Yesterday, Lovefraud had an intruder. I saw this guy’s first couple of posts, which struck me as odd, but not necessarily offensive. I decided to keep an eye on him.
Before long, however, several longtime Lovefraud contributors began attacking this individual. I thought the attacks were unwarranted.
We have had occasions in the past when people started accusing newcomers of being sociopaths. I think this is a very dangerous thing to do based on a few posts that may sound different from what we generally see here.
Meaning is missing
Experts have found that 65 percent to 90 percent of the meaning in human communication comes from nonverbal cues—tone of voice, gestures, posture. That means when the primary form of communication is via words on a computer monitor, 65 percent to 90 percent of the meaning is missing.
So how can we be sure of a person’s intentions? Not everyone is an expressive writer—some people may be stiff and formal. And not everyone may speak (and write) English as a first language.
Furthermore, Lovefraud.com is not a closed, invitation-only forum. It is open to the public, so it is quite possible that we have readers who are not victims, or former victims, of sociopaths. People who have been lucky enough not to have experienced the assault of a sociopath have a very different perspective from those of us who have been there. They may wonder, in writing, what all the bellyaching is about. That doesn’t mean they are sociopaths.
We also may have people who jump into a conversation without much of an introduction. There is no prerequisite that people tell their stories before participating in the Lovefraud Blog. Someone may just want to make an observation or pose a question. The post may sound different from what we generally see. That doesn’t make him or her a sociopath.
Jumping to conclusions is not helpful. In one situation, a person was attacked in what I believe was simply a case of mistaken identity.
Negative intentions
Now, it does turn out that everyone who sensed negative intentions on the part of yesterday’s intruder was right. Checking the IP address, I found that it was the same guy who showed up a few days ago. He actually posted on another forum, where predators apparently compare notes, that he hacked into his girlfriend’s computer and found references to Lovefraud. He then invited all his cronies to launch an attack on this blog.
A few Lovefraud contributors did write to me to express concerns, which I appreciate. I was watching this individual. But I admit that he began to show his true colors after I was away from the computer, and I didn’t react quickly. Now, however, I have deleted all his posts.
Personal attacks are not tolerated
The policy at Lovefraud is that personal attacks against other bloggers are not tolerated. I ask everyone, even long-time contributors who suspect a predator, to observe this policy.
So when you believe that someone is here to cause trouble, please do not engage. Do not react. Do not take the bait. Because when we do, we just feed the beast, and the entire Lovefraud conversation degenerates.
It’s important for us to be listening to our intuition. But when we get messages that something is amiss, what should we do? In the real world, we advocate No Contact. I believe we should do the same on Lovefraud.
Remember, they’re looking for a reaction. If we don’t give it, most of them just go away.
In all the chaos of yesterday’s “pianoman” posts and responses, Donna had some trouble with the webmaster. He did not immediately delete the pianoman posts and block him so he came back with a vengence (she was alway from the computer at the time so didn’t observe that the webmaster had not done as instructed) then somehow the whole article and posts got deleted, but Donna said she would try to get it back up, just without the chaos on the comments part. Hope that answers your questions and hope she can get it straightened out, was a good article and some good comments too before the PM attack.
Betty:
Thankyou for your post and yes I am an “angry ant”…but thats old news ! I liked the ant analogy, and I am a nerd too, so we chould get on well! lol!
I did not ever engage a p before on this site. I knew I wasn’t up to it! I saw them for what they were very quickly and immediately went nocontact. (I left them to the “lifers”..i.e. Oxy, Donna, Kathleen and Rosa).But this time, I felt I had no choice because we were being deleted and the p was still active (my worst nightmare). But really I felt safe because it was cyberspace and Kathy was helping me work through my anger issues (with Ps) at the same time. But THAT IS OLD NEWS TOO!
I am back in the real world now and dealing with my P art teacher. Elton John helped me a lot in seeing what works and what doesn’t. And to be mindful of the class around me! lol!We always come out strongerin the end on LF. xox
Anyway,
Rosa:
I loved lady Di too…but over here, amonst the people i know Oprah is known as a Big Narcissist. I bet her Stedman would know, or maybe he is one too. lol!
But the truth is, who really cares? I think if i have to try to use my p art teacher to get my degree, its fair game to use Oprah to get publicity and (we wish..) a new car by being in her audience!
I would like to be the one who wrote the book on the celebrity psychopaths, (not the obvious OJ’s) but the Brads and Angies and Jennifers! I don’t think there is anyone on LF that would be capable of what they are doing! Talk about raising kids to be like your P parents in the P triangle..YUK!
But I can’t write without having to relive and i can’t do that. But i can paint up a storm Rosa..let me tell you! I have painted quite a few well known Oz Ps…but its not safe to go in the water with them YET! lol!
Blueskies:
Don’t worry, you are doing awesome! You can’t go wrong if you follow the “lifers!” Well, you can go wrong, but you will only end up stronger and more knowledgable for it! xo
Tilly:
I am putting Australia on my list of vacation destinations.
If everyone there is like you, I think I would have a great time down under.
I bet your art is AWESOME, too.
Tilly, I am going wrong. This has screwed me up big time. I am not as ‘woop! doining so well’ as I thought or hoped or it seems. I am completely lost.
Blueskies…. slow down there… i dont know what you are referring to. But maybe its just a moment in time, one moment in time…or a hurdle or a set back.. because you clearly have been doing outstandingly well. We mustnt let one thing unravel everything…you are learning and growing…. I wish I knew what in the world was going on..but I do know you have been doing quite well and it showed…. take a minute to take a deep breath and regroup and break it down…it can be worked through…Here for you…xoxo LTL
Rosa:
There is nothing worse than a clean and sober P. Oh yes there is….having a mum who is being sucked in by one before your very eyes!
And yes, when you have been around Ps as long as you and me, it goes without saying. We wouldn’t be able to say “THAT THREAD” fast enough! lol!
I really feel for you Rosa, can’t you at least convince her (early) not to tie up her assets and money with him. I guess given our families it had to happen,(like my youngest son and his girlfriend). I know that oxy will help you immensley with this one..( in “detachin”). I know, impossible. But we have to in the end.
If I were you, I would say it all once (I don’t practise what i preach), you know, ” look mum, can you please let me say this once”…
No, that wouldn’t work. ( I just imagined saying that to my own mother…NOW THATS FUNNY!!)
Anyway, I got yu back Rosa. You can fall this way and i will catch you everytime. (Unless i’m asleep like Donna has to be sometimes)! lol!
I LOVE YOU! YOU GO GIRL!! (((HUGS))) xo
Blueskies:
You will look back in a week ( I promise), and go ” Oh my God! How did I get through that I AM A GENIUS! you watch! Mark my words! xoxoxoxoxox
Blueskies:
When Oxy said about how when the “P comes on it creates absolute CHAOS!” she wasn’t joking. It has happened EVERYTIME!! I usually duck and weave and am not half as brave as you are, trying to work it out. I have just resorted to chatting with those I KNOW are safe. But the other day, for various reasons, I put my big toe in the water.
Lucky I had Rosa and kathy and then later everyone else to sew it back on.
Blueskies it is WONDERFUL for you to see the absolute chaos that “the snakes in suits” can manifest. Even amongst people who have got their number.It is very real. You should be proud of yourself for being so committed to your recovery.