The connection between love and politics—that was the topic of commentary in yesterday’s paper written by Gregory Rodriguez, a columnist for the Los Angeles Times. The article, Love and politics in a cynical age, got me thinking about the consistency of behavior.
Rodriguez summarized how Americans have come to view the private lives and public lives of the people we elect to represent us. He wrote:
The truth is that we don’t generally associate politics or politicians with happy marriages and deep romance, let alone fidelity. The constant revelation of scandals and peccadilloes in the halls of power have trained us to expect the worst of those—particularly the men—we elect to shepherd and protect the interests of society. Somewhere along the line, Americans have even bought into the notion that a politician’s private life, in particular his love life, has little or nothing to do with his efforts on behalf of the public good.
In other words, people seem to think that just because an elected official cheats on his spouse, it doesn’t mean we can’t trust him with our tax dollars.
Not everyone holds this view. Ross Perot, who ran for president in 1992, famously said that at his company, EDS, lying, cheating, stealing and adultery were all grounds for dismissal. If he were elected, he said, the same standard would apply. Perot said:
“If a man’s own wife cannot trust him, how can the American people?”
This, I think, is a legitimate question.
Different behavior
People often ask me if a sociopath will be “different” with a particular person. For example, can a sociopathic man who hates and harasses his ex-wife love his children? Can a sociopathic woman who takes advantage of her family be true to her new boyfriend?
The short answer is no. Exploitative people exploit anyone who has something that they want.
The long answer is that exploitative people may seem to authentically care for particular individuals, but it’s probably just part of an overall scheme of manipulation. The sociopath is just softening up the target, preparing for the right time to strike.
Here is one of the most dangerous thoughts we can ever have: “Well, yes, he (or she) treated that person badly, but he’ll never do that to me!”
Remember: The best indication of future behavior is past behavior. If you know that a person has behaved in a deceitful or exploitative way towards someone else, sooner or later, the person will behave that way towards you.
Compartmentalize
So why do we compartmentalize? Why do people seem to believe that how our elected officials conduct their private lives has nothing to do with how they conduct their public lives? Why is it that when we hear of a powerful person who has a solid marriage, we are surprised?
Maybe we’re beaten down. Maybe we’re totally disillusioned. After all, stories of deceit, betrayal and treachery have been around as long as humans have told stories. Maybe we hear of so many scandals—from cheating spouses to tax dollars wasted—that we simply expect the worst of people.
Perhaps public life has simply gotten too easy in America. It’s not like the Revolutionary War, when men risked their lives and fortunes to stand up to the British. No, politics today is all talk and no consequences. That makes it an excellent career choice for sociopaths—all they have to do is be charming, charismatic and deceitful.
Sociopaths, after all, want power, control and sex. By getting elected, they have access to everything they want.
Liu Xiaobo
That’s why it’s so refreshing to hear about people, in this day and age, fighting the good fight from a foundation of love.
In the article that I quoted in the beginning of this post, the author, Gregory Rodriguez, also wrote about Liu Xiaobo. Liu is the Chinese dissident who recently won the Nobel Peace Prize. He, of course, was viewed as a subversive criminal by the Chinese government, and was not allowed to go to Norway and accept the prize. Rodriguez explained how his absence was handled in Oslo:
Actress Liv Ullmann read aloud the statement Liu released last December as he was awaiting trial for “inciting subversion of state power.” At the top, he sermonized against hatred (“enmity can poison a nation’s spirit”), but his ending was an exquisite love letter to his wife, Liu Xia.
“I am sentenced to a visible prison,” he wrote, “while you are waiting in an invisible one. Your love is sunlight that transcends prison walls and bars, stroking every inch of my skin, warming my every cell, letting me maintain my inner calm, magnanimous and bright, so that every minute in prison is full of meaning. But my love for you is full of guilt and regret, sometimes heavy enough to hobble my steps. I am a hard stone in the wilderness, putting up with the pummeling of raging storms, and too cold for anyone to dare touch. But my love is hard, sharp, and can penetrate any obstacles. Even if I am crushed into powder, I will embrace you with the ashes.”
Rodriguez viewed Liu’s words to his wife as a sign of passion and commitment, and the bad behavior in the private lives of elected officials as the opposite. The point, Rodriguez wrote, is that love begins at home.
