The connection between love and politics—that was the topic of commentary in yesterday’s paper written by Gregory Rodriguez, a columnist for the Los Angeles Times. The article, Love and politics in a cynical age, got me thinking about the consistency of behavior.
Rodriguez summarized how Americans have come to view the private lives and public lives of the people we elect to represent us. He wrote:
The truth is that we don’t generally associate politics or politicians with happy marriages and deep romance, let alone fidelity. The constant revelation of scandals and peccadilloes in the halls of power have trained us to expect the worst of those—particularly the men—we elect to shepherd and protect the interests of society. Somewhere along the line, Americans have even bought into the notion that a politician’s private life, in particular his love life, has little or nothing to do with his efforts on behalf of the public good.
In other words, people seem to think that just because an elected official cheats on his spouse, it doesn’t mean we can’t trust him with our tax dollars.
Not everyone holds this view. Ross Perot, who ran for president in 1992, famously said that at his company, EDS, lying, cheating, stealing and adultery were all grounds for dismissal. If he were elected, he said, the same standard would apply. Perot said:
“If a man’s own wife cannot trust him, how can the American people?”
This, I think, is a legitimate question.
Different behavior
People often ask me if a sociopath will be “different” with a particular person. For example, can a sociopathic man who hates and harasses his ex-wife love his children? Can a sociopathic woman who takes advantage of her family be true to her new boyfriend?
The short answer is no. Exploitative people exploit anyone who has something that they want.
The long answer is that exploitative people may seem to authentically care for particular individuals, but it’s probably just part of an overall scheme of manipulation. The sociopath is just softening up the target, preparing for the right time to strike.
Here is one of the most dangerous thoughts we can ever have: “Well, yes, he (or she) treated that person badly, but he’ll never do that to me!”
Remember: The best indication of future behavior is past behavior. If you know that a person has behaved in a deceitful or exploitative way towards someone else, sooner or later, the person will behave that way towards you.
Compartmentalize
So why do we compartmentalize? Why do people seem to believe that how our elected officials conduct their private lives has nothing to do with how they conduct their public lives? Why is it that when we hear of a powerful person who has a solid marriage, we are surprised?
Maybe we’re beaten down. Maybe we’re totally disillusioned. After all, stories of deceit, betrayal and treachery have been around as long as humans have told stories. Maybe we hear of so many scandals—from cheating spouses to tax dollars wasted—that we simply expect the worst of people.
Perhaps public life has simply gotten too easy in America. It’s not like the Revolutionary War, when men risked their lives and fortunes to stand up to the British. No, politics today is all talk and no consequences. That makes it an excellent career choice for sociopaths—all they have to do is be charming, charismatic and deceitful.
Sociopaths, after all, want power, control and sex. By getting elected, they have access to everything they want.
Liu Xiaobo
That’s why it’s so refreshing to hear about people, in this day and age, fighting the good fight from a foundation of love.
In the article that I quoted in the beginning of this post, the author, Gregory Rodriguez, also wrote about Liu Xiaobo. Liu is the Chinese dissident who recently won the Nobel Peace Prize. He, of course, was viewed as a subversive criminal by the Chinese government, and was not allowed to go to Norway and accept the prize. Rodriguez explained how his absence was handled in Oslo:
Actress Liv Ullmann read aloud the statement Liu released last December as he was awaiting trial for “inciting subversion of state power.” At the top, he sermonized against hatred (“enmity can poison a nation’s spirit”), but his ending was an exquisite love letter to his wife, Liu Xia.
“I am sentenced to a visible prison,” he wrote, “while you are waiting in an invisible one. Your love is sunlight that transcends prison walls and bars, stroking every inch of my skin, warming my every cell, letting me maintain my inner calm, magnanimous and bright, so that every minute in prison is full of meaning. But my love for you is full of guilt and regret, sometimes heavy enough to hobble my steps. I am a hard stone in the wilderness, putting up with the pummeling of raging storms, and too cold for anyone to dare touch. But my love is hard, sharp, and can penetrate any obstacles. Even if I am crushed into powder, I will embrace you with the ashes.”
