The connection between love and politics—that was the topic of commentary in yesterday’s paper written by Gregory Rodriguez, a columnist for the Los Angeles Times. The article, Love and politics in a cynical age, got me thinking about the consistency of behavior.
Rodriguez summarized how Americans have come to view the private lives and public lives of the people we elect to represent us. He wrote:
The truth is that we don’t generally associate politics or politicians with happy marriages and deep romance, let alone fidelity. The constant revelation of scandals and peccadilloes in the halls of power have trained us to expect the worst of those—particularly the men—we elect to shepherd and protect the interests of society. Somewhere along the line, Americans have even bought into the notion that a politician’s private life, in particular his love life, has little or nothing to do with his efforts on behalf of the public good.
In other words, people seem to think that just because an elected official cheats on his spouse, it doesn’t mean we can’t trust him with our tax dollars.
Not everyone holds this view. Ross Perot, who ran for president in 1992, famously said that at his company, EDS, lying, cheating, stealing and adultery were all grounds for dismissal. If he were elected, he said, the same standard would apply. Perot said:
“If a man’s own wife cannot trust him, how can the American people?”
This, I think, is a legitimate question.
Different behavior
People often ask me if a sociopath will be “different” with a particular person. For example, can a sociopathic man who hates and harasses his ex-wife love his children? Can a sociopathic woman who takes advantage of her family be true to her new boyfriend?
The short answer is no. Exploitative people exploit anyone who has something that they want.
The long answer is that exploitative people may seem to authentically care for particular individuals, but it’s probably just part of an overall scheme of manipulation. The sociopath is just softening up the target, preparing for the right time to strike.
Here is one of the most dangerous thoughts we can ever have: “Well, yes, he (or she) treated that person badly, but he’ll never do that to me!”
Remember: The best indication of future behavior is past behavior. If you know that a person has behaved in a deceitful or exploitative way towards someone else, sooner or later, the person will behave that way towards you.
Compartmentalize
So why do we compartmentalize? Why do people seem to believe that how our elected officials conduct their private lives has nothing to do with how they conduct their public lives? Why is it that when we hear of a powerful person who has a solid marriage, we are surprised?
Maybe we’re beaten down. Maybe we’re totally disillusioned. After all, stories of deceit, betrayal and treachery have been around as long as humans have told stories. Maybe we hear of so many scandals—from cheating spouses to tax dollars wasted—that we simply expect the worst of people.
Perhaps public life has simply gotten too easy in America. It’s not like the Revolutionary War, when men risked their lives and fortunes to stand up to the British. No, politics today is all talk and no consequences. That makes it an excellent career choice for sociopaths—all they have to do is be charming, charismatic and deceitful.
Sociopaths, after all, want power, control and sex. By getting elected, they have access to everything they want.
Liu Xiaobo
That’s why it’s so refreshing to hear about people, in this day and age, fighting the good fight from a foundation of love.
In the article that I quoted in the beginning of this post, the author, Gregory Rodriguez, also wrote about Liu Xiaobo. Liu is the Chinese dissident who recently won the Nobel Peace Prize. He, of course, was viewed as a subversive criminal by the Chinese government, and was not allowed to go to Norway and accept the prize. Rodriguez explained how his absence was handled in Oslo:
Actress Liv Ullmann read aloud the statement Liu released last December as he was awaiting trial for “inciting subversion of state power.” At the top, he sermonized against hatred (“enmity can poison a nation’s spirit”), but his ending was an exquisite love letter to his wife, Liu Xia.
“I am sentenced to a visible prison,” he wrote, “while you are waiting in an invisible one. Your love is sunlight that transcends prison walls and bars, stroking every inch of my skin, warming my every cell, letting me maintain my inner calm, magnanimous and bright, so that every minute in prison is full of meaning. But my love for you is full of guilt and regret, sometimes heavy enough to hobble my steps. I am a hard stone in the wilderness, putting up with the pummeling of raging storms, and too cold for anyone to dare touch. But my love is hard, sharp, and can penetrate any obstacles. Even if I am crushed into powder, I will embrace you with the ashes.”
Rodriguez viewed Liu’s words to his wife as a sign of passion and commitment, and the bad behavior in the private lives of elected officials as the opposite. The point, Rodriguez wrote, is that love begins at home.
How people conduct their private lives is absolutely relevant to whether or not they should be elected. People who cannot be trusted by their most intimate loved ones cannot be trusted by anyone. And people who feel genuine love and compassion for their families can extend their love and compassion for the greater good.
