The connection between love and politics—that was the topic of commentary in yesterday’s paper written by Gregory Rodriguez, a columnist for the Los Angeles Times. The article, Love and politics in a cynical age, got me thinking about the consistency of behavior.
Rodriguez summarized how Americans have come to view the private lives and public lives of the people we elect to represent us. He wrote:
The truth is that we don’t generally associate politics or politicians with happy marriages and deep romance, let alone fidelity. The constant revelation of scandals and peccadilloes in the halls of power have trained us to expect the worst of those—particularly the men—we elect to shepherd and protect the interests of society. Somewhere along the line, Americans have even bought into the notion that a politician’s private life, in particular his love life, has little or nothing to do with his efforts on behalf of the public good.
In other words, people seem to think that just because an elected official cheats on his spouse, it doesn’t mean we can’t trust him with our tax dollars.
Not everyone holds this view. Ross Perot, who ran for president in 1992, famously said that at his company, EDS, lying, cheating, stealing and adultery were all grounds for dismissal. If he were elected, he said, the same standard would apply. Perot said:
“If a man’s own wife cannot trust him, how can the American people?”
This, I think, is a legitimate question.
Different behavior
People often ask me if a sociopath will be “different” with a particular person. For example, can a sociopathic man who hates and harasses his ex-wife love his children? Can a sociopathic woman who takes advantage of her family be true to her new boyfriend?
The short answer is no. Exploitative people exploit anyone who has something that they want.
The long answer is that exploitative people may seem to authentically care for particular individuals, but it’s probably just part of an overall scheme of manipulation. The sociopath is just softening up the target, preparing for the right time to strike.
Here is one of the most dangerous thoughts we can ever have: “Well, yes, he (or she) treated that person badly, but he’ll never do that to me!”
Remember: The best indication of future behavior is past behavior. If you know that a person has behaved in a deceitful or exploitative way towards someone else, sooner or later, the person will behave that way towards you.
Compartmentalize
So why do we compartmentalize? Why do people seem to believe that how our elected officials conduct their private lives has nothing to do with how they conduct their public lives? Why is it that when we hear of a powerful person who has a solid marriage, we are surprised?
Maybe we’re beaten down. Maybe we’re totally disillusioned. After all, stories of deceit, betrayal and treachery have been around as long as humans have told stories. Maybe we hear of so many scandals—from cheating spouses to tax dollars wasted—that we simply expect the worst of people.
Perhaps public life has simply gotten too easy in America. It’s not like the Revolutionary War, when men risked their lives and fortunes to stand up to the British. No, politics today is all talk and no consequences. That makes it an excellent career choice for sociopaths—all they have to do is be charming, charismatic and deceitful.
Sociopaths, after all, want power, control and sex. By getting elected, they have access to everything they want.
Liu Xiaobo
That’s why it’s so refreshing to hear about people, in this day and age, fighting the good fight from a foundation of love.
In the article that I quoted in the beginning of this post, the author, Gregory Rodriguez, also wrote about Liu Xiaobo. Liu is the Chinese dissident who recently won the Nobel Peace Prize. He, of course, was viewed as a subversive criminal by the Chinese government, and was not allowed to go to Norway and accept the prize. Rodriguez explained how his absence was handled in Oslo:
Actress Liv Ullmann read aloud the statement Liu released last December as he was awaiting trial for “inciting subversion of state power.” At the top, he sermonized against hatred (“enmity can poison a nation’s spirit”), but his ending was an exquisite love letter to his wife, Liu Xia.
“I am sentenced to a visible prison,” he wrote, “while you are waiting in an invisible one. Your love is sunlight that transcends prison walls and bars, stroking every inch of my skin, warming my every cell, letting me maintain my inner calm, magnanimous and bright, so that every minute in prison is full of meaning. But my love for you is full of guilt and regret, sometimes heavy enough to hobble my steps. I am a hard stone in the wilderness, putting up with the pummeling of raging storms, and too cold for anyone to dare touch. But my love is hard, sharp, and can penetrate any obstacles. Even if I am crushed into powder, I will embrace you with the ashes.”
Rodriguez viewed Liu’s words to his wife as a sign of passion and commitment, and the bad behavior in the private lives of elected officials as the opposite. The point, Rodriguez wrote, is that love begins at home.
How people conduct their private lives is absolutely relevant to whether or not they should be elected. People who cannot be trusted by their most intimate loved ones cannot be trusted by anyone. And people who feel genuine love and compassion for their families can extend their love and compassion for the greater good.
super chic
petite, I may have misunderstood you, you said you want to back out of the deal, but it sounds like you’re going full steam ahead… you’re already planning your retirement together? He promised his wife he would stop cheating, and that was a lie, he cheated with you. His “word” means nothing.
