The connection between love and politics—that was the topic of commentary in yesterday’s paper written by Gregory Rodriguez, a columnist for the Los Angeles Times. The article, Love and politics in a cynical age, got me thinking about the consistency of behavior.
Rodriguez summarized how Americans have come to view the private lives and public lives of the people we elect to represent us. He wrote:
The truth is that we don’t generally associate politics or politicians with happy marriages and deep romance, let alone fidelity. The constant revelation of scandals and peccadilloes in the halls of power have trained us to expect the worst of those—particularly the men—we elect to shepherd and protect the interests of society. Somewhere along the line, Americans have even bought into the notion that a politician’s private life, in particular his love life, has little or nothing to do with his efforts on behalf of the public good.
In other words, people seem to think that just because an elected official cheats on his spouse, it doesn’t mean we can’t trust him with our tax dollars.
Not everyone holds this view. Ross Perot, who ran for president in 1992, famously said that at his company, EDS, lying, cheating, stealing and adultery were all grounds for dismissal. If he were elected, he said, the same standard would apply. Perot said:
“If a man’s own wife cannot trust him, how can the American people?”
This, I think, is a legitimate question.
Different behavior
People often ask me if a sociopath will be “different” with a particular person. For example, can a sociopathic man who hates and harasses his ex-wife love his children? Can a sociopathic woman who takes advantage of her family be true to her new boyfriend?
The short answer is no. Exploitative people exploit anyone who has something that they want.
The long answer is that exploitative people may seem to authentically care for particular individuals, but it’s probably just part of an overall scheme of manipulation. The sociopath is just softening up the target, preparing for the right time to strike.
Here is one of the most dangerous thoughts we can ever have: “Well, yes, he (or she) treated that person badly, but he’ll never do that to me!”
Remember: The best indication of future behavior is past behavior. If you know that a person has behaved in a deceitful or exploitative way towards someone else, sooner or later, the person will behave that way towards you.
Compartmentalize
So why do we compartmentalize? Why do people seem to believe that how our elected officials conduct their private lives has nothing to do with how they conduct their public lives? Why is it that when we hear of a powerful person who has a solid marriage, we are surprised?
Maybe we’re beaten down. Maybe we’re totally disillusioned. After all, stories of deceit, betrayal and treachery have been around as long as humans have told stories. Maybe we hear of so many scandals—from cheating spouses to tax dollars wasted—that we simply expect the worst of people.
Perhaps public life has simply gotten too easy in America. It’s not like the Revolutionary War, when men risked their lives and fortunes to stand up to the British. No, politics today is all talk and no consequences. That makes it an excellent career choice for sociopaths—all they have to do is be charming, charismatic and deceitful.
Sociopaths, after all, want power, control and sex. By getting elected, they have access to everything they want.
Liu Xiaobo
That’s why it’s so refreshing to hear about people, in this day and age, fighting the good fight from a foundation of love.
In the article that I quoted in the beginning of this post, the author, Gregory Rodriguez, also wrote about Liu Xiaobo. Liu is the Chinese dissident who recently won the Nobel Peace Prize. He, of course, was viewed as a subversive criminal by the Chinese government, and was not allowed to go to Norway and accept the prize. Rodriguez explained how his absence was handled in Oslo:
Actress Liv Ullmann read aloud the statement Liu released last December as he was awaiting trial for “inciting subversion of state power.” At the top, he sermonized against hatred (“enmity can poison a nation’s spirit”), but his ending was an exquisite love letter to his wife, Liu Xia.
“I am sentenced to a visible prison,” he wrote, “while you are waiting in an invisible one. Your love is sunlight that transcends prison walls and bars, stroking every inch of my skin, warming my every cell, letting me maintain my inner calm, magnanimous and bright, so that every minute in prison is full of meaning. But my love for you is full of guilt and regret, sometimes heavy enough to hobble my steps. I am a hard stone in the wilderness, putting up with the pummeling of raging storms, and too cold for anyone to dare touch. But my love is hard, sharp, and can penetrate any obstacles. Even if I am crushed into powder, I will embrace you with the ashes.”
Rodriguez viewed Liu’s words to his wife as a sign of passion and commitment, and the bad behavior in the private lives of elected officials as the opposite. The point, Rodriguez wrote, is that love begins at home.
