The connection between love and politics—that was the topic of commentary in yesterday’s paper written by Gregory Rodriguez, a columnist for the Los Angeles Times. The article, Love and politics in a cynical age, got me thinking about the consistency of behavior.
Rodriguez summarized how Americans have come to view the private lives and public lives of the people we elect to represent us. He wrote:
The truth is that we don’t generally associate politics or politicians with happy marriages and deep romance, let alone fidelity. The constant revelation of scandals and peccadilloes in the halls of power have trained us to expect the worst of those—particularly the men—we elect to shepherd and protect the interests of society. Somewhere along the line, Americans have even bought into the notion that a politician’s private life, in particular his love life, has little or nothing to do with his efforts on behalf of the public good.
In other words, people seem to think that just because an elected official cheats on his spouse, it doesn’t mean we can’t trust him with our tax dollars.
Not everyone holds this view. Ross Perot, who ran for president in 1992, famously said that at his company, EDS, lying, cheating, stealing and adultery were all grounds for dismissal. If he were elected, he said, the same standard would apply. Perot said:
“If a man’s own wife cannot trust him, how can the American people?”
This, I think, is a legitimate question.
Different behavior
People often ask me if a sociopath will be “different” with a particular person. For example, can a sociopathic man who hates and harasses his ex-wife love his children? Can a sociopathic woman who takes advantage of her family be true to her new boyfriend?
The short answer is no. Exploitative people exploit anyone who has something that they want.
The long answer is that exploitative people may seem to authentically care for particular individuals, but it’s probably just part of an overall scheme of manipulation. The sociopath is just softening up the target, preparing for the right time to strike.
Here is one of the most dangerous thoughts we can ever have: “Well, yes, he (or she) treated that person badly, but he’ll never do that to me!”
Remember: The best indication of future behavior is past behavior. If you know that a person has behaved in a deceitful or exploitative way towards someone else, sooner or later, the person will behave that way towards you.
Compartmentalize
So why do we compartmentalize? Why do people seem to believe that how our elected officials conduct their private lives has nothing to do with how they conduct their public lives? Why is it that when we hear of a powerful person who has a solid marriage, we are surprised?
Maybe we’re beaten down. Maybe we’re totally disillusioned. After all, stories of deceit, betrayal and treachery have been around as long as humans have told stories. Maybe we hear of so many scandals—from cheating spouses to tax dollars wasted—that we simply expect the worst of people.
Perhaps public life has simply gotten too easy in America. It’s not like the Revolutionary War, when men risked their lives and fortunes to stand up to the British. No, politics today is all talk and no consequences. That makes it an excellent career choice for sociopaths—all they have to do is be charming, charismatic and deceitful.
Sociopaths, after all, want power, control and sex. By getting elected, they have access to everything they want.
Liu Xiaobo
That’s why it’s so refreshing to hear about people, in this day and age, fighting the good fight from a foundation of love.
In the article that I quoted in the beginning of this post, the author, Gregory Rodriguez, also wrote about Liu Xiaobo. Liu is the Chinese dissident who recently won the Nobel Peace Prize. He, of course, was viewed as a subversive criminal by the Chinese government, and was not allowed to go to Norway and accept the prize. Rodriguez explained how his absence was handled in Oslo:
Actress Liv Ullmann read aloud the statement Liu released last December as he was awaiting trial for “inciting subversion of state power.” At the top, he sermonized against hatred (“enmity can poison a nation’s spirit”), but his ending was an exquisite love letter to his wife, Liu Xia.
“I am sentenced to a visible prison,” he wrote, “while you are waiting in an invisible one. Your love is sunlight that transcends prison walls and bars, stroking every inch of my skin, warming my every cell, letting me maintain my inner calm, magnanimous and bright, so that every minute in prison is full of meaning. But my love for you is full of guilt and regret, sometimes heavy enough to hobble my steps. I am a hard stone in the wilderness, putting up with the pummeling of raging storms, and too cold for anyone to dare touch. But my love is hard, sharp, and can penetrate any obstacles. Even if I am crushed into powder, I will embrace you with the ashes.”
Rodriguez viewed Liu’s words to his wife as a sign of passion and commitment, and the bad behavior in the private lives of elected officials as the opposite. The point, Rodriguez wrote, is that love begins at home.
How people conduct their private lives is absolutely relevant to whether or not they should be elected. People who cannot be trusted by their most intimate loved ones cannot be trusted by anyone. And people who feel genuine love and compassion for their families can extend their love and compassion for the greater good.
sorry I meant – Hi Lesson,
is this a typo
There was NEVER any request for apology from HER, no GENUINE repentance, ONLY MORE BLAME AND EXCUSES!
you mean apology to her ”“ cannot understand.
did the wife finally give up and found out his deeds and divored him.
the reason I am asking is I am thinking though my S said he wanted a divorce, it is possible that the wife asked him to leave. (though I thought she would have endured as she was anyway taking all the crap from him for years)
petitie
Petite,
Oops. Glad you caught that. Yes a typo. I’m sorry I’m awfully tired from thinking today and having stayed up WAAAY too late last night lol!