So this top notch doctor can’t afford to pay for his hotel room for 2 days? Poor thing needs a friend to stay with?
He can’t interfere with your working life, “except for toying with my heart” ??? Are you serious? If he upset your working life, that would be bad… but just “toying” with your heart… is… ok? I don’t understand why you treat it so lightly. Most of the people here were devastated, lives ruined.
You are concerned about giving up your financial independence, but I guarantee you, that won’t mean anything to you if you give up your soul to be with him.
I TAKE BACK “LIVES RUINED”!! THE PEOPLE HERE ARE SOME KICK ASS SURVIVORS!!!
Your first post said “I was a bad girl, I indulged with him” and then it sounds like “later” you told him he had to get a divorce if he wanted to be with you again? So he is just telling you what you want to hear? I wonder why he said he doesn’t know why he went “astray”. Not only 1 time, but 6 times!
petite
HI schic,
I just wrote a note to EB explaining about the hotel. He will be staying at a hotel as our hospital guest.
what I mean is he cannot have me sacked, but he can toy enough with my heart to get me insane and not function well at work.
when he cheated with me – the crap was that we are already going to get divorced, my marriage is over, you did not break it, we are going our separate ways in few months, he said yes- this is cheating, but now my marriage is comatose and is no longer alive.
yes, crap and then he said if I do not move out by the end of the year, then we will not get close with each other, so now he has kept his owrd and moved out. This is the why he put his thoughts to me.
please, I am not defending him, just sharing how he is trying to justify that this is all on track.
ErinBrock
Petite:
I will be direct with my thoughts with you…..because I see this as walking into the lions den.
I guess the details don’t matter…..what matters is your here…..you see red flags…..and the next step is NOT to avoid them…..thinking YOU”LL be different, it’ll be okay, you misread the flags…….
Heed your gut.
NOT your mind…..YOUR GUT…..the thing throwing out the warnings to you!
And Petite…..don’t think your immune from a sociopaths power……if you don’t ‘comply’ with a sociopaths plans…..they will find your weak ‘link’ and attack from that angle……don’t think your job/career or ANYTHING else is immune from a sociopaths destruction……IT”S NOT!
Discounting a spath is leaving a door wide open for them.
Btw….also he shouldn’t feel the need justify ANYTHING if he’s above board…….
If he’s on another continent……how are you so sure he is in process of divorcing, and left the wife? FOR SURE……NOT what he’s told you…..FOR SURE!???
Dr’s are KNOWN filanderers….i’m sure you already know that one.
ErinBrock
I could go on and on and on……
Okay…..so he’s Mr. Wonderful……
Don’t you think you should give him time to heal from a broken marriage to become ‘whole’ before you engage with him?
One can only give what they have to give…….if he’s not whole, he can’t give ‘wholey’ to you.
Makes sense.
After a breakup of a marriage…….one needs time to heal…..another partner (rebound) is NOT going to heal his broken heart.
Do you really want to be his BANDAID?
soimnotthecrazee1
Hi SC hugzz!
Petite: Let me look into my crystal ball, I see 2 scenerios that happen here:
1. man divorces wife moves countries away from children and family and retires with petite and live happily ever after( that is the fairytale version).
2. Man says he divorces wife, takes Petite for a ride and she ends up BROKE, with STD’s and alone becuase he went back to the other country, where he can’t be charged with anything for the embezzlement from petite’s business. Petite is lucky to even be alive at this point. Too old to go back to “prestigious” medical field and has PTSD! What will she do to survive??
Just My Opinion!!!
ErinBrock
AND he’s willing to leave his kids (and probably his ex’s alimony if he leaves the country) to ‘take a chance’ with you?
LEAVE HIS KIDS? WTF is that?
See how disposable things are to him…..leave his prestigious job, leave his kids…….hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!
Okay….i’ll stop now.
petite
I have other colleagues in the department where he works, who said so that he has moved, he send me pics of his apt and calls me at US night time, which he never could do in the past.
I agree EB – gut feelings is most imprtant and I will heed them. all else does not matter.
yes, I also told him he needs time to heal and quiet time to himself during and after the divorce.
agree EB, agree.
petite
EB,
he will only take up a job at my place, if it pays him the same, my centre is equally prestigious and sought after as his is back home. Kids are old.
I am not taking his side, just telling you what he is thinking in his mind.
ErinBrock
Gut feelings baby…..gut feelings!
soimnotthecrazee1
Petite,
Believe what you want and do what you want. I think we all that have been burned by an spath are trying to prevent you from being burned also. do yourself a very big favor…. make sure you protect yourself…. financially. emotionally, physically your gut feelings are telling you to do so. Just in case it all falls apart, which I hope it doesn’t, but his history speaks for itsself!!! Be Safe!