A guy playing the drums in a Johannesburg townhouse complex drew complaints within minutes. The blood-curdling screams of domestic violence drew no reaction.
This was all shockingly documented in an online video released by a South African advocacy group, People Opposing Women Abuse (POWA).
Read Video test of domestic abuse awareness in South Africa gets more than 500,000 hits in DailyMail.co.uk.
Link supplied by a Lovefraud reader.
You know this article about this was “surprising” to me in some ways but in other ways NOT SURPRISING AT ALL. I remember the hoopla about Kitty Genovese (spelling may be wrong on last name) who cried and screamed over half an hour or more and was heard by dozens of people as she screamed for her life as she was stabbed to death and NO ONE CALLED THE COPS or tried to help.
Afterward “studies” were done that “proved” that if 1 or 2 people hear or observe they will usually help, but if there are lots of folks around, each person waits on the others to help and so ultimately NO one helps.
Lately there has been a “candid camera” show called “what would you do” which sets up actors doing things in public and films whether people will stop to help others being brutalized verbally, or in distress, or lost children, or children who are being “openly groomed” and MOST PEOPLE DO NOT HELP or get involved but walk on by.
A few people do intervene when someone is verbally or physically abusing someone else, or openly grooming a child who is by themselves, or a drunk staggering around about to get into a car while leading a child by the hand, etc. It is NOT reassuring that most people (the vast majority) will NOT “get involved.”
One of my vivid memories from when I was 12 was me physically jumping on a man who was beating a horse that had fallen and could not get up, and I bit a plug out of his neck (almost literally, I did draw blood) I didn’t stop to think I just jumped on the man’s back like a rabid monkey (I got into big time trouble with my family for doing it too!) DUH!
I guess even at that age I had this desire to fight for the underdog and damn the torpedoes and act on impulse. It’s a wonder it didn’t get me killed, but I think that most of the people here on this blog would also have “jumped in” or at least said something, not hung back and watched.
And give me a sob story, and boy I’m there for you! Well, I used to be anyway, I don’t fall for the “pity ploy” so much any more.
Quite a few years ago I had cut off the P son from contact for nearly a year, and I finally got these “guilt inducing” letters about how pitiful he was without a soul in the world to come visit him OR SEND MONEY but he would make it even though his family had deserted him, POOOOOOOOR BABY!” Well, sheeeet, I fell for it, and started sending money and writing to him and then visiting and SENDING MONEY, and poooor baby!
Yea, the operative words are “SEND MONEY, BIATCH!” But no more. I may be a sucker for a sob story, but I don’t send money to convicts any more—I even used to send money to one of his buddies who “had no family that cared” Oh, gosh was I ever a SUCKER!!!! Sent the guy money, letters and wanted to save his soul. Hell I would have let the guy have paroled to my house—but that guy was, I AM SURE, just another TROJAN HORSE psychopath, but he didn’t get out on parole when he thought he would and so the P son sent the Trojan Horse who was off parole and could come to another state.
But I have learned how to call 911, and so I will still do that if Ii think someone is in trouble, but I will NOT rush in with guns a blazing, or stop on the side of the road and give someone a lift, but I will pull up and roll the window down enough to ask them if they have a cell phone and if not, I will call 911 for them…..let them in my car? NOT ON YOUR LIFE, UNLESS I SEE THEM BLEEDING.
I got rid of the rental houses so I don’t have to worry about a back ground check on renters any more (the ONLY way I would rent to someone if I did have rentals would be a FULL background and credit check by a private investigator) I ALMOST rented to a wanted felon once years ago—should have learned from that one! DUH!
CAUTION is the watch word. I don’t live in terror, but I AM VERY CAUTIOUS and don’t take ANY stranger at face value. Remember Ted Bundy? The guy with his arm in a sling? “Please help me, I’m injured.” Worked like a charm for old Teddie and got some women killed.
I think it boils down to our thoughts about ‘minding your own business’.
It’s OUR business if our ‘peace’ is disrupted by musical noise, party noise, kids running around the upstairs apt. noise, moving furniture in the middle of the night……
YOUR DISTURBING ME.
