As I was trying to come up with an idea for this week’s blog post, my husband, Terry, made a suggestion: “Why don’t you write about Psycho Squirrel?”
Last fall, we started tossing peanuts in the shells to squirrels in our backyard. We were captivated by the show they put on as they acrobatically chased each other along the fence and through the tree branches. Plus, we liked being nice to our furry neighbors.
Most of the squirrels picked up the peanuts and scurried away, burying them to eat in the winter. A couple of squirrels, however, were smart. They learned that humans meant food, and every time they saw us, bounded over to the ground below our back deck. They’d sit on their hind legs, twitch their tails, and look up at us expectantly. Of course, they were rewarded with peanuts.
Aw, aren’t they cute?
Well, they started getting brave, and crept up the steps of the deck. We opened the back door, which led into the kitchen, and tossed out a peanut. The squirrels scurried away with the peanuts, buried them, and came back for more. So then we squatted down low, cracked open the full-length glass storm door, and held the peanuts at their nose height. They were skittish at first, but soon began taking the peanuts right from our fingers.
They’d sit on the deck, hold the peanut to their mouths and roll it, as if looking for a place to bite the shell. Sometimes they ate the peanuts, and sometimes they ran away, buried them, and came back for more. If we weren’t right at the door, we could hear them tapping on the glass with their tiny claws.
Aren’t they cute?
We ended up with three “pet squirrels—”one day they all kept coming to the door like a tag team. Eventually, if they saw us, they’d leap through the trees to the ground below the deck and then run up the steps. When they saw us walking up the driveway, they followed. We started keeping a small ceramic bowl filled with peanuts on the counter next to the back door, so they’d be handy when our squirrel buddies showed up. We imagined that they really appreciated us when 18 inches of snow blanketed the ground and all their peanuts from the fall were hidden.
A few weeks ago, spring finally arrived, and we exchanged the glass in the storm door for a screen. We hadn’t seen the squirrels in awhile, but one showed up. She looked well fed, but still remembered how to beg for a handout.
I opened the screen door, held a peanut low for her, and she took it. She came back several times; I fed her about five peanuts. Then I had to go back to work. I closed the screen door, but the main back door was open to let the warm breeze into the house.
A couple of hours later I walked back into the kitchen and stopped short. The screen by the door handle was shredded—someone had broken into the house! Then I noticed the ceramic bowl was empty, there were broken peanut shells all over the floor, and a small yellow puddle on the counter.
The squirrel had chewed through the screen, eaten all the peanuts, and left. I couldn’t believe it. I shut the main back door—wood with glass panes at the top—so she couldn’t come back in. But she had learned well, and a little while later I caught her trying to climb through the hole in the screen again.
That was it. Now it was No Contact with the squirrel.
Terry took the screen out so it could be repaired. The squirrel didn’t know this, so when she next saw me in the kitchen, she leaped at the door, expecting to cling to the screen. Instead, she slammed into the regular door with its glass panes. With nothing to hold on to, she slid to the deck.
We stayed on the No Contact program, even though the squirrel kept following us around the yard and begging. No more handouts, no more bowl of peanuts on the counter by the door. In fact, since we couldn’t really tell the squirrels apart, none got fed. One overly aggressive squirrel had ruined it for everyone.
After a couple of weeks, hoping the pushy squirrel had forgotten that she had been sponging off of us, we replaced the screen, which had cost $25 to fix. It was fine for awhile, but the other day, I walked into the kitchen to find holes in the screen next to the door handle. She didn’t forget. But at least there were no peanuts on the counter, so the squirrel didn’t come in.
Now the screen needs to be repaired again. “That squirrel owes me $50 for the two screens,” Terry complained.
We don’t think the squirrel is going to pay. In fact, it’s probably going to cost us even more, because now Terry has decided we should invest in pet-proof screens.
Sigh. And it all started because the squirrels were so cute and we wanted to be friendly.
Sistersister;
My observation is that sociopathy is more prevalent in the gay community than straight, HIV notwithstanding.
I see it firsthand right now in a Narcissistic “friend” who is here on a visit. For the first couple of days, when he needed me, we went to dinner, I took him to a couple of tourist places and he called me several times a day.
Saturday, as planned I called him. He was “at dinner” and could not talk. I have not heard from him since…
LOL. You said it, not me, blue eyes. I don’t know about sociopathy, but the reports of narcissism seem quite high among the men I’ve talked with.
I think it’s a given that gay men have been through some trying times as children. When I was a kid, just imagining that I might be gay when I was 12 was enough to color everything in shame. And I turned out not to be a lesbian. So far.
