The connection between love and politics—that was the topic of commentary in yesterday’s paper written by Gregory Rodriguez, a columnist for the Los Angeles Times. The article, Love and politics in a cynical age, got me thinking about the consistency of behavior.
Rodriguez summarized how Americans have come to view the private lives and public lives of the people we elect to represent us. He wrote:
The truth is that we don’t generally associate politics or politicians with happy marriages and deep romance, let alone fidelity. The constant revelation of scandals and peccadilloes in the halls of power have trained us to expect the worst of those—particularly the men—we elect to shepherd and protect the interests of society. Somewhere along the line, Americans have even bought into the notion that a politician’s private life, in particular his love life, has little or nothing to do with his efforts on behalf of the public good.
In other words, people seem to think that just because an elected official cheats on his spouse, it doesn’t mean we can’t trust him with our tax dollars.
Not everyone holds this view. Ross Perot, who ran for president in 1992, famously said that at his company, EDS, lying, cheating, stealing and adultery were all grounds for dismissal. If he were elected, he said, the same standard would apply. Perot said:
“If a man’s own wife cannot trust him, how can the American people?”
This, I think, is a legitimate question.
Different behavior
People often ask me if a sociopath will be “different” with a particular person. For example, can a sociopathic man who hates and harasses his ex-wife love his children? Can a sociopathic woman who takes advantage of her family be true to her new boyfriend?
The short answer is no. Exploitative people exploit anyone who has something that they want.
The long answer is that exploitative people may seem to authentically care for particular individuals, but it’s probably just part of an overall scheme of manipulation. The sociopath is just softening up the target, preparing for the right time to strike.
Here is one of the most dangerous thoughts we can ever have: “Well, yes, he (or she) treated that person badly, but he’ll never do that to me!”
Remember: The best indication of future behavior is past behavior. If you know that a person has behaved in a deceitful or exploitative way towards someone else, sooner or later, the person will behave that way towards you.
Compartmentalize
So why do we compartmentalize? Why do people seem to believe that how our elected officials conduct their private lives has nothing to do with how they conduct their public lives? Why is it that when we hear of a powerful person who has a solid marriage, we are surprised?
Maybe we’re beaten down. Maybe we’re totally disillusioned. After all, stories of deceit, betrayal and treachery have been around as long as humans have told stories. Maybe we hear of so many scandals—from cheating spouses to tax dollars wasted—that we simply expect the worst of people.
Perhaps public life has simply gotten too easy in America. It’s not like the Revolutionary War, when men risked their lives and fortunes to stand up to the British. No, politics today is all talk and no consequences. That makes it an excellent career choice for sociopaths—all they have to do is be charming, charismatic and deceitful.
Sociopaths, after all, want power, control and sex. By getting elected, they have access to everything they want.
Liu Xiaobo
That’s why it’s so refreshing to hear about people, in this day and age, fighting the good fight from a foundation of love.
In the article that I quoted in the beginning of this post, the author, Gregory Rodriguez, also wrote about Liu Xiaobo. Liu is the Chinese dissident who recently won the Nobel Peace Prize. He, of course, was viewed as a subversive criminal by the Chinese government, and was not allowed to go to Norway and accept the prize. Rodriguez explained how his absence was handled in Oslo:
Actress Liv Ullmann read aloud the statement Liu released last December as he was awaiting trial for “inciting subversion of state power.” At the top, he sermonized against hatred (“enmity can poison a nation’s spirit”), but his ending was an exquisite love letter to his wife, Liu Xia.
“I am sentenced to a visible prison,” he wrote, “while you are waiting in an invisible one. Your love is sunlight that transcends prison walls and bars, stroking every inch of my skin, warming my every cell, letting me maintain my inner calm, magnanimous and bright, so that every minute in prison is full of meaning. But my love for you is full of guilt and regret, sometimes heavy enough to hobble my steps. I am a hard stone in the wilderness, putting up with the pummeling of raging storms, and too cold for anyone to dare touch. But my love is hard, sharp, and can penetrate any obstacles. Even if I am crushed into powder, I will embrace you with the ashes.”
Rodriguez viewed Liu’s words to his wife as a sign of passion and commitment, and the bad behavior in the private lives of elected officials as the opposite. The point, Rodriguez wrote, is that love begins at home.
How people conduct their private lives is absolutely relevant to whether or not they should be elected. People who cannot be trusted by their most intimate loved ones cannot be trusted by anyone. And people who feel genuine love and compassion for their families can extend their love and compassion for the greater good.
Well skylar what you did is a form of abuse; a form of bullying. You know zero about that man, his 9 children, or that woman. You have no idea if he truly has been sober or not or anything else about their lives.
And you casually pull the “that person is a psychopath” like a gun. Talking about your own abuser is one thing but to label that woman what you did based on nothing more than a few statements with nothing else to go on is beyond wrong, it is abusive. We learn in kindergarten that name calling is not nice yet here you are calling a stranger the absolute worst thing you could call her. Terms like “they”, “not human”, “untreatable”, “evil”, “never change”, and others, are all things commonly applied to that term by people on LF and you just dumped that on her.
