The connection between love and politics—that was the topic of commentary in yesterday’s paper written by Gregory Rodriguez, a columnist for the Los Angeles Times. The article, Love and politics in a cynical age, got me thinking about the consistency of behavior.
Rodriguez summarized how Americans have come to view the private lives and public lives of the people we elect to represent us. He wrote:
The truth is that we don’t generally associate politics or politicians with happy marriages and deep romance, let alone fidelity. The constant revelation of scandals and peccadilloes in the halls of power have trained us to expect the worst of those—particularly the men—we elect to shepherd and protect the interests of society. Somewhere along the line, Americans have even bought into the notion that a politician’s private life, in particular his love life, has little or nothing to do with his efforts on behalf of the public good.
In other words, people seem to think that just because an elected official cheats on his spouse, it doesn’t mean we can’t trust him with our tax dollars.
Not everyone holds this view. Ross Perot, who ran for president in 1992, famously said that at his company, EDS, lying, cheating, stealing and adultery were all grounds for dismissal. If he were elected, he said, the same standard would apply. Perot said:
“If a man’s own wife cannot trust him, how can the American people?”
This, I think, is a legitimate question.
Different behavior
People often ask me if a sociopath will be “different” with a particular person. For example, can a sociopathic man who hates and harasses his ex-wife love his children? Can a sociopathic woman who takes advantage of her family be true to her new boyfriend?
The short answer is no. Exploitative people exploit anyone who has something that they want.
The long answer is that exploitative people may seem to authentically care for particular individuals, but it’s probably just part of an overall scheme of manipulation. The sociopath is just softening up the target, preparing for the right time to strike.
Here is one of the most dangerous thoughts we can ever have: “Well, yes, he (or she) treated that person badly, but he’ll never do that to me!”
Remember: The best indication of future behavior is past behavior. If you know that a person has behaved in a deceitful or exploitative way towards someone else, sooner or later, the person will behave that way towards you.
Compartmentalize
So why do we compartmentalize? Why do people seem to believe that how our elected officials conduct their private lives has nothing to do with how they conduct their public lives? Why is it that when we hear of a powerful person who has a solid marriage, we are surprised?
Maybe we’re beaten down. Maybe we’re totally disillusioned. After all, stories of deceit, betrayal and treachery have been around as long as humans have told stories. Maybe we hear of so many scandals—from cheating spouses to tax dollars wasted—that we simply expect the worst of people.
Perhaps public life has simply gotten too easy in America. It’s not like the Revolutionary War, when men risked their lives and fortunes to stand up to the British. No, politics today is all talk and no consequences. That makes it an excellent career choice for sociopaths—all they have to do is be charming, charismatic and deceitful.
Sociopaths, after all, want power, control and sex. By getting elected, they have access to everything they want.
Liu Xiaobo
That’s why it’s so refreshing to hear about people, in this day and age, fighting the good fight from a foundation of love.
In the article that I quoted in the beginning of this post, the author, Gregory Rodriguez, also wrote about Liu Xiaobo. Liu is the Chinese dissident who recently won the Nobel Peace Prize. He, of course, was viewed as a subversive criminal by the Chinese government, and was not allowed to go to Norway and accept the prize. Rodriguez explained how his absence was handled in Oslo:
Actress Liv Ullmann read aloud the statement Liu released last December as he was awaiting trial for “inciting subversion of state power.” At the top, he sermonized against hatred (“enmity can poison a nation’s spirit”), but his ending was an exquisite love letter to his wife, Liu Xia.
“I am sentenced to a visible prison,” he wrote, “while you are waiting in an invisible one. Your love is sunlight that transcends prison walls and bars, stroking every inch of my skin, warming my every cell, letting me maintain my inner calm, magnanimous and bright, so that every minute in prison is full of meaning. But my love for you is full of guilt and regret, sometimes heavy enough to hobble my steps. I am a hard stone in the wilderness, putting up with the pummeling of raging storms, and too cold for anyone to dare touch. But my love is hard, sharp, and can penetrate any obstacles. Even if I am crushed into powder, I will embrace you with the ashes.”