In my informal work with HIV positives, I’ve often found “don’t go there” zones around gay men. I’m often not allowed to mention: problems of passivity and “bottoms”; probes into how any person who became ill might have done anything to undermine their own health outside of getting HIV; and any kind of accountability for the attacks they mount.
I’m just a really insensitive bitch, apparently, so I pay it no mind.
No, really, I see that those issues are precisely the trouble, so I refuse to back off if I’m still allowed in the conversation at all. I see that, for instance, until a person can take responsibility for himself as an adult, not somebody’s “baby boy,” he will not do the reading on health issues himself; he’ll always just have to trust what others tell him. And maybe it’s a bit mystic, but I firmly believe that people who are trapped in a childlike level of maturity cannot heal. Healing takes growth, not regression.
This applies to victims of spaths, too, and I really respect how this site doesn’t just coddle us. It tells us to get off our butts and look at ourselves, and look at the reality of what kind of people we invite into our lives and why we don’t go “no contact” when it’s right in front of us. And yet, it gets that spaths are extremely charming people and can hook us through no fault of our own. Yes, there’s that.
The reason some gay men are the way they are is that they’ve experienced what they’ve experienced. Everyone is the sum total of that.
A little understanding is in order, I suppose, but also, if you tend to fall into that spath-trap, feel free to blow off the narcissists as they blow you off, too. It might lead you on a path to other assertive behaviors in your life.
The good news I’ve found in my encounters with gay men is that my old stereotypes weren’t even half right. Sure, these flighty narcissists exist in large enough numbers to constitute a pattern. But so many have moved beyond all that, to being fully individual personalities, wonderful and mature people. Hopefully, you’ll meet more of those.
Oops. And I’m going to do it again, I’m going to refuse to say “HIV notwithstanding.” HIV standing! Yes! The system of support groups and benefits and media and advertising and stupid love bombing that HIV has inspired is spathic. Icky. Yuck! Run as fast as you can from all that, blue eyes. Run for your life. Even if you believe things I don’t believe. Just run.
Near, “love bombing” is when they first meet you they are just the SWEETEST people in the world and YOU ARE THE BEST THING THEY EVER ENCOUNTERED….this is the same tactic that CULTs use to “hook” people into them…..and that “first impression” that we get of this person is when we give them our trust, and once we have done that….we make excuses for everything that goes against that FIRST LOVE BOMB IMPRESSION….we try our best to (irrationally) maintain that good oninion of the psychopath.
Good definition of “love bombing” there, Oxy. I call it “Attack of the Warm Fuzzies,” and women and gay men seem to be prime targets for it. Gosh, we just crave all that sweet stuff! (Even if we’re sugar-free, blue eyes.) I once got love bombed at a church, and let’s just say, I ran screaming from that place.
Where I personally have to be on my guard is that last “maintaining the good opinion of the psychopath” part, because I have been attracted to at least one friend who is semi-famous, accomplished, admired, and oh, how I want to please her! I decided her last hissy fit was fine, just fine . . . saved me the trouble of doing it myself. The best part about celebrity spaths is, they forget they were mad at you, heck, they almost forget your name. You can ask them for a favor later, no problem. Checkmate!
Near-
You are misunderstanding the three types of attachment and why I thought it was important.
Avoidant Attachment is NOT defined as a pathology or a personality disorder. It is not specifically linked to N/S/P…. In fact – an N/S/P would behave like an avoidant but I’m not sure they qualify in the sense that they attach to play with the psyche of others and they use others for their benefit and do not subscribe humanity to other people.
The things that I read that in a quick sense sums up the difference between “normal people” and Cluster B Personality Disordered persons is that they lack the three traits that define us as normal – Empathy, Impulse Control and a Moral foundation/backbone… So a person can be low on empathy but have strog impulse control and morals – and that is a person you might describe as a cold fish or someone who is “cool” in their approach, not a warm fuzzy type – (this is probably a lot of your avoidants) – then there are those that may be high in empathy and morality but low on impulse control – that would be someone who might struggle with their weight or other things but is basically a decent human being (probably a lot of anxious type here) and then your secure person has strength in all areas. An N/S/P has low impulse control – unless it is to hold out for something they want, low to no empathy and no moral foundation strong enough to override the general impulse to do what the hell they want, lie cheat , steal to benefit themselves…
Do you understand better? The reason I suggest the book is it helps people who are anxious to know what to look for not just what to avoid and offers hope and help. There is a lot of information on red flags and so forth – this helps to tell you what to look for in a person you meet and are considering becoming attached to.