Then the screaming/fighting…..becomes NOT our business…..we can easily look the other way…..it takes balls to intervene and 99% of society DON”T HAVE BALLS.
We think, we don’t want to be involved…..we don’t want them to know we heard them, we can easily pretend it’s not happening.
We justify.
But, we won’t justify drums being played or other ‘non personal’ offenses of our peace…..so we confront.
It’s societies warped way of thinking…..NO ONE WANTS TO GET INVOLVED.
We dont think about the offender of noise being armed, drunk or pissed off if we confront. It’s NOT a contentious situation to start with.
We do think of the offender of DV being armed, drunk or pissed off IF we confront…..and we can justify not getting involved because WE may be hurt too. It’s already a contentious situation…..
For me…..this is a ‘gift’ I have come out of my spath relationshit with……DAMN IT……If I see something harmful…..my nose is right up your ass! I WON”T HOLD ANYONES SECRETS!
I did for too long!
I remember seeing a road rage situation on the frw…..right before my divorce was finalized…..the guy ran a little car right into the median, after he plowed his car a few times…..DURING RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC.
AS he dragged the car to a stop, the guy jumped out, jumped over his truck to the drivers window and punched it out and repeatedly punched the driver.
I was still behind the cars……as traffic had halted…..My first reaction was to go rambo on this guy……then I decided to pull up in front and call 911. Maybe it wasnt’ in my best interest to go Rambo on a violent/crazy MOFO……so I stuck around and waited for cops to come…..they didn’t take long…..I thought well, if MOFO takes off, I’ll follow him……
But, a confrontation wouldn’t be good.
It was ME and another lady who were the only ones to call it in and stop. Out of ALL rush hour……
The cops called me later that evening and met with me, saying the perp had blamed the victim…..I said, yeah….NO WAY. I don’t know what went on to start this mess, but the truck MOFO was definately the perp and aggressor.
I never got called, so I can only assume he pled guilty….he was arrested and my statement matched the other womans.
I just remember all the times in the past few years EVERYONE around me ran the other way and how that felt……and I thought….I can’t do that. This guy needs someone to speak up for him. He was a stranger…..and I was willing.
It took me living how I did to step up.
SAD!
Dear EB,
Yea, I agree with you, it isn’t in your best interest to go RAMBO on someone who is enraged and violent (and many times armed) but it doesn’t make much to dial 911.
Oh, don’t know if you followed it or not, but I ahve been following some of the shiat going on across the border in Tx and CA. This small town had all the cops killed in Mexico because the gangs had outgunned them for a while, so this WOMAN decided to be the CHIEF OF POLICE and she was NOT GOING TO CARRY A GUN, and she was going to GET PEOPLE TO COOPERATE so they could have a SAFE and sane town.
Well, guess what—-the narco-goons KILLED HER PRETTY BUTT!
The thing is that when you are dealing with folks who are PSYCHOPATHS or MEAN AS SNAKES (sorry Star!) you can not “play nice” with them and get them to cooperate with your “let’s play nice guys” attitude. I am not RAMBO and you are not either. I am not going to go in trying to shoot my way out of a battle with the narco-goons who have no conscience, like the 14 year old hit-man that they just caught. He freely admitted he was slashing the throats of at least 7 people—for crying out loud, the KID has no conscience at 14 and is dangerous as a rattle snake. He grew up hard, and who knows what his DNA is/was but it was “become a killer or we will kill you” and he chose to live and kill.
They just dug up another 18 bodies of some folks that got kidnapped, but they kidnapped and killed (beat all but two of them to death, the two they shot) the wrong guys, so the narco gang, killed the killers who made the mistake and pinned a note to them saying, “Sorry, we killed the wrong folks, so the big guys killed us.” WTF????
So you hear someone getting beaten to death you are going to jump in the fray? NOT if you are smart, but, you can call 911 and stay the fark out of Mexico.
Do you remember the poster we had here for a short time a year or more ago who lived in the Barrio (a gringa) and was afraid of her neighbors who were gang members? If you are in such a situation there is no choice but to LEAVE if you have to walk, and get the fark “out of Dodge.” If your psychopathic X is violent and stalking you, sometimes there is no choice but to leave and run no matter what it costs you or what you have to leave behind.