Rodriguez viewed Liu’s words to his wife as a sign of passion and commitment, and the bad behavior in the private lives of elected officials as the opposite. The point, Rodriguez wrote, is that love begins at home.
How people conduct their private lives is absolutely relevant to whether or not they should be elected. People who cannot be trusted by their most intimate loved ones cannot be trusted by anyone. And people who feel genuine love and compassion for their families can extend their love and compassion for the greater good.
Lesson,
I have gone no contact several times. Then when enough time had passed, I thought I could handle friendly emails- or texts. Or just try to be friends. WRONG. SPATHS are extremely patient and will keep at it. You will think you can just be friends, but they throw out a hook, if you bite- they are back in. I started expecting to hear from him. Then sometimes, when I was enjoying family or friends during a holiday, I would get another text, then emails or quick call of how he missed me. But never quite deliver on what I would want, dangling the proverbial carrot. Next thing I know, we are back in contact. Of course from there, just when I think- maybe he is different or I have my hopes up that he has changed, I get emotionally soccer punched.
This last time, I finally contacted the cell phone company and am paying to have his number blocked.
He is also BLOCKED from everything I can.
It is one day at a time. Get to one week at a time. Then a month, etc. You may fall back, but the personal strength and self esteem you have been building up during no contact, allows you to remove yourself quicker and you eventually become too busy with your own life.
Again, do not beat yourself up if you back slide (We tend to beat ourselves up way too much). The longer you have no contact, the clearer you will be able to see the full situation.
I always felt that I was in a tornado when with the spath (I have had two- a husband and an ex bf). I never knew what was up/right, etc. I clung to the spath because they said they loved me, so they must be right- I must just not understand or I am just seeing it wrong (that is what they wanted me to think while they were gaslighting).
GUESS what, once away for long periods at a time, I didn’t feel the obsession to try to figure out the truth. I got clearer and started tending to me and MY life.
Staying busy and working out helps me, and knowing exactly what he is- AND THAT HE and WE were a complete LIE.
This blog has helped tremendously- just wish I had known about it much sooner.
My exP also tried to get me to continue email connection with him. He said we should be friends and maybe get together for lunch every once in a while.
What I would do is send him one nice reply to get his hopes up and then I would start off on his problem of being a sociopath and how he needed to understand that he was emotionally retarded and infantile. I would take all his words and decipher them from spath speak into what he really meant and provide evidence from the past to support it. I would go on and on and on like a broken record in the emails. I was always bringing up the past and derailing where he wanted the conversation to go. He got really frustrated and no longer bothers me.
Ox,
Being of medical logic and mind, are there any article links you can refer me to to validate what you’re saying? Please don’t think I’m not believing what you’re saying is ABSOLUTE truth…but somehow, when faced with medical evidence, it also incorporates into the intellectual side of my brain, as well as emotional side of my brain. I”m all for educational pursuits. I want to educate myself as much as I can (I cant’ WAIT until my loans disburse so I can get a barrage of reading on my bedside table!), and I think you know what I mean without having to ask.
Missy, you are my guardian angel! You’re speaking to my pain………I want him SO BAD, I’m willing to go just friends. In truth, I’m no contact right now. There was a post or two on a thread on the Gaslight effect, from someone (forgive me!! my brain is swiss cheese right now!), that led to a site that she believed was so helpful to her. I read through a lot of it, but not all of it yet. It was SO helpful to me in understanding spath from a different perspective. The games they play. What was SO cool is it was stated specifically WHAT game they play…..and it so resonated with me…….He knows what I want…..it’s a game he has played with me forever…….the silent treatment. When things were going well (from his perspective) with his wife, he would not contact me for days, weeks, at a time. Then there was the bait….he was so sorry………..but if I had not done or said this or that…………I would have been worhty of his presence……..this evolved into a pattern………..he knew he could go more than three MONTHS (the longest we have EVER been apart) and that I would contact him with questions as to why…..
