we need to do this? Because emotions are physical. They are not intellectual concepts that will dissipate upon discussion. They are physical sensations, and must be dealt with physically. The tears, yelling and punching are the means by which the emotional pain is drained from the body.
What you’ll find is that there are layers and layers of pain—you’ll release some, and more will rise to the surface. So you do the exercise again. And again. And again.
Older, deeper pains
Then what you’ll find is that older pains—injuries not inflicted by the sociopath—will also rise to the surface. Perhaps they were injuries from your family of origin, or other relationships, or profound disappointments in your life.
When you find these pains, you have struck gold. These are the pains that made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place. They too, must be released. When they are no longer buried within you, you will be able to move into a new life of peace, contentment and happiness.
It’s hard to believe this when you are in the midst of the trauma. But it is true—you can pass through the pain and come out the other side. The process is not pretty. A therapist, if you can find one who gets it, may be able to guide you, but you alone must do the work. And it will take time.
Many of us on Lovefraud have talked about how we’ve become stronger, wiser individuals after our run-ins with the sociopaths. This is how it happens. We persevere through the pain, and then we are set free.
i wrote this to a friend this am –
oh,oh, it’s coming up ————–the big sob.
she built him and then SHE TOOK HIM AWAY FROM ME. OWW OWW OW OW.
I hate it when people do that- really. it is like they cut us open, surgery time – but instead of putting in the life saving implant, they just walk away from the operation, possibly throwing in a sponge…and then just go off and find the next ‘patient’.
and that is the wail that i have. SHE BUILT HIM AND THEN SHE TOOK HIM AWAY FROM ME. Life writ large, a dream, the turning of my life back to innocence…..the turning of my love back to innocence by going to something so outside of what i have known, something both perverse and innocent. giving innocence to perversity. allowing me to be whole.
i don’t think i felt a dram of guilt in my life until i came out as a lesbian, and until i had an abortion. and as i sit here and think about the age that child would be now, i see a corelation between ‘his’ age and the childs age and i feel RAGE towards her for making this boy and taking him away from me.
it wasn’t until i met BB (beauty boy) that the chatter in my head about having a child – which has existed for 26 years – shifted. i realized i want a child. and then she took that away also. AND had one of the sock puppets being impregnated with ‘his’ sperm after ‘his death’. this evil bitch. this evil evil bitch.
this lousy bitch. and her great gift.
i also wrote this to my friend today: re trust – what tangling with a sociopath has shown me is that i need to redo my safety system from the ground up. it is a huge opportunity to work some things out. the bitch has left me a gift. i will open the gift. then i will hunt her down and kill her.
just kidding.
kinda. 😉
best,
one step
Oh one step – I had no idea – I am so so sorry. I find strange coincidences like that in my life too – anniversary reactions – and for some reason I can never remember on the day – the days before it I dread it coming up and after the day I am gutted that for yet another year I have forgotten, my mind doesn’t want me to remember.
I felt guilt initially and then internalised it into shame – rather than it being a bad act, I became a bad person because of the act. I hated myself for such a long time and when I had worked through most of it and actually wanted a baby, he made conditions hell so I knew it wouldn’t be safe. They are evil – they take what we most want and dangle it in front of us to torment us – if we just do a bit more, become more, try harder then maybe just maybe we’ll get it … and then after we’ve performed like circus seals, they rip the carpet out from under us and laugh saying it was all a joke. It’s heartbreaking. I really feel for you. I’m so sorry you went through that. I’m so sorry you still live with it. And I’m sorry this bitch used your desire against you. I can understand the want to kill someone now – I never could before. But now I do.
Sending you big hugs and a hair stroking session – I think there is something so soothing in someone stroking your face and hair when upset. Can you write it out? Write fast without editing yourself – the desire to kill will abate a bit. It’s better out than in for us. It does come back though many many times. I am finding writing it helpful but you might have another method. I’m really sorry One Step for the people that didn’t support you and didn’t recognise your light – you’re a great person and I can tell that from across the other side of the world.
Polly:
I remembered when we were engaged……for the 10 thousandth time…..and he comes up with….
I WANT A PRE NUPT.
WTF???? I was 22, he was 28……we had nothing…..
I said to him……what do you have to PRENUPT?
Looking back…..I am thinking he had cash back then, from selling dope…..It AMAZES me….I was so damn innocent!! (AKA STUPID).
