Almost seven years ago, Darlene Ellison’s life was turned upside-down when her husband was arrested as an “inner circle” member of NAMBLA—the North American Man-Boy Love Association. She had no idea what he was doing.
Read How Dorothy Sandusky could have been duped, on TheDailyBeast.com.
Link supplied by a Lovefraud reader.
Sandusky’s wife now speaks….says all the accusers are lying and making up stories….
http://www.foxnews.com/us/2011/12/08/sanduskys-wife-says-would-not-harm-children/
Yep Oxy,
As one who’s whole birth family is spath, and who’s husbands family is spath, it sure seems like an spath world.
This is the first Christmas where my wee beautiful pumpkin is full face on contemptuous – mask completely off…..but if I want to stop being such a controlling B* (don’t ask if they arrived), she will let me send her presents. Mind you, in the last few years she gives them to others, return them for the cash, or just throws them away. Instead, this year I get to look forward to her anger b/c I am not sending any presents.
She takes a page from my husband’s playbook. She knows I send presents as an expression of my love so her dismissal of the presents I sent her was a way to show contempt for my love. In the past, I thought it was fallout from my husband b/c she was his ally for so long. Now she hates him, but still has no value for me or any appreciation that I did not abandon her.
My husband gave presents that were hurtful, one year it was seashells that had been piled on the garage floor for about 5 years and the male cats had sprayed on them, more expensive ones were the pearl/diamond earrings b/c the wife gets jewelry, the other woman gets love (just in case I didn’t get it, the OW called and told me), one year it was an am/fm radio.
Christmas used to be my favorite time of year, not just presents but all the festivals and programs. I’d decorate and make all kinds of goodies and make up goodie baskets. I am going to Christmas programs and festivals this year for the first time since leaving him. But it is hard to watch the happiness of others. I am NOT jealous, what it does is make me acutely aware of how void of family and love my life is.
Thank you for understanding Oxy. It’s been a hard row for you to plow in accepting the loss of your sons. I am so GLAD for you to have the comfort of your adopted son b/c I absolutely understand how much comfort he is to you.
I am NOT depressed but this is a sad conumdrum that I think many endure, that through no fault of their own, life has left them stranded. It seems like the losses just go on and on. I went to the library and checked out some books on thinking from a different perspective; will report if I find something helpful.
Dottie Sandusky is not seeing reality. None of us who are close to spaths really see it, until we’re ready to see it.
Here’s some information that will “curl your hair” about sex crimes in only one jurisdiction:
http://www.foxnews.com/us/2011/12/08/mccain-kyl-chime-in-on-botched-sex-crimes-cases/
Maybe this Sandusky thing will get some more cases taken seriously.
I agree Athena, Mrs. Sandusky doesn’t have a clue!
Katy,
I understand about the presents as well….about the contempt. It doesn’t matter if it is contempt from a child, a lover or a parent, the very dismissal and devaluation from someone we loved so much, gave so much to, and for, breaks our hearts.
I remember the LOOK that my egg donor gave me, the look of UTTER CONTEMPT, dismissal, after I had shut down my life and cared for her and my step father 24/7 for 18 months, and even after my husband died, I kept on caring for her….and when I begged her to let me have some time for myself, to grieve and to take care of my own business interests, she looked at me with such contempt I thought I would DIE of the pain.
I know that pain, Katy, it pierces to the soul, but I will not let it destroy me…..She does NOT DESERVE ME…or my love, or my respect…she had the pearl of great price, but instead of appreciating it, she spit on it, threw it way and hooked her wagon to a turd.
In the Bible Jesus told us to not cast our pearls before swine…..they will not appreciate them, and will in their lack of appreciation turn and rend (tear) us. I know that right now you don’t feel like you have the love of anyone because you put “all your eggs in one basket” and the bottom fell out. As much as I love my adopted son, he doesn’t “replace” the two I lost….but Katy, even if I didn’t have him, I would still be OK because I have ME. (((hugs))) YOu will be okay, too, Katy! Just turn your love inward!
Boy, this makes my hair stand on end!
More than eight years ago, ESPN and a Syracuse newspaper had an audiotape on which the wife of a Syracuse University assistant basketball coach now accused of sex abuse said she knew “everything that went on” with him.
They kept it to themselves not reporting the news of its existence and not turning it over to authorities who are now investigating claims against Bernie Fine.
Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2011/12/08/syracuse-abuse-case-stirs-media-ethics-debate/#ixzz1g0JHPXM2
Thank you Oxy
Your words are worth more than you realize. My daughter’s name means pearl. My husband made sure when he gave me that jewelry that I knew what his mindf* message was, to ensure I would NEVER want those gems and he guaranteed that just the thought of them would be a reminder that they were a symbol of spitting in my face. That a pearl would always and forever mean betrayal to me.
For the first time, I understand the meaning of those bible passages. Your mom has truly lost what matters in life. As my mom did, and my husband, and my daughter all lost out on REAL treasure. And you are so right, that look of utter contempt causes the kind of pain where, at that moment, death would be welcome.
I don’t want you to think that I meant your adopted son was a replacement for any other life. He’s loved for himself, as you loved your other sons, neither of them were in exchange. They each are as great a loss to you, as my baby is my loss. Each persons pain fills all the space right?
