The connection between love and politics—that was the topic of commentary in yesterday’s paper written by Gregory Rodriguez, a columnist for the Los Angeles Times. The article, Love and politics in a cynical age, got me thinking about the consistency of behavior.
Rodriguez summarized how Americans have come to view the private lives and public lives of the people we elect to represent us. He wrote:
The truth is that we don’t generally associate politics or politicians with happy marriages and deep romance, let alone fidelity. The constant revelation of scandals and peccadilloes in the halls of power have trained us to expect the worst of those—particularly the men—we elect to shepherd and protect the interests of society. Somewhere along the line, Americans have even bought into the notion that a politician’s private life, in particular his love life, has little or nothing to do with his efforts on behalf of the public good.
In other words, people seem to think that just because an elected official cheats on his spouse, it doesn’t mean we can’t trust him with our tax dollars.
Not everyone holds this view. Ross Perot, who ran for president in 1992, famously said that at his company, EDS, lying, cheating, stealing and adultery were all grounds for dismissal. If he were elected, he said, the same standard would apply. Perot said:
“If a man’s own wife cannot trust him, how can the American people?”
This, I think, is a legitimate question.
Different behavior
People often ask me if a sociopath will be “different” with a particular person. For example, can a sociopathic man who hates and harasses his ex-wife love his children? Can a sociopathic woman who takes advantage of her family be true to her new boyfriend?
The short answer is no. Exploitative people exploit anyone who has something that they want.
The long answer is that exploitative people may seem to authentically care for particular individuals, but it’s probably just part of an overall scheme of manipulation. The sociopath is just softening up the target, preparing for the right time to strike.
Here is one of the most dangerous thoughts we can ever have: “Well, yes, he (or she) treated that person badly, but he’ll never do that to me!”
Remember: The best indication of future behavior is past behavior. If you know that a person has behaved in a deceitful or exploitative way towards someone else, sooner or later, the person will behave that way towards you.
Compartmentalize
So why do we compartmentalize? Why do people seem to believe that how our elected officials conduct their private lives has nothing to do with how they conduct their public lives? Why is it that when we hear of a powerful person who has a solid marriage, we are surprised?
Maybe we’re beaten down. Maybe we’re totally disillusioned. After all, stories of deceit, betrayal and treachery have been around as long as humans have told stories. Maybe we hear of so many scandals—from cheating spouses to tax dollars wasted—that we simply expect the worst of people.
Perhaps public life has simply gotten too easy in America. It’s not like the Revolutionary War, when men risked their lives and fortunes to stand up to the British. No, politics today is all talk and no consequences. That makes it an excellent career choice for sociopaths—all they have to do is be charming, charismatic and deceitful.
Sociopaths, after all, want power, control and sex. By getting elected, they have access to everything they want.
Liu Xiaobo
That’s why it’s so refreshing to hear about people, in this day and age, fighting the good fight from a foundation of love.
In the article that I quoted in the beginning of this post, the author, Gregory Rodriguez, also wrote about Liu Xiaobo. Liu is the Chinese dissident who recently won the Nobel Peace Prize. He, of course, was viewed as a subversive criminal by the Chinese government, and was not allowed to go to Norway and accept the prize. Rodriguez explained how his absence was handled in Oslo:
Actress Liv Ullmann read aloud the statement Liu released last December as he was awaiting trial for “inciting subversion of state power.” At the top, he sermonized against hatred (“enmity can poison a nation’s spirit”), but his ending was an exquisite love letter to his wife, Liu Xia.
“I am sentenced to a visible prison,” he wrote, “while you are waiting in an invisible one. Your love is sunlight that transcends prison walls and bars, stroking every inch of my skin, warming my every cell, letting me maintain my inner calm, magnanimous and bright, so that every minute in prison is full of meaning. But my love for you is full of guilt and regret, sometimes heavy enough to hobble my steps. I am a hard stone in the wilderness, putting up with the pummeling of raging storms, and too cold for anyone to dare touch. But my love is hard, sharp, and can penetrate any obstacles. Even if I am crushed into powder, I will embrace you with the ashes.”
Rodriguez viewed Liu’s words to his wife as a sign of passion and commitment, and the bad behavior in the private lives of elected officials as the opposite. The point, Rodriguez wrote, is that love begins at home.