Even if I ‘went’ along with the prenupt idea…..he’d have to disclose all ‘assets’ for it to be valid….and we know damn good and well……THAT WOULDN”T HAVE HAPPENED!!
So in his head…..he had a prenupt…..it was a special prenupt…..called the SOCIOPATHIC PRENUPT!!!
It’s more of a thought process………
WHAT”S YOURS IS MINE;…..AND WHATS MINE IS MINE……
I reversed his theory, back at him IN COURT!!!!!
Take the art…..it was painted by his mother (hence the reason it adorned my rental house and NOT my home)…..a woman who abandoned him as a child…..and he HATES-DESPISES……so when ya get some walls to hang it on…..think of her always!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
FUCKER!
Eeeek Erin – so many layers of sickness. He carries around art from his mother who abandoned him? WTF???
And as for demanding a pre nup if you have no assetts – well that reminds me of the scripts – just plain stupidity. I think he thought I would fight him on that one but I thought to myself ‘Nah it’s just ideas and I can have hundreds more ideas – chances are he’ll do nothing with them anyway’. So maybe that’s the motivation with these stupid claims – they’re trying to provoke us to retaliate.
I am laughing at your proving his theory wrong = that really is what they think isn’t it? Because we don’t exist except as adoration machines. Wow. Just Wow. It’s amazing you managed to accumulate two properties with a man like that working against you. I am amazed I have managed to hang onto one. It could have been so much worse though – we investigated buying some cheap doer uppers – my gut put me off though. And experience. This one was a fix up from the ground up and I ended up doing 95% of the work with my own hands because he wouldn’t help and there wasn’t money to hire people – he was a compulsive spender in addition to being an all round bastard!
Kathy,
i can’t thank u enough for ur answer, it became kind of my internal bible, i am reading it day after day.
I do not have a word how to thank u on ur care and ur time as well, and hand u offered.
It resonates so huge what u said:
“…someone can have some very good characteristics that are attractive to you, and turn out to be hiding some really dreadful characteristics that really challenge your ability to judge and react appropriately…”
and it was a real TRAP, an ambush.
Like many of people here, i was raised in traditional familly and i did not have a chance to live my youth. Maybe it was not the worst part, but the worst part is that i had no chance to get life experience, to meet people and to get to know that not all of people are like i am – compassionate, helpful, honest. Never thought that someone can hurt u just for some pleasure, or in order to get some low benefit.
He used to tell me:” What u are doing for me no one can imagine is posible, even my own parents would not do that much..i dunno how will i ever be able to pay u back”..and he payed back: by ruining my whole life, my family, my bank account, my health and everything he could ruine.
I could not even imagine there are people who are able to harm u back for all the good u have done for them – from LOVE, from care, empathy and simpathy!
The worst i expected was that someone may be ungratefull and take some things as granted, as our little children do, because they DO NOT KNOW for something else, they have no experience.
.Even, if i never expected him to be thankful nor pay me back ANYTHING, at least i never expected to get a kniefe in my back, too. And it was all i got. I believed HE is the one who will protect my back, the same way as i protected his.
Thanks for ur hand, i will hold it tight…..
Love and blessings to all!
PS: i do not regret for anything i gave to him, i do not hate him, but I DO REGRET for many things: that i was so opened to someone who probably was laughing to it. i allowed myself some behaviour which i never would with someone i am not sure that loves me back as i do, some foolishmentss, i would never reveal some deepest secrets and fears, thoughts…mine and my familly’s. I dont think he will use it , not because i “trust him” but because he knows that what i know about him can harm him more than what he knows about me..
Recently, i told him i am going to write a book, as a warning to other women…he told me: u can’t do that, it will hurt my familly .
YEAH! What about me, my family, my child..he never thought on it…what about other families he ruined, married women with children, what about all the harm he did to so many people?????
HELP!!!
Thanks to everyone who has posted and suggested so many things for me. I think this is my biggest hold up and wonder if you guys can help me get over this specific anger.