BloggerT we were posting over each other….Yep, that is why long distance runners actually wear socks that are short topped and they cut the handles off their toothbrushes so the weight is less.
A story that was related to me by my P son, Actually, was about something similar. It was if you are say crossing the great plains of the country like Lewis and Clark, and you come to a river, and you must stop and build a RAFT to get across. You work hard at building this raft, cutting logs and tying them together with vines and build a wonderfully functional raft to get across that river. You pile your belongings on the raft and float across the river, get to the other side. What do you do with the RAFT?
You have put so much work and workmanship into the raft to build it so functional and well, and you know that you will encounter OTHER RIVERS on your journey, but you must leave that RAFT behind on the bank of that river, and when you come to a new river, you stop to build another raft. You can’t drag that old raft along with you, it has served its purpose, it has done its job and you must leave it behind or it will weight you down so that you can never get through the mountains.
Some things that are functional for us in some situations in our lives become DEAD WEIGHTS if we drag them along with us. We must change and adapt and grow as we move through life. Sometimes though I want so desperately to hang on to the RAFTS from the past that worked so well, but they drag me down, and I have to learn new ways of doing things.
I too have been very impressed by the things that some people have endured and survived, and I am amazed that they can do so.
Dr. Viktor Frankl’s book “Man’s search for meaning” helped me to realize that each of us has pain that we experience as TOTAL pain, and that “your” pain is no worse or better than mine, that each of us experience pain as total pain. So if “you” have lost more than I have it doesn’t mean your pain is any “worse” than mine, or vice versa, just simply that we have ALL LOST THINGS THAT MEANT A GREAT DEAL TO US and that our pain is great.
A baby drops a pacifier and cries his little heart out at the loss, his loss is TOTAL, his pain is TOTAL. I think we are the same way in experiencing our own pain of loss. Understanding that others have not “lost more” or “lost less” I think was a big help to me in my own journey toward healing. As I was reading Dr. Frankl’s book after he had spent YEARS in a Nazi concentration camp and LOST EVERYTHING and suffered so much, I felt “why am I whining about my losses? I didn’t lose anything compared to him.” But then he wrote about the TOTALITY of loss of each of us and how pain expands to FILL THE VOID of the container, just like a gas does, and I understood why even though his losses were so great, he came out of those losses with a kind and caring spirit, not a hateful and vengeful soul. Healing I think is a spiritual journey as well as a physical and a mental one. Dr. Frankl showed me that.
Ox,
THAT was a beautiful post! I have heard of his story before, I need to read that book! Boy, that’s one thing I sure have missed…I use to read A LOT…but with POS’s antics doing ANYTHING I enjoyed was hard, except school, well that was hard too because he made it almost IMPOSSIBLE to endure it!
I’m gettin there. Great post!
Yes, it is good for ourselves to be flexible because it’s true what you Oxy and Lesson say that we’re in constant changing and evolution, not like psychopaths that the poor things do not change a bit in their whole life 😀
And i agree with Blogger that psychos are not the only dangerous desordered. They’re not at all the whole of pederasts, rapists, killers and so on. Psychopaths that make those crimes are, i suppose, often stopped quicky The subtle ones are more numerous, “less” dangerous and not so easy to spot. These are the ones that intrigue me.
LL,
With juvenile sex offenders it often can different than with adult sex offenders though the recidivism rate ( in this case I am meaning committing another sex offense not just another crime) is not as high as many people think it is for some and for juveniles there is even a better chance that things can be worked out. Of course there are those that commit hundreds of offenses and will continue to do so, in prison our out. I have worked with sex offenders as young as 12 and what we termed “loss of life” offenders (meaning homicide) as young as 9. The good thing about children is that they are not “finished” so to speak. They have not matured and have a lot of changes going on. So while that makes things difficult because it is like trying to hit a moving target in some regards but it is also a positive when it comes to changes. With that said, I have worked with juveniles that committed crimes that would give people nightmares and they were apathetic about the whole thing.
I am getting ready for a symposium at the end of this month I am helping to present to a group of mental health professionals and one piece of that is juvenile sex offenders, (though it is about female sex offenders overall) so I have just been going through the current research done in 2010.
