The connection between love and politics—that was the topic of commentary in yesterday’s paper written by Gregory Rodriguez, a columnist for the Los Angeles Times. The article, Love and politics in a cynical age, got me thinking about the consistency of behavior.
Rodriguez summarized how Americans have come to view the private lives and public lives of the people we elect to represent us. He wrote:
The truth is that we don’t generally associate politics or politicians with happy marriages and deep romance, let alone fidelity. The constant revelation of scandals and peccadilloes in the halls of power have trained us to expect the worst of those—particularly the men—we elect to shepherd and protect the interests of society. Somewhere along the line, Americans have even bought into the notion that a politician’s private life, in particular his love life, has little or nothing to do with his efforts on behalf of the public good.
In other words, people seem to think that just because an elected official cheats on his spouse, it doesn’t mean we can’t trust him with our tax dollars.
Not everyone holds this view. Ross Perot, who ran for president in 1992, famously said that at his company, EDS, lying, cheating, stealing and adultery were all grounds for dismissal. If he were elected, he said, the same standard would apply. Perot said:
“If a man’s own wife cannot trust him, how can the American people?”
This, I think, is a legitimate question.
Different behavior
People often ask me if a sociopath will be “different” with a particular person. For example, can a sociopathic man who hates and harasses his ex-wife love his children? Can a sociopathic woman who takes advantage of her family be true to her new boyfriend?
The short answer is no. Exploitative people exploit anyone who has something that they want.
The long answer is that exploitative people may seem to authentically care for particular individuals, but it’s probably just part of an overall scheme of manipulation. The sociopath is just softening up the target, preparing for the right time to strike.
Here is one of the most dangerous thoughts we can ever have: “Well, yes, he (or she) treated that person badly, but he’ll never do that to me!”
Remember: The best indication of future behavior is past behavior. If you know that a person has behaved in a deceitful or exploitative way towards someone else, sooner or later, the person will behave that way towards you.
Compartmentalize
So why do we compartmentalize? Why do people seem to believe that how our elected officials conduct their private lives has nothing to do with how they conduct their public lives? Why is it that when we hear of a powerful person who has a solid marriage, we are surprised?
Maybe we’re beaten down. Maybe we’re totally disillusioned. After all, stories of deceit, betrayal and treachery have been around as long as humans have told stories. Maybe we hear of so many scandals—from cheating spouses to tax dollars wasted—that we simply expect the worst of people.
Perhaps public life has simply gotten too easy in America. It’s not like the Revolutionary War, when men risked their lives and fortunes to stand up to the British. No, politics today is all talk and no consequences. That makes it an excellent career choice for sociopaths—all they have to do is be charming, charismatic and deceitful.
Sociopaths, after all, want power, control and sex. By getting elected, they have access to everything they want.
Liu Xiaobo
That’s why it’s so refreshing to hear about people, in this day and age, fighting the good fight from a foundation of love.
In the article that I quoted in the beginning of this post, the author, Gregory Rodriguez, also wrote about Liu Xiaobo. Liu is the Chinese dissident who recently won the Nobel Peace Prize. He, of course, was viewed as a subversive criminal by the Chinese government, and was not allowed to go to Norway and accept the prize. Rodriguez explained how his absence was handled in Oslo:
Actress Liv Ullmann read aloud the statement Liu released last December as he was awaiting trial for “inciting subversion of state power.” At the top, he sermonized against hatred (“enmity can poison a nation’s spirit”), but his ending was an exquisite love letter to his wife, Liu Xia.
“I am sentenced to a visible prison,” he wrote, “while you are waiting in an invisible one. Your love is sunlight that transcends prison walls and bars, stroking every inch of my skin, warming my every cell, letting me maintain my inner calm, magnanimous and bright, so that every minute in prison is full of meaning. But my love for you is full of guilt and regret, sometimes heavy enough to hobble my steps. I am a hard stone in the wilderness, putting up with the pummeling of raging storms, and too cold for anyone to dare touch. But my love is hard, sharp, and can penetrate any obstacles. Even if I am crushed into powder, I will embrace you with the ashes.”
Rodriguez viewed Liu’s words to his wife as a sign of passion and commitment, and the bad behavior in the private lives of elected officials as the opposite. The point, Rodriguez wrote, is that love begins at home.
How people conduct their private lives is absolutely relevant to whether or not they should be elected. People who cannot be trusted by their most intimate loved ones cannot be trusted by anyone. And people who feel genuine love and compassion for their families can extend their love and compassion for the greater good.
LL,
NORMAL brains process drama in a limited way. Think about it. If a cat/dog runs in front of your car, your heart leaps, you are in fright/flight mode. And it takes more time to calm down than it did to react to the drama and that’s NORMAL when events are understandable! When there is no logic, when it’s the whim of your spaths dysfunction, when you have illogical drama after nonsense drama after deceitful drama, when does your brain get the time to calm down?