How people conduct their private lives is absolutely relevant to whether or not they should be elected. People who cannot be trusted by their most intimate loved ones cannot be trusted by anyone. And people who feel genuine love and compassion for their families can extend their love and compassion for the greater good.
one_step_at_a_time :
“it’s a term people use to downplay how much they are drinking”” are you suggesting that Katy is downplaying her drinking?????????? 🙂
soimnotthecrazee1 :
“throwing out the drambuiee!! ” no,no,no,no,no,no,no,no!!!!! I’ll pay the postage to Australia!!! Please don’t – it’s my favourite.
(And DON’T send it to EB just because she’s closer to you – I’m prepared to pay you more than she is….) 🙂
Glad to hear you guys had some fun last night. xxx
I must sadly confess to having to drink champagne at 11.15pm and then going to bed because I was too old and tired to wait another 45 minutes….. (naturally, I blame the spath for ALL of this deterioration in my stamina)
Shabby – that’s beautiful!
aussie – …just sayin’…
EB – when we are young we don’t know what’s ‘normal.’ we have lived so little, with so little to compare it to. I wonder though, if young people have the idea that they can look for resources? Everything is different now with the internet, there is *access*, but is their an understanding that they CAN look?
I had no options as a teen. nada. And as a young woman leaving an abusive relationship, I would never have thought to go to a DV shelter or even call them – I had no point of reference that what i was experiencing was that, and no idea what the resources were that were in the community. The cops were involved and THEY helped me out in many ways. I did get a lawyer and a ro – but it was the cops who helped me (specifically a couple of detectives – who told me what his next moves would be, what i needed to do to protect myself; i ‘planted seeds’ with them, and then they went after him hard. they were the reason i got my stuff back, not the lawyer.)
as i gained more life experience i became a person who would track resources for all kinds of things. but it took time for that to happen..I know the first time I spoke out against my family was HUGE for me; i had believed the ‘story’. and about 5 years ago i told a couple of my father’s friends what a prick he was. maybe not the smartest move, but boy did i feel like an outlaw! some old programs are hard to break…even after all this time.
i am going out to see my mom today. it’s mild and i will be able to stand outside and talk to her for a few minutes. they didn’t go south, so no respite for onestep staying in their house. but it also means that’s 2 years in a row – and the n sire will be wanting to sell the house in the south….and for that, he will need my signature. i am hoping that i can use this as leverage to get a couple of things put in place.
I just sent the guys out to do the “dirty deed” on that little bull that busted through the corral the other day! So I’m sitting warm in the house while they are out in the cold! LOL
Had planned to cancel the butchering this weekend due to the weather turning too warm (those storms were awful yesterday but we only got rain in this part of the state) but the front passed through faster than they had predicted so temperature is PERFECT today for butchering (below freezing at night and below 45 in the day—that’s the temp of your refrigerator) so perfect.
EB did you boot Junior out again? Or were you talking about the first time you booted him or he left? I remember the first time I booted son C when he was about that age…he was complaining about how I ‘used him like a slave for my own personal gain” (those were his exact words after I told him to take the trash out) NO one lives at my house and doesn’t do their share of the household chores, starting at age 3 with picking up their toys and dirty clothes—always has been that way. Even “regular guests” (my sons’ friends) that hang here and eat here for days at a time are expected to pitch in with trash hauling and dish washing, or whatever is going on, etc. and at the time he was working, going to school and living for FREE here and so his ATTITUDE sucked.
I told him, “Look, this farm is not a PRISON, there are NO locks on the gate, it is a SANCTUARY and those that live here will not turn it into a BRAWLING complaint center. If you want to live here, you will contribute to the upkeep of the place AND you will contribute to the PEACE of the place. If you don’t like it, get the hell off here and go make your own way.”
ONe of my X-friend’s kids (bii-polar and psychopathic as well as a mooch) came here once and asked “Oxy if I work for you will you feed me, I haven’t had anything to eat in three days?” I said yea, and I fed him and HE LEFT IMMEDIATELY. The next time he came back he asked if I would feed him, and I said, “Yea, but you have to work 4 hours BEFORE I will feed you to pay me back for the last time you ate and did NOT work and left.” Then you have to work AFTER I feed you AND you have to have a pleasant attitude.” He agreed and worked, I fed him, and then that evening when I came home, he was weed eating and I said something like ‘How was your day?” and he snarled something crappy at me. I walked off said something to his dad about “well, looks like Jeff has an attitude, I’m not going to put up with it.” His dad (who was a “friend” who worked for my late husband said “Well, you two don’t get along YOU just need to stay away from him.”