As for my profession, I just say I am in a helping profession, though obviously some folks know who I am. One of the reasons I do that is because there are times where the patients have no choice but to see me (which is bad enough in itself) but I don’t want to make any of them uncomfortable because they know me and have read stuff and they then feel uncomfortable but still are forced to see me. Now if they had a choice that would be different and it wouldn’t bother me but since they often don’t I would rather not risk it. Another reason is that I don’t want people to think that because I am a such and such and have these different list of letters after my name that somehow I am infallible or that my words should carry more weight than anyone else’s. I feel that it shouldn’t matter who says it but rather what they say. It should stand or fall (truth wise) on its own merits. Plus there is a huge difference between intelligence and wisdom. I have known some not so bright people schooling/bookwise who had a incredible depth of wisdom. I have also known some highly intelligent school wise/bookwise people who were dumb as bricks. I would rather (and hope they do) people judge for themselves the merit of what someone says rather than who said it. That is also something that some very manipulative offenders use, they use the fact that some people (halo effect) will believe someone who is “good” in one area is also good in all areas and so they make it a HUGE point to have an external appearance of “good” (for example predatory clergy) so that everything they say/do is seen in a much better light (denial, minimization, rationalization, ect) than if they appeared not so good. “Gee he is a ____ so he must be right about what he says”. Horse hockey I say 🙂 . But those are the main reasons I stay mostly anonymous online.
Wow, I have not posted this much on here in forever. Dang you Oxy!!! Where is that cyber skillet so I can whomp ya for this 🙂 It is about time for me to go as I have been up almost 24 hours now and have to go back to work in less than 12 hours. Thank you to everyone for the discussions. So I plead brain fog if my posts are starting to get long and not make much sense.
Eva,
some of them only hurt the people close to them.
My spath brother, who is 46 and lives in my parents basement, does not go out and look for women to leech from.
He has always been good looking and women are extremely attracted to his magnetism. But he prefers to use porn for gratification and just leeches off my parents and the government. That does not mean he is not a spath. When he was 18, He has kicked kittens to death, committed burglary, told me that he once considered murder for fun, was a drug addict and gleefully admits that he is really good at manipulating people. 2 summers ago, when I escaped my P and went to hide at my parents’ home, my spath brother, called the police and had me arrested for domestic violence. He had attacked me and then scratched his own stomach to show evidence. The bruises on my arms didn’t show up until I was already in jail. BTW, he did it because he was envious that my parents gave me the good bedroom and he has to live in a large storage room.
The only way to really know if someone is a spath, is to read their mind or know their history.
Blogger
I like this last post of yours. Quite an interesting and healthy phylosophy indeed. A pity not so many people apply it to themselves. We live of appearances, we’ll have a full psychopathic society very soon!!!
😀 joking, or not? I hope we won’t have that kind of society.
Skylar
You’ll know it if he’s an spath. He could be a complete constructed asshole too and being not born spath.
There are many assholes that have no much to envy from psychopaths.
My experience is that psychopaths, is not just that they’re assholes but that they’re something very weird that scares even when they smile, are soft and treat you “well”
They are unmistakable, accoding to me.
I would like to be wrong about my certainty with this second one i haven’t ask for. But i’m not. They are something unique.
It’s the other one just without being interested in sex. Or i think so, because i think this one is neither asexual.
Who knows how is this going to end, but i have to pass to this subject.
Blogger, um,okay?
I appreciate your perspective from the point of view in having worked with sex offenders. The recidivism rate where my son was treated was VERY low. Good news. I hope I’m not misinterpreting what you’ve said in your post, but I don’t view professionals (see earlier posts) as having god-like supreme knowledge in their respected fields, BUT, I do derive a sense of learning from others who are “on the other side of the fence” so to speak. I do agree in that I too have known professionals who are as dumb as bricks with MAJOR degrees, and those that have barely a high school education that were brilliant. I have a tendency to gravtitate to both for a variety of reasons. I have friends with MAJOR degrees and I have friends with MAJOR wisdom that don’t. I learn from EVERYONE if I can. It helps on this healing journey of mine.
Which brings me to you, Ox.
I need your feedback about something. Just sort of dipping my toe in the water here. I have been on this site ALL DAY (not touching my schoolwork **slapping self**) trying to get a grip on all of this. To learn more. Like a train wreck I’m completely immersed in what I see here because it’s like a door that’s been locked forever and is now open. Ya know how you acquire a new passion for something and want to know all about it? It makes you want to learn MORE. That’s what this site is doing for me. Having said that i feel relatively comfortable enough to ask you this: First, I’m now deathly afraid that if spath contacts, I will wobble like a weeble, even with all I know now. I read that someone had gone back to their spath briefly even after having worked out a lot of things on this site, expecting, I guess a different result. She came back and the result was not different. This is the stuff that scares the bejesus out of me. So now I’m looking very closely, soul searching as to what would draw me back in. Here’s a partial list 1. SEEEEEX! 2. loneliness 3, fear of the future 4. I don’t feel smart enough to achieve my goals 5. wanting to be loved by a man, something I have NEVER been in a real relationship (t)….those are the top reasons. I’m in absolute FEAR of being challenged on that level. I think THOSE reasons also play into my anxiety and triggers when I SEE him, this overwhelming desire to call him and ask him WHY..(completely pointless). I am pretty much addicted to this site to keep focused on reality and continuing to purge the fog that is now lifting. It is more than enlightening.