And when called on it your response is “but one day, you will see what I’m talking about. You’ll run into one and the mask will drop and then you will have an aha! moment and you will remember.” ”“ You first make assumptions that only you have “run into one”. Love the hubris. You are seeing what you want to see.
FYI she does, though maybe not in that interview, say she is proud of him, wants and hopes for the best for him, cares about him, etc.
“Even as Julia Williams hugged her son Thursday, the stress she had endured because of her son’s hard life was apparent. “I love you, too, son. “
Blogger, perhaps you can set me straight, but I do not feel that I’m bullying someone who I’m not talking to and is not aware of my opinion. I’m further not inciting violence against her. Only suggested that she be looked at as an example.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1084950/
“Rachel getting married” is a movie which portrays a similar narcissist. And the narcissist is not the drug addicted girl. It is the mother, but you would completeley miss that fact if you didn’t know the signs. The drug addiction, fighting and the drama in the other family members DISTRACT from the true problem which is the mother, who appears to have a perfect, calm and stable life. Fascinating movie, fascinating cinematography, ingenious for a portrayal of a narcissist who does damage and then slithers away unnoticed. Before my “awakening”, I would not have noticed it.
I wonder if you would be able to see what I perceive in this movie or if you would also dismiss my take on it? At least, in this case, I don’t think you would be as offended, since the narcissist is just a character portrayal.
I’m not offended by your taking offense to my post – I don’t have boundaries to offend – I do appreciate your reply because it gives me the information that I’m looking for: do other people notice this stuff? The answer is no.
I recently met a woman who cried on my shoulder about her upbringing and abandonment by her parents. She is 82. It appears that her drug addicted children and 25-years younger husband are all taking advantage of her and left her in the poor house. Took me a year to figure out that she is manipulating all of them – but she’s such a sweet old lady…
Watch the movie if you can, it’s amazing.
Ox, Kim, thanks for the feedback.
I’m sorry to keep bringing this up, but this keeps coming up in my head and there is a reason for that within, but I have not yet pinpointed it yet.
The most difficult thing in getting past this is the reality that he’s having sex with another woman. Images of he and I being sexual and then he and she being sexual are intrustive and painful. They are the MOST of all the images that continue to come to mind, the sexual part of the relationship. Now how can this be? WHY would this be? Is it my perceptions of sex? I wonder about that because I bent myself into a pretzel trying to please him sexually. Learned alot about myself sexually (ok, NOT a bad thing but…), and he used that to keep me in the relationshit. That sex was the most meaningful connection that we shared, even though, for the most part, it was mechanical and infrequent kissing/eye contact, I still enjoyed the mechanics of it. Something dawned on me after talking with last love bomb attempt. It wounded me deeply and is the hardest part of all of this to accept. He told love bomb through the pity ploy, that his wife would NOT give him sex, and that SHE was a prude and sexually dysfunctional, that he WOULD have done all the things that would be considered sexually hot in the bedroom but never got the chance! Okay so WTF??? This is a huge WTF on so many levels that it was no less than SHOCKING when I heard it. I couldn’t believe it. And it’s been so wounding to try to integrate. I felt sexually exploited and abused. I gave the best of myself to someone who saw me merely as an object. Never once was I mentioned. I think it’s not hard to figure out the why of that….given that it’s probably not a good image maker for dating is it? With all the comments made to me on how he thought our sex life was so great….then towards the end, it just felt like sex for sex……I can’t recall who mentioned it and it was on another thread I saw yesterday about now that he was divorced, I was moving into “wife” mode. Well, he won’t have an issue rushing someone else to marriage….the hurt of having been exploited that way, then as if I never existed, while he plays victim of his wife’s sexuality is sickening to me. But still thoughts in my head go on and on about him having sex with someone else, building a connection….but not all the other crap that goes with it. Does this make sense? I do not know how to counter those images or what to say to myself about them. The thought of him with her, is nauseating to me. Is painful to me. I can’t imagine how his poor wife must have felt…..just so many lies….I feel so exposed and this may be why I feel so anxiety ridden when I see him, so triggered in even thinking about being out and about town with him around and his new gf here. He got the best of me. I feel like I’ve been taken to a huge extent given what sex really means to me and what it means to ME with him. I can never get back what I gave. Ever. And it is a deep pain and sorrow for me. To add insult to injury is that I love sex and will miss it. Just the basic sex, I’m sure I’m not alone on having felt this way during the earliest portions of recovery, but i’m not certain I could ever give myself to another man again. Nor that I really want too.
Any feedback on this would be really good too. I feel if I can find some way to jump this major hurdle, I’ll be well on my way to recovery a lot faster.
Thanks for letting me vent something so personal and private.
Sky,
I think your response to Bloggers post was nothing short of brilliant.
For so many reasons.
lessonlearned said,”The sex was the most meaningful connection that we shared”
It was meaningful to you- not to him. It was meaningful to you because of the OXYTOCIN which was being fired at a most excessive rate which caused you to feel that you were “bonding” with him- just what he wanted.