Rodriguez viewed Liu’s words to his wife as a sign of passion and commitment, and the bad behavior in the private lives of elected officials as the opposite. The point, Rodriguez wrote, is that love begins at home.
How people conduct their private lives is absolutely relevant to whether or not they should be elected. People who cannot be trusted by their most intimate loved ones cannot be trusted by anyone. And people who feel genuine love and compassion for their families can extend their love and compassion for the greater good.
thanks a lot all dear friends for the advice. yes Oxy, has been my pillar of strength, I had a chance to meet her, visited her on the farm for 3 days and she was so good to me.
Candy –
this guy comes from a top class medical centre in USA, he is coming to my country oceans away for a meeting, so there is no reason for him to stay longer, or need a bed, place to stay or security.
Lesson learned – you said –
he didn’t keep his word to HER (the wife), what did you mean by this sentence.
and you said – CLEARLY you have something he wants FOR THE TIME BEING”.nothing more!
any idea what this could be.
thanks so much.
petite.
Petite,
I agree the right thing to do is hands off any married guy, whether separated or not (and demanding that he separate just means that YOU have become part of the stick he beats her with). IF she tries to say, “man up” he knows he has you so no reason for him to step up and man up. If all extra women would just HANDS OFF any married guy, a lot more of them would honor their marriage vows.
No normal wife can compete with glamorous you. But she should have the option to try to negotiate her marriage but knowing he can blow her off and go with you completely undermines her and the marriage vows.
You’ve competed with a wife to win her unfaithful disrespectful dishonorable spouse. What did YOU win? Well, I’m betting the wife didn’t sign up for this…but knowing what you know about him, you won’t be able to say that.
What’s he have with you? Leverage over his wife for one. Escape into UNreality for another. Avoidance of responsibility. A painful reality that he was invited and stayed with another woman, disrespect of her to rub into her face. Acceptance from you that wrong is excusable and that a wrongheaded man is still desirable so no need for him to do the right thing.
and for disclosure, yes I am the wife who believed in her marriage vows but thanks to women who didn’t value marriage, my husband had all kinds of women to hold over my head. it nearly destroyed me down to a failed suicide (who knew that driving headlong into oak wouldn’t work!!) But hey, at least someone WORTHY ended up with my husband b/c obviously if I was WORTHY he would have been unfaithful.
Women who seek their happiness from a wife’s misery deserve what happens. I know that’s harsh but so is what you are helping to do to the wife.
Katy
I so understand your pain. of what you’ve been through..I really don’t think that Petite is thinking this…you can’t totally know that what you’re doing is wrong, but he presents this image of “hey baby, you are so perfect for me and we will be this and that”…just like he knew the vulnerabilities that sucked you into a marriage with him to kiss his ass, he has done the same to her..but the shame is worse…
Katy…my exSpath created a scenario in which it would be JOYFUL if I got him away from HER…cuz ya know, she was such an evil BITCh……….HOW WRONG THAT WAS!!!
Petite, I think the underlying message is the same, whether it’s given to you as the wife of a Spath or the OW of a Spath…neither side of the fence is green………both sides come from a place of pain and lies….
And what I think here is that if we attack one another, in whatever way, even if there is anger (of course there would be!!), be it OW or wife of Spath…(of both sides of the fence I’ve unpleasantly visited!), is that HE WINS!! HE IS THE HERO!!! Thereis a lovely cliche………….I say lovely with sarcasm…”He’s the hero, she’s the slut”…..thank GOD my wonderful CLOSE friends understand sociopathy and don’t think that way…..He’s not the hero…but when we “attack” one another, no matter how minor, we make him the hero and this has to stop.
Granted, katy, there ARE women out there who LOVE and DATE the thrill of men who are married……….but I believe a lot of us don’t………
Petite, I feel for you. But you deserve better than being with a man who doesn’t love you, a man who demonizes you in his heart……….as the homewrecker…who wants to blame you for ruining his marriage, without taking responsibilty for the grief and pain he caused because he NEVER WANTED THAT MARRIAGE IN THE FIRST PLACE…………..other than how it served him…the trophy wife………….