Patience? He has more than I do.
He knows I will contact him. HE KNOWS IT!
This was a MAJOR enlightenment tonight in talking with my daughter and many tears over what has happened…….she knows who he is and HATES his gutts! I feel guilty that my own children have to hold me up during a time of such emotional pain…”Mama”….she said, “I know how hard it’s been for you, but you’ve done SO good! He hasn’t been in our house in forever now…you don’t give him lunches anymore ….he was angry because you wouldn’t CATER to him anymore…and he HATED you for that…but we love you and we’ve got your back, Chica!”
I want to die. I’m so downtrodden, so hurt, that I’m hurting my children…and my daughter still lets me know “It’s okay to just be this way, Mama….I’ve always had your back..”
Myself, her man and she go out and sit and eat chips and have a drink at our favorite restaurant. We each only have one and it’s a treat. We talk about our day. Today…….all day….consumed with healing, I broke down………
When I talked about it, I was able to put into words what one of his favorite tactics is and she so agreed…………”He cuts you off totally…for a few weeks, months at a time, and he knows he has to do NOTHING because he knows you check his facebook, he knows…and so all he has to do is WAIT for you to get angry and upset with him…and contact him, Mama. HE KNOWS THIS! And he’s RIGHT….because you start missing him…and the hook he put into your heart…but this time, go to that website…tell them and DON”T DO IT!!! Don’t GIVE IN…don’t do what he does when he meets some new bitch…………DON”T idealize him….he COUNTS on that with you now…he’s the MOST patient mother fucker I’ve ever seen………..he has all the time in the world for you to react….so he waits………..like a lion waiting patiently for prey….he WILL be back Mama…like a million times before, no matter HOW MANY WOMEN ARE IN HIS LIFE!!!”
OMG.
OMG…..
Reality is setting in. She is RIGHT!! SHE IS RIGHT!!!
And it is this part of me, this fantasy, letting go, seeing who he is, not getting sucked in………he is SO patient!!
ANd he knows I’m not.
She’s right. Right now, I have to be a shameless dependent and come here as often as I need to, so I can keep this in mind……so i can move ahead with my growth…………to LEARN MORE, to READ MORE…to see the experiences of others here……
I cannot tell you how much this site means to me right now.
LL
Lesson, there are several articles right here, one that dr. Leedom wrote about Oxytocin being a bonding chemical/hormone and some of the research done on it. There is all kinds of stuff all over the internet (free) about the physical/genetic components of psychopathy, but I would start here at LF–read all of Dr. Leedom’s posts (listed on the left side of the pages here) and the ones “Explaining the Psychopath.”
There is still research going on, and needs to be more, but the identical and non-identical twins raised separately studies and other studies showing the tendency for genetics to be a big part of what makes a person violent, high in psychopathic type behaviors, criminal behaviors. etc. is being recognized. The studies of the brain itself and the chemical messengers that it uses to transmit memory, emotion, etc. (i.e. thoughts) is all very interesting. Of course psychopathy isn’t ALL genetic, any more than alcoholism is, but there is a definite component there.
We all have CHOICES though, and though the psychopath may not have exactly the same bonds to other humans that non psychopaths do, they do know right from wrong, and have a choice on how they treat others.
Lesson, it is like an ADDICTION, like you are going into withdrawl from coke or meth, you want that “high” you want that “fix”—I just quit cigarettes a year or so ago, and believe me, I know what it is to want a “fix”—and I had a BF who was a Psychopath and I wanted that “fix” of him too.—so treat this like an addiction and you must go COLD TURKEY.