When I lived with my husband, my brain was so scrambled from multiple and continuous trauma that I LOST MYSELF. I Lost who I was, what I stood for, where my boundries were, what was logical, etc etc. It took a couple of years to regain my self of self, but I saw progress when I started remembering things I enjoyed and had forgotten I used to do.
So, for now, feeling lost is NORMAL. It’s a process and your brain needs the time to calm down, as you accept that the reason things didn’t make sense was b/c they were NONSENSE.
I made a list of things for my self care. Obviously your list will not be the same. These are things that sooth and heal my soul.
I am introverted. Too many people around drains my energy. So my list looks very inward. But my balance is that when I am calm, I enjoy the company of others. I think I am a little ocd, high strung, so I have to interrupt my brain circuitry. Thus my list serves a purpose, not just to busy myself.
I NEED nature. Woodland nature. Walks in the woods. I am very musical. Music changes my mood. For examples: If I am in a brain loop, I will play Gregorian chants and solve suduko puzzles. When jumpy and over anxious, I play and dance to music, ABBA or Bob Segar. When I feel cut off and alone, it’s Celtic music to connect with my roots. Bach/Beethoven or classical when it’s rainy. The Eagles for the lyrics (singing LOUD and PROUD). I take baths when I need touch, complete with candles, special soaps for ONLY those times, the best soft sponge, and champagne. Then the robe that my daughter gave me and a nap after. I like movies, preferable British mysteries or comedies. Redbox or the library. (I am poor.) Movies that inspire or have a happy ending. NO unhappy dramas. I don’t need to trigger sadness. I seek joy. Books, the same. I read to explore, to armchair travel, to imagine. I send inspirational notes, cards to myself in the mail. They arrive a couple of days later and I am many times surprised at how wise I sound, this person who is such a basketcase” And I buy flowers, happy flowers.
Whatever need I have, for connection or appreciation or companionship or respect etc. etc., my self-care list incorporates as many senses into each as possible. The more senses that are engages, the more fulfilling.
One big self-care thing I did? I stopped apologizing for existing. I apologize for mistakes or accidents. If I step on your toe, I apologize for stepping on you, but not for being clumsy. I am accountable for what I do and nothing more.
Start with reminding yourself that you are IN PROCESS of HEALING. Going NC is the first step b/c it stops the drama bombs. Identify your needs and identify what YOU can do to satisfy them. Remember, 2011 is OUR YEAR! Peace and contentment are your reward.
Katy,
This is a rather embarrassing thing to admit, but it’s a MAJOR part of my struggle, source of my intensive pain and FEAR that if he were to contact (which he won’t b/c he’s got a new source now), but still a fear nonetheless, I would be EASILY sucked back in.
I was researching about Trauma Bonds, something brought up here many times over as others struggle with it too.
When I think of him now, I think of him in the SEXUAL act with this new person, as well as his love bombing. ExSpath had an incredibly beautiful baritone voice. I was VERY sexually attracted to him. VERY. He knew that too. And he used it. Exploited it. Because of the meaning of sex for me (connection, bonding), I was distraught when I found out he was now having sex with this new person, understanding that that meant nothing with me. On an intellectual level, I understand that he is Spath for sure, but on a sexual/emotional level, this is VERY difficult to comprehend for me in that these people can just go onto new partners not forming ANY connection at all. Sex is way more than just an act for me and is symbolic of an intimate connection. I believe I am trauma bonded emotionally/sexually to him. I LITERALLY did everything he wanted me to do to him. EVERYTHING. I LEARNED that it was all about him, but at the time I didn’t mind because I enjoyed pleasing him. I LITERALLY bent myself into a pretzel to be with him, to do what he asked or even what he didn’t. One thing that came out of that experience is that I hadn’t doubted my sexuality with him until the end, when the other elements of the relationship,with the abuse, etc, made me NOT want to do anything much TO him, in other words, I became inhibited. Boring. I sensed his lack of connection and he kept asking me the same thing to do over and over and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. It was the last hold out. I am forever grateful that I didn’t do what he asked me to do. FOREVER grateful! Because of what it meant to me, but realizing slowly what it did NOT to him, it would have been totally devastating to have gone through with what he wanted, only to be turned around and dumped,even though I had been slowly extricating anyway.
I don’t know how to get beyond that part of the trauma, what to tell myself about it to break free of it. I know the first few months are really going to be so hard. When those thoughts intrude in my mind of him with someone else, I instantly become depressed and despondent. I learned to put all my eggs in the relationship in the sexual basket in order to KEEP him, even though I didn’t really want him anymore, but was still extremely sexually attracted to him. That may or may not make sense, but the betrayal of having given so much of myself away that way to him, having him tell me I was the best he ever had and that before me he never had anything to compare me (WTF?? 2 ex wives and nothing to compare too?) really messed with my mind.
