Yesterday, Lovefraud had an intruder. I saw this guy’s first couple of posts, which struck me as odd, but not necessarily offensive. I decided to keep an eye on him.
Before long, however, several longtime Lovefraud contributors began attacking this individual. I thought the attacks were unwarranted.
We have had occasions in the past when people started accusing newcomers of being sociopaths. I think this is a very dangerous thing to do based on a few posts that may sound different from what we generally see here.
Meaning is missing
Experts have found that 65 percent to 90 percent of the meaning in human communication comes from nonverbal cues—tone of voice, gestures, posture. That means when the primary form of communication is via words on a computer monitor, 65 percent to 90 percent of the meaning is missing.
So how can we be sure of a person’s intentions? Not everyone is an expressive writer—some people may be stiff and formal. And not everyone may speak (and write) English as a first language.
Furthermore, Lovefraud.com is not a closed, invitation-only forum. It is open to the public, so it is quite possible that we have readers who are not victims, or former victims, of sociopaths. People who have been lucky enough not to have experienced the assault of a sociopath have a very different perspective from those of us who have been there. They may wonder, in writing, what all the bellyaching is about. That doesn’t mean they are sociopaths.
We also may have people who jump into a conversation without much of an introduction. There is no prerequisite that people tell their stories before participating in the Lovefraud Blog. Someone may just want to make an observation or pose a question. The post may sound different from what we generally see. That doesn’t make him or her a sociopath.
Jumping to conclusions is not helpful. In one situation, a person was attacked in what I believe was simply a case of mistaken identity.
Negative intentions
Now, it does turn out that everyone who sensed negative intentions on the part of yesterday’s intruder was right. Checking the IP address, I found that it was the same guy who showed up a few days ago. He actually posted on another forum, where predators apparently compare notes, that he hacked into his girlfriend’s computer and found references to Lovefraud. He then invited all his cronies to launch an attack on this blog.
A few Lovefraud contributors did write to me to express concerns, which I appreciate. I was watching this individual. But I admit that he began to show his true colors after I was away from the computer, and I didn’t react quickly. Now, however, I have deleted all his posts.
Personal attacks are not tolerated
The policy at Lovefraud is that personal attacks against other bloggers are not tolerated. I ask everyone, even long-time contributors who suspect a predator, to observe this policy.
So when you believe that someone is here to cause trouble, please do not engage. Do not react. Do not take the bait. Because when we do, we just feed the beast, and the entire Lovefraud conversation degenerates.
It’s important for us to be listening to our intuition. But when we get messages that something is amiss, what should we do? In the real world, we advocate No Contact. I believe we should do the same on Lovefraud.
Remember, they’re looking for a reaction. If we don’t give it, most of them just go away.
P.S. I ‘m glad its you guys that have to come up with “the disaster plan” and NOT me, or we’d be in all the trouble in the world! lol!
With deep prayer that I will not be misunderstood, I am taking a break from all the falderol to recover my peace, but it occurred to me to delay the break so that I could add my feelings about the stress and discomfort I felt when so many “oldies” posted and posted and posted in attempts to “help” us deal with the intruder. It’s happened twice now since I have been on this site. To me, it was more disruptive than the intruder!
Aren’t we supposed to be “fixing” ourselves? Do we truly need help in such instances? Yes, we need to recognize the intruders and not respond to them but I THINK most of us did, if not immediately, get the “picture” and avoid entering the fray.
And most importantly, a brand new poster must be alerted. But, I noticed it didn’t take too long for MariaLisa to “get the picture” to whom she was responding.
None of us are dummies, remember. We may be wounded and trying to heal but I don’t even think we would even find this board if we didn’t all have some intelligence.
I mean NO OFFENSE to those posters who tried to “fix” the situation but one of the first lessons I learned — even before I escaped my EX — that we CAN’T fix the disordered and we have no business trying to “fix” any one but ourselves.
I hope Donna’s idea to post something all can read as they join the site is a GREAT idea and that the rest of us just chill out.