Any time you find yourself wanting him, you must think of something else…..sing a song, recite poetry, come here and post…..but do not break the NO CONTACT rule. Physical no contact at first—but then emotional no contact will come. But you must stick with the NC or you will start from ground zero each time you break it, and you hurt not only yourself but others as well. YOU CAN DO IT. I know you can!!!!
Ox,
That’s why I’m posting like a crazy woman!! I WANT TO CONTACT HIM!!! I DO I DO I DO…but I DON”T because I know the craziness that will come if I DO contact……….but he COUNTS on that Ox…he COUNTS ON IT!! IT doesn’t matter how long to him he KNOWS, like clockwork what I will do and I’ve never FAILED him at all in that respect ox, NEVER.
Even when he has supply, I’ve been nothing but EXTRA supply, actually I must be his FAVORITE because for SURE I will come back BEGGING forgiveness!!!
I’m posting here, because I don’t want too Ox. I’ve busted my ass off this last year to get FREE! I’ve made such incredible strides given what I USE to do FOR HIM!! I shit you not, I use to cook lunch for this asshole every single day and he’d bring a bottle of wine EVERY SINGLE DAY….sometimes two..while he waws ON THE JOB and we would eat and drink…
My daughter shared with me that there were SO MANY Times she wanted to come outside on the deck and slap the shit out of him for what he was saying to me andI would just sit and TAKE IT……….”BITCH……………..you can’t say nuttin huh? You can’t say NUTTIN bitch because you know I’m RIGHT” he’d say…..
But school……..my friends……..something inside of me…the last time he was here, my daughter had had enough………she came outside and said,”Listen,mother fucker! I’ve been listening to all you’ve been saying to my mom…NONE of that is at all accurate…LEAVE HER ALONE”….I saw the worst evil in his eyes as he told her “you don’t know the half of what she’s done to me!”
I got up and walked out.
He left, drove right past me a I walked in desperate tears, searching for a refuge………he didn’t give a shit at all. I called him and begged his forgiveness…………
About a half an hour later, I saw hijm at the licquor store, buying his vodka,putting it in the back of his car without a care in the world……….
I was just thinking about the times (PTSD?) That are coming up for me in memories and flashbacks, to when we spent our first weekend together……….we ” made out” kissed alot, I felt him hard, brought him to orgasm….then he sat back on his knees and started to CRY….”I’ve not felt that in YEARS!”……..
OMG………the lies……….all of the lies. I took such pity upon him.We had been “friends” for two years prior..Ox, I felt so badly for him……….
And all of it was a lie. Start to finish. And when we werne’t intimate, he treated me like garbage. I remember early on in the relationshit, we went and hung out at our fave bar, watching sports there….I was talking to him, and he was mesmerized by what I had to saY, until the chick sitting in back of us stood up…he mesmerized stare turned to HER ASS….he was so blindsided and ignored me I couldn’t miss it…so I said, “What’s up with her? DO you know her because you stopped talking to me?”…”Don’t know”, He said, “But she looks familiar”…
So you could tell that by just looking at her ASS and not her face?
So many things coming up now…………so many traumas……….
Tears, yea, I saw those in the beginning……………but not after three months in. Even then, he couldn’t keep the mask on long……….he took his wife to the coast, blamed me and our relationshit for going, then when he got back he knew I was so desperate for an answer, for him…that he called me “Oh baby, I missed you so much, I want to see you so bad (voice cracking)…
That was all bullshit too.
ALL of it was BULLSHIT
And I’m so very very very sad…………..
Because I genuinely loved him and believed what he was saying to be true……….
And none of it ever was………….
Am I stupid? I don’t know anymore, Ox.
I misread everything through my empathy, sorrow for him…and what he was saying…
Will it take ten years for the next? Four years for the first, seventeen for the second, ten for the third……..
What is it INSIDE OF ME that wantedto believe? I’m defective. I didn’t see.
All I saw was my heart for him.