**sigh**…Ok, Petite, here’s how it went down.
His wife was found to be having an affair toward the end of their marriage. He confronted her to which she admitted that she was and that she wanted a divorce. He tried to manipulate her to stay “to work the marriage” and then got all pissy because she was having an affair, so he wrote a letter to HER boyfriend saying how pissed he was LOL! Now, what is SUPER funny about that is that HE WAS STILL IN HIS AFFAIR WITH ME AT THE TIME AND SHE DIDN”T KNOW THIS!!! Sooooo, with the audacity that he had pontificating on how immoral she was and how she had “hurt” him (keep in mind he was still with me), I got reeeeally angry at him. I couldn’t believe he was saying all the rotten shiat he was about her and yet she didn’t know about me…again…..soooooo…. I took it upon myself to notify her. Foiled again!! She got up, walked out, and that was it. She wanted a divorce and she wanted it as soon as possible. What I had come to understand was that he was manipulating her to stay, playing on HER GUILT to keep her in the marriage so Mr. Wonderful didn’t lose his shirt or his “reputation” (already shot to hell). She was sooooooooooooooooo done! I think I gave her what she needed to get out and remove ALL doubt and ALL guilt about her indiscretion and quite frankly, given all the absolute HELL he put her through who could blame her for HAVING a boyfriend??
That pissed him off AT ME. He has blamed me for his divorce, even blamed me for his ass landing in the hospital a few years ago due to pancreatitis (huge alcoholic), he even changed that story and said I put him there with all the stress I caused in his life. LOL! sounds ridiculous now, but at the time I took that very personally and it wounded me.
Petite, I think anything is possible in your situation. But I think it doesn’t remove the bottom line either. The guy is a BAD MAN. He lies and he cheats. He blames and is UNrepentant. Whatever he says about his wife is who HE is and what HE has done TO her or PROVOKED out of her. It doesn’t make him more of a “suffering soul” if he asked for the divorce. You may wish to believe that, but that’s NOT how it is. I sure HOPE you don’t believe that, in fact I hope you don’t believe ANYTHING he’s saying about her or their marriage. Any man the demonizes his wife, ex or not is NOT good relationship material 🙂
LL
Hi Lesson,
I have come to learn from you and the other posters here, that anything that comes out of his mouth is to be discounted, shoud go in from my one ear and come out from the other. at least this has gone thru my thick skull very well.
thanks for replying to me, even though you are so tired.
when your S started showing interest in you, at what stage did you tell him that he should tell his wife and that he should not be unfaithful to her. and since he did not tell her until the end when you got mad and told the wife, what crap did he feed you for not telling his wife about you.
will not keep you up very late tonight.
thanks
petitie
Lesson,
oooohhhh that’s a great story. what a freaking hypocritical piece of sh*t. Oh and BTW, calling him a piece of sh*t is an insult to the sh*t that I flushed this morning
Skylar…
It is the ULTIMATE story of the hypocritical PIECE OF SHIT he was and IS!!! Sooooooooooo many stories like that in my arsenal, chica.
Absolute no good, rotten stinky piece of SHIT!
I can’t believe I allowed a five foot one buddha man with a cute smile FUCK ME OVER LIKE HE DID OR HIS WIFE EITHER!!
Lesson,
you got him in the end. He never thought you’d talk to his wife.
They always overestimate their abilities. They live in a fantasy land. My exP was floored when I left him and he had spent 18 years carefully creating the web that would tie me to him until my suicide.
Hahahaha!
What a farking idiot, I’m so glad we are freeeeeeeee, thank you Jesus, free at last.
Petite,
Well sweetheart, the stories only get MORE outrageous and ridiculous the more I think back on them. It’s funny how you ask me these questions and I remember SOOOOOO many things that happened that add up and up and up for me….
So to answer your question:
First of all, Dearie, I didn’t TELL him that he should be unfaithful to his wife. Why? Welp, I was SO SUCKED IN (remember we were sharing horror stories of our marriages at the time and were “friends”), that I didn’t feel the NEED to say anything because HE was always ready with one foot out the door of the marriage (WHATEVER!). About a year and a half into the relationship, he had a conversation TO me about how he was voted onto the church board….and he was heavily involved with me. THAT was the first time I was truly bothered and suspected that a little something might NOT be right (DUH!)! GIves you an idea as to how sucked in I really was…..anyway, I just stared at him. It shocked me because he thought NOTHING of it. HIS focus was that HE WAS VOTED OF THE MAJORITY OF CANDIDATES TO SIT ON THE BOARD AT THE CHURCH!! It took me YEARS to figure out WHY it shocked me, I just remember feeling appalled by it. If that makes sense. I told him that it wasn’t right for him to be in a position of authority over others when he was secretly in an affair relationship with ME. He didn’t seem to mind. He would come see me right AFTER his board meetings at the church. Piece of SHIT! And I overlooked it. He eventually took himself off the board (I think he was actually kicked off the board, found out that he and the Pastor had ‘issues”), but….so many memories coming up now…damn me…
After that I would give him occasional open doors, if he was not outright breaking up with me so he could go “work his marriage”. What he was doing was calculatingly manipulating me. He created a situation in which I wanted him so bad, that I would literally beg him back to me. That is SO very sad now that I think about it…he had my mind in such a grasp that I TRULY BELIEVED that his wife was getting something that I was not getting. That he was giving her what he was not giving me…at this point in time, I had no clue that what she was getting was probably WORSE than me. It really hurts when I think about how he used that desire in me and love for him to hurt me that way and to hurt her too. When he went to “work his marriage” it meant I had done something to piss him off. I was desperate and remember SOOOO many times confined to my bed in a heap of depression for days at a time to where I could not function.
