Almost seven years ago, Darlene Ellison’s life was turned upside-down when her husband was arrested as an “inner circle” member of NAMBLA—the North American Man-Boy Love Association. She had no idea what he was doing.
Read How Dorothy Sandusky could have been duped, on TheDailyBeast.com.
Link supplied by a Lovefraud reader.
Oxy
Since every pedophile is a psychopath, it’s just a matter of differences how they choose to live their pathology isn’t it. I do understand the desire to want to give LOVE and discovering there is no one to give it to.
As sad and sorry I am for you to have endured your birth family, you are also one of the lucky ones too. You had the love from your step father, your good husband, and your step son. Three generations of love. It doesn’t change the longing you had to love your birth father, or the heart ache from your sons, but at least you have the experience of knowing love.
I don’t know what I’d do at my age if I ever were loved by anyone. That’s prolly what made me such an easy target for my spath, b/c I wanted it to be real, and I worked for years trying to fix something that was NEVER going to be. But I do not blame myself for wanting love, that does not make me needy, it makes me NORMAL.
And what also makes me normal is that I can appreciate and feel a shared joy that others have someone to love them… for the simple reasoning that it’s the way things SHOULD be and makes me feel SOME things are right with the world!
Dear Little White Horse,
I recognize your situation of the “to tell or not to tell” with your kids. TRUTH CAN BE PAINFUL, especially when you (at any age) have to recognize that a person whom you have loved and idolized and looked up to is shown to be a PERVERT, an EVIL person….no matter how old you are or how young.
It was very painful to recognize that my P sperm donor was EVIL, and it was just as painful to recognize 40 years later that my egg donor was without love for me. I’m not sure she would register as a psychopath per se, but she has no love or concern for me, only a desire to control. Heck I was over 60 years old when I found out and it still to some extent haunts me though I have come to accept it.
They may not be “bonded” to us, but WE ARE BONDED TO THEM so severing that bond is like pulling out your own intestines. It hurts. It is like having surgery with a rusty butcher knife to take out the cancerous parts of our souls that will kill us if we don’t recognize and take them out. Denial allows them to continue to grow inside us and to eventually over take us completely.
I think your decision was wise, Little Horse, but I know that your children still have a “hard row to hoe” and even though they may not realize it, they may still need some counseling. (((hugs))) for you and them as well. Also my prayers.
Dear Katy,
I do treasure the friendships I’ve had in the past, even the friendship I had with my Now-X “best girlfriend” that died last January…we had 30 years of good times, and I’m sorry it didn’t last but I can remember those good times, and though my husband is gone, I can remember the good times that we had too….and the times I had great times with my young sons, even Patrick, are precious memories and I can laugh about the funny things they did as little kids. I’m sorry that the grown men they became are not the kind of men I would want for a friend….but the joy that they gave me as small children is always going to be there….it just isn’t connected to the men they are TODAY.
Remember the joy you had from your daughter when she was young, not the person, the adult, she is today. Remember the friendships you had even when you were a child. Those friendships, that love between you and others is not GONE as long as it is in your memory.
In the meantime, get out and find new connections, volunteer at a shelter, or a library or a hospital and make new friends and associations….I realize that I will probably never attract the kind of man I would be interested in as a romantic relationship, but that isn’t going to put me into a spin cycle of loneliness, I am going to foster the relationships that I do have and make new friends as well as get out and ENJOY life. Not every new friend will become a close friend, or a life long one, but I will enjoy the good times with people who are responsible and caring, and to hell with the others that I come across who are nasty or spathy!
Oxy
I do paint a bleak pic of myself sometimes don’t I?! Facing my truths sometimes seems like I forget the good stuff in my life.
Yes, I do volunteer. Always have. At the library and the museum. And I love history and countryside walks so I belong to those groups. I play in instrument so we have a little quartet groups and it gets busy this time of year! Just b/c I don’t have “love” doesn’t mean I don’t have a wonderful life. I do. There is much joy and great fun to be had sharing with even purely social friends. Fri we are going to have foot baths and reflexology massages, then dim sum lunch. Sat is a German Market festival with music/plays/and strudel and hot spiced cider.
The LONLIEST time of my life was when I lived with my birth family and it was BITTERLY horribly lonely when I lived with my husband. Even though I am not loved, I am not lonely anymore and the fact is I keep finding joy and good people to share it with.
Katy, who has found happiness is possible even when unloved.
Katy, I find it “offensive” that you say that you are “unloved”!!!! You may not have a romantic partner in life, but that doesn’t mean you are UN-LOVED! BOINK!!!! LOL Even if you are the ONLY person in the world who loves you, then you ARE LOVED! Now go and write 500 times and turn in before recess, “I am LOVED, I love myself!” 🙂
Katy diddles. I luv ya ~!
I dont have a partner either, I fantazies about a romantic relationship, but in my fantasy’s i am about 36 and in my prime…Then my tired old bones scream ‘ reality check ‘..yap life has kinda passed me by in the romantic department..So I start counting my blessings and am happy I have what I have.
From what you describe your a social person that get’s out and about and does things, hey I just hide in the woods and wait for my fantasy cowboy to come find me, wish somebody would tell him he is lost ~!
Oxy
If i were truthful, I would not say that about myself at all. And that kind of love is not meaningful to me in the sense of reciprocal love. I am F*d, but no, not loved. It’s a fallacy to say it’s any kind of replacement to the love that others enjoy. But my point was we don’t have to have love to have joy. and with joy, there is much happiness and much quality to life.
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Katy, don’t quite understand your posts above “I am F*d, but no, not loved.” and “It’s a fallacy to say it’s any kind of replacement to the love that others enjoy.” Maybe we are just “playing semantics”
Oxy
am momentarily struggling with my truth. Am trying to remember that life has more to offer than love and to take my comfort in the ability to experience joy. I am glad for others to have the kind of love that I have never known.
But take it from someone who has NEVER had someone love them: while “loving myself, God Loves me, Jesus loves me, cyber psuedo named people love me, etc.” is all okay, it is NOT the same nor a substitute or a replacement for the human need to physically connect to another who loves, whether it’s a child’s hug, or a step fathers smile, or a beloved’s embrace. and that dif is esp poignant at certain moments of the year.