The connection between love and politics—that was the topic of commentary in yesterday’s paper written by Gregory Rodriguez, a columnist for the Los Angeles Times. The article, Love and politics in a cynical age, got me thinking about the consistency of behavior.
Rodriguez summarized how Americans have come to view the private lives and public lives of the people we elect to represent us. He wrote:
The truth is that we don’t generally associate politics or politicians with happy marriages and deep romance, let alone fidelity. The constant revelation of scandals and peccadilloes in the halls of power have trained us to expect the worst of those—particularly the men—we elect to shepherd and protect the interests of society. Somewhere along the line, Americans have even bought into the notion that a politician’s private life, in particular his love life, has little or nothing to do with his efforts on behalf of the public good.
In other words, people seem to think that just because an elected official cheats on his spouse, it doesn’t mean we can’t trust him with our tax dollars.
Not everyone holds this view. Ross Perot, who ran for president in 1992, famously said that at his company, EDS, lying, cheating, stealing and adultery were all grounds for dismissal. If he were elected, he said, the same standard would apply. Perot said:
“If a man’s own wife cannot trust him, how can the American people?”
This, I think, is a legitimate question.
Different behavior
People often ask me if a sociopath will be “different” with a particular person. For example, can a sociopathic man who hates and harasses his ex-wife love his children? Can a sociopathic woman who takes advantage of her family be true to her new boyfriend?
The short answer is no. Exploitative people exploit anyone who has something that they want.
The long answer is that exploitative people may seem to authentically care for particular individuals, but it’s probably just part of an overall scheme of manipulation. The sociopath is just softening up the target, preparing for the right time to strike.
Here is one of the most dangerous thoughts we can ever have: “Well, yes, he (or she) treated that person badly, but he’ll never do that to me!”
Remember: The best indication of future behavior is past behavior. If you know that a person has behaved in a deceitful or exploitative way towards someone else, sooner or later, the person will behave that way towards you.
Compartmentalize
So why do we compartmentalize? Why do people seem to believe that how our elected officials conduct their private lives has nothing to do with how they conduct their public lives? Why is it that when we hear of a powerful person who has a solid marriage, we are surprised?
Maybe we’re beaten down. Maybe we’re totally disillusioned. After all, stories of deceit, betrayal and treachery have been around as long as humans have told stories. Maybe we hear of so many scandals—from cheating spouses to tax dollars wasted—that we simply expect the worst of people.
Perhaps public life has simply gotten too easy in America. It’s not like the Revolutionary War, when men risked their lives and fortunes to stand up to the British. No, politics today is all talk and no consequences. That makes it an excellent career choice for sociopaths—all they have to do is be charming, charismatic and deceitful.
Sociopaths, after all, want power, control and sex. By getting elected, they have access to everything they want.
Liu Xiaobo
That’s why it’s so refreshing to hear about people, in this day and age, fighting the good fight from a foundation of love.
In the article that I quoted in the beginning of this post, the author, Gregory Rodriguez, also wrote about Liu Xiaobo. Liu is the Chinese dissident who recently won the Nobel Peace Prize. He, of course, was viewed as a subversive criminal by the Chinese government, and was not allowed to go to Norway and accept the prize. Rodriguez explained how his absence was handled in Oslo:
Actress Liv Ullmann read aloud the statement Liu released last December as he was awaiting trial for “inciting subversion of state power.” At the top, he sermonized against hatred (“enmity can poison a nation’s spirit”), but his ending was an exquisite love letter to his wife, Liu Xia.
“I am sentenced to a visible prison,” he wrote, “while you are waiting in an invisible one. Your love is sunlight that transcends prison walls and bars, stroking every inch of my skin, warming my every cell, letting me maintain my inner calm, magnanimous and bright, so that every minute in prison is full of meaning. But my love for you is full of guilt and regret, sometimes heavy enough to hobble my steps. I am a hard stone in the wilderness, putting up with the pummeling of raging storms, and too cold for anyone to dare touch. But my love is hard, sharp, and can penetrate any obstacles. Even if I am crushed into powder, I will embrace you with the ashes.”
Rodriguez viewed Liu’s words to his wife as a sign of passion and commitment, and the bad behavior in the private lives of elected officials as the opposite. The point, Rodriguez wrote, is that love begins at home.