How people conduct their private lives is absolutely relevant to whether or not they should be elected. People who cannot be trusted by their most intimate loved ones cannot be trusted by anyone. And people who feel genuine love and compassion for their families can extend their love and compassion for the greater good.
Katy, Sky,
your stories are absolutely disgusting in what your ex P’s did to you. I’m so sorry that happened, I feel badly for anyone that has to experience the hatred of a psycho’s lies to another.
Mine was a bit more subtle, but just as “deadly” in his acts. VERY sneaky!!! Since his separation and subsequent divorce from his wife, however, everyone that they ever had as friends, have refused to have anything to do with him since his ex wife exposed him and his antics to everyone. I’m glad she’s happy and found peace in her life. I don’t know how she LIVED with him all those years. He said he got kicked out of their social circle and their church, but that’s lies too. His games didn’t work anymore. P/N/S’s don’t like exposure. Obviously this was not either of your experiences and I feel so badly for you about that. While I’ve had a taste of it in this situation, I think my major blessing was that he doesn’t WANT to tell the truth about me because it MAKES HIM LOOK BAD TO ANOTHER POTENTIAL victim. I already know that to be true.
Katy, interesting that you say “He would prey upon those tendencies by luring the ped to do more evil”.. there is so much truth to that. While your ex’s OW was having her evil extracted, it can also be extracted in others too who are NOT evil. For example, the use of alcohol to lure, hook and become addicted too, thus causing pain….just like mine did. The evil they encourage comes out in many different forms or ways…but I think if there is genuine, true good in a person’s heart, they will eventually see what these psychos are doing and choose not to partake anymore. It can take days, weeks, or as in my case, years to see it. To want to see it. Once I did see it, everything I tried to avoid in feeling and causing pain, washed over me like an ocean. It’s been incredibly difficult to deal with. I trusted a lot longer than I should have.
I hope that for both of you, there has been some healing with others around you for the lying, nasty evil creatures these men were in your lives. I hope others see it eventually if not now in both your cases. I know that exSpath talks major shit on his ex, STILL in love bombing his next victims. I sometimes wish I could talk to her, but again, I think that would disrupt the peace she has in her life. I’ve caused enough pain.
Skylar,
Yes, I get your point. Dupes vs p’s. Some were p’s but most were dupes.
My husband was a master at manipulating people’s tendencies to be loyal to the “locals”, and suspicious of newbies. I was definitely the newbie and as my husband portrayed to others, I was a controlling, screaming, gold digging kind of woman that wouldn’t let him go (NOT even close to any conversation we ever had at home!).
Townspeople just did what they could to protect him, a local boy, without question b/c of their good nature; and they assumed that a member of a historic pioneer family was above reproach, esp since he appeared to be doing the same for them… watching out for their back. OF couse, it went further. I was also the scapegoat, when he promised them something and it didn’t happen, I was blamed b/c I kept him from doing it or I didn’t pass along a message. And then he’d tell them he was sure I “didn’t mean it” which made it look like he was defending me and that endeared him esp to the older ladies.
Fun fun fun in an isolated ranch town… where gossip is the best fun!
Sky and Katy,
Same mo here and I think most on this list would agree that we are all conned by master EXPLOITERS and users and imposters of the truth.
They are backwards …They use people the way we use objects.. They have emotional attachments to objects (money especially because it buys the pretties) not people.
That said, in my case, the entire family (4 siblings) are always doing good deeds, and purposefully befriending good Christian people… to use them.
I know their hearts because they never PRIVATELY expressed one sign of empathy or compassion for the children. Instead, the goal was to smile more, help the ex spread more lies and use their own children to do the same.
I am curioius to see how this all pans out as I silently watch. Actions always speak the truth.
As for public image, my ex wants to appear to be a caring physician…what a contradiction/impossibility. The Hippocratic Oath being upheld with no empathy.
Sadly, our culture loves to worship people who gain the power and status. We dont place any obligations or responsibility on their behavior …either how they gained power or what they do with it. The ends justify the means.
We seemed to have lost interest in teaching AND expecting character traits-truth, courage, integrity, empathy, humility- that would keep “power” in control.
