The connection between love and politics—that was the topic of commentary in yesterday’s paper written by Gregory Rodriguez, a columnist for the Los Angeles Times. The article, Love and politics in a cynical age, got me thinking about the consistency of behavior.
Rodriguez summarized how Americans have come to view the private lives and public lives of the people we elect to represent us. He wrote:
The truth is that we don’t generally associate politics or politicians with happy marriages and deep romance, let alone fidelity. The constant revelation of scandals and peccadilloes in the halls of power have trained us to expect the worst of those—particularly the men—we elect to shepherd and protect the interests of society. Somewhere along the line, Americans have even bought into the notion that a politician’s private life, in particular his love life, has little or nothing to do with his efforts on behalf of the public good.
In other words, people seem to think that just because an elected official cheats on his spouse, it doesn’t mean we can’t trust him with our tax dollars.
Not everyone holds this view. Ross Perot, who ran for president in 1992, famously said that at his company, EDS, lying, cheating, stealing and adultery were all grounds for dismissal. If he were elected, he said, the same standard would apply. Perot said:
“If a man’s own wife cannot trust him, how can the American people?”
This, I think, is a legitimate question.
Different behavior
People often ask me if a sociopath will be “different” with a particular person. For example, can a sociopathic man who hates and harasses his ex-wife love his children? Can a sociopathic woman who takes advantage of her family be true to her new boyfriend?
The short answer is no. Exploitative people exploit anyone who has something that they want.
The long answer is that exploitative people may seem to authentically care for particular individuals, but it’s probably just part of an overall scheme of manipulation. The sociopath is just softening up the target, preparing for the right time to strike.
Here is one of the most dangerous thoughts we can ever have: “Well, yes, he (or she) treated that person badly, but he’ll never do that to me!”
Remember: The best indication of future behavior is past behavior. If you know that a person has behaved in a deceitful or exploitative way towards someone else, sooner or later, the person will behave that way towards you.
Compartmentalize
So why do we compartmentalize? Why do people seem to believe that how our elected officials conduct their private lives has nothing to do with how they conduct their public lives? Why is it that when we hear of a powerful person who has a solid marriage, we are surprised?
Maybe we’re beaten down. Maybe we’re totally disillusioned. After all, stories of deceit, betrayal and treachery have been around as long as humans have told stories. Maybe we hear of so many scandals—from cheating spouses to tax dollars wasted—that we simply expect the worst of people.
Perhaps public life has simply gotten too easy in America. It’s not like the Revolutionary War, when men risked their lives and fortunes to stand up to the British. No, politics today is all talk and no consequences. That makes it an excellent career choice for sociopaths—all they have to do is be charming, charismatic and deceitful.
Sociopaths, after all, want power, control and sex. By getting elected, they have access to everything they want.
Liu Xiaobo
That’s why it’s so refreshing to hear about people, in this day and age, fighting the good fight from a foundation of love.
In the article that I quoted in the beginning of this post, the author, Gregory Rodriguez, also wrote about Liu Xiaobo. Liu is the Chinese dissident who recently won the Nobel Peace Prize. He, of course, was viewed as a subversive criminal by the Chinese government, and was not allowed to go to Norway and accept the prize. Rodriguez explained how his absence was handled in Oslo:
Actress Liv Ullmann read aloud the statement Liu released last December as he was awaiting trial for “inciting subversion of state power.” At the top, he sermonized against hatred (“enmity can poison a nation’s spirit”), but his ending was an exquisite love letter to his wife, Liu Xia.
“I am sentenced to a visible prison,” he wrote, “while you are waiting in an invisible one. Your love is sunlight that transcends prison walls and bars, stroking every inch of my skin, warming my every cell, letting me maintain my inner calm, magnanimous and bright, so that every minute in prison is full of meaning. But my love for you is full of guilt and regret, sometimes heavy enough to hobble my steps. I am a hard stone in the wilderness, putting up with the pummeling of raging storms, and too cold for anyone to dare touch. But my love is hard, sharp, and can penetrate any obstacles. Even if I am crushed into powder, I will embrace you with the ashes.”
Rodriguez viewed Liu’s words to his wife as a sign of passion and commitment, and the bad behavior in the private lives of elected officials as the opposite. The point, Rodriguez wrote, is that love begins at home.
How people conduct their private lives is absolutely relevant to whether or not they should be elected. People who cannot be trusted by their most intimate loved ones cannot be trusted by anyone. And people who feel genuine love and compassion for their families can extend their love and compassion for the greater good.