How people conduct their private lives is absolutely relevant to whether or not they should be elected. People who cannot be trusted by their most intimate loved ones cannot be trusted by anyone. And people who feel genuine love and compassion for their families can extend their love and compassion for the greater good.
tobe,
Thank you for that and I’ll check out the site. Today has been absolutely miserable for me. The worst day since NC. I feel completely defeated and depressed.
One of the things that dawned on me today is this feeling that nothing is what I think it is. Well, it also dawned on me that that feeling is a direct result of buying so much bullshit for so long, or wanting too. While there is some truth to that in some ways, S made it a habit to throw that line at me CONSTANTLY….good or bad. “You’re imagining things”…”Let me go so I can be happy, you don’t want me to be happy’…..yet just two weeks before he was begging me to see him everyday,right up to the day he was in the air for a three day love bombing spree and even when confronted with the truth “I’m tired of your false accusations, I’m tired of you imagining things, nothing is what you think it is”.
Really? Well it is now piece of shit!
Right now, I’m in the angry stage. I’m so pissed off at what this has done to me. Every single day it seems, by the end of the day I’m EXHAUSTED trying to UNTWIST my brain, deprogram from all of his hefty helpings of bullshit! It’s hard work. It’s painful work. How can I make this right within me, so I can take the focus COMPLETELY off of him and onto MY healing!!!
I am struggling with denial. The bullshit still swirls in my head. I wish I had those books NOW. While there is the intellectual side of me that knows, my HEART is having a hard time incorporating any of it. When I think about what he really is, what it really was, I feel shamed and angry. I went to BED with this man UGH!!! I’ve been having flashbacks all day of the things he’s done to me, FROM THE BEGINNING, MAJOR red flags that I didn’t see. It wasn’t but six months before he said something to me that made me want to just die. I felt PUNCHED….but I stayed. Still. I got “Use” to his abuse. I denied and blew it off.
I’m seeing that even though I lied and manipulated to get his attentions during the relationship, I also lied to get OUT of the relationship. I always had excuses not to see him. In my heart, I didn’t want to go get the shit kicked out of me emotionally. I remember early on in the relationship, I would be begging him to tell me what I did to get “the look” the attitude…and if called him on it, I was RAGED at!! RAGED at!! INSTANTLY. I was afraid to say anything. And if he thought I would leave, he would INSTANTLY turn into sweet man. INSTANTLY. It was such a horrible mind fuck and I think I’m grieving for the time I put into it, all the pain that he caused, in the slightest of things said or done and they come in flashbacks. This is extremely distressing. I have a feeling its my healthy mind fighting with the brainwashing he did of me. It just hurts so bad, ya know? He let me know, in no uncertain terms that if I didn’t do as he said to do, if I didn’t drop everything and show up when HE wanted me too, I would lose the relationship. I was so tired towards the end, he wanted me to give up everything whenever he wanted to be with him. But WHY? Because when I did show up, he was an ASSHOLE!! Or he wouldn’t speak, or he’d drink himself silly, or he’d want sex. Demanding “Let’s go to bed”. “Let’s watch the game”….he’d say nice things to me when we cuddled on the couch once in awhile “This is nice, I really enjoy this with you”….now someone else is doing that. And after that, after those very BRIEF intimate moments, the next day, asshole again. I remember once not too long ago, I spent the night with him. He got up and was getting ready for work. I made his bed, straightened up the room, made him coffee, brought it to him and he talked glowingly of how much that meant to him that no woman had EVER done that for him. OH MAYBE THAT”S IT, I thought. I did it again the next time I spent the night. Nothing. IN fact, the coffee I brought to him into the bathroom was met by a dirty look, a fake, monotone, “thank you”. Then when he was done getting ready, he took that coffee and poured it into the sink. I was crushed. That was only a few days after the he said he loved that. He loved it that I cooked for him CONSTANTLY. But I got tired of that too, towards the end of the relationship. I was losing my desire to do ANYTHING for him because of the way he treated me, but I couldn’t verbalize it. The coffee/bed making incident is VERY MUCH symbolic of the ENTIRE relationship. It was as if nothing was ever said, good or bad. Like everything was FORGOTTEN the next day. He would hurt me, I’d rage at him, and then hours, but most of the time, the next day, he’d be acting as if nothing ever happened!!