There were small decisions I made to pull myself out of that relationship, others big stuff. But on the sexual end of trying to break free of the trauma bond, I stopped giving him what he wanted. It was only halfhearted on my part anymore.
It hurts to think that someone else is getting that sexual connection with him now. Thoughts run through my head, oh maybe she’s better, gives more, blah blah blah, but I couldn’t have given more to him unless I was willing to construct a pole dance in his bedroom and well, that wasn’t gonna happen…and the one thing he wanted that I just couldn’t do.
I’m very frustrated with this feeling of being stuck in this way. This thought is so intrusive and painful and it IS the element of my trauma bond to him. I got rid of the alcohol. Now this and I’m going to be doing a lot better a lot faster…I don’t understand competely, I think the sociopaths desire for sex and lots of it, whether it’s with one new partner and/or several. Mine seemed to like two while he was married. I no longer believe any garbage that he and his wife did not have sex. Maybe towards the end of the marriage when she was having her own affair and they slept separately for years, but ….he ACTED prior to us engaging in our affair that he was so “faithful” to her. Talked of her non stop. All in glowing terms before the conversations turned sour on her…
Still that bond remains. And I want to work VERY HARD at breaking that bond. Any suggestions?
To process dysfunctional bonding, I Shine the light of truth on it. Truth can be BRUTAL, esp with Spaths BUT truth SET ME FREE.
It was hard for me to face that NONE of the events I thought I was sharing or memories I was making with my husband mattered to him. What mattered to him was that he was being entertained, not WHO I was. So once he got used to my routine of entertainment, he needed a new supply, new source of entertainment. He did NOT BOND with me. All was shallow, immediate, momentary for him. Sexually, I only mattered as ONE of his masterbation tools.
I’m betting for you sex was more than about pleasure. What do you think it was for him?
Really, anything he did to give you pleasure, you can do for yourself. So beyond pleasure, what did you get from it? It filled a need, what were those needs? A feeling of being special? Superior? Accepted? Desired?
Figure out the need/desire he filled and then how to satisfy that for yourself.
Is there no way for you to move? You NEED to stop the trauma. Until you meet the NEED of security, you are going to always reopen that scab on your trauma wound.
Katy,
Interesting.
I haven’t contacted, and I’m not going too either. I COULD move, but for reasons of stability for my two sons who are still at home and have had the same friends and schools for years, I’m not likely to make that decision for them to move. I don’t think they should suffer a lack of stability and insecurity because of my choices.
It is very frustrating that he’s around. I DO keep myself at home the majority of the time, and get out to do shopping or go to the school when I know he’s not out during his lunch breaks, which is closer to my home than where his home is located.
I’ll be giving thought to what you’ve said here. Writing some stuff down. How to fill my own needs…I do like sex, but that was NOT the only need I had with him about it…of being special, desired…yea…..I also have a hang up now because I’m getting older. I’m not unattractive, but I’m also NOT ready to bound out there for a relationship either. I’ll just keep getting older…..but I won’t be doing it in a poor relationship.
Dear Katy, LL, Sky, Pet and One
Thanks you for your post early early this am. I’m doing better now. I cried it out and push through it all.
Even if he is not a S I know something isn’t right and so it’s back to NC day 4.
Your post are coming in loud and clear—-I hear you and I believe you. Thanks again
Seeing!!
GOOD JOB!!! I KNOW how hard it is Chica!! I REALLY DO!!
Hang in there, keep posting and I think it’s safe to say that with NC, we will be your BIGGEST cheerleaders!!!
GOOD FOR YOU!!!
Hey Everyone!
I would like very much, if you all could take the time to post what helped you personally through your NC, to make it through the early days.
Iwould greatly appreciate your input as I would like to write a list for myself and get some ideas. I feel a little lost on this since I’m in the much of the early stages right now and can’t afford the books just yet to keep bedside.
Thanks a bunch!
What helped me is that He go hauled off to jail and I could block his calls. Sure yours doesn’t have any warrants out?
Silver,
LOL! I WISH! Unfortunately, mine is high functioning. Has held the same government job for twenty five years now, but was put on AL last year, because someone outted our relationship as I was a “client”. Unfortunately, after the hearing, his moral “mistake” was not enough to be fired for, but they’re onto him anyway. They watch him very closely and everyone there hates this man. He lied to his superiors for years about this relationship. But he keeps his high paying job anyway. POS.
He doesn’t have my number. I got a new one. He’s blocked on all my email stuff.
Lesson,
As far as they are concerned, we might as well be a “movable doll” there is no emotional connection during sex. During sex a normal person releases hormones that act really as “bonding” chemicals, but the psychopath doesn’t react to these hormones the way a normal person does. REALLY! So for you, the sex wasn’t just physical it was spiritual and emotional and bonding, for him, it was just an ANIMAL ENCOUNTER. They actually are neither straight or gay, they will just have sex with anything or anyone that will stand still long enough. THERE IS NO BONDING for them.