Almost seven years ago, Darlene Ellison’s life was turned upside-down when her husband was arrested as an “inner circle” member of NAMBLA—the North American Man-Boy Love Association. She had no idea what he was doing.
Read How Dorothy Sandusky could have been duped, on TheDailyBeast.com.
Link supplied by a Lovefraud reader.
Oxdrover
You are so right about animal touch and cats are amazing. I have two. One is like yours who is my son’s or else it has adopted him and is very moody to touch unless she feels like it.
The other is still a kitten and is very affectionate.
My ex hated cats and he had no valid reason for it–but as soon as I got him out I got Tinky and just lately Millie.
I have been reading lovefraud for a long time tying to peice all the puzzle of what happened to me. But I am no wiser in spotting trolls. I don’t know why–perhaps the PTSD.
In saying that–when I first came in a state of shock I could see them everywhere including in Lovefraud. But thankfully that has calmed down.
This is the first post that I have felt compelled to respond to–only because it hits so near to my home. I feel myself breaking out of isolation a wee bit–but still scared.
I have learned loads but it doesn’t seem to stick in my memory.
I sometimes think that I have brain damage–yet i can clearly digest what is being said.
Anyway–things can only get better.
Love and Peace
xxx
Littlewhitehorse,
I think the MOST IMPORTANT THING WE LOSE is our TRUST IN OURSELVES to keep ourselves safe. BUT we can reclaim this trust in ourselves.
Just as if you were let down by a friend some way, and the friend truly apologized and wanted to fix the relationship you would forgive them, (get the bitterness out of your heart) and then you would SLOWLY learn to trust that person again. We have to FORGIVE ourselves for letting ourselves down and not keeping us safe. We didn’t purposely set out to hurt ourselves and our remorse is sincere, so we must FORGIVE ourselves and tell ourselves that we will work really hard to keep ourselves safe in the future.
We have a lot to learn, we need to learn to set boundaries and to enforce them in the kind of behavior we will “tolerate” from others. That was a biggie for me. I was so upset if I had to enforce a boundary, upset and anxious that I might hurt someone’s feelings. Well, MY feelings were upset when people stole from me, so why should I “worry” about hurting their feelings by saying STOP STEALING FROM ME? LOL Truly, I felt that way, afraid I would hurt THEIR feelings by confronting them about stealing!
I still tend to be too much along the line of making excuses for bad behavior in others, for giving someone a “pass” for acting badly by saying “well, they were tired” or something else. Now, I try to stay around people who are uplifting, kind, caring, and sweet. For those people who DO act badly, I stand up, and walk away. Sometimes it is hard, but you know, in the end, I am learning to trust myself not to get sucked in DEEPLY by people who behave badly. They may suck me in for a little while, but as SOON as the RED FLAGS show themselves, I “take notice” of those flags and HONOR THEM….and myself.
You will learn to trust yourself again! Keep on working at it. Healing is a process, a journey, not a destination. (((hugs)))
That’s exactly it–Trust in myself and the fact that my bounderies were smashed and I felt helpless to protect me.
I too tend to avoid anyone that I think is not right whereas at one time I would have been fine interacting as I had very secure bounderies after healing from a previous abusive environment.
But rape has done something to me that sometimes I doubt I will ever recover from. Also the crazymaking and confusion. It was a world were good was bad and bad was good.
Insanity.
Yes it is a journey and a process. If only I could rid myself of the panic and anxiety disorder and disasociation induced by anxiety.
Peace and Love
xxx
Dear Littlewhitehorse,
If you are a victim of rape, then I strongly suggest that you receive some professional counseling…fortunately there are some groups available to help rape victims that might not be available for other victims, please seek out the available resources in your area.
As a former victim of rape myself, I realize that I should have had counseling back in those days (I was 18 and I’m 65 now) instead of counseling I had SHAME and I was asked by a police officer if I had been raped (I had been badly beaten) and I said “no” because I felt so much shame. Rape is NOT about “sex” it is about CONTROL and shaming the victim in the worst possible way through control of their most intimate feelings and of their body.
You said you “doubt …will ever recover from”–I know it feels like that sometimes, but having a positive attitude, of I WILL OVER COME THIS, will help..the “self talk”‘we do to ourselves is important that we BELIEVE we can recover. Believing we can recover is I think at least HALF THE BATTLE! In fact, I was reading a research report the other day about how that belief in our selves does make a big difference. A measurable difference.
Knowledge IS power, Littlehorse, so keep on reading and learning and seek out what help is available in your area, call a domestic violence hot line, or a rape crisis hot line, or where ever you can get some information on what is available to you. God bless.
Thanks Oxdrover but it happened four years ago and I see a psychologist fortnightly for it.
Funny enough I never felt shame. Too much of a feminist for that but I think if I would have been younger and more naive I would have.
You are right about my thinking that is why I get CBT==got to just keep plodding until I am well.
God bless you too.