THIS ISN”T NORMAL BEHAVIOR!! IS IT? Well it became normal for me. As a result, even though I have an idea of what “healthy” is, I’m POSITIVE it couldn’t be that!
Petite, I don’t know what to tell you because of the place I’m in right now, but I’ll do the best I can to help you out here, seeing that you were headed down my end of the street with your situation: The HARDEST thing for you to do will be to stand your ground while he pulls the puppy dog eye shit on you. When you hear his voice, when you see his demeanor, it will be just plain HARD. I’m thinking about that part for you, because when I see spath around like I did this morning, all of that goes out the window for me still. It’s a work in progress. The ONLY thing I can share is that you LISTEN to the advice given here. ANd you’ve been given A LOT. Come up with ideas, as you have about the chaperone. But even that is NOT going to take care of actual UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL VIEWING!!!
I think my perspective may not be the best right now in this way because I was in my relationship a LOT longer than you have been yours and that may be your ace card. If there is ANY WAY you can HEAR HIS WORDS IN FRONT OF YOU AS NOTHING LESS THAN MANIPULATIVE AND LYING, you’re going to be JUST FINE. If you can see that his facial expressions, demeanor, etc, IS NOT GENUINE, that he’s actually emotionally ASSAULTING YOU as he LIES TO YOU AND TRIES TO SUCK YOU IN, you MIGHT just be okay through it. If there is any way you can VIEW HIM IN FRONT OF YOU AS BEING A RISK TO YOUR WELL BEING, You’re going to be OKAY. I’ll think on this some more, but one more example here: Have you ever given a speech in front of A LOT of people? Have you ever been AFRAID to do it right before you did it? maybe a little nervous? I remember being told to envision those people in their underwear. That’s a very old approach and cliche, but it does work. Just as easily as you get through that,once you get going, is as easy as it will be to overlook his manipulations, his games and see him for what he is.
LL
Petite and lesson learned
sometimes the hardest part is when they say nothing and just look at you with those eyes. puppy dog eyes.
even after I knew that my ex was a sadistic murderer and pedophile, who was trying to kill me and make it look like a suicide, I still felt tears welling up in my eyes when I saw him a couple of months after I left him. He didn’t say anything he just looked at me. The problem was that I allowed myself to remember some of the good times. don’t go there only remember the bad things. Or else just think of nothing at all Stay in the present.
Learned….I don’t know your whole story. I just started reading and posting more on here recently again…since I am hibernating home for the winter.
Your r/s sounds so similar to mine…I even thought we were dating the same man when I read some of your posts.
I recall being where you are right now…the stage of healing you are in….a year ago. It was after my second breakup with him…so I totally feel what you are feeling right now.
The only thing that really helped me at that time, thinking back…was to say…”2b, he is disordered.”
I don’t know how or why…but when I said that while driving, or when I was processing it..(thinking about it)…it would make me exhale and I’d feel calm.
HE IS DISORDERED. And…I do NOT want to be around any disordered people in my life…because they only bring me down!
I was helping a friend of mine who went through a break up with a woman who was a terrible conartist/liar/sociopath/thief….and he was breaking down.
Via phone..I kept saying ….”She is disordered”…and he would say….”Yeah..and I don’t want a disordered person”.
He is doing fine now…a year later..smiling..got a new job…and met a nice NONDISORDERED woman!
He is stronger than ever!
So…Who wants someone that isn’t devoted to them?…who is disordered????
Hi Lesson, Skylar and Libelle,
thanks a lot. The chaperone is my cook, she cannot take him out, though Libelle, I understood that – I will be busy with work, conference and tired when I come home.
Lesson and Sky – what do we do when he looks at us with those puppy dog eyes. Mine just sent me a email saying how he misses me so much and is longing to see me next weekend.
I have not repleid, but will say – see you at the airport.
petite
LL,
I have given many talks in front of huge audiences, that gives me no stress compared to him. becoz those audiences will not look at you with puppy dog eyes and beg for a second chance.