I realized that money is my trigger. I came to this country as a teenager and had to support myself and family being the oldest child. When I married this S I remember he always pushed me to go for promotions and make more money. I never considered myself smart and always thougt he was so smart and expected him to be the supporter. He did financially well initially in our marriage but he quit his job when he fought with his boss right after I had given birth to our older one and I think that was the first sign of his scew ups. Anyways, over the years I worked and he worked too but 10 years ago I was able to find work where I made lot of money which made me feel good and I worked very hard as I knew this wasn’t going to be a long term thing and wanted to save to have not deal wit financial stresses. I even wanted to retire at 40 whcih was possible with the money I had made but the year of 9/11, I found out this S told me that he has lost all of the money including my retirement. I worked harder and S just kept on wiping out more and more in his gambling of market and thinking he knew how to recover from each of his losses while being abusive to me to continue to give him money. Long story short, the economy took down turn, he lost everything and broke my dream of retiring and finally be there for my girls and come to deal with the reality that was my fear which is FINANCIAL STRUGGLE. I realize right now I have LOTS OF ANGER towards him for financial mess he has created and this is the time I need lot of money with girls. This triggers constant anger towards him and I have emailed him knwoing he doesn’t give a shit about what he has done, but I can’t help wanting to tell him that his lowlife self has created this situation for me and the kids.
Since money is a struggle and I have never depended on others for money or ever had spent more than what I made but now I am in a situation where I just don’t have the money but want to support the kids education (I know they can get a job , spend year working instead of going to school, but I am not able to have them mess up their lives more and want them to get their education). Financial struggle is a daily thing for me which reminds me of him and what he has done and create just Rage in me. I know this is how it is, and I can’t change it and this is what is meant to be.. blah ..blah ..blah but all this doens’t help wishing he was dead as he is not suffering being alive, having rage that I let this bastard abuse me and control me so much that I wasn’t strong enough to protect finances I worked so hard for even for the kids. Like many of the posts — At this point, I don’t see my self being able to retire.
Appreciate if anyone of you have some advise to get me move past this. I know if I was financially stable right now, I wouldn’t give a shit about this lowlife and wouldn’t give even this energy of Anger towards him, but this struggle is what brings him up allday in my thoughts and I want to get rid of him.
hello wanttomoveon –
i hear the anger at yourself – for just a second feel that as strongly as possible, and see if you can feel some compassion for yourself when you were in this relationship, for the choices you made.
rage at him. it IS what you are feeling. this makes perfect sense for where you are (and made me smile in recognition):’but all this doens’t help wishing he was dead as he is not suffering being alive’
the daily struggle now, is yours. recognize that whatever he has wrought, YOU are the power now. you have accomplished much, which suggests to me, that you will accomplish more.
if you can see it as a bit separate from him, as your work now – and then it will be clearer what you need to do emotionally and practically to get on with solutions. try not to think too far into the future – or the past. I get caught if i look past what i can handle. and the retirement thing will lay me out flat (and i ‘close’ to that age in ‘theory’)
every trigger i dissolve, shows the one in line behind it. sooner or later the que will diminish.
best,
one step
Polly: (no longer ‘lover of many’, your name now conjures an image of a macaw ;))
this hurt around abortion needs so much healing. and i will make a list of the things coming to light because of the spath, that need healing. Because I forget. Because until the last couple of years I didn’t recognize the wound that the abortion is. because a system – of whatever type that system is inside of me – keeps hiding this info from me. ***DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT SYSTEM IS KATHLEEN?*** SOME SORT OF STORAGE/DENIAL/ HEALING COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN.
I lost a child – to a lack of experience (aka youth) and lack and an internal script. as it turns out, the only child i was ever to carry. a dream i never held for myself. mind you, there was that image in my head: me and a child in a cabin in the woods. but that child was adopted. and i wonder now, if that image of the child and me was actually my mother’s unspoken dream – without this man, my father, who bought fuel for his boat instead of food for the baby. over 50 years later he is still putting his play toys ahead of his family – he used the money to pay back the money he lost of mine – to buy a new bigger faster shinier boat. i quite hate him. i will struggle and as i rise the hate diminishes – the hate is about his relative power and my lack of it – and that he ‘should’ love us and doesn’t and it took years for me to see this – his behavior had to devolve to the ludicrous for me to.
Henry.
…I need to let him know what he is, and the affect it had on me.
Sorry, but i think u are gonna make double mistake!
First, he will never accept a truth of who he really is, he has no intelectual/emotiaonal capacity to do so.
Second, u will make him happy to (once more) know about his evil affect. It is just what he needs!
If u feel u have to break NC, send him mail thanking him for helping u to realize who YOU are, and that way enabling u to finally be happy! It will impact him 🙂