I can say that I saw a lack of all these qualities in my ex many times..towards me.. but since he “faked” these qualities to others I was deceived. I needed the wisdom to know that he would not change. I chose to stay with him anyway. I should have known better.
Katy,
My exSpath repeated the same mantra to me about his ex wife that yours did about you. She was a controlling,manipulative bitch, and she didn’t deserve his love and attention anymore. She would scream at him for hours….literally….he called me one night…without saying a word while she screamed at the top of her lungs at him……great ploy, isn’t it? At the time I bought it…until I found myself doing the same thing, in complete and utter frustration and anger provoked.
Flower……yea……………wisdom………I should more than have known better…..
Lesson,
That is a ploy I hadnt considered being used but points straight to why NO contact is necessary until they cant push buttons…which may be always.
I lost my cool only once –thank– God but was afraid he had taped it. However, since my lecture was about his abusiveness and dishonesty, I dont think he can use it. I was blessed (or cursed) with a quiet nature. I dont even know if I could scream in an emergency but hope I am never tested!
I do know there is more power in silence when dealing with all people, esp the manipulators.
Katy,
Your situation rivals mine (small town) but at least both of us are transplants and the locals are on to him. I am so sorry you have to endure this. I can only imagine how hard it is for you but please know that the truth always, always always wins. Grace, grace and more grace for these deceived people and you will be rewarded generously.
I have now been invited me into the ” ranks” after many of the women saw his treament of me and the children during the divorce. I promise you that your good character and good behavior will be HIS undoing.
Flower,
I hope what I’m about to say continues to encourage you….after exSpath divorced, I PERSONALLY saw him play games with his ex, using the children to do it, to piss her off. To paint her as a horrible mother. Irresponsible. It got to the point that I had to tell him I was DONE hearing what he had to say about his ex. Just flat done. I feel very badly for her, that she still has to deal with him in regards to the children. He paints himself a victim over and over and over….and I am BETTING my bottom dollar, that a new woman for him would mean MORE ammo to aggravate HER with, again, using the children to do it. My ex Spath’s grandiosity and entitlement gets the best of him every single time though, as his little games makes HER take the reigns and let HIM know whose boss. I find GREAT amusement in that. I hope she continues to make his life a LIVING HELL!!!! GOOD FOR HER!!! After all the crap she’s been through, every manuever he makes will be his undoing. You are absolutely correct on that one. It IS interesting that he’s not very good at hiding whom he truly is anymore, the abusive animal comes out in him pretty quickly. His wife is a lovely woman. She is also a very good mother with a very good support system. She has so much grace and dignity…..much of what I never afforded her with my involvement with him. I believed every single vicious lie he told me. What is even more interesting, is that this site and stories like yours, Katy’s etc, generally follow the same MO as far as trashing the ex, even the lies and victim playing is so textbook and almost word for word.
My exSpath’s ex wife, while I have not spoken with her in some time, SHOWS who she is through her silence, her dignity, self respect, and just letting him totally screw it up.
And he does. Everytime. 🙂
Yes, that was a ploy. He was very good at provoking anger and absolute total unbridled frustration and rage. I didn’t understand at the time, why his ex was so angry as to rage as she did. I get it now. I totally get it. ExSpath was very stealth and excellent at playing the victim and provoking hatred out of women.
FlowerPower,
Sorry but after a beating that I was not supposed to survive (truck showed up with unplanned delivery, witness meant end of assault.) I RAN thousands of miles away and have not been back (yet he still told people I wouldn’t let him go and that I was a stalker.).
OxDrover lives in the danger zone. I don’t know how she does it. I admire her b/c she protects herself and stays strong/stays sane. But I know I couldn’t live with them so close to me.
I have recovered a LOT since but while I was IN that life, BUT…there was NO way I could live THERE and HEAL. I couldn’t afford it b/c I was in NO emotional condition to work at a job (deeply depressed and uncontrolled sobbing) and I was completely alone, isolated the entire time with NO friends or family. I had married him and then moved to his small hometown so he and his family controlled almost ALL of my encounters with the locals. — My only solace? Once in a while I’d talk with someone who didn’t know who I was and when they heard my name, they exclaimed “YOU are his wife? Well, YOU’RE not what I expected at all!”.