Be the wonderful you that you are. I know you dont’ mean any harm. I don’t believe for one second you are the kind of woman who doesn’t believe in marriage vows……..in fact, you might believe he will HONOR THOSE WITH YOU WHEN HE WON”T……….
I hope you can love yourself, give yourself a BIG BIG HUG and understand that YOU are worth more than some asshole who is using you for HIS own purposes…………like he did his wife, his children or anyone else in his life.
You’ve worked hard to get where you are. That’s professionalism…and it’s great…
But you deserve the desires of your HEART…………..YOUR HEART….
Wait and be patient. Just know that you’re worth the wait. YOU”RE WORTH THE WAIT! 🙂
Petite:
You already know your answers. If you felt okay with it all…..you wouldn’t be talking about it…..right?
So…..the dude is married……STOP! Red flag!
If the guy is with a top medical group…..and coming for a conference…..THEY CAN PUT HIM UP IN A HOTEL!!!!
NOT HOTEL PETITE…..complete with meals, sex and a warm body next to him.
If the guy wants you……let him show it, prove it and jump through hoops to ‘land you’.
Don’t make it easy….convenient and cheap on him.
Realistically……if he lives across the sea…….really, really, really……what…is he gonna give up his fab. job to relocate to be with you, join you in his life? NO…….
Are you willing to row over to his continent and give up your life for him? BOINK……you better think before you answer that one!!!!
Socipath or not…..the guy sounds like a playa……a woman in every port…..or his port in every woman!
Once a cheater…..always a cheater……
I say…..go on down to starbucks and vet you a nice guy you can get to know on a regular basis, who enjoys you for you…..doesn’t have a trail of marriages HE broke up behind him……and has friends and family you can share in.
You deserve MUCH better……your smart, educated and oxy’s friend….that doesn’t make you half bad huh?
This ain’t gonna be the last dude who will come along……but if you change and upgrade your standards…..he may be the last toxic guy you let in?
Tell him you’ve changed your mind. He CAN”T stay!
BTW….welcome to LF darlen!
XXOO
EB
Katy, Lesson and Petite,
I’ve never dated a married man and don’t believe that it is right or that I ever would so such a thing, but then I really don’t know WHAT I could have been talked into doing by a spath, before I knew what spaths were. I’ve disclosed some of the things he talked me into and I never would have imagined those either.
There are rules and laws about marriage for this very reason. I think the laws are not there to restrict us, so much as they are there to protect us from spath temptations. There have always been spaths and they have always led people astray, from the first one in the garden of eden. The spath tells us that he is a special case because he has been treated wrong. The only thing that can save him is YOU, WITH SEX, (disguised as love). BULL F***ing Sh**!
When we decide that we are SPECIAL and can break the rules because they don’t apply to our SPECIAL case, that is NARCISSISM. We aren’t special, we are no better than anyone else and thinking that we are better, is the beginning of our downfall. The spaths TARGET this idea. THEY TARGET OUR NARCISSISM. That’s why they pick young people, who tend to be more rebellious and narcissistic. Spaths KNOW narcissism intimately and they know how to target that in us. Any pride, any rebellion, anything that sets us APART from the herd is what they look for in their prey. You know that is what a predator does.
I’m not advocating being a sheeple, because there are spaths that specialize in sheeple herding too. I’m simply advocating that we look at our own narcissism and HIDE it. It’s the hook.
Katy,
God in his wisdom, uses even those who have been tempted to do evil, to accomplish His acts of love and mercy. He used the other women to rescue you from the spath. Be grateful to them, don’t be angry. Pity them.
Katy…
to your quote…. AMEN!!!!
I agree the right thing to do is hands off any married guy, whether separated or not (and demanding that he separate just means that YOU have become part of the stick he beats her with). IF she tries to say, “man up” he knows he has you so no reason for him to step up and man up. If all extra women would just HANDS OFF any married guy, a lot more of them would honor their marriage vows.
Petite,
I’m happy to answer your questions: He wants to destroy you. He wants to take down all you’ve earned…it’s a hard thing to wrap your brain around, but all the positives you are, he has honed in on to DESTROY…whatever reputation professionally you have built is a CHALLENGE for him to DESTROY you MORE!! This is where we mess up, I think….we misunderstand the intentions….