A set up was created between he and I…………”I will deprive you and you WILL come begging me back sooner or later”…
I swear to GOD Ox, if I didn’t have to live here for the sake of my sons stability right now, I’d so be GONE……………
LL – hi sweetie, sending you a hug tonight.
i want to tell you a little practice that can be very helpful. you need to wirte down the thing that he did that makes you feel most awful, the thing that shames you to the cores, the thing that makes you feel lower than a toad’s butt- and every time you get moony over him, and go through a rough patch like the last dew days, you read that a loud to yourself – as many times a day as necessary. it’s like a mantra, it helps you identify with something higher ( your innate self worth and beauty) by recognizing the lie of him.
the thing that you are dealing with right now, is the breaking of your delusional thinking. it can take a LOT of effort, but just keep chipping away at it, one day, or moment at a time. My spath pretended to be a whole whack of people, some nice, some horrid – when i found who she really was, (i’d already figured out what she was) and that all those characters were her it took me a really long time to get them all to hang togehter as one entity. Now, you are dealing with something similar as you have him split off in your brain – some idea of a good guy/ the spath.
the only way you will ever find someone who is what you wish he was, is to let go of him. he isn’t what is best for you – or you wouldn’;t be in this pain, or you wouldn’t be dealing with his game of run away/ come back/ punish.
he has you on a string, and he just jerks it when a) he’s bored b) someone else is boring or c) he needs something that you have.
sweetie – SO not worth it, and so beneath your worth. hugs.
Dear Lesson,
I hear your pain, and I hear the desire in your posting to go back to this man who treated you HOW?
Sit down and make a list of the things he has said to you, the nasty names he called you.
He is upsetting your daughter, you are not being a good role model for her by allowing this man to talk to you like a dog.
YOU HAVE CONTROL over yourself. EXERCISE IT! Right now, make yourself a promise that you will NOT contact him ever again.
I remember when I would “try to quit smoking” I knew in the back of my head that I would “cheat” and that I would go back to smoking. I finally quit a year or year and a half ago, something along that line, and I KNEW I WOULD NOT CHEAT and I didn’t. No matter how badly I wanted a cigarette I knew I would NOT cheat because my health depended on it.
I MADE UP MY MIND AND I DID IT, because THIS TIME I knew I would DO IT. Not “try” to do it, but DO IT.
I really haven’t wanted a cigarette in many months now, but this weekend when we were outside working my son’s friend had a pack of cigs he had left on a tool box and I actually went so far as to pick them up—and inside my head I thought “they will never know if I smoke one” and then I said “BUT I WILL KNOW.” and I put them back down again.
I’m not sure why all of a sudden I got the URGE to pick up that smoke, but I am NOT GOING TO GIVE IN to it, and you can make that same commitment to NO CONTACT with him. He doesn’t own you, and he only controls you if YOU ALLOW IT.
I quit cigarettes because they are BAD FOR ME, and I hardly ever have a cough now that I have quit. I had to quit eating so much and lose some weight, and I’ve been doing that too, and I had to decrease my salt (sodium) intake as well (and boy do I love salty foods!) but the thing is that I have TO CONTROL MYSELF or I am the one with the consequences.
I HAVE TO MAKE CHOICES, AND I GET THE CONSEQUENCES OF THOSE CHOICES. I smoke—and I get a cough and who knows, maybe lung cancer. I eat too much and my diabetes gets worse and I lose my eye sight, a kidney or a leg. I keep on eating lots of salt and my heart gives out. Those are MY CHOICES, so what I choose is what effects my life.
The same thing with relationships. I choose to not have contact with people who are manipulative, treat me with disrespect or hurt me. That means I have had to cut a BUNCH of people out of my life, starting with the woman who gave birth to me, and both of the sons I gave birth to, and people who had been “friends” for years—but people who had NEVER REALLY BEEN FRIENDS, JUST USERS. I’m a lot more healthy physically and mentally and emotionally than I’ve been in my life. I’m doing for myself what I should have done years before. I am taking care of myself.
