The connection between love and politics—that was the topic of commentary in yesterday’s paper written by Gregory Rodriguez, a columnist for the Los Angeles Times. The article, Love and politics in a cynical age, got me thinking about the consistency of behavior.
Rodriguez summarized how Americans have come to view the private lives and public lives of the people we elect to represent us. He wrote:
The truth is that we don’t generally associate politics or politicians with happy marriages and deep romance, let alone fidelity. The constant revelation of scandals and peccadilloes in the halls of power have trained us to expect the worst of those—particularly the men—we elect to shepherd and protect the interests of society. Somewhere along the line, Americans have even bought into the notion that a politician’s private life, in particular his love life, has little or nothing to do with his efforts on behalf of the public good.
In other words, people seem to think that just because an elected official cheats on his spouse, it doesn’t mean we can’t trust him with our tax dollars.
Not everyone holds this view. Ross Perot, who ran for president in 1992, famously said that at his company, EDS, lying, cheating, stealing and adultery were all grounds for dismissal. If he were elected, he said, the same standard would apply. Perot said:
“If a man’s own wife cannot trust him, how can the American people?”
This, I think, is a legitimate question.
Different behavior
People often ask me if a sociopath will be “different” with a particular person. For example, can a sociopathic man who hates and harasses his ex-wife love his children? Can a sociopathic woman who takes advantage of her family be true to her new boyfriend?
The short answer is no. Exploitative people exploit anyone who has something that they want.
The long answer is that exploitative people may seem to authentically care for particular individuals, but it’s probably just part of an overall scheme of manipulation. The sociopath is just softening up the target, preparing for the right time to strike.
Here is one of the most dangerous thoughts we can ever have: “Well, yes, he (or she) treated that person badly, but he’ll never do that to me!”
Remember: The best indication of future behavior is past behavior. If you know that a person has behaved in a deceitful or exploitative way towards someone else, sooner or later, the person will behave that way towards you.
Compartmentalize
So why do we compartmentalize? Why do people seem to believe that how our elected officials conduct their private lives has nothing to do with how they conduct their public lives? Why is it that when we hear of a powerful person who has a solid marriage, we are surprised?
Maybe we’re beaten down. Maybe we’re totally disillusioned. After all, stories of deceit, betrayal and treachery have been around as long as humans have told stories. Maybe we hear of so many scandals—from cheating spouses to tax dollars wasted—that we simply expect the worst of people.
Perhaps public life has simply gotten too easy in America. It’s not like the Revolutionary War, when men risked their lives and fortunes to stand up to the British. No, politics today is all talk and no consequences. That makes it an excellent career choice for sociopaths—all they have to do is be charming, charismatic and deceitful.
Sociopaths, after all, want power, control and sex. By getting elected, they have access to everything they want.
Liu Xiaobo
That’s why it’s so refreshing to hear about people, in this day and age, fighting the good fight from a foundation of love.
In the article that I quoted in the beginning of this post, the author, Gregory Rodriguez, also wrote about Liu Xiaobo. Liu is the Chinese dissident who recently won the Nobel Peace Prize. He, of course, was viewed as a subversive criminal by the Chinese government, and was not allowed to go to Norway and accept the prize. Rodriguez explained how his absence was handled in Oslo:
Actress Liv Ullmann read aloud the statement Liu released last December as he was awaiting trial for “inciting subversion of state power.” At the top, he sermonized against hatred (“enmity can poison a nation’s spirit”), but his ending was an exquisite love letter to his wife, Liu Xia.
“I am sentenced to a visible prison,” he wrote, “while you are waiting in an invisible one. Your love is sunlight that transcends prison walls and bars, stroking every inch of my skin, warming my every cell, letting me maintain my inner calm, magnanimous and bright, so that every minute in prison is full of meaning. But my love for you is full of guilt and regret, sometimes heavy enough to hobble my steps. I am a hard stone in the wilderness, putting up with the pummeling of raging storms, and too cold for anyone to dare touch. But my love is hard, sharp, and can penetrate any obstacles. Even if I am crushed into powder, I will embrace you with the ashes.”