I’m not sorry I was this honest with my feelings but I am sorry if I have offended anyone.
ANewLily:
I am not offended. I wasn’t trying to fix the psychopath, just expose him. Next time I will do like I used to and that is ignore him and wonder why the others can’t see…YET.
There was a timing issue in this one too..Donna had to get some well deserved SLEEP. So thats when it spiralled.
Anyway, everyone is stronger and tighter for it, and LF is just wiser.
Have an awesome break..come back soon.(((((HUGS))))xo
When I post something in an attempt to let the intruder (and everyone else) know they are NOT conning me, I am already 100% sure about what they are.
Otherwise, I would not be speaking out.
The more they post, the more they prove my case.
But, I understand that not everyone can see that.
Next time, I will have to go with Tilly and ignore.
Tilly, we can come up with our own code word.
How about “lulz”? 🙂 OR Elton John 🙂 🙂 ?
lulz is already DEFINED in Wiki as essentially the chaos that they cause, and they are laughing while the chaos goes on and the place (online) that they attacked (blog or one person) is going crazy.
We call that behavior about a psychopath “crazymaking” and that is exactly wit it is.
I think part of the problem too is the “egg shell walking” that we do sometimes around someone who is disordered so not to “create a stink” when the problem, actually is SOMEONE ELSE’s bad behavior.
OxDrover:
I did not feel like I was walking on eggshells at all yesterday, or the day before. In fact, I sort of felt like I was smashing eggs all over the place.
I could have done more than I did, but I refrained.
SO are the rules different online than in person?? Or should we stick to the NC rule??? For the ones who are aware… and then see if they get bored …or disappear when they arent lulzing….some may interact with them on a benign level and they may do what they do in real life…move on…
Dont feed the animals…online or offline….stop. change direction. selfcontrol and MOVE ON…
Those interested in helping with a disaster plan, can you go back and review what occurred and at what point was it a problem and what would have or could have been done differently? I wasnt privvy to the past few days posts..but usually disaster plans require going back and reviewing what occured and how to handle it better or be prepared for future attacks….
I ignored the intruder at first. I wasnt sure what he was all about and had no intention of replying to him/her/it but when the ‘adopted child sold into slavery’ was posted I lost it. I feel so bad, like this is all my fault. I do apologize to everybody…
henry,
You dear sweet man…this is not your fault. This guy created so much turmoil in such a short period of time. Pushed everyones buttons.
Later in the day in his postings he made a very crude/vulgar remark about suicide that was directed at a newcomer. I didn’t even post to him directly but posted to the newcomer for her to ignore his posted comment.
He right away jumped on my posting and asked me “what was my problem?”
The sad part of this whole thing is that I haven’t seen her post since then. She might not have had an idea of what was going on here. I am sure his crude comment was hurtful.
He did alot of damage.
Guys, the crude suicide comment as well as the “sold the child into slavery” things both triggered me.
What I meant about “walking on egg shells” is that when I see a P-ish person here or someone crude, etc. I might like to “biatch slap” them for acting that way in what I feel is “my/our” territory, our sanctuary, and/or damaging newbies etc while they are here—I might LIKE to say, “go away” or “act right, you idiot” or say “look out folks, I think this guy is P-ish” but at the same time, don’t want to create a rucus here trying to stop the guy or get him to move on.
So since Donna has the authority and the responsibilty for this site (it IS her site after all!) my own “ownership” feelings about LF make me want to protect it and protect other posters here from more damage. I wouldn’t be suprised if others here have an “ownership” feeling about LF as well. It has been a sanctuary to many.
I see now that I was trying to take responsibility where I had no authority—kind of like the kid in the classroom, if I see another kid misbehaving, I need to tell the teacher, not b1atch slap the creep! I used to try to teach my kids the difference between “tattling” and “telling.”
“Tattling” is saying “Johnny called me a doo doo”
“Telling” is saying “Johnny is setting the house on fire.”