Yesterday, Lovefraud had an intruder. I saw this guy’s first couple of posts, which struck me as odd, but not necessarily offensive. I decided to keep an eye on him.
Before long, however, several longtime Lovefraud contributors began attacking this individual. I thought the attacks were unwarranted.
We have had occasions in the past when people started accusing newcomers of being sociopaths. I think this is a very dangerous thing to do based on a few posts that may sound different from what we generally see here.
Meaning is missing
Experts have found that 65 percent to 90 percent of the meaning in human communication comes from nonverbal cues—tone of voice, gestures, posture. That means when the primary form of communication is via words on a computer monitor, 65 percent to 90 percent of the meaning is missing.
So how can we be sure of a person’s intentions? Not everyone is an expressive writer—some people may be stiff and formal. And not everyone may speak (and write) English as a first language.
Furthermore, Lovefraud.com is not a closed, invitation-only forum. It is open to the public, so it is quite possible that we have readers who are not victims, or former victims, of sociopaths. People who have been lucky enough not to have experienced the assault of a sociopath have a very different perspective from those of us who have been there. They may wonder, in writing, what all the bellyaching is about. That doesn’t mean they are sociopaths.
We also may have people who jump into a conversation without much of an introduction. There is no prerequisite that people tell their stories before participating in the Lovefraud Blog. Someone may just want to make an observation or pose a question. The post may sound different from what we generally see. That doesn’t make him or her a sociopath.
Jumping to conclusions is not helpful. In one situation, a person was attacked in what I believe was simply a case of mistaken identity.
Negative intentions
Now, it does turn out that everyone who sensed negative intentions on the part of yesterday’s intruder was right. Checking the IP address, I found that it was the same guy who showed up a few days ago. He actually posted on another forum, where predators apparently compare notes, that he hacked into his girlfriend’s computer and found references to Lovefraud. He then invited all his cronies to launch an attack on this blog.
A few Lovefraud contributors did write to me to express concerns, which I appreciate. I was watching this individual. But I admit that he began to show his true colors after I was away from the computer, and I didn’t react quickly. Now, however, I have deleted all his posts.
Personal attacks are not tolerated
The policy at Lovefraud is that personal attacks against other bloggers are not tolerated. I ask everyone, even long-time contributors who suspect a predator, to observe this policy.
So when you believe that someone is here to cause trouble, please do not engage. Do not react. Do not take the bait. Because when we do, we just feed the beast, and the entire Lovefraud conversation degenerates.
It’s important for us to be listening to our intuition. But when we get messages that something is amiss, what should we do? In the real world, we advocate No Contact. I believe we should do the same on Lovefraud.
Remember, they’re looking for a reaction. If we don’t give it, most of them just go away.
Tilly:
You sound a lot better tonight. I am glad.
It was lonely on here without you today. Am I the only one seeing this?? If I am the only one, then I am scared.
I would NOT give us an A+ for spotting fakers.
There was A LOT of mirroring going on on this thread this afternoon.
But, it feels really good when someone is agreeing with you 100% of the time, and repeating everything you say right back to you, just with different semantics.
They are not all going to come on here with a vengeance, throwing insults and outrageous lies.
I hope we all know that these individuals can be really charming, and intelligent. Just because someone comes on with good chit-chat, or facts and figures in tow, does NOT make them any less morally/emotionally vacant.
These are the “props” they will use. Please do not be mesmerized by the sideshow.
Donna & Oxy,
Thank you for what you & all the other posters have done to restore the peace here. Whenever we’ve been intruded upon before by one of those little trolls, it literally scares the beejeepers outta me. My gut reaction is to flee, stay hidden for awhile, then peek out to see if the danger is gone. I usually have nightmares for a few days about the s, until I’m back on an even keel, again. I think the signal word idea is a good one, to keep us scaredy cats from hanging from the rafters like Sylvester the cat!