He is not having a “Connection” with anyone else, he is merely using them for his own benefit as he did with you. If I were you, i’d feel sorry for the next woman he’s taking advantage of. The sexual part HURTS, I won’t doubt that- it’s a trauma in and of itself. Here you were thinking you were sharing something meaningful, something intimate with someone special, but it turns out you were having sex and projecting your “empathy” and own fantasies of love and Knight in Shining armor on a pathetic excuse for a man- a robot, a predator.
You enjoyed the mechanics of it because you were seeing him as other than he was. Imagine that- even the sex was an illusion! If you’d realized that the guy you were in bed with thought nothing more of you than a blow up sex doll than you would have been repulsed! And that’s what you need to reinforce.
Matt discussed this in another post- this is an area that needs healing of itself and can’t be ignored. He said, something along the lines of- our sexual identity is an important part of ourselves. I think you have to validate your sexuality and ACKNOWLEDGE ( as you have already) that something precious was decimated, and ravaged. He RAPED an innocent part of you, which you gave freely because you thought you were involved in a real intimacy- when in truth it was a sham.
He’s a robot and he uses women like men use porn to get themselves off. He is NOT building a connection with ANYONE- he is using them, he feels no emotions and no connections, it is all the same, don’t try and fool yourself otherwise. He has a trail of victims behind him and is only creating more.
He may have rendered your perception of sex as wretched and unsalvageable but as with all facets of our woundedness, these things too will heal. It SHOULD be painful and there is no way to get around the pain except to go through it. And there will be a release as you realize that although he WILLFULLY and maliciously took advantage of your sexuality amongst other things- he did not destroy it because he is not capable of that, despite how big his ego is.
Ok Sky, if you think it is ok to call someone abusive, derogatory things as long as they are not aware of it, well so be it.
Dear Learned,
NEWS FLASH! SEX FEELS GOOD! So, that was a connection that you had with him, AND not only a “connection” but a BONDING because the sex releases bonding hormones in YOU at least.
It is why people “do sex” because it FEELS GOOD and we BOND to our partners. DUH! That is why you have these thoughts and why they are difficult to control. Can we say ADDICTION, PLEASURE CENTERS OF THE BRAIN and a few other choice phrases? Of course, we can because it is NATURAL REACTION to pleasure.
Know why we gain weight in the winter time? Because carbs release feel good chemicals in our bodies, so does sunlight and so does sex! Runners get the “runner’s high” and there are all kinds of things that make our “feel good” centers light up. SEX is a big one of those things.
So, what you are going to have to do is to work on controlling those emotions that go with the thoughts.
Fortunately our brains are programmed to only look at ONE FILE AT A TIME, so when you find yourself looking at the “great sex” file, put it away, and take out another file and THINK ABOUT THE OTHER FILE, and it will take 60-90 seconds for your emotions to change. It works, give it a try! You may have to sing “Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb, Mary had a little lamb” until you scream but as long as you are thinking about something else, your brain cant’ go to the other place. Keep the INTERNAL DIALOG thinking about other things and talking about other things. You can also “reason with” yourself and sit down in a chair and face an empty chair and “talk” to the other chair like it is your inner self, or him, or whoever you want to talk to. Try lots of different techniques until you find one that works for you! (((Hugs))))
Thanks Lesson,
the movie is fascinating. do rent it if you can.
ALL people who put themselves in the public eye are opening themselves to public comment. We state derogatory opinions on other public figures, here on LF all the time. And it has never been considered abuse -until now, why is that?
Even when we post here, anonymously but in public, we are opening ourselves up to commentary by other posters, as you and I have both done in just this exchange. Abusive, in my opinion, is when you say something that is meant to create a bad feeling in the person you are referring to. I have no intent to affect that woman in any way and I don’t believe that she will be affected by my opinion or any opinion on LF. We should never say things with the intent to hurt others, I certainly DO agree with you on that.
Dear learned,
you mentioned a problem that was HUGE for me too! The sex was stellar at first, and then it was the “no go” for me as soon as I realized (and he said so too!) that he sees me as an Escort. I thought for me: well boy I am way too expensive! and left. And I was feeling awful and terrible, was really craving.
In the same time I was proud of myself being able to experience such great feelings as they are mine and mine only, he cannot reach or even try to feel THAT! And if I should die and not have felt those feelings againg, so what. I had felt them, and nothing can take that away from me. And I am so glad to be proud enough to resist those “pleasures” that come along with humiliation, in short have a BIG prize tag on to them.
Glad you are out!!!
Those bastards use sex in a way to control, and that is the awful thing. They get us addicted and then take it away!
((((hugs))))
libelle LL, you are right. I was hooked! It was brill at first and then it went from days to weeks! I missed that closeness cos that was the only time that I felt I had him (but I didn’t really) no tv or distractions. I loved that snuggle at bedtime (it was always me snuggling him looking back)
As caring people I think we like that physical contact. There was no real cuddly time on the sofa or anything like that so bedtime was the best time for me.
I pronounce him guilty by abstainance!