NONE of the locals are on to my husband. Even the affairs he had were with women from other towns north and south so he’d take them traveling on dates out of the area – that way he had multiple girlfriends who never knew about the others b/c they never saw anyone else. At Christmas he’d explain that he couldn’t be with them b/c he was so involved in community events that he had no alone time. When those affairs end, the women would be as if they never existed b/c they were never seen in the small town.
Now he has a new girlfriend who also lives in the next town north but she’s the daughter of a local, and he is in his rehab mode, rehabilitating his reputation b/c he is forgiven for his cheating and lying since he only did it b/c of… ME! His reputation is that he is such a GOOD person that only someone bad like me infected him and now that I am gone, he’s a good person again.
Since I am not there to represent myself, whatever he says goes…
and eventually he will blow it with the newest girlfriend. But I also know he has set up to leave town, buying property in another state. (He has copied the MO of another local boy who was finally caught embezzling. That guy had a whole other life in Arizona before the locals discovered his embezzlement and the subsequent bankruptcy of a cherished local institution. People assume a local would never steal from them. )
I promise MY good character and my integrity is what lets me move on. There is nobody coming to tell me they were wrong and now know I was the victim, not the perpetrator. But there is also no one to stop me from building a new GOOD life here.
How do I know about his real estate purchases/traveling with girlfriends? I read his email. Don’t tell me to “go NC”. Reading his email is how I was able to get leverage and free myself, divorce is nearly done!! THen I won’t care but finding how he hid assets, getting the cash to pay the attorney? I couldn’t have done it without reading his email… I am nearly NC, all communication is via the attorney. He just doesn’t know I read his email, that’s all.
KatyDid,
Darling, that is NOT BREAKING N.C. THAT IS GOOD SENSE!!! GOOD TACTICS, AND AS E.B. WOULD SAY “BACK-SPATHHING” THEM.
I am so glad that you are doing well in your recovery and that you ARE safe and away from him. I’m managing to stay here with the egg donor over the hill because I have another road that goes out the back side of the farm and I don’t even have to pass by her house. I stay over here in the woods where I can’t even see her house most of the time, and I don’t let anyone of the neighbors or even my cousin know when I am here or not or where I am when I am gone.
I send dis-information (that’s my word for LIES) to a buddy of my P son’s who is, as we speak, getting weekly picture post cards from my vacation in Australia!!!! Later toward the spring I will send him post cards from New England or California, not sure where they may come from, but they will never know when I am here or where I am when I am gone. LOL
It’s no harder for me than it is for you or anyone else here. Pain and Loss is TOTAL—complete. If one finger is broken the whole body hurts, or if a leg is broken the whole body hurts. Pain is total so whether we have one leg or two broken or one finger or ten the PAIN IS TOTAL. We just cope until it starts to heal, and in the end, we are all stronger than we know we are if we just BELIEVE we can, we can do what it takes to heal.
I’m glad you are about done with the divorce Katy, believe me I couldn’t have worked either, or taken care of kids, it was all I could do to survive and I admire these young women with kids to raise and jobs to go to! But we can all do what we have to do if we put our minds to it! You did and are and I did and am! TOWANDA for us all!!!!! (((hugs)))
Katy,
You are a brave and smart woman. I commend your courage and determination. I cannot imagine how you felt– living as the enemy with all those towns people but innocent of wrong doing.
Good for you to read the emails and use all that information for your benefit. My interpretation of NC is no speaking or seeing them.
Do be careful that you arent accused of a crime for looking at his email account. I just read that a woman was being charged criminally for hacking her ex’s account. Stay strong and can I make one correction? You are NOT a victim…you are a survivor sister!
Flowerpower:
I totally agree about people needed to be careful about hacking. Know the rules, know the law, or keep your trap shut about how you gather intel.
In my case, he is NOT my ex. He is my husband living in OUR legal home and we file joint taxes and vote using that address. The email account is ours. Since he did not perceive me as a “we” or “us” or anything as “ours”, I think he assumes the email account is his and he has not changed the password since I lived with him. Yes, he pays for the internet service, but legally, if he didn’t they’d come after me for payment b/c I am also responsible for it since the account was started in MY name. ALL of my other accounts are changed/closed and this one is only $10/mo so if he gets behind, I can afford to pay it and shut it down. I’m pretty comfortable with the legality of this one.