Rosa,
I think I hear you on this. There were a couple of things thrown out there that I didn’t understand, at first, but I do believe that I know what your saying.
So many of the blogs are gone or threads deleated that you can’t go back and reread and follow through all what was said. And so I’m not 100% convinced.
On the subject of referring people here, I do it myself- but usually in a PM or such rather than on a public forum. It allows the person to read the reasons I think they are dealing with a disordered person in private, come have a look, and then work on it themselves. Sometimes talking about n/s/p’s in public just brings out the attack dog in people…especially when they themselves exhibit some of those traits…lol. I’ve gotten several thank you’s for the referrals…I don’t know if they’ve ever logged on or posted but they have READ. It just breaks my heart when I run across people who have been devastated by what sounds like sociopathic behaviour and they don’t even know WHY they feel so bad. Ugh- I hated that lost and adrift feeling. Never again- and that’s largely because of lovefraud.
I’ve noticed that when there is a big “S” event and someone posts lovefraud’s addy into a comment, within a few days there is some imposter that gets the “nudge” to take a hike. The Sandra Boss article, for example…I forget the user’s name but it’s the one that lead to the mistaken identity incident shortly thereafter. Maybe if you post a lovefraud link in an article’s comment section – especially if it is receiving national attention- one should let folks here know. I think that action brings in both a n/p/s victim or two as well as a n/p/s.
I like the idea of a signal or “safe” word. Or start reciting your favorite children’s poetry- “Mary had a little lamb, it’s fleece was white as snow…” The n/p/s’s think we’re nuts anyway-they won’t get it. ;)~
Keep up the fabulous work Donna- there are many people who are silent, but stronger for all that you do.
Yes, Donna, I second Blindsided’s request to consider restoring the original article and nonPM related posts, please?
I believe I was one of the people who responded to Blindsided after reading how she was struggling with the upcoming date of July 31 that has sad significance…
Blindsided did I get that scenario right? I couldn’t remember your log-in name and have looked around a bit today trying to figure out “who” you are so I could check in and see if you ever read my response and if, more importantly, you are feeling worse, the same, or (HOPEFULLY) better today?
Hecate
Donna,
Thank you for this site! I wouldn’t have made it this far without it, and I know I wouldn’t be healing.
Tilly! Glad you’re back!
Was having a very bad day yesterday, and came in reading right in the middle of everything. Initially, I was very uncomfortable, but then I realized: this was my chance to see if I could spot the red flags, and listen to how others dealt with the intruder. NC is my choice, but sometimes, that isn’t possible.
I noticed how shallow what PM wrote was, and how there were not-so-subtle “jokes” that were really abusive. That I could see it was really great, because I used to just edit out the unpleasant, which of course made me a better target.
While everyone didn’t get along so great yesterday, look at what’s happening now! In healthy, balanced, happy families, there are still disagreements, but they are resolved based on respect and willingness to consider one’s self and others, and the choice to be gracious. It’s pretty great that this is happening right now, in this on-line family.
When ants are threatened with water, they form an “ant ball” by joining together so they can ride out the flood (yep, I’m a nerd). They do this by holding onto each other. Single ants would be swept away and drowned; but in the ant ball, because they from a greater surface area, they often survive. Cool, huh? It’s amazing that we are from all over, different countries and continents — yet here we are, forming connections that allow us to overcome one of the most vicious onslaughts a person can encounter.
My plan is to be aware when new people arrive, and simply be observant. Treat them neutrally — be polite and offer some support, or even be silent if it takes me a while to figure things out — until signs present themselves that something is “off,” then I’m emailing Donna (bless her!).
I’m glad we’re talking about this, and I know we will be able to find solutions that work for this really quite remarkable community.
BIGhugs,
Betty
Glinda and LF friends,
LMBO on Glinda’s comment “The s/n/p’s think we’re nuts anyway…” Heaven knows they’re kinda short on SELF reflection LOL!