I said “WHOA! Actually, HE has to get along with me, I don’t have to get along with him, if he wants to stay here even to work for food, he must be PLEASANT or leave, THIS IS MY HOME, IF HE DOESN’T LIKE IT HERE HE IS NOT OBLIGATED TO STAY.”
Actually, what I SHOULD have done when the boy growled at me was said directly TO HIM (not triangled it by saying something to his dad) “You are not keeping the bargain of being pleasant. I am not obligated to feed you for nothing, and if you want to be FED, then you must work AND be pleasant. Which is it? Decide NOW–either be 100% pleasant or LEAVE NOW.”
But that was in the days when I was more concerned about “being nice” and “not hurting anyone else’s feelings” and all that carp!
This young man had pretty well already done more than enough stuff to make me know he was a “piece of work” (lazy, lying, thief) but still I kept giving him chances over and over mostly because his parents were “friends.” (more of my husband’s than mine) Eventually, this young man was the first person told to leave this farm and NEVER SET FOOT HERE AGAIN, at the top of my voice! His parents were the last people I told to leave here “because this isn’t working” and then later told via e mail that “there is no reason for you to ever come here again—son D moved everything that belongs to you into the storage unit off the farm and you have access to it without coming here, please have the stuff out”—game them several months and they still hadn’t come gotten it. Then son D and I took what was left that we wanted and the rest is still sitting there with half the roof off the storage shed, rained on and ruined, rotted and covered with mold. Of course they had to tell all of the mutual friends how we had mistreated them, fortunately, no one believed a word they said, so they are kind of OUT of friends now, wallowing in their self pity in the financial and physical hole they dug for themselves.
Most of the time people who are not willing to accept responsibility for their own welfare, make a living, get an education to do so, pay their bills, plan their spending, etc. end up getting deeper and deeper and deeper into a hole they dig for themselves.
Although my son C works, and is an excellent employee, and has always been the first one hired and the last one laid off in a slow down, he doesn’t plan well for the future in his spending, and gets himself into financial holes that are difficult for him to dig out of without assistance. He makes emotional decisions based on what he WANTS to do rather than what is WISE (and it isn’t like he doesn’t KNOW how to manage money and delay gratification for toys—this is one of the things I have been very good in teaching my kids about from the time they were little, was money management. My egg donor was good at that and she DID teach me about managing money and I have for the most part been a good money manager my entire life, even as a kid.
Sometimes, like with my son C, you teach them, but they refuse to learn, so even with the school of hard knocks Junior may not learn, or he may kick around for a while at the bottom of the hole and finally decide to drag himself out. I dropped out of college when I was a kid, and though I had had jobs and done okay, I was divorced without job skills that would make what I considered a “good” salary, so went back to college to finish up, with a kid on each him, living in poverty, working, going to school full time, bartering with my friends for child care, and finished my degree, and still lived pretty well during that time, had all we needed and much of what we wanted. I don’t regret those days, in fact, they were happy days for me after the grief and trauma of the divorce subsided some (took about 18 months) but I look back on those years of struggle as good ones and happy ones.
I am sure in a different place this new year’s day than I was exactly one year ago today right after I had found son C lying to me. My assessment of where I am today versus where I was then is 180 degrees off. Today is a good day, an exciting day, a peaceful day—one that will be hard work here starting in just a few minutes, but one that at the end of the day, I can crawl into my bed, tired, with a feeling of accomplishment.
Happy new year to us all! I hope everyone of us can reach our goals and our dreams of peace and a reasonable prosperity and as close to P-free as we can make it. Those of you who have to co-parent with them, just realize you can’t change them, but you can change how you react to them! My prayers for us all!!!! ((((hugs))))
Today is a good day, an exciting day, a peaceful day—one that will be hard work here starting in just a few minutes, but one that at the end of the day, I can crawl into my bed, tired, with a feeling of accomplishment.
Ox, this is the object of the game!
To be present and accountable in a peaceful day.
If all my days from this forward have the account you describe, then they will be well spent! And in fact a retrival of days and nights away from the Toxics who have tormented me with fret and worry, with anxiety and distress.
