Yesterday, Lovefraud had an intruder. I saw this guy’s first couple of posts, which struck me as odd, but not necessarily offensive. I decided to keep an eye on him.
Before long, however, several longtime Lovefraud contributors began attacking this individual. I thought the attacks were unwarranted.
We have had occasions in the past when people started accusing newcomers of being sociopaths. I think this is a very dangerous thing to do based on a few posts that may sound different from what we generally see here.
Meaning is missing
Experts have found that 65 percent to 90 percent of the meaning in human communication comes from nonverbal cues—tone of voice, gestures, posture. That means when the primary form of communication is via words on a computer monitor, 65 percent to 90 percent of the meaning is missing.
So how can we be sure of a person’s intentions? Not everyone is an expressive writer—some people may be stiff and formal. And not everyone may speak (and write) English as a first language.
Furthermore, Lovefraud.com is not a closed, invitation-only forum. It is open to the public, so it is quite possible that we have readers who are not victims, or former victims, of sociopaths. People who have been lucky enough not to have experienced the assault of a sociopath have a very different perspective from those of us who have been there. They may wonder, in writing, what all the bellyaching is about. That doesn’t mean they are sociopaths.
We also may have people who jump into a conversation without much of an introduction. There is no prerequisite that people tell their stories before participating in the Lovefraud Blog. Someone may just want to make an observation or pose a question. The post may sound different from what we generally see. That doesn’t make him or her a sociopath.
Jumping to conclusions is not helpful. In one situation, a person was attacked in what I believe was simply a case of mistaken identity.
Negative intentions
Now, it does turn out that everyone who sensed negative intentions on the part of yesterday’s intruder was right. Checking the IP address, I found that it was the same guy who showed up a few days ago. He actually posted on another forum, where predators apparently compare notes, that he hacked into his girlfriend’s computer and found references to Lovefraud. He then invited all his cronies to launch an attack on this blog.
A few Lovefraud contributors did write to me to express concerns, which I appreciate. I was watching this individual. But I admit that he began to show his true colors after I was away from the computer, and I didn’t react quickly. Now, however, I have deleted all his posts.
Personal attacks are not tolerated
The policy at Lovefraud is that personal attacks against other bloggers are not tolerated. I ask everyone, even long-time contributors who suspect a predator, to observe this policy.
So when you believe that someone is here to cause trouble, please do not engage. Do not react. Do not take the bait. Because when we do, we just feed the beast, and the entire Lovefraud conversation degenerates.
It’s important for us to be listening to our intuition. But when we get messages that something is amiss, what should we do? In the real world, we advocate No Contact. I believe we should do the same on Lovefraud.
Remember, they’re looking for a reaction. If we don’t give it, most of them just go away.
Donna- I post rarely, but was having a really bad day yesterday and I posted on the article about how cruel Ss can be. I found that article very helpful and the kind responses I received as well. Can the article and the posts (Like mine and the people who responded to me) not related to the “abuser” be restored?
Kathy:
” engagement with him very emotional for you, and likewise your reactions to what happened around it.”
Yes, I agree with you kathleen that I am totally in the anger stage and proud of it! I did not feel emotional with the P yesterday when I engaged with and i “chose” to engage with him for that reason. I felt safe because i was amongst my own. And your right in everything you said about it, especially that i was trying to expose him more, which i certainly did. (And i am sure he/they are reading this today to get more tips).
But you are also right in the part where you said,” ,…my reactions to people around me”.
I was totally over-reactive in my reactions to other people to make an effort to get them to see what was happening. However it backfired, with some intersting results.
I want to thank you again for expressing for me what i can’t. You are an amazing writer and journalist! Thankyou for helping me these last few days. Your help has been enormous and I have had an “epiphany” or a “breakthru” yet again, thanks to YOU!
You will notice that i only engaged with the one psychopath yesterday. That was because i did not feel emotionally engaged with him and I knew what I was doing. In the anger stage it is great to confirm, restate and remember psychopathic behaviours.
However, i agree with Rosa about some of the other psychopaths and I have purposely NOT ever directly engaged with them. That is because i am not up to the challenge. I have mentioned them on my way, but i have not been up to trying to help others to see what they are, without getting hurt. So I am steering clear of them.
Donna gave me an apology and I am APOLOGISING right BACK to YOU DONNA! I am sorry for over-reacting to you Donna when you deleted some of my posts! I know we wouldn’t have a LF if it wasn’t for you. And yes i know i am in the angry stage and I am NOT PRETENDING otherwise.
I think Rosa needs a bit more support at the moment, not explanation about anything, just how grateful we are to her for helping us in the best way she can. THANKYOU ROSA!!! Sorry I can’t do any more on this one. I’m just not emotionally up to it.
Stay cool guys!
Its a beautiful day here at home, with my brown snakes, funnel webs, stone fish and blue ringed octopus!
Henry, dear,
I think yes it is appropriate to recommend LF if you think someone is in a P relationship.
Ps come here just like they infiltrate AA groups and every other group I ahve EVER been in. I’ve got several Ns and Ps in my living history group and they are a PITA –remember me telling about the one I went to the DA and filed charges on cause he pointed a gun at me? (as a joke) Well, they are everywhere.