It seems that the more I read here, the LESS I want anything to do with him. It’s like reprogramming, if you will. My school work is suffering, but I have committed to tomorrow to getting my assignments done prior to their due date on Sunday. But I just can’t keep my eyes off this shiat. Isn’t that kind of what it is when you’re letting go and WANTING too? REPROGRAMMING?
After all I’ve seen on these posts today, one of the things that dawned on me is how DEEPLY into the fog I was. How USE to living without empathy, mindeffing games, twisting of reality WAS reality…
Well now it’s not. Is this potentially my minds way of BREAKING those cycles and those thought patterns? I just can’t seem to step away from this site for long without coming back and reading my brains out for comfort???
candy –
“Petite —.let him come to your house and then let him find you in bed with another man(or better still-another woman)!!! Game over. ”
LOL! You are so funny! I had a really good laugh imagining this scenario…In a bizarre kind of way, I initially thought that it just might work BUT – then I remembered how much spaths love a challenge. Petite would be a prize for the spath but coaxing her away from another person would be an even bigger prize. Then there’s the whole problem of how it might actually titillate the spath to see her in bed with ANYONE (or anything…) else! Don’t forget that they are, after all, voyeurs and sexual perverts…
Skylar –
“Rachel getting married” is a movie which portrays a similar narcissist. …not the drug addicted girl. It is the mother, but you would completeley miss that fact if you didn’t know the signs. The drug addiction, fighting and the drama in the other family members DISTRACT from the true problem which is the mother, who appears to have a perfect, calm and stable life.”
Sky, I watched it at a friend’s place a few weeks back and totally agree with your assessment of it. I actually said to my friend afterward, that the mother was the problem and that the father enabled her – and that the drug-addicted girl was still looking for the love, attention and approval from her mummy that she had never had. You are so right that most people who had not been involved with the yukkiness we have been, would miss that completely, yet it is THE TAKE-HOME MESSAGE (IMO) of the movie.
“I recently met a woman who cried on my shoulder about …She is 82…all taking advantage of her and left her in the poor house. Took me a year to figure out that she is manipulating all of them ”“ but she’s such a sweet old lady””
Oh yes! I had a next-door neighbour like that between 1999 and 2002. In her 70’s. I ran around helping her out, writing letters for her, filling out legal forms for her, assisting her to defend herself against “all the bad people who were out to get her”! One day it dawned on me that it just wasn’t feasible that one little old lady could innocently attract so much drama into her life (and mine!) Shorlty after I realised that and became deliberately less available to her, she turned on me and then I saw her TRUE colours as all of those other people had already experienced. Very enlightening stuff.
lesson learned –
“most difficult thing in getting past this is the reality that he’s having sex with another woman. Images of he and I being sexual and then he and she being sexual are intrustive and painful. …continue to come to mind,…how can this be? WHY would this be? Is it my perceptions of sex? … was the most meaningful connection that we shared…It wounded me deeply”
LL – pop over onto the new thread about “sex in the lovefraud book”. I have a feeling this will be the place where we all pull this topic to pieces and as it is new, it won’t take as long to load as this one is doing. xx
“I’ve heard …it’s not healthy to isolate. I’m not so sure that’s so true right now for me. It’s part of my self care for the moment. It’s just too painful to add fuel to an already blazing fire.”
LL – I agree with Libelle – retreat and selfcare are called for at this point. I did it, despite being a very gregarious person. My solitude helped my healing; it gave me the time and space to lick my wounds calmly and slowly, at my own pace. What do injured cats do? They “go to ground”; they hole up somewhere until they feel better and can do all of their usual cat-like things again. What you are feeling is completely normal. It worked for me and I am out of that stage now. Mine lasted about 2 years. There will be no “right” amount of time with this – it will need to be what YOU need it to be. But it will pass. Of this, I am certain. xxx
Learned Lesson – I am going to step out on a limb here. You need to get laid. I am gonna catch some hell for this but your hormones have been screaming..Dont look for a husband or life long partner but a nice horny man….