Rodriguez viewed Liu’s words to his wife as a sign of passion and commitment, and the bad behavior in the private lives of elected officials as the opposite. The point, Rodriguez wrote, is that love begins at home.
How people conduct their private lives is absolutely relevant to whether or not they should be elected. People who cannot be trusted by their most intimate loved ones cannot be trusted by anyone. And people who feel genuine love and compassion for their families can extend their love and compassion for the greater good.
Dear Kimmie,
I’m doing great on the diet and the low sodium, and my “taster” is adjusting to less salt and craving less. I’ve sort of hit a plateau on the wt loss, and also discovered my scale was weighing “light” by 8 pounds! So I’ve still lost about 22 pounds but started 8 pounds heavier than I thought I did! LOL But bought me one of those new digital scales on sale after Christmas so am on the right track.
I also got some of the stretch bands (different lengths and different difficulties) and one of those big balls you balance on, and am riding my stationary bike, walking, doing the bands and working out with weights a bit on days I am not working hard and getting exercise by working.
I admit I did TOO MUCH those three days we butchered, and my old back complained last night every time I went to turn over it was a big production but I have actually been sleeping better with more exercise, more soundly and all that. Though today my back isn’t bothering me at all now, I can go through the full range of motion.
I am also not craving food as much as I was, am getting used to eating less, better quality, and more fruits and veggies. So I think it is that my mental health is making it easier to do the things physically I need to do to be healthy and vice versa. If you are depressed mentally you want to lay around and if you lay around it depresses you mentally so you have to get moving on BOTH FRONTS physically and mentally.
Son D was gone for about 8 months a while back (before all this chaos, but after my husband died) and I was here alone for the first time (I realized) in 40+ years I was living by myself. No roomie, no husband, no kids, just ME. It felt funny at first and I would wander from room to room, not sure what I was “searching” for, but eventually I settled down and it got kind of peaceful. Our place is big enough we don’t get in each other’s way, but I just “know” he is here. But now when he is gone for a week or two or in the summer for the entire summer, I don’t feel so lonesome. He’s a good roommate and I like that and I probably would get a roomie of some kind if he took off for good to move somewhere else. It is just nice especially living this far from civilization to have someone closer than a half mile away. My close friends live at a distance (25-30 miles up to 350 miles) Who knows, I might actually move to town!
Ox,
I’m simply amazed, not only by how many P’s have inhabited and tried to literally KILL you, but more so, how STRONG you are!! What an inspiration to all of us who are on this journey!
I still smoke. I’d like to give it up. I’m not ready yet, but it’s something I’m considering. I’ve been a smoker for over 35 years now, no promises not to get lung cancer, but with the life I have left, I sure as hell could at least FEEL better in the interim!
I just so admire and respect you for what you’ve managed to accomplish. Losing weight is really tough too. I don’t struggle with that, but I have two daughters that do. I often wonder if it’s just as much a struggle as quitting smoking.
ANyway, just wanted to share that with you.
Petite,
I went ahead and read ALL of the conversation between you and others here on LF.
Their advice, is great. But we all know, people can tell you a million times what the TRUTH is (you don’t see the truth, because YOU are in the situation and living in imaginary bubble) but we, as outsiders, without knowing you or the spath can tell how UNHEALTHY this relationship is.
A few points came to my head when I was reading your story.
1)ANYONE involved with a married man/woman” is WRONG!! That is just WRONG. If you end up with this spath (I sure hope u don’t) Would you be okay if someone came and slept with your man? No, obviously not. Don’t do that to someone else.