I am determined to resolve this, not just get through it anymore only to face having to get it through it again the next year. Although turning my love inwards is not a solution for me, that just feels so self centered, I can’t stand the sickening feeling., there is something worth far more. You. Your words. Your post. It is the example of the value of this blog, the power of being validated as NOT crazy and NOT worthless, NOT like them. I’ll say good night and thank you for this post. What you say makes you worth more than pearls, you are what matters. More than just thinking it’s so, I KNOW it.
Dear Katy,
Loving ourselves is NOT SELFISH….Jesus said we should love our neighbor AS OURSELVES—which means that He assumes we SHOULD love ourselves, that it is HEALTHY TO LOVE OURSELVES.
I’m glad that my words validate you, but it is important that YOU validate you! Damn it, Woman! If I can do it, so CAN YOU!!!!!
When we pin all our hopes, and dreams and happiness on someone else–someone else loving us back–we have no control over anything.
My husband loved me, I do not doubt that, but he is NOT HERE NOW. When he left, (died) I lost my footing because I didn’t pin my footing on myself, but on someone else. He didn’t want to leave but he had no choice. Without loving myself like I should have, I was LOST without his love and support. That allowed me to be vulnerable to the psychopath who was looking for the “respectable wife” to cheat on!
All of us, every last one of us is here ALONE inside our skulls. We can SHARE with others, but the bottom line is that we still have to depend on ourselves because people die, they leave, they change.
Last year in January I “lost” my best friend of over 30 years because of the problems she is having in her marriage and her depression. I would have been there for her if I could have been but she pushed me away, struck out at me. I “feel for” her but it is OUT OF MY CONTROL, and I can’t allow her or her husband to abuse me. I haven’t heard a word from her since I left Texas last year. I miss her, I miss being able to pick up the phone and talk to her…she’s been there through my kids’ teenaged years, through Patrick’s arrests, through my dad’s death, through my husband’s death….we’ve been there for each other….but the relationship is not going to move forward. It isn’t any different than if she had died or had a severe stroke….it just isn’t any more. Our relationship changed—she moved one way and I have moved into another direction. I have moved in a healthy direction and she has moved into an unhealthy direction and I can’t control that….anymore than I can control how my biological sons are. I can WISH it were different but it isn’t what I wish for. I can ACCEPT it or I can continue to grieve for what I don’t have.
Katy, I know that right now you are particularly hurting because as much as you have fought your acceptance of your daughter’s malice being from HER, and you have blamed it on your X husband, the way I blamed my son C’s on his P-then-wife, but bottom line is I had to accept finally that it was HIM not just his wife that was treating me that way. HE is the one who lied to me, blamed their problems on her…and I wanted to believe it was HER not him, but the truth finally came out and I finally and PAINFULLY accepted what I didn’t want to believe. You are accepting that now too…seeing your daughter’s behavior for HER behavior not as a result of your X’s mind farks….it HURTS! But once the grieving; the sadness, the anger, the bargaining is over we can come to ACCEPTANCE and peace with what IS.
Your okayness doesn’t depend on what she thinks of you, it only depends on what YOU think of you! You can do it Katy! I promise you you can! (((hugs))) and my prayers for you.
Katy,
I’ve been reading your posts but haven’t said much because I don’t really know what to say. I think maybe, relax and try not to control the flow of the universe.
I bought this tincture for myself.
I’m not sure if it is helping, but I only take it when I am feeling especially needy. It’s not expensive, I bought it from… hang on I’ll go find the site.
http://www.darcyfromtheforest.com/servlet/Detail?no=517
Anyway, if you research it, you will find information about all the amazing things it does. So far, I haven’t noticed any amazing effects. No dreams or anything at all really. But if I have noticed anything, I would say it makes those days – when I feel sad about all the love I thought was real but wasn’t – more bearable. Could just be placebo? Maybe it’s worth a try?
Dear Katydid
From reading the above posts I now have a better understanding of your life. I was once in a place like you. Not spaths although they may have been–but my whole birth family were alcaholics and I am an adult child of an alcaholic.
Life felt so bleak as I had no one to turn to.
The concept of self love was so alien to me as I was told repeatedley that I was selfish if I even took one little bit of care for myself. My life was to revolve around them.
This went on for too many years until I came to a place where I felt that it was an imperative to help myself. That there must surely be a better life than this. I felt so helpless and I blamed them unconsciousley for my misery.
I don’t know what put the idea into my mind. I tend to think of it as my inner God but I found myself at an al-anon meeting.
Being in a loveless environment for twenty years–full of disrespect I was overwhelmed with the gentle love that came my way.
I bought a book that night and I still call it my personal bible. It helped me to understand many things about my situation–but most importantly it helped me to understand the concept of self love–warts and all.
It was not easy in the beginning–but gradually I started to see light at the end of the tunnel. In times of turmoil I still pull it out to gain perspective.
The book is called ‘One day at a time in AL–ANON’. I am sure that you can either find a meeting to buy it or get it from the al-anon website.
I have read thousands of books over my lifetime–wanting to understand. But this is the only one that did it for me.
I know what it is like to be the odd one out in a loveless family. This book gently saved me I recommend it with love.
Thinking of you
Peace and Love
xxx