I remember how I kept thinking I would not give up, I was going to DEFEND what was mine because they had NO RIGHT to try to force me out of my own home. DUH!!! Yea, they had no right, that is true, but how can you stay up 24/7 wondering which window they are going to shoot you through, or when they are going to pour gasoline on your house and strike a match? This is not a fort, and I don’t have an army of people to shoot out the windows to keep the bad guys away. It isn’t being a coward to leave here, even if I have to put my pack on and walk away, to save my life. I realized that his house is nothing but sticks and bricks and that I am not willing to die to try and defend it.
I’m willing to help someone if they are in trouble, but I am not going to throw myself in front of a bus to do it. I want to help people who are abused—so I donate a few bucks to the DV shelter. I want to help homeless kids…so I help educate the CASA volunteers. I want to help foster kids, so I donate a steer to the orphanage. I hear someone being beaten, I call 911. I see an old lady fall I reach a hand out to her. If I see Crazy Bob’s horses on the road, I call the sheriff, if I see the other neighbor’s horses out, I put them up! LOL
oxy – to all things a season.
‘I’m willing to help someone if they are in trouble, but I am not going to throw myself in front of a bus to do it. I want to help people who are abused—so I donate a few bucks to the DV shelter. I want to help homeless kids”so I help educate the CASA volunteers. I want to help foster kids, so I donate a steer to the orphanage. I hear someone being beaten, I call 911. I see an old lady fall I reach a hand out to her. If I see Crazy Bob’s horses on the road, I call the sheriff, if I see the other neighbor’s horses out, I put them up!’
I call the cops a lot. anything i see or hear that’s not right, i call. even the things that might be nothing – i call. i don’t hesitate anymore, although i am concerned about getting a ‘rep’ with the police and that they might stop responding. When i was in central america i saw how ineffectual the police were there – no boat, no bullets, everyone’s your cousin – murder and mayhem, DV, robbery and gang rape…it was an intense 4 months, and i was damn glad to be living on the property of someone who got respect for his attitude and his 9 mm, and to get back home, where a cop has bullets and training and duty.
i also do intervene, but not as much as i used to. when i was younger i had a bad habit of physically intervening. never got hurt, but got threatened a few times. the last time that i spoke truth to nasty BS, was (well, hehe not that long ago actually – maybe 3 years ago) standing in a long line in a government office. (okay, there was also the crazy boy and i use that termed advisedly who lived upstairs who i dealt with this year…but i digress) A man was berating his pregnant wife, and his hose bag mother was helping him. I told him to knock it off, and they told me it ‘was none of my business’. i told him that in fact, it was. A few words were exchanged and he backed down, but they were both pieces of work. I went to sit down after getting my number for the line, and the (very young) wife came and sat close by me. I told her she didn’t have to put up with a life like that, that there was so much more for her in the world. She told me, NO ONE had EVER stuck up for her. I gave her info about the DV shelter, and as much encouragement as i could in a few short minutes.
When i got up to the counter, I reported what this guy had done and what i had done and asked for a security escort to my vehicle. Turns out the guy had been out of prison (and we only have max. here) for two days, hence his colorful language and willingness to ‘banter.’
I consider calling the cops on the loud college parties important too – yep, they are noisy privileged cretans, but they are also extremely drunk and drugged and that puts them at risk for all kinds of fowl play – especially the girls. When i see them at there street parties or in the club area (too small to actually call it a district!) I am always concerned for their legless selves. a drunk girl is a girl at risk. i remember.
I guess to a certain extent “with age comes wisdom” I am learning to step up but to not put myself at such risk to do so, and to use more RESOURCES rather than just myself.
I won’t say that I wouldn’t EVER “Rambo” it if I saw a child in immediate danger of death or serious injury, I probably would.
The other night on my way home I spotted a drunk and/or reckless driver and I called 911 and actually followed the guy while I was on with 911 for about 10 minutes and the guy turned off on to another road and I even followed him there for a while until He recklessly and illegally passed another car in front of me and took off at a high rate of speed (but At that time I told the 911 dispatcher that the guy would be in another county before the local guys could ge4t to him and that I was breaking off pursuit and going back home…but I have no doubt that the guy had the cops waiting for him when he crossed the county line. I also was able to get his license number so he will be on a “hot list” even if they didn’t catch him on the spot.