You can make that choice too. To take care of yourself. I can’t make that choice for you, and neither can your daughter. YOU must make the choice for YOU, not because of her or because of me, but BECAUSE you want to take care of YOU> ((((Hugs)))) and my prayers for you, sweetie. You don’t deserve to be treated the way he treats you, but only YOU can get away from him….and stay away.
Ox,
I know that. Your analogy of picking up the pack of cigarettes is something I can SO related too………..because I still smoke. LOL..oh well, one habit at a time!!
ONe of the things I noticed that Spath stole from me, was my sense of humor. Wicked and care free as it was…….
That’s one of the things he claimed to be so attracted to with regards to me…….
I don’t even KNOW how to do that anymore…….
I lost all of the precious things that I held dear of myself…..
I was a beautiful, 37 year old, FREE woman when Spath landed me. I see pictures now and I’m SAD about that time, the bullshit I bought…
What happened to that SPIRITED, WICKED sense of humor, that fun, that JOY of life………being released from an abusive relationship,happy and in love with Spath……..
What a HUGE mistake.
He stole all of that from me. Perhaps this could be a comedy routine someday……so many ideas floating around in my head about it………
I’m just now able to watch comedy that I love. Joan Rivers, Kathy Griffin, Betty White…..humor….
He stole my laughter. To the point where I can’t spread the joy of what was so natural to me and made others feel light and happy…….even if they were down…….
It’s all gone.
I’ve lost myself, Ox.
I”m also complicated with MENopause. See a pattern here? MENstruation, MENorrhea, MENorrhagia, Pre MENstrual syndrome, ya followin me here?
What gender do you suppose came up with these medical terms? Hmmmm………. Well it wasn’t a woMAN was it? Even that taints our very gender!
S/P/N’s are Satan’s practical jokes. I can tell you now< NOT FUNNY and a total bomb comedically!! Unless you watch and love Ron White……
anyway……
How could you possibly make a joke out of the pain of this? I'll bve thinking about it, because humor is something that helps to heal………. a major force in my life, but a touchy, triggering area because Spath claimed to love comedy….to love mine…
And he beat the shit out of it. "You're not funny"….."you suck at it, no one thinks you're funny, YOU just think you are"…
Slowly, and over time, it became true. The light of the center of my being was snuffed out.
Even intellectually…I'm cognizant of every word written and beat the shit out of myself for having written it………"You don't write well"…………."Do you HAVE to write a BOOK?"…and he knew how much I loved to write……….even while he claimed to love my writing…
My passions in life have been squelched. I'm so insecure about things that were gifts for me.
MENopause is defintely apart of my life now…but if I self combust in a grocery check out line…….it won't be a hot flash due to MENopause…..it will be due to pain and the anger in which it is held.
I wonder which will destroy me first.
I want to laugh,………….genuinely again…………and give that gift to others too………..like I use too, naturally…..
I can't anymore.
I want back what he took.
I want it back, Ox……
Even with a cigarette in my hand and a cough undiagnosed…….
I want ME back…………
And she is only a figment of what was to me now……
I can't see her through the pain…………..
Ox,
Some of us can live through this. I admire all the strength I see her. It’s inspiring and it teaches.
But I don’t know that I can make it through this one.
There is something about admitting that submission, that creates peace.
I’m not sure I can make it through this.
I just don’t know.
LL,
Hugzzz woman!!!!
You will be OK!! Take a breath… even if it is with cig.. I ‘ve got one lit right now!!! I even have a glass of Amaretto I’m sipping on. It’s ok! You will find yourself again… what I’m finding is we find a person that is more mature than we statrted out. I don’t like it… perimenopausal.. HMMMM Girlfriend.. this sucks!!!
He has stolen your zest for life… IT will come back.
Love ya woman!
soimnotthecrazee1!