How people conduct their private lives is absolutely relevant to whether or not they should be elected. People who cannot be trusted by their most intimate loved ones cannot be trusted by anyone. And people who feel genuine love and compassion for their families can extend their love and compassion for the greater good.
Even though I am sounding like I know what I am talking about, the thought crossed my mind today that “Can I actually do any better?” I haven’t thought that for a long time. I have gained some weight for instance. Before breaking up with spath since we had been trying to maintain just a friendship this time I was actually enjoying the idea of really being good to myself. He was going to come over next week and bring in his words “a small gift”. Last year was the year of the Love Bomb gifts, or you could call it loan sharking. After that I paid for everything including having him on my phone plan.
Although he kept hanging up on me when I wanted to “talk”, he finally said, “you are not going to defriend me from facebook again are you.? I told him I already had. That is when he called me the bitch from hell. Why? I think it was because he wanted to enjoy his drinking weekend when he didn’t have to go to work, but still keep me where he could see me after that.
I also have rejection issues. I hate to be hung up on. My ex H used to do that all the time. In fact he went no contact with me other than mailing the alimony check from his current address, I don’t know his phone number or anything. His father died recently and he didn’t even tell me. This was a man I was married to for 25 years.
By the way….what does D and D mean? I think part of it means disguard? Fill me in please.
TTS
TsF – third day, well done to you. And yes you can do better, much better. Keep checking in here – It’s therapy as and when we need it. For instance if I wake early, or can’t get to sleep I come on here and read. Good luck.
Really great points brought up! I’ve just been watching this documentary on the Clintons on youtube… In fact i think everyone here would do good to take a gander because i think it is inordinately important to have this material lit to your consciousness/awareness.. there are 12 parts altogether but the first two in themselves are very shocking to me. It really blows my mind that someone in such a Prominent place, such as Presidency could just slip through with his actions gone unnoticed, his history unacknowledged.. really just shocking i tell you. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a0-HkVcMOSw The documentary i’ve been watching is called Bill & Hilary : Their Secret Life and is all based on factual information… it’s no “point of view” film, its just real facts about the history.. one particular line really stood out to me.
Just one tidbit :
“From clinton’s first years as attorney general, Little Rock had been awash in gossip about his blatant womanizing. After he was elected President, Arkansas trooper, bodyguards and others would testify to his extramarital relations with literally HUNDREDS of women. State trooper L.D. Brown stated, that on state time and using state guards, he drove the Governor to over one hundred extra marital affairs and guarded him during those encounters. Brown was Clinton’s favorite trooper, and he received dozens of books from the Governor, many of which he still retains. In one law book, there is a sentence to the effect of “Adultery is Not a Crime” and is underlined twice in red.”
Now excuse me but I’m going to go out on a limb and be blunt here. Hundreds of extramarital affairs… that ain’t a mistake- that is PATHOLOGY. There’s a whole bunch of other stuff, and the extramarital affairs, in my opinion are just the tip of the iceberg. What shocked me even more was this :
“The repeated testimony of state troopers would show that Clinton rated women as objects. “Ripe Peaches” as he called them, purely to be grated, chased, dominated and conquered. The Governor had been predatory even towards one of the trooper’s wives, and toward anothers mother in law.”
Sound familiar, anyone?
Blogger,
I really appreciate your post. And I agree with that fully,but you were able to post that objectively, where I’m still angry. I hope that sometime in the near future, my heart won’t be aching so much that I don’t come off with all the anger. I can’t defend my behavior with Spath. I was victimized by him, for sure, but I’m also responsible for my involvement with him too and the pain it caused. That is still weighing heavy on my heart. Thank you for your post and yours too Skylar. I’m learning a lot and venting a lot too.
TT good for you!!! I’m recently NC too. COMPLETELY. It’s been tough. Hang in there!
I think people here aren’t actually getting what was happening with the crazy husband stealer. ExP was not using the pity ploy on her. He and she were literally sitting around plotting and laughing about how I would commit suicide. He told her that he could get me to do it. There was no love involved, though I assume there was sex since they are both sex addicts.