I have copied your advice – as to what I should do every time that will happen and remember Skylar, Candy and Libelle’s words.
you take care of yourself.
petite
Petite,
Understood. I get it.
If you can’t hear my pain…if you can’t see what I’m going through and all I’ve shared….THIS, RIGHT NOW, PETITE…is where you will be ten years later, one year later, three years later….six months later when you’re sucker punched by him…
It’ll hurt so much worse.
But………….I think the call of heart, and your NEEDS are so much more important than anything we can say to you.
I WISH there was something I could do to tell you NOT to engage him or do this thing. I WISH….it’s all retrospect.
If you choose the puppy dog eyes, he has won. He’s REALLY gearing up now. He’s going to make your life a LIVING HELL in pushing…
you may buy into it. I have to let that go Petite, even though, from my heart of hearts, I totally GET where you’re at….I’m not sure if my POS came to my door right now, or didn’t pop up on my IM that I wouldn’t answer right away….and that’s honest.
BUT, I do know, I DO KNOW, that I keep reading this site right now, more than I do my own damned homework, because reprogramming my brain is essential, CRITICAL to my survival….I have to hang on. I have to post. I have to say what’s on my heart. I have to hear over and over, Ox and others say “Sugar (love it when ox calls me that, makes me feel loved when i feel SO UNLOVED), go get the frying pan out of the kitchen and beat yourself over the head with it!” Not literally, but…….well metaphorically….
Ultimately we make the decisions in the end Petite. We really do.
Here’s some incentive. If you get through this, and you can do this and blow him off, fly here to Oregon. I will treat you to dinner, my treat, and we can BS and piss and moan the night away about our POS’s and be GRATEFUL that we dodged teh bullet!! We can talk medical stuff. We can TOAST OURSELVES for being so brave and strong and share that!!! THAT WE DID IT, WE MADE IT!!!
Petite, I’m the biggest cheerleader. I know so many here are, maybe those who have been through what we have….but the BIGGEST support system you have are those who GENUINELY care for you…and YOUR VERY LIFE…………
Petite…..right now…I wish I was dead. I pray every single night that God will take me. I have to see this man in my neighborhood, knowing he is screwing another woman not even half a mile away from my home…he works not even five minutes away..and I’m still a client of where he works, every single day…..
You have the added blessings of distance and maybe a conference here and there in the future, but you have AN ESCAPE HATCH and those of us who deeply care about you and your survival.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE………..even if you have to say to yourself over and over while you’re with him,”LL said she’d treat me to a GREAT dinner if I DON”T engage him LOL! I’m a bit more genuine……..well, okay okay, I can’t do the sex part, or the Spath part, but I can be your biggest support given all I’ve been through in what is your very own situation.
He’s going to work you HARD, Chica. He’s ready for the love bombing. He’s WORKING OVERTIME IN HIS MIND AS TO HOW HE IS GOING TO ENSNARE YOU!!
Please, PLEASE, Petite……you can fly here and we can meet and talk about it when it’s all over! You have great support here!
I’m sounding desperate. Ya know what? I guess I am. Because if I can save even ONE LIFE, EVEN ONE LIFE, from going to the abyss I’m dealing with now, I’ll do it. ANYTHING.
He’s a POS, Petite.
This is a great time of growth for you too, Chica. This is a GREAT time to face yourself, with AWARENESS OF WHAT HE IS and find out what you feel you need that you THINK he can provide but CAN’T!! I’ve been there!!!!
Now look where I am!!!
In pieces. Petite, my life is SHATTERED!!! I’m in SO MUCH emotional pain!!! It will take great strength to pick up the pieces….
Your pieces are still intact, if not just a bit in dissaray…but that’s okay……
I understand. I really do. And if you cave and buy into it, I will STILL be there for you when the pieces come crumbling down…
But you have been given a GOD GIVEN GIFT!!! US! OX! THIS SITE!! THIS IS A GIFT!! When GOD intercedes in your life, YOU TAKE IT FOR WHAT IT IS!!! HE IS TELLING YOU! HE IS USING HIS BULLHORN OF LOVE FOR YOU THROUGH ALL OF US!!
LISTEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PETITE!! JUST LISTEN!!!