Peace and Love
xxx
Littlewhitehorse
I too sometimes think I have brain damage. Likely that is what I am processing now. How to undo a lifetime of cruelty when what was pronounced about me is verified as true over and over, that people who are physically in my life only pretend to care about me out of politeness or duty?
At this time of year, I am facing my worst rejection ever, I must process an in-my-face-rejection from the one person I sacrificed and endured the spath for, the one I poured my love and devotion and support into. My reward for giving such love is complete and utter contempt.
People who evoke karma: Are you saying I deserve to be unloved? Christians say the same thing, that God blesses the deserving. That makes NO sense to me b/c I watch people FLOCK to my husband and they LOVE and adore him, yet he’s is fully spathso why would an spath deserve love while someone who gives love does not? (I TRIED to be wrong about him being spath but the killing and harming w/o conscience was too difficult to dismiss.).
To those who think I am unloved b/c I have not given love… that’s not true. I give and share and care without expectation and have been that way my whole life, that’s why it took me so long to notice there was no reciprocity. And to say that if I love myself, I won’t have that desire to be loved by others…that’s like saying if I hug myself enough or talk to myself enough, then I will have satisifed my need to connect to other people. No. Loving myself is one kind of love, just as loving a child is another, loving my sweet doggie is another, loving a spouse is another, loving chocolate or coffee is another…. they are NOT substitutes, they are DIFFERENT. And as such, loving myself does not replace that desire for reciprocal appreciation, affection, attention, awareness, etc.
I will process. I will look for answers. I will stop lying to myself and pretending it doesn’t matter. B/c it does-b/c the only people love doesn’t matter to… is an spath. And b/c it is impossible to heal a pain which I pretend doesn’t exist.
Littlewhitehorse,
I’m glad you are here and posting. It may take a while but you CAN heal. Since you are an INFP, you have a rich emotional life and feel deeply. The trauma must have been overwhelming. It speaks to your commitment as a mother, that you were glad to experience that so that your children didn’t have to.
What I’ve learned here on LF is that talking about what you are feeling and being validated by others helps TREMENDOUSLY toward healing. I had never experienced it before and I feel it is nothing short of miraculous.
Talk, let it out. We will listen and understand.
Katydid
I too believe that only a fully intimate relationship will make me happy. I can’t settle for anything less.
But in my experience–when you are intimate with yourself and loving what you find, warts and all-you will find it easier to be intimitate with others without giving and giving.
In this way you don’t give more than you can afford and you know yourself well enough and are realistic about people and what they can give or do for you.
I too have a generous nature–but I have learned through experience to be strategic rather than willy nilly with my generosity in order to not be taken advantage of.
Cos you will.
But when you are in charge giving becomes pleasurable in stead of painful.
Love comes in many forms and it takes a practised eye to see it. And then it all becomes a personal definition of what you think love is.
From your post–I get the impression that you would love to be in a loving. intimate and healthy relationship and I think that all of us at one point would like this. It’s normal and healthy to feel this way.
But I could be so wrong here and I hesitate but I will give it a go–you sound very depressed and If you are it could block your path to getting an intimate relationship.
I do hope I haven’t overstepped the mark and that I am a newbie so I don’t know you very well.
My thoughts are with you
Peace and love
xxx
KatyDid,
((((Katy)))) I hear the raw oozing pain in your posts, and from your previous posts I know the rejection you feel from your daughter is very painful for you. You know I can relate to that, both from a standpoint of my psychopathic son Patrick, and my other biological son C who is not a psychopath but who is also not the loving kind and honest man I wish he was. He has also betrayed me, actively betrayed when you consider that he knew that the Trojan Horse psychopath, my egg donor, his wife, and my P son Patrick were all out to run me out of my home (at the very least) Of course this back fired on him when his wife and the Trojan Horse tried to kill him—and he found out his P-brother knew that C’s wife and the Trojan Horse were having an affair! So son C “got what he had given”—betrayal from the ones that he knew were betraying me and did nothing to stop.
That is what happens when we associate with people who are not honorable with others, they are not honorable with us. C has done this kind of thing repeatedly, he is a very bad judge of people and very vulnerable to “love bombing” from psychopaths. He isn’t I don’t think a “psychopath” but that doesn’t mean he is the kind of person I want to trust, or be “close to.” Some people are able to have a “distant” relationship with a relative and maintain their emotional distance–maybe only seeing them for a holiday mean and playing “let’s pretend we’re a nice normal family.” I am not emotionally able to do this so I don’t have that kind of superficial relationship. Some people can have “casual, no strings” sex as well, but I am NOT able to do this, so I don’t.
I know that holidays are emotional “mine fields” for many of us, because we are sad because our FANTASY of a celebration with family that loves us is not a reality…but you know, Katy, the media-hype of this “wonderful Norman Rockwellian Christmas” I think is more marketing ploy than anything else. (((hugs))))
Hi Skylar.
Yep–those damn feelings. Thanks for replying–I just love reading your posts. Such innocence and humour–I don’t know how you do it.
You are so smart and kind and a joy to read.
Peace and love
xxx