It seems that you wonder why he would want anything other than your love, given your successes in your field in which he shares…….that is the WORST set up!!! He KNOWS your heart, what you want and he will use what you know …not of what you know professionally, but what you are looking for IN YOUR HEART to DESTROY you!!! He has NO heart..but he knows that YOU do..his interests dont’ have to be professionally invested, although I’m not sure it doesn’t have something to do with it…Petite, YOU are the ultimate challenge!!!! HOMING IN ON YOU TO DESTROY YOU!!!! TO BE BETTER THAN YOU, TO DESTROY YOUR REPUTATION!!!!!!!!!!!! TO MAKE YOU A HOMEWRECKING SCUM!!!!
The things that we THINK they want from us, often are the things they DON”T…….but something more. If you perceive what this is from a position of POWER, he can’t get to you any other way than to ONE UP YOU PROFESSIONALLY!! YOU ARE THE ULTIMATE CHALLENGE FOR HIM!!! NEVER UNDERESTIMATE A SOCIOPATH!! It is VERY clear he doesn’t have your BEST INTERESTS AT HEART……….and that is the key PETITE, YOU HAVE HEART………other than just your PROFESSION!! Think abou what is most important to you in your heart, Petite……..is it your profession? REALLY? Or is it just to share love with a life partner? HE IS NOT IT!!!
He wants to take from you all you’ve learned, all you know to be true of yourself THROUGH YOUR HEART………he has the prestige, power, label, money…he KNOWS that..but what he hasn’t stolen already he CAN through YOU! YOUR HEART chica!!
Don’t give him what is sacred of you. Shoot, I wish I could quote EXACTLY what biblical scripture would work, ox is good at this……anyway..it is simple Petite……
“don’t give to dogs what is SACRED! DO NOT GIVE TO YOUR PEARLS TO PIGS, FOR THEY MAY TAKE IT AND TRAMPLE THEM UPON THEIR FEET AND TURN AND TEAR YOU TO PIECES!”
That’s just what he’s doing.
Turn away. RUN……….
He didn’t keep his word to her……HE LIED CHICA!! HE LIED TO HIS WIFE, HE CHEATED ON HER MULTIPLE TIMES!!! Think about it! If you were HER right now, how would YOU feel? Don’t buy into his endless amounts of BS.
You’re right Petite, he doesn’t need money, he doesn’t need prestige, he doesn’t need reputation, he just needs YOUR heart to DESTROY…another trophy mounted in his life of MANY!
Please, PLEASE stay away from this man.
You’re worth SO MUCH MORE than he wants to destroy you with.
SO MUCH MORE! Find a man, wait for a man who LOVES YOUR HEART!!
Petite,
Lesson Learned HAS learned very well. She knows EXACTLY what she is talking about. Listen to her.
It’s hard to imagine someone wanting to destroy you for no reason. But I can guarantee you that is what he wants.
I had NOTHING as a 17 year old girl and yet my spath saw me and wanted to destroy me. All I had was my innocence and beauty. It enraged him. But I didn’t know that for many many years.
Lesson Learned,
In another thread, I think you were asking about what enrages them?
One thing I noticed was that my exP was very proud of how I looked and like to show me off to his friends. But I also noticed another pattern: when I walked out of the bathroom and was having a particularly good “hair day”, my skin was glowing, the bags under the eyes were less dark, etc… and he would see me, I would get treated like crap!
It never failed and I began to see the correlation. If I looked good and we weren’t going out to meet his friends or acquaintances (in other words, I wasn’t scheduled to be a trophy wife that day), he would rage at me for no reason.
I learned the fine art of making myself look drab, until he left for the day, then fix myself up to look better.
I guess I can understand the envy, since he was as ugly as sin!
LOLOLOLOL!
Petite.
Read the STOP sign,,,,, stop backwards is
Pyschopath
On
The
Stalk!!!!
DON”T GET DESTROYED!!!
Is that the Russian spelling?