He also played his kids as a card too. He let me get to know them because he was “considering” being with me and wanted to know how I’d interact with the children. I fell in love with both of them. He knew I loved them. And guess what? They loved me too. so when they started asking Spath when Lesson was gonna come back and visit, the visits abruptly stopped.
That was devastating to me at the time. He knew I loved children, that Iloved him, that I was buying into this bullshit stories …..
So many things he did that nearly destroyed me.
This is what you have coming Petite. It’s never going to have a good outcome, a man like this. The lies, deceit, cheating…
If you were to become involved with his children, and they were used against you or using you to get to their mother, and/or then turned around and dumped you, that would be equally as devastating.
Another story to tell you. Piece of shit told his wife about us five years into the relationship. I threatened to tell her, I was so pissed off that he kept blowing me off while promising he’d be with me and that his marriage was so shitty. So he just went home one night and told her. Then he called me on the phone right after telling her and said “What the FUCK do I do here?” she was in the background on the floor in fetal position, wailing…tell me, Petite, does that sound like a woman who was NOT having sex with her man or trying HER damndest to make it work? Anyway, so I said, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME? What do you MEAN you have no idea what to DO/SAY?” It was so unbelievable…outrageously unbelievable. Then he started to blame me, “You’re an unbelievable BITCH! I can’t believe YOU did this! Don’t come near me or my family again!”..WTF???
Six months later it was back on. same story different year. Well I tried but she just isn’t going to make this work, no sex, blah blah blah…..I remember when he came back he asked me point blank, sort of covering it in a joking manner (he was NOT joking either), “Sooo what if we continue to have sex but every once in awhile i have to have sex with her out of obligation” Something to that effect. PIECE OF SHIT….and by that time Petite, I was so lost. If he said his ass was on fire I would have tried to put it out with my tongue at that point. It was VERY VERY sick and I had BECOME very very sick too. those things were NORMAL for me to hear or to experience with him. So odd was it all that it wasn’t abnormal anymore. If that makes sense…
This situation for you is a no win situation all around and extremely painful. You’re very blessed that you have the opportunity to avoid it.
LL
Sky,
I know RIGHT? And that is sooooooooooooooo true!! He’s actually really so arrogant, entitled, he falls into stupid often. I’ve had the advantage of “backspathing” twice. Was happy to do it too.
Asshole.
High Five Lesson!
We were only TEMPORARILY insane, they are completely looney tune with no sense of reality, except what they imagine it to be.
That is so good of you to talk with Petite and try to save her from the hell of spaths.
Petite,
It may seem like, you could never end up there because you would see how ridiculous his behavior is. But they don’t start out that way. They seem so great at first. Then they do little tests to see how attached you are to them, and they take you one tiny step at a time down that slippery slope, they do it so slowly that you don’t even notice it.
How do you boil a frog?
You do it slowly. As the frog becomes accustomed to the temperature, it doesn’t notice that it’s being boiled to death and never jumps out. That’s how they do us. Suddenly you look around and you realize that you aren’t living in reality and you haven’t been for a long time, but you can’t say when it actually happened. You’ve gone insane and never noticed.
Hi Lesson,
what an entangled mess. my jerk also told me the obligation crap, saying that even though he was planning divorce, he was sleeping with her and was doing it out of obligation. This is very early on when we met and I put my foot right down and said if that was the case I would not be with him. then after 2 months he said he had decided that he would not be sleeping with her and I got very irritated. so I told him, this is difficult for me, and i would only consider being close to him if he moved out and started divorce paper work and so the jerk did move out 2 months ago, as he had sort of planned in his mind. though before that he did try the obligation crap with me, but I was so irritated, he knew it would not work. (I must say I was in a crazy mental state too, thinking that this crap could be the way of life, however, something in me told me, I would not accept it), so I said in Jan when we met, if he was not out of the house, we could not be close.
now Jan is here and I have learnt so much more about the crap, so I have to back out by telling him I am scared to be with him.
LL is this laso a typo –
I didn’t TELL him that he should be unfaithful to his wife. Why? Welp, I was SO SUCKED IN,
you meant I didn’t tell him that he should not be unfaithful to his wife.
Correct ?
I understandwhy you may have thought that way as my jerk, even said the same crap to me, that the marriage was so bad, that he was one foot out of the door etc. and so I did not think of it as being that unfaithful(though I agree now that was brainwashed and I was wrong)
but when he came up with the obligation crap, I told him he needed to move out.
petitie