I can be here NOW without fear. And it is wonderful.
Last night I went to bed to the sounds of my son’s laughter. he has not in years been so safe and so content as he was free to laugh with his friends last night. And it did me the most good to have that entertainment.
Five years ago the N was still twisting us both like wet rags. A year ago, well, we won’t go there. That was then. This is NOW.
NOW, I want my son to enjoy and bloom in a safe place where he is free to laugh. My choice not to MAKE him do anything but to encourage that he chooses to do anything. He has come from the same twisted world that I have and it seems to me lika time that takes some time to work though.
It isn’t overnight for us and we weren’t ever the Cleavers. So there is a time for working our way out of mire. With healthy relationships and even professional advice. And every day, we build by advancement hard one another step in non toxic direction. Day, by day.
And on this day, I wish you Happy New Year! And the Joy of Peace this and everyday forward from today.
It isn’t just a year, its a life. And we have walked a long road to reach the pinnacle from which we gain the view of this day haven’t we?
Silvermoon,
Your post was the first one I read on this first day of the New Year and your writing is both inspirational and beautiful. I relate to your son’s laughter with his friends. The freedom to just live and be…
Happy New Year, Silvermoon and the wonderful words of encouragement!
Happy New Year to all!
Petite it sounds like you’re seeing the light. Now what needs to happen is to implement the change!
You know, as the days go by NC (exception his contact of me yesterday), I feel better and better. I hang onto this site HEAVILY, for hours at a time if I have too, just to maintain the reality of him. If I struggle, I post and am quickly reminded why NC is so important. It’s also slowly sinking into my head about who he is and was not what I wished he was. He did what he did yesterday to get a reaction/response from me. He needed a hit of his drug and that’s all it was. Just to see….just to see if he could still manipulate and control. That’s ALL it was. but I also see how when he does contact me I am IMMEDIATELY triggered by it. It’s like being near something incredibly toxic and that it can hurt you. Just the sites, smells, etc, can set it off for me.
you’ve done a lot of work here in the last few days! I’m proud of your progress!!! GOOD JOB! But hang out and keep posting, even if you feel yourself slipping. I think it’s safe to say that that’s what we’re all here for!
Happy New Year Petite!
Happy New Year S1, One, Ms.Katy, EB, Ox, Silvermoon, Donna, and anyone else I”ve missed!
This site has absolutely, hands down, been a lifesaver for me.
I would not have survived the last week without it.
Thank you all for your words of advice, comfort and care. Marching into the New Year with renewed hope and strength!
HUGS
Hi Lesson, you said in one post, your S was painting lovely pictures of vacations with his wife and he did really take her places etc. why did he divorce her ?.
to me it seems he was having the best of both worlds, she at the home front to bully and showcase in society and you at other times when he wanted company outside the house,
thanks
petitie
Petite,
SHE divorced HIM!!! By painting lovely pictures, he was MANIPULATING her to DISBELIEVE he was anything but FAITHFUL…his MOTIVE was NOT altruistic by any means but more for CYA (cover your ass). He would take her places and do things with her,KNOWING it would hurt me and it was a double manipulative. Keep her sucked in and keep ME wanting! Nice strategy, don’t ya think?
My point is that in doing and saying what he did, to either she or me, HIS MOTIVE WAS ALWAYS SELF ABSORBED, ALL ABOUT HIM, CYA, MANIPULATIVE, PUNISHING!…in short EVIL.
Spaths LOVE triangulated situations Petite. There is no getting around that. Even if DIVORCED he would STILL triangulate by playing the victim of his ex wife, and trying to pit ME against HER.
There was NEVER any request for apology from HER, no GENUINE repentance, ONLY MORE BLAME AND EXCUSES!
Please stay away from this man, Petite, and even though it’s super hard, I’m learning, don’t overanalyze evil. I’m really having to work hard to catch myself when I’m doing this.
LL
HI Petite,
is this a typo
There was NEVER any request for apology from HER, no GENUINE repentance, ONLY MORE BLAME AND EXCUSES!
you mean apology to her – cannot understand.
did the wife finally give up and found out his deeds and divored him.
the reason I am asking is I am thinking though my S said he wanted a divorce, it is possible that the wife asked him to leave. (though I thought she would have endured as she was anyway taking all the crap from him for years)
petitie