2)You are making a LOT of excuses for him. Not to us, but to yourself. See the truth for what it is, and you do” you just don’t want to accept it. Until you accept it, you will be in the same place with the spath, no matter what anyone tells you. Even if you SPEAK to his ex wife, and she tells you how horrible he is, you will still not believe it, because he has manipulated and brainwashed you to that degree. And its not your fault. Its his. With my own experience, even if THE SPATH HIMSELF TOLD YOU ALL HIS WRONG DOING, YOU WILL STILL EXCUSE HIS BEHAVIOR. Believe me, you will.
3)LISTEN to people here, they know what they are talking about. Since you are a doctor, we all can go to you if something is wrong with our bodies (or whatever you specialize in” BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE EXPERIENCE AND KNOWLEDGE OF WHAT YOUR DOING) Ofcourse, you couldn’t come to us with the same bodily issues, since we know NOTHING about it or how to help you because WE HAVE NO EXPERIENCES IN THE FIELD LIKE YOU. It’s the same thing here. LF is a big reason im staying NC with my spath (shes 50, an ex professor, and im 20, female).
Things will get better for you, P. I know they will. Just make sure you move in the right direction. Do that FOR YOU. You owe him nothing, even though I know you feel like you do.
I am going through the same thing as you. Denial. BIG denial. Everyone on LF has been so good to me” they are HELPING me (because I am still on the denial stage)” just like they will help you too. But please, help yourself too.
I see a lot of back and forth with you, you sound so confused. You sound, JUST LIKE ME” and that kind of behavior is normal for us” if you read my posts (idk if you have) you probably found me annoying, confused, lost (haha, my likee my name!)” But its NORMAL. And if we are sharing these feelings BECAUSE of someone, don’t you think there is something COMMON amongst all of us? Don’t you think all of our spaths are the same? Ofcourse they are” that’s why their main characterists are lies, manipulations. And the victims feel the same too, insecure, lost, confused, lonely, clingy, needy, DESPERATE, willing to settle for less (A LOT LESS!).
Anyway, I have to go back to work, but I will continue to read your postings and help you, and maybe if you read my story, as an outsider you can help me too”
ïŠ
Peace and love will come to you, you’re a good person, I can tell. Just stuck in a bad situation. Good things happen to good people, im a big believer of that!
Hello My Dear LessonLEarned
Just a wee bit /c I read your posts and I understand your pain. I wished I could help, tried to help WANTED to help you, but it ended up that you helped me.
You said something so profound. “he’s not the man anymore that he was for me.”
Wow. SOooo true.
I’ve seen that truth. As my husband has continued on to acting the player with his many women, he was unable to keep up the level of pretense he used on me. I think of my husband as feeding his demon, where even the pretense of being a good man is too much for him. And b/c he wasn’t real, he can’t remember who he was with me, and therefore can not replicate that ever again with me, or with anyone else.
I am happy to see you choose to move. Maybe it hurts now, but it’s empowering, that you are denying YOUR Spath’s demon self access to YOU. And it’s a new place, a new start, a place where good energy and joy can grow. I watched the youtube song. It’s a GREAT soul path, that GOD has a path to your soul through music. VERY healing.
BTW. After I left my husband, for a long time, while I knew I wasn’t so depressed, I lost my ability to feel joy. I thought it was gone and just accepted that as the consequence. One day, I found myself laughing at something that was funny. Out LOUD laughing. And then I cried and cried and cried b/c I knew” I felt joy again. JOY! Humor! The funny side! I got back that piece of myself and from then on, I laugh and laugh and laugh. When I felt joy again, I knew then that I’d get back ALL the pieces I lost. You will too.
Again, thank you. My husband is not the man anymore that he was for me. Your words. Healing my grief. Simply PROFOUND.
Dear Learned,
Sugar I have struggled with each step I made in the right direction and sometimes gone back two for every one forward. It is like peeling an onion, there are still more layers down below to work on.