I don’t doubt that there will be future attacks on LF when the S/Ps will come here to try to stir up trouble, but I think we just need to be like I said above, CAUTIOUS with any one any where, in real llife or on the internet. I’m not in the least afraid for them to read my “story”—even if they take it back to their own cave-blog and gloat over it. So what! I think they will reveal themselves sooner or later as FAKES, just like they do in real life. When the lastest one came on there was something that raised my hackles on his first post and I sent Donna an e mail telling her that I thought he might “bear watching” and of course it didn’t take long until there was chaos…which was what he intended to do.
It was the usual crap of Ps—blame placing “Do you not have a sense of humor?” “I haven’t committed a crime and everyone is blaming me” and so on. Typical P-crap that most of us recognize immediately. Of course I just “loved” the pity play of “we adopted a child and he sold it into slavery for drug money” pa—leee-aze, make up a better fake story than that one! See, they do not even know what will “fly” as a reasonable or believeable story. that one Elizabeth told about meething with th e P about the money he told her and when he got there he made up this story that BOTH his parents were killed in a plane crash while he was on the way to meet her—and of course, that was the reason he hadn’t paid her the money for x number of years or months! ha ha He didn’t even have sense enough to make up a GOOD LIE! The same thing I think with P.M. he didn’t have sense enough to camo his N-ism or make up a good pity-play lie.\
You know guys, I give us an A+ for spotting these fakers lately, and the “control freak” a while back—we’re getting goood at this and we need to work on getting even better—but when we spot one we need to figure out some way to “warn” others AND not start a “fight” on the blog…I know you guys are smart, so put yer pointed heads together and figure out a way!!! LOL
Dear DEAR Tilly,
I am glad you are back, you know we love you!!!! Being triggered by these arseholes is nothing to be ashamed of in any way!!! ((((hugs))))) I’m glad you and donna have patched things up and you know that I care so much about you, it hurt me to see you hurt ((((hugs again!)) I know you have had a bad week and this was just the topper on the ice cream sundae!!! What you didn’t need, and every time one of these creep-os comes here it causes chaos. But we are learning how to spot them, and we are getting stronger every day! That’s what LF is all about —and helping others who come after us.
On the above post, I had started it and not finished it while you guys were posting, then came back and saw your and other’s posts after I posted the above post, so this one is specially for YOU. I also agree with LTL too. (((hugs to you all))))
Hey Oxy… I say if Donna approves that we engage in “covertly
warning” others — instead of just notifying Donna of our concerns — that maybe an short article can be written and we can refer the innocent poster to go back and read THAT Article. Although, in the real world we all agree we cant “warn” anyone about a S/P/N… so not sure we should be taking that on here at LF Website….just not sure whats best…but you are right where theres a will theres a way – maybe just posting a post that says RED FLAG! As long as Donna agrees .
Dear LTL,
That might be a good way or just FLAG….but newbies wouldn’t know what it was so I’m not sure, I do know that a nice email to donna is okay. She is VERY available, and considering that LF is not her FULL TIME JOB she is amazing!!!! I think we all need to give Donna a big round of TOWANDAs!!!!!
Dear Oxy,
I 2nd that notion! Donna truly does not miss a beat with her baby
“LF” — she is heaven sent and I really think this site is surrounded by Cyber Angels who help Donna weed out the bad seeds each and everytime.
TOWANDA DONNA – You run a tight ship and it shows!!!! Towanda!
Dear Tilly,
Glad you are back.
Tilly, thanks so much for popping back in. I was just about to write another mind-reading post about you and I’m relieved to abandon it. It’s a very bad habit of mine.
Jen2008, this may sound very peculiar but we are not always reasonable here. But what we do try to be is honest, responding in real-time with how we feel. It creates some interesting conversations, and many of us (including me) get our feelings hurt occasionally. And others of us (including me) get lessons about how other people feel about what we say.
But one of the most important things that happens here on LoveFraud is that people get in touch with their anger. Many, if not most of us, were not particularly good at anger before we got involved with the sociopaths. And in releasing that old anger, we go through a period where it’s a big part of our personalities. Eventually we work through all the historical triggers that we didn’t react to when they happened. And we become comfortable with our anger, knowing that is an important part of our internal defenses. And then, finally, we become people who know how to use it effectively and creatively.
That process is happening all over this blog, and when you understand what you’re seeing, it is a kind of miracle in motion, changing people’s lives, and opening up their authenticity and personal power.
There are no “should’s” in this. In fact, we put away the should’s for this experience, and just be ourselves. This is one of the ways that this is a safe place. And as I said, it does cause us to get a little wild sometimes, and we do occasionally get our feelings hurt. But we also largely see the causes of each other’s behaviors, because we have so much in common.
I believe that really “good” behavior is not based on rules, but on knowing ourselves and being compassionate toward other people. I am proud of what Tilly did yesterday, the risks she took. And I understand what happened to her and why she felt the way she did. I’m not defending her. I don’t have to defend her. She was a hero. And she learned something about herself that will literally change her life.
Maybe we should invite these guys in once in a while, so we can practice on them. For some people, it might be a good thing.
Just kidding, Donna.
LOL KATHLEEN…. LAST SENTENCE…LOL! AND REALLY ENLIGHTENING AND EQUALLY FAIR POST TO AND FOR ALL OF US… THANKS…