LL
Hello LL and others,
Sorry I can only read and post for a little while at night. LL – it is so funny, I took a psch class a couple of years ago (after being out of school for a long time) and found it extremely interesting. I then took Abnormal Psych, and first learned about narcississm and sociopathic tendencies.
I think you are right about addictions- I am addicted to coffee in the morning- I guess it is all about moderation.
I know how hard it is. My ex jerked me for five years!! Just when I would begin to think he cared for me, he would let me know about some woman in his past. In fact every new years (except one where we spent time together) he let me know how he was going out with some other woman (we were in separate states), then would make up later- saying they were just friends, blah, blah, but this year- we were trying the friendship thing and I thought if we were just friends, he would tell me when he was with someone- well yes and no. For six months he has kept in contact, texts, emails, flirting. I even asked if there was anyone else- he would always say no. I got fed up with not knowing what was up and let him know I was seeing someone else (who I broke up with recently- because I was not being treated the way I deserve). Then he let me know he had been seeing another women and he was at her house while he was talking to me and spending xmas and new years with her..,Then to make matters worse, I know I should not have looked- but I looked up her facebook page and she had posted pictures of he and her.. it made me sick. This was the same guy, who three days before told me that he would break up with her because she meant nothing, and spend time with me in Jan. I said NO THANKS and he is sick. I have cut him out of my life.
It isnt so bad this time because we had gone through this before (too many times) and I am healed enough to be done.
But it is still a struggle, but I know how bad it was and do not delude myself anymore into thinking he will be different. NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS; well he really can’t say anything because he is blocked and NC is the RULE–no exceptions.
Thank you everyone.
Missy,
Thanks for sharing that. ANd what he did was exactly what mine has done to me.
I could never dream of hurting another human being the way he can and not think twice.
It dawned on me today. For him, towards me, this is war. The silent treatment, other women….love bombing new woman,spending the nights with her in my own neighborhood….he HATES the hell out of me……..HATES me……
I know, without a doubt that that is true. There have been other times when I’ve called him out on his behavior, calling him personality disordered and Narcissistic…the GLEAM of hatred in his eyes was so obvious and the retaliation because I KNOW, is even worse.
I’m hanging on for dear life right now. Can’t recall whom, (forgive me, my brain is swiss cheese right now as I’m in emotional crisis), who said to write down good things about me…as I went through the grocery store tonight, with my son’s about the time that POS gets off work (he goes to the same place) I remembered about making that list…but I could only reference HIM and my relationship with him, …so I went into survival mode and recalled all the good stuff I gave him…here’s my list.
I’m genuine
I’m real
I am kind
I’m loving
I’m generous
I’m sympathetic
I’m giving
I’m caring
I’m a good writer
i’m a good student
I’m a good mother
I’m a good dog owner
I’m a good hearted PERSON
I’m great in bed
I’m a good listener
I’m beautiful
I’m a great cook
I’m a great student
I’m committed.
I’m loyal
I’m engaged in life and conversation
I’m intelligent
I’m worthwhile
I’m a good driver (more on this later)
I’m sober.
I’m humorous.
I’m helpful
I love animals
I love children
I care about people in pain
I could go on and on….
I just kept saying that over and over, whatever he said I wasn’t, I reiterated that I was. I wasn’t the lies he told me…but integrating that is so much harder……..as the line in the Movie “Pretty Woman” ….”The bad stuff is easier to believe”….
There is truth to that………….I’m working on every single lie he projected to be the positives in my truth.
MY daughter is busy writing a poem for all of you here and has given me permission to post it to this site. I hope you all will find it as much of a blessing as it is to me. She is gifted in this area and this poem is so simple and brought forth as a result of her observations of my relationship with my POS.
Will post it sometime tonight.
LL
Hi LL<
I want to have that dinner with you and will fly to oregon to do so. It will be my treat. will have to work hard for that dinner and so will.
I like your posts to me so much. you all at LF are my angels
Thanks so much.
Thanks for helping me to pick up the pieces.
Hi Libelle,
Just spoke to Oxy and she told me we are in the same profession. Thanks for your advice.
can we talk on email for a bit, only if it is OK with you.
petitie
LL<
what is my escape hatch – cannot understand.
petite