After my husband died, I chain smoked and I just got to the point that I had to stop or die! But it was after I had sort of gotten over the worst of the chaos, I didn’t try to do it all at once. I also didn’t try to lose the weight (and I am sure that stopping the smoking added to the weight problem) at the same time. I dealt with ONE hurdle at a time. Although I have had to do the weight loss and the low sodium at the same time but it is coming together.
I’m not one bit “stronger” than anyone here—we can ALL make up our minds to do what we REALLY WANT TO DO! That’s the message I “preach.” If someone says one thing and DOES another you can bet that they WANT TO DO WHAT THEY ARE DOING not what they say they want to do.
If you WANT to quit smoking, truly WANT TO, you will DO SO. If you WANT to be nice to someone you WILL be nice to them.
So look at a person’s behavior to determine what they really WANT.
I’ve done the same thing, SAID I “wanted” to quit smoking, lose weight, or whatever, but if I didn’t DO that thing, I was only kidding myself and others about what I really WANTED to do.
You know the 10 Commandments in the Bible? Well, there is an 11th that I made up, it is “THOU SHALT NOT FOOL THY SELF.”
In other words DENIAL, and boy have I been guilty of THAT ONE. I think it has been “violated” more than all the other 10 commandments put together.
I’m a work in progress, just like you are, and I am taking things one day at a time, one project at a time. I’ve been in the fetal position on the floor, sucking my emotional thumb and crying my heart out, and I may be there again, but I’m working hard to be wise enough to identify and keep away from people who will push me down, and then stomp on me while I am down.
I have to treat myself well before I can expect others to. So be good to yourself, starting today! Find ONE thing you can do for yourself that is a good, nurturing thing. Then do it. Whether it is a bubble bath, or a manicure, whatever it is, do it. You deserve it. Then tomorrow pick something else, or repeat that first thing, but do something good for yourself, and it will build, and your strength will return and grow as your stress gets less and less and your nurturing gets more.
A lot of my stress was built upon my own expectations that I be PERFECT. If my house wasn’t spotless I wasn’t perfect. If I objected to something someone did and they got their feelings hurt I wasn’t perfect. If I did something for myself it was wasteful, if I gave something to someone else that I needed, that was GOOD deeds. If I rested I was lazy. If I made an A- on a grade it should have been an A+—and so on. Now I realize that the world will not end if I go to bed when I am tired, even if the dishes are not done. The world will not end if I read a book instead of mop the floor. The world will not end if I spend money for something I want, not just things I need. Or even spend money on myself. It is okay to do things for me, or just because I want to. DARN! What a wonderful concept, wish I’d thought of that 40 years ago! I don’t have to work all the time, I can play. Play is a good thing too. I don’t have to be perfect either! Gosh, I can make mistakes and still be OK. I can forgive myself for not being perfect. I can have an opinion that NO ONE agrees with me about and I am still OK. I can have feelings and my feelings matter to ME. It is okay for my FEELINGS to matter. What other people think about me is not the most important thing in the world. WHAT I THINK ABOUT ME IS IMPORTANT!
So, be good to yourself, chickie! It is important to learn to VALIDATE yourself, your feelings, your thoughts, and it is a wonderful feeling to do so. (((Hugs))))
lessonlearned, a song for you : “Less Like Scars” by Sara Groves
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wtpZfYG1nBs
You will get through this! I believe in you. Hugs
Oxy.
Shakespeare had that 11th commandment.
“To Thine own self be true.”
Means two things to me:
don’t lie to myself.
be faithful to myself.
Even when others lie to me or are unfaithful to me, I must NOT join them in their deception.
Very good KatyDid, very true. We must be true to ourselves and not lie to ourselves. If we don’t treat ourselves with respect, why do we think others should treat us with respect?
The golden rule is to treat others as you would treat yourself, but also I think the SILVER rule is to demand that others treat you as well as YOU TREAT THEM….if they don’t, then get away from them.
yes, the silver rule, part 2…
treat YOURSELF as well as you treat others.
golden rule never worked for me b/c my husband SAID he treated me the way he’d treat himself, which implied I WAS THE PROBLEM i.e., Too demanding.