For those of us who have progressed into healing and are sticking our toes in the dating pool again it is very helpful. And for those who are examining why they were harmed it adds some self knowledge. That is all – it is not about N/S/P so much as about yourself and your style – and being anxious makes you vulnerable as prey to a predator as they can play us like piano’s. The style change thing I mentioned is not common – you don’t dance between these styles – generally you are what you are BUT extraordinary circumstances can cause a shift. So I understand that even after a few years of dating the person I am dating now – I may still suffer from anxiety if the circumstances that trigger that for me are activated. As long as I interact primarily with secure types then I reduce the chances of my anxiety being triggered. But avoidants and cluster B types will definitely trigger this in me so it is something to be aware of – an early alert system if someone makes me overly excited one way or the other I have to watch carefully to see what they are…
Thanks, Sister….of course we crave “sweet stuff” and when people tell us how wonderful we are we BELIEVE THEM! LOL
I noticed that with some Borderline Personality disordered people when you first meet them (and with some psychopaths too) it is like they immediately start to fill out an APPLICATION FOR **INSTANT** BEST FRIEND. They immediately start offering to do things for you, and start telling you how special and wonderful you are. It is LOVE BOMBING at its best!@....... LOL
Any time a NEW acquaintance starts getting too intimate too FAST, it is a BIG red flag for me, and I immediately back off, but it is with people who have been around a while that I’ve always had the trouble drawing the boundaries for, and defending those boundaries.
Now I am learning to set and maintain and DEFEND reasonable boundaries with even old friends and family without feeling guilty in the least.
I had a phone call while ago from a sales person trying to get me to commit to a radio ad for my airport (which is closed now) and this woman was GOOOOOOOD….and no matter how many times I said “I’m not interested” she came up with another pitch, so I just hung up. Of course it didn’t make me feel guilty to hang up on a telephone sales person, but I’m now able to essentially “hang up on” ANYONE who is invading my space and won’t “take no for an answer” and NOT feel guilty.
Sistersister;
I will tread delicately here but my opinion regarding HIV infected individuals has changed over the last several years. First, keep in mind that I once sat on the board of directors of an AIDS service organization and my direct efforts caused many hundreds of thousands of dollars to be raised.
While I always questioned the gay community’s approach to the crisis in terms of prevention, more and more I find it has been irresponsible, especially the PC notion that HIV can happen to anyone.
Many now spread the idea that HIV is so manageable that being diabetic is worse. No wonder so many young continue to seroconvert. Sadly, these “HIV is manageable” ignore reports about HIV and accelerated aging, both internally and externally.
One of the pity plays my x-spath subconsciously threw at me was related to this very subject. I would describe him as attractive but “rough around the edges.” When I stumbled across his online trail, I was first amused by the pictures in which he appeared so young.
When it all came together, I felt very, very sorry for him because probably a couple years before I met him, he did look like those pictures. I never met anyone who aged so fast. Its like he went from 25 to 35 in a couple of years. This alone should scare the life out of any gay man.
I admit to being a ready target for “love bombing” or at least “attention bombing” due to the recent ending of a previous tumultuous short-term relationship plus being degraded and demeaned on the job by several narcissists/sociopaths who found me a convenient target for their incompetence.
Fortunately, that work situation had closure as I own a significant amount of money to settle various discrimination and wrongful dismissal suits. Of this, I am proud because very, very few have ever one such a suit against a Wall Street firm.
Regarding the x-spath, I regret that there was never any real closure, as once I discovered his true nature a couple of weeks after my last contact with him, I never again contacted him nor did he contact me.
My guess is that he did not contact me because I may have accidentally left a trail on the dating website where I found his profile. I did not contact him because it made me very, very hurt.
I sometimes wish I took the opportunity to let him know I know about him. OTOH, would it have done any good?
BBE, your talking about his “aging” quickly made me think of something I saw the other day. This woman who was “engaged” to Hugh Hefner who is supposedly 25 years old, I saw a photograph of her in a news article I was scanning by and I just silently thought, “boy she looks more like 35 than 25” and as I scrolled down through the various articles, I saw some comments on THAT PHOTO and one of the comments was —guess what? –“boy she looks more like 35 than 25” —
How people live and how much “peace” and “calm” versus hohw much “stress” they have in their life makes a difference in how they “age” both medically and in appearance. In the last few years I have “aged” 20 years both in looks and medically due to the high level of stress I have lived with. Which is one reason that I am now making every effort to take care of my health and to eat well, stop smoking, and exercise and to MAINTAIN A CALM AND PEACEFUL LIFE.