It was no risk for me to just follow behind this guy, but when it would have been risky for me to keep up, I backed off. I still did what was RIGHT in trying to help the police get a drunk and/or reckless driver off the road WITHOUT ENDANGERING MYSELF.
Good for you, ONe_step, and maybe that young woman didn’t take your advice that day, but I bet at some point in time she will remember what you said to her, and act on it. It may be years down the road before she really gets the lesson, but it is sitting there waiting for when SHE IS READY. Good for you.
Not only are domestic violence screams ignored, they are also underreported! Women and children around the world tolerate this behavior in their own home and then the next day pretend it didn’t happen. Been there, done that. I believe the reasons are either people don’t want to be bothered by the legal system or dont want to be retaliated against by the abuser.
didnt know where to post this but – i am reaching for help – feel like i am having a soft heart and i am sure being naive..
The SOCIOPATH RETURNS:
After 1.5 years of no contact – the sociopath reappeared. This is the same guy who took $40,000 in loans. lied to the police about a motorcyle i had put in my name for him. I reported it stolen – he told the police that he returned it to me. This is also the same guy 1.5 years who spit in my face and battered me in front of my 16 year old. Then proceeded to take everything he ever bought out of my house. (Can you believe he returned each item, in the same bag that he used to take it from me) after 1.5 years.
He has returned – and sent me this text message: His exact words “I’m sorry if you find this disrespectful, but I didn’t know how else to contact you. I apologize for the way things turned out between us, and by me having a daughter, I would never want someone to treat my child that way. I was wondering if we could meet up at holuahans or a nice place to eat. I need to talk to you before I move. I have something I need to give you. I totally understand if you decline my offer, but we are all human, and we all make mistakes. Please text me or call with your response at xxx-xx-xxxx.”
I thought i could handle this – so i met up with him “i wanted to hear what he had to say,” – he appologize and it felt very sincere, he let me tongue thrash him and said, “he deserves” it all. He seemed totally different from the man i used to know – who woulda cut me down from opening my mouth. He hasn’t been harrassing me. emails me periodically but nothing like before. I know they don’t change but how can this be a an act? it seemed so natural. he has not been harassing me. I hope he has changed.
NOooooooo. A thousand times NO. This man battered you in front of your child. What sort of an example is this to your baby. (cos that’s what your child is) Is it ok for someone to beat you and then say ‘sorry’.
He’s manipulating you. He stole your money, spat at you and now he turns up and says meet up!!!
DING DONG……..RED FLAG…….He’s not ‘moving’ all he wants is to get back with you.
Sorry I’m going on but they do not change.
It may have been a year and a half or a lifetime and a half – HE HAS NOT CHANGED.
Be strong – kick him out of your life NOW.
Ok….I’m calming down……sorry but I speak from experience.
I kicked my spath out, he disappeared for 6 weeks (back to his old girlfriend that he keeps on the backburner). Then he turns up wanting to talk. I told him to clear off, then he showed his true colours, he started pushing me around.
It’s a long story but the police were called. He stayed at a hotel for a week still trying to get back with me. I stayed no contact.
Then his parting shot (from this loving man!!) he pays his hotel bill with my credit card details, and steals money out of my account, then clears off back to his ex.
So they try it on……if they don’t get what they want they revert to their usual patterns of behaviour.
So please for your sanity and the welfare of your child do not be tempted to let him back in.
He didn’t break me
I guess you’re going to find out 1 way or another. Regardless of how it turns out let’s try to minimize the damage and maximize the gains Using your new knowledge about psychopaths.
First of all has he offered to repay you any money?
Being sorry is more than just words you have to make amends. paying back the money he owes you and giving you your motorcycle back would be a start.
Secondly do not allow yourself to be vulnerable in anyway. do not tell him your hopes and dreams, or your plans or who your friends are or where you work.
Use gray rock, be boring. Your goal should be to get your money back and to make him show his true colors, so that you can have closure.