Ox,
I agree with you. LOL!!! I like your 11th commandment too! I DO want to quit smoking, but I’m not READY for the undertaking AT ALL right now. Smoking soothes me, as nuts as that sounds. One thing at a time and I think the biggest addiction I need to deal with is about POS. Everything else will come in time. I’m very VERY hard on myself. NO PATIENCE WITH ME AT ALL. I beat CRAP out of myself for everything. I micromanage myself CONSTANTLY…throughout all of this because of the pain, the intensity of it, I’ve come to realize that I can’t be and do everything right now. It’s just not possible. My body is ZAPPED after my ten years with POS. I don’t even GIVE myself permission to NAP when my body is just EXHAUSTED right now! I have been letting my dishes go at night however! PROGRESS!
I was also VERY uptight about school and my grades. I STILL am! I’ll strive for that A, anything less just doesn’t seem quite good enough, even though my B’s wouldn’t reflect that. So I developed a new system
A. Awesome!
B. Bitchin!
C. COOL!
D. Darn it! Will do better next time
F. *uck it! epic FAIL, off to Financial Aid and some MAJOR ass kissing and do the class over again! (I’ve not had that happen to me yet, but there is always that possibility!)
I may have to tweek that a bit, but it does help me to see that even if I couldn’t make it, I can still get up, dust off and try again! A BIG goal for me right now, is self forgiveness. Trying not to let myself be overwhelmed with all the pieces I need to pick up. With myself and my children too.
I think being here on this site is very helpful in that everyone is so REAL and honest about their issues! It helps ME to become more REAL with mine. Because it’s still very early NC, I’m quite vulnerable, in a lot of pain, and there are peels and peels of denial left yet to uncover. I don’t think my mind is quite ready yet to deal with anymore than just early NC.
I have a question for you Ox. I’ve heard in our “medical circles” (this has been a huge subject for debate), that it takes approximately 30 days to break an addiction to a substance…but I don’t think that applies in cases of addictions to toxic relationships such as with the personality disordered. I wish there was a way to heal faster. I wish I could order my books NOW, so that when I’m feeling weak or unsure of my experiences with POS, I can just open up a heavily underlined book and read read read….I love to read so that helps me tremendously.
I’m still having trouble wrapping my brain around this disorder, even though I’m sure my experiences happened. THat is so frustrating for me to continue to question whether it was a disorder of his I was seeing. I kept all of his emails and a lot of IM’s. I read those often because when I’m in doubt I read and then there is no more doubt. I need to read more and more about sociopathy. ALOT. Sometimes the same articles over and over. IT doesn’t remove the pain from my heart, but it does help me to stay in reality and away from the fantasy.
The thumb sucking crying on the floor stuff is what happened to me yesterday. My daughter and her boyfriend and I went out to a Restaurant last night and while sitting there, I was just overwhelmed with grief. I started crying at the table. I couldn’t help it. It just happened. And I didn’t stop the rest of the night.
I’m trying so hard to comfort myself. But there doesn’t seem to be any…..except in brief spurts. I keep losing site of whom he is. Then when I’m able to grasp it in those moments, tears, anger…..it’s frustrating to feel this way. That he’s the only one who can “fix” it, which is what kept me going back time and again.
But it won’t. ONe thing that helps me not to contact, other than coming here is understanding that if I were to contact him, he would be seething with rage at me. IT would be an opportunity to hurt me more. It stops me in my tracks.
I’ve stopped looking at his FB page and don’t troll those that know him either. I’m tempted often, but I know that the more I see, even a sentence, just hurts me more. It’s better that I know nothing at all. See nothing at all.
IT”S JUST SO DAMNED HARD!!! I feel like I”m fighting for my LIFE!! And it’s work. It’s hella hard work!!!