Hi girls. I don’t want to meddle because i haven’t completely followed Petite’s story but if she’s really looking for excuses despite those big red flags (married, confusing man, etc) maybe it’s because she feels attracted sexually and she just wants an affair.
It is something i would not do knowing what i know today about psychopathy. But if she haven’t been with any psychopath she can’t know with certainty how painful for the psyche they can be.
Eva, I thought of that also. But she seems to have wanted a relationship with him, not an affair. I agree, if you haven’t been with a psychopath you don’t know what the potential for extreme damage is. I don’t know if this guy is a psychopath but do think he’s not a good prospect for a relationship. He’s a serial cheater, liar, etc. Not much of a ‘prize.’ She’s attractive and accomplished; there are many men who would want to get to know her. This guy seems to play a whole lot of games.
Yes Masada i’m convinced too he’s not good even if he’s not an inborn psychopath but i’m sure petite doesn’t believe in fairy tales. Cronical cheaters are good for nothing except sex and the decision is up to petite. It’s a pity to fuck an asshole having good men but it’s her decision. At least she has information enough about how to get rid of him in case he ended being in fact an asshole.
Learned….
I was exactly where you are now….twice. As I told you before, in April of 2009, I had my “breakdown”. I couldn’t go back to my job, because he worked there, and so much went down because of him…long story…everyone there was turning on me, because I defended him on an issue. The pressure was overwhelming and I had a giant anxiety attack on the highway. I ended up going to my doctor, and took a leave of absence…and never went back after that. I was lucky, because I ended up getting injured…and couldn’t go back and ended up on disability. Not lucky for the injury, but God works in weird ways! The injury saved me. Emotionally, I was a wreck.
From June until October…I was where you are now. Only I went back for round two after the 5 months of NC! I needed answers. Five months with him again…I got my answers…he continued to lie. So, by Feb 2010, it was over.
In that time, from Feb till July, I was NC again. From Feb to April…I was exactly where you are now…once again. So, I went with it. I sat on my laptop for hours..journalling…reading and posting on here….and pampering myself. Doing nothing. Barely could do the dishes. My kids helped me a lot. Then, when spring sprung, I joined a gym and ventured back out into the world. I was still obsessed with thinking about him and the whole thing. But, little by little…I was feeling better.
In July I had surgery and was on percoset..and I answered a text…which he had been sending all along.
We met and I went back as “friends”..no sex. It didn’t last because I realized that he wasn’t a “friend”…was still lying and sneaky. I refused to see him and didn’t see him very much…only if he offered to take me out.
From July to New Years….while still talking to him and seeing him every now and then….I really saw him objectively for the first time in 3 years.
I realized that I didn’t even “like” him anymore. I didn’t enjoy talking to him…I didn’t enjoy his company when we went out…so I totally ended it New Years Eve….he gave me some “gifts”…(crumbs)…knowing I was pulling away…and then I just never answered his calls or text on New Years Day.
So, I feel fine now. I don’t have any interest in talking to him…I don’t want his “friendship”….because its not real.
I popped out of the “fantasy” that I had a man who cared about me. I don’t even know how…but I totally lost interest in the pathetic game he was still playing.
I have been spending a lot of time with my sister, my best friend, and my girlfriends…and my girls. When I think of him…I have NO anger, pity, compassion for him. I’m “indifferent”. I know what he is…disordered, and I don’t want him in my life. I could care less what he is doing in his life…which is definitely the same as he always does…living off of his brother…buying impulsively….and creating drama on his job. Same as it ever was..I’m sure.
I don’t want any part of anyone who doesn’t truly care about me. Its my New Years Resolution….If you don’t care about ME, and you don’t “love” me…I don’t want you in my life!
I’m 53, (look a lot younger) and I’m focusing on ME ME ME now, as I did twice before. Everytime I cut him out of my life and focused on me…all good things came into my life and happenned to me. When I got “Satan” out of my life…God took over.
I’m just telling you this, because its what worked for me. When I felt down…and full of anxiety after the breakups…I went with it. I pampered myself…ate what I felt like…slept all day….watched dishes sitting in the sink for days…lol
I gave myself a “break” that I deserved. I journalled my feelings or called a true friend to talk about it.
Soon, I stopped hibernating and ventured out to join a gym…met nice people…and felt better. I saw a future full of happiness and closed my eyes and meditated on it. I envisioned myself the way I wanted to be…fit, happy, and surrounded by people who love me.