Yesterday I mentioned I am reading “Columbine.” After the author’s notes (in front of the book) there is a quote by Earnest Hemingway that seems not only appropriate for all of us on the recovery path, wherever we may be, but also in light of the recent events:
“The world breaks everyone and afterward we are strong at the broken places.”
whether our “yesterday” is literal or metaphoric I have faith that each of us is indeed a bit stronger today from where we were “yesterday”… And in our strength we weaken the S/N/Ps…
OMG!! Major OOPs! In my post at 8:32 PM I misquoted Hemingway!!!
That quote SHOULD say:
“The world breaks everyone and afterward *many* are strong at the broken places.”
Pretty bad when an English teacher misquotes Hemingway… glad my students will never know, LOL!
Good evening all,
Always a day late and a dollar short here. I caught most of the happenings on the fly yesterday; so busy at work I couldn’t do much more than cheer and jeer at what was going on.
The jeers, of course, to the Hollow Ones, and the cheers to my LF buddies. Good going, all, including the astute and oftentimes very funny Rosa.
I’ve posted for a lotta years on messages boards of various types, and a troll is a troll is a troll, psycho or not. The best way to handle ANY would-be disruptor is to ignore him/her. In the words of Den Mother Oxy, “potted plant, potted plant, potted plant.”
And to Henry: I had a dandy post started in reply to your question while I was at work earlier, but had to erase it when my ride arrived early. The gist of it was this: absolutely you should invite others to LF. It’s one of the few places I’ve found with good information, great people, and a consistently good signal-to-noise ratio.
You read some of the other sites addressing the N/S/P subject, and its like you’re on a bullet train to Nuttyville.
However, I have advised others to lurk for quite a while first to get a feel of the place. But that’s just me. And of course, it’s always a good idea to be circumspect in disclosing your location, your profession, things like that. I’ve always taken care to keep concrete details of my life hidden, even as I anonymously reveal deep personal truths. There really are bad people out there. Of course we’ll run across them now and then–and if our aim is particularly good, run over them–but for the most part I’d rather just avoid them. They’re boring, because they’re all the same. Hollow, shallow, and mean.
Hecates path-
Thanks for remembering- yes it was me and I was really comforted by your comments and one other- it was said that I should try to do something fun on the annniversary of the D&D-7/31. It was good advice- but easier said than done.
Although it is 6 weeks today of NC, I still had an awful day today. The S and I met at work- he is a social worker with a Masters degree as am I. Shortly after the D&D, the S began having major problems at work (Thinking back to stories he told me about past jobs- this has been a lifelong pattern). I’ve learned from reading (especially helpful is “The Sociopath Next Door”)Ss are chronically bored and not really able to concentrate long enough to maintain on a job for long. I’ve held this job for 30 years, he only 3 yrs. Anyway, apparently his problems got so bad that he was suspended for a week. After that, he took off 12 weeks of FMLA (family medical leave act) because his Mom is not well- funny how Ss can obtain documentation to be able to do that. During the call me made to me 6 weeks ago today, he said that he was looking for another job because he knew if he stayed he would be fired. Today, someone I rarely see stopped by my office to say Hi and told me she had heard from the S and he got another job- in a location that is at least an hour away from where he lives. My initial reaction was- great, I’ll never see him again. But also there was pain- not only did he blow the wonderful relationship with me because he “didn’t love me” to move on to a new victim who he told me he loves (cruel- because I know he CAN’T love), but he blew a great job too. So sad,and apparently so typical of Ss. I thought ,as I was coming home tonight- he’s probably already found a new victim on his new job that he’s starting to “charm”.
I obviously know in my mind what he is all about, but even after a year, my heart cannot believe that this person I loved with all my heart and was so wonderful to me was a total fake- that the person I thought I knew does not even exist. I still have a long way to go.
Thanks again for your support.
I also reached out to DONE last night who has helped me a lot in the past but whom I haven’t seen posting lately, Thanks to you too for support you provided 6 weeks ago.