I am also pretty good looking for my age, people think I’m 15 years younger than I am. He actually used THAT AGAINST ME. I watched him do it once. He would talk to other women about my great figure in order to make them jealous and make them hate me. He used their insecurities to make them envy me. Then he used that envy to create hate and make them want to see me suffer or die. He didn’t pick good people for these roles, he picked evil people. Crazy husband stealer is an ugly toad looking woman. He was not trying to replace me with her, he simply wanted her to pretend to be my friend and then betray me. He had the other neighbor doing the same thing.
True to Self, D & D means devalue and discard.
Blogger, another well thought out and well worded post. Good Points! I have GOT to go to town but will be back and comment on your post in full.
Let me just say here that I AGREE 100% with what you said, but it IS TRUE that IN GENERAL (on average, most of the time) “the BEST indicator of future behavior is past behavior.”
People RESIST change for the most part, and that includes YOU and ME.
I think even though the people here on this blog ARE Working toward CHANGE, even though that is what we want, and what we are working on, we still RESIST those changes, because CHANGE is SCARY stuff.
Set boundaries= risk losing a relationship=scary change.
Scary change=anxiety about how we will cope and meet our needs=insecurity
The devil you know is less scary than the devil you don’t know.
Off to town, back later. (Ps. Blogger, I take the blame 100%!) hee hee
Continuing from my previous post. Not convinced? Watch this video, as Bill Clinton fakes crying at Ron Brown’s funeral, at the drop of a hat. Notice what triggers him to- when he is aware that a camera is pointed at him. He is seen in one moment laughing and joking around with his bodyguard/associate or whatever… then boom, he sees the camera, and suddenly he’s ~SAD~ pretends to tear up and wipe his face cause “thats what youre supposed to do at a funeral” ( since only “what emotions SHOULD be felt” can be gauged by those who dont FEEL )
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lf8TOGrq8Bo
Skylar,
You affirm so much for me. My husband did much the same as yours.
I couldn’t figure out why people hated me so much. It’s the great secret how in a small town, everyone knows everyone’s business but no one tells the scapegoat what’s being said. HATED me, were vicious to me, but NEVER said why. If I asked, they’d stare, say nothing or say “you know what you did”.
One time, a townsperson saw me and said “Wow, you look really great today!” My husbands response to me was to get FURIOUS. I didn’t know why that was his auto response but I do remember telling him that she just said b/c she must have been in a really good mood. But HIS wasn’t, not for the rest of the day which I spent trying to make up to him for her remark.
I learned a lot AFTER he discarded me. I learned HOW he’d share great stories with others, joshing and joking and then insert just a little “you might wanna think about…” caring remarks – looking like he was watching out for them with insider knowledge about me. It worked even better b/c in this small town, his parents were known for how hateful they were towards each other. His mom was a real bitch and people believed my husband married someone like his mom and that LIKE HIS FATHER, he was protecting them against me.
Only I wasn’t like his mom and the life with my husband drove me to depths of self destruction including a stroke, illness, and that stupid act that proved I was crazy (a non fatal car accident)
My husband was a MASTER at Gossip. He loved to tell someone a secret and then stand back and watch the drama. Didn’t want to be IN the drama, just wanted to enjoy it, laughing laughing laughing.
DancingNancies:
Bill Clinton’s video of Ron Brown’s funeral was classic. My husband – unbelievably but true – would go to funerals for the SOCIAL aspect, for the food, meeting up with people, again enjoying the drama, but at appropriate times keeping his head down in reverance while looking sideways to know when he could socialize again.
Gossip can kill. Funny how it is one of the commandments. That shows that the evil of it was recognized all that way back then. AND Envy, one of the deadly sins? My husband carried on with BOTH in mega overdoses…
Katy,
when we are the OW, we think that all OW are duped like we are. NOT TRUE, being preyed upon is not the same thing as being duped.
If he ran into a person who is a pedophile, he would prey upon those tendencies by luring the ped to do more evil.
That is how he preyed upon my neighbor. He simply encouraged her to be what she really liked to be, he provided the avenue and the victim (me).
It is nothing like Lesson Learned’s experience of being preyed upon because she was trusting. There are many p’s out there that don’t have the courage to do as much evil as they would like. He provides that for them and assures them that they will succeed.
That’s a thought that crossed my mind several times, skylar.
I agree the biggest danger with psychopaths is that they corrupt, they pervert. Mine wanted “to be accepted with his weakness”. They kind of search for victims-accomplices. But when one realizes what’s the play about one must abandon the play or becoming an active accomplice.