And, each time…it was happenning. I only stopped feeling peaceful when I went back with him. So…I made a conscious choice to eliminate him from my life…and I could care less who he is with, because eventually that person will see through him and, if not…I could care less…if he is happy or sad. HIS life is no concern of mine anymore. He is dead, in my eyes…left the earth. Because, he is no longer in MY world.
I just KNOW that I will attract a good, healthy, honest man into my life someday. Right now, …I just want to continue to lose weight, get into shape and work on ME.
So, there is hope. Those obsessive thoughts about what happenned, who he really was…alll the confusion..is GONE.
You just have to go THROUGH it…unfortunately. I had to..but I pampered myself through it all. And, in time, I was not even waking up thinking of him.
You need to make up your mind…to just move on and work on YOU…its YOUR life and we only get one life! I decided not to waste my life on figuring HIM out…This site did that for me.
I started to work on ME…started to read books …spiritual ones..to reconnect with who “I” really am…to learn to live in the NOW and be happy, to learn how to conquer negative thoughts….(Louise Hay..You Can Heal Your Life)…and I realized that all my illnesses and pain in my body, was brought on by my THOUGHTS! I learned that I could create a totally different life. I just listened to my body and when I felt a pain somewhere…I knew my thoughts were not right.
So, I made the effort to change my thoughts and focus on positive things…listened to positive things…like ways to get healthy, fit, and peaceful.
Its all about ME ME ME ME ME!!! This is key to healing.
Make believe he is dead…what would you do? You would go on….you would start a new life…
I hope this helps. There is HOPE and there ARE good people out there…you can attract all of this into your life..if you learn how. Its all about changing your negative thoughts.
Byron Katie…teaches you how. But, it takes work.
If you are willing to do the work, you will change your entire life. Check out her website…and study her “work”.
I hope this helped.
Thanks Eva and Masada,
no excuses, no addictions. aware of red flags. convinced he is a S and will not change for me.
Sure, eventually he will not ask if I put him up in a hotel.
this is not about him, it is about me, I would feel bad that I had offered him to be my house guest and now I said – please stay in a hotel. This is just me, I won’t be able to handle it. It has nothing to do with my feelings for the dream he offered me, which I know is a lie.
I have gone emotional NC with him moment I was convinced he was a S, he is aware my communication with him has changed.
thanks so much for your care.
petite
to be,
Thank you for sharing that with me.
I think part of my problem is that I’m NOT comfortable with where I’m at. In other words, just letting it be, ya know? I feel RAW right now, still very early NC. I’m so anxiety ridden everytime I leave my home. I’m in tons of pain and I don’t want to risk running into him right now. I have lots of school work to do, so that helps alot, but I don’t know what to do about the intrustive thoughts. It about drives me NUTS!!! It’s like a mantra over and over and over…”he’s disordered’….pure and simple. I’m hoping it will integrate soon. I’m very tired, physically from all of it. I’m learning how to take care of me and just not allow anything that would be disruptive into my life. I can’t handle much of anything right now. I’ll be reading and reading this site for awhile. But it’s going to take some time before I feel safe in the world again.
I’m having to learn PATIENCE with myself as well as self FORGIVENESS, realizing that the only person who is going to take care of me, is me.
It’s a start.
LL
Lesson –
About the persistant coughing: this is just a thought, but I had a similar thing between 2003 – 2007. I kept getting bouts of bronchitis that quickly turned into bronchial pneumonia, averaging around 2 to 3 times a year (the pneumonia). My immune system was shot from the constant stress of living with the spath plus I worked with children, so I was always exposed to germs and I would catch them regularly and then bake them into something even bigger in my poor old body.
Anyhow, I got so tired of being given prescription after prescription for antibiotics, which would “work” for a couple of months and then it would happen all over again. The doctors tried various drugs, but nothing seemed to really break the cycle. One morning (if you are the queasy type, look away now because this next bit is a bit gross…) whilst hacking up the usual complement of what I would describe as the “green balls that bounce”, and struggling to breathe, I got angry that the doctors had not been able to offer me any long-term solution. (I have never smoked anything in my life and was of average weight and fitness for my age, etc.) So I went into the kitchen and grabbed one of those little “zip-lock” plastic snack bags and the next time I starting hacking, I hacked into the plastic bag and zipped it shut. I took the bag along to my doctor that day. I threw it on his desk and told him I wanted him to send it to the lab for testing, to find out exactly WHAT was living in my lungs and making me so sick all of the time. He did, with surprising results.
I had an overgrowth of a bug that lives inside ALL our lungs and usually causes no bother, unless you develop CPD or some other lung disease. The bug is called “Moraxella Catarrhalis”. They couldn’t work out why I had so much of it, but after a few days on a completely different drug that specifically targetted that bug, I got better. Despite the next 3 years of trauma and other illness, and even though up until 8 months ago I was still working with grotty, germ-ridden little kids, I never again got bronchitis or pneumonia. In fact, in the past 3 years since taking that drug, I think I have only had 2 mild colds/flus. So – it just might be worth checking out.
petite-
“we had to planned to be together at a meeting in USA in April this year. I already send him a email last week telling him I will not be attending the meeting as I have to spend time with my Mom. he said he was sorry to hear about it and would like to meet me, I never replied…..I cancelled my flight bookings and will be going elsewhere at that time.”
This is a very wise decision.
I, too, agree with the posters above who have suggested that the ideal protection for you in your situation, would be to book him into a hotel for the upcoming conference. I understand the reasons that you think it would be too hard for you to do so, however I do believe that you should give it some more thought. There’s still time to change the arrangements, and despite your concerns about the appearance of rudeness or the withdrawal of your hospitality, you actually do NOT owe him any explanation. Think on it some more.
Tobehappy –
“We met and I went back as “friends”..no sex. It didn’t last because I realized that he wasn’t a “friend—was still lying and sneaky. ”
It is simply not possible to convert to “just being friends” with ANYONE who has been toxic to us and CONTINUES to live their life the same way, even if it seems that they are no longer in a position to hurt us anymore. This is never the case more than when that toxic person is a sociopath of any degree. Their underlying agenda remains unchanged, even if set-up looks different from the outside.
I’m going to step away from my computer for a moment to look something up, so that I can come back here and reprint part of the lyrics from a song that I played over and over to myself as a reminder that I would feel no more pity for my spath, but that I would save it all up for someone who deserved it – me. Back soon.
Help me breathe,
Help me believe,
You seem really glad that I am sad.
You are not my friend,
I cannot pretend that you are.
You made it sting,
Your voice is ringing,
Just like the boys who laughed at me in school.
You are not my friend,
I cannot pretend anymore.
You found a place,
No one should ever go.
I’ll be ok,
’cause when I back away,
I’m gonna keep the handle of your gun in sight.
(Norah Jones)
Petite,
I genuinely care about you and your situation. I understand why folks here are so frustrated with you.
I’m having a hard time in my own life right now. I’m NC COMPLETELY and it’s still very early in the game for me right now. I have shared with you ad nauseum, my perspective about all of this. I don’t think there is much more that I can share with you. I think you know what to do and how to do it now.
I have to pay attention to my healing and my life now. I see how this situation is triggering me. I think by reading my posts you can pretty well guess what will happen if you stay plugged in. In retrospect Petite, there was nothing anyone could say to me that would have truly stopped me from being with this man. I had to find out for myself and look what happened. If you have the blessing of really integrating this into your heart and mind, you’ll do what’s right. If there is even an OUNCE of doubt on your part about him, it won’t matter what any of us say to you. It is you that needs to be convinced that he’s what he is, Petite. If you can honestly see what’s going on and see him for what he is, as well as your own motives for wanting to be with him, from emotional to sexual attraction, you’ll have a better perspective on the DRIVE that makes you doubt. They are VERY good at what they do. I’m still sexually attracted to mine. It was part of the game for him, even while I know sex was just sex for him, it was mechanics, etc, but one of the things I know I will miss IS the sex. PERIOD. Part of the reason that will be missed is because I might not EVER have another relationship again. That is scary for me as he was familiar. I’m praying to get past that, because FEAR makes me VULNERABLE….the FEAR is something I need to deal with as well as the HOPE that there will EVER be any of that again. When I focus on what he is, sex isn’t all that great in my mind………..WITH HIM…..
I could go on and on, petite and I have.
But I can’t do this anymore. I have to concentrate on me now.
It’s my sincere hope and great prayer that you will find the answers in your heart to be comfortable enough to SEE what he is and that you DON”T want this man in your life any longer.
You DON”T want to live this pain,Petite. And its a guarantee, that if you continue with him, you will be right where I am now. No bueno, Chica.
Blessings
LL
you have given me a lot of good advice, long long posts way past midnight Oregon time. I am very grateful to you.
you need to rest and take care of your health and studies.
Have faith in me, I will heed your advice and my success with disengaging with the S will be my gift to you.
you please focus on yourself and get strong – slowly